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Thishastoend
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 3/22/2010 6:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi All,
 
I am new to posting on any forums.  If I remember correctly, I am supposed to tell a little about myself first. 
I need to add a disclaimer that I am well-aware my current state is so bad because I have no health insurance, so no antidepressants or therapy.  I am in the process of finding reduced fee doctors and therapists, but they are hard to come by.
 
There are so many issues, I will try not to go on too long.  Let me start with the most shame-producing issue.  I received my Master's degree in Counseling in December 2008, so I know what I 'should' do.  I know what to tell other people, but it doesn't apply or work for me.  Therefore, there is shame when my anxiety/depression is so bad that my intellectual side says, don't say that or do that, yet it feels out of my control.  I also know guilt and shame are pointless and normal symptoms of anxiety/depression, but it still adds to the problem.  Due to a legal issue that occured when I was 17 years old, not being exsponged like most juveniles records are, I did not begin an internship right away because I had to save $3000 for a lawyer. 
While saving for a lawyer, my only brother died unexpectedly and traumatically. I know it's not in chronological order, but I should now add that I had already struggled with anxiety/depression on and off since puberty.  I have therefore been to therapy and on antidepressants on and off for 14 years.  At the time of his death, I was already on 300mg of Welbutrin XL and 300mg of Effexor XR, JUST TO "MAINTAIN".  A few months after his death I ran out of antidepressants (since I wasn't in school anymore to get them from a cheap doctor at a reduced rate).
So I know it is still normal for me to be grieving and I will have ups and downs for a while.
 
I realize I am rambling, so let me sum it up and say, not having the correct dosages of meds. (I have gotten back on Effexor XR, but only 150mg, Buproprion SR 100mg for almost 3 months), not being able to afford counseling, being disconnected from my colleagues, having nothing in common with my high school friends (they are all married and most have kids), feeling like a failure by not entering my profession while still being $54,000 in debt because of it, feeling so anti-social that I only hang out with my 66 year old mother, etc., etc.,
 
I have never felt so alone in my whole life and I AM NOT FUNCTIONING.  I could stay in bed 20 hours a day.  When I go out, I have anxiety and come close to panic attacks at times.  I cry and am tearful alot (but I know this is just grief).  Nothing interests me or makes me happy, I find it very hard to laugh (something very important to me).  I am BABYSITTING 10 HRS a week so I have a place to live, but other than that, I am not wanting to die, but I am sick of this constant sadness, racing thoughts, and anxiety.
That is me....
 
P.S. I am posting this in the anxiety section as well so I can "cover all of my bases", since there is so much overlap...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 3/22/2010 8:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

Welcome to the forum and I am so glad that you have started your own thread. Have you thought about talking to your doc about adding a mood stabilizer to the mix. I take abilify with pristiq and xanax. And it really helps. I was taking it with effexor too and it helped. It helps the other meds work better and it stops obsessive thinking. The worrying about things goes away. It is something to think about. See what your doctor says.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 3/23/2010 6:17 AM (GMT -7)   
healing prayers 2 you. hoping u feel better soon. welcome.
with compassion, jamie
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Liddlesadie
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 3/25/2010 9:32 AM (GMT -7)   
I want to be a counselor, and it is completely normal for everyone to have problems even people in the helping professions. It helps just talking and getting support instead of dealing with it alone. I used to have panic attacks, and they are very painful.
The thing that helped me the most when I was depressed was just getting out of the house ... I wrote poetry a lot .. I felt more accomplished like I wasn't just wasting the day away.. so I suggest that you just write everything down... maybe keep a journal... unleash , vent, and maybe talk to your mother about things, I know I can turn to mine and she is one person that I can turn to and she will never stop loving me just like your mother would never stop loving you.

You should not feel like a failure because of money, it is something that is fake ... Yes its needed to survive but what is even more real than a piece of green paper, is your feelings. You should not deal with these things on your own, and it shows that are strong reaching out for help.
We can only grow by our weaknesses. I am a stronger person now that I got through my depression. I felt like I took something bad and turned it into something good so you can fight it , it will just be a long hard road but just know that there are people here that will listen

Thishastoend
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 3/25/2010 8:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks to everyone for responding in my time of need!

Getting by: Does the Abilify sedate you? Do you take the xanax daily or just as needed? If you take it daily, can you function (like at a job) normally? I don't mean to sound offensive, I only ask because my brother took these meds. and was not able to work. And does the Pristiq work as well for you as the effexor?

Thanks Jamiee!!

And Liddlesadie, you are right about so much, but especially the writing. I can't write poetry, but journaling has helped in the past. And thanks for the encouraging words!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 3/26/2010 5:01 AM (GMT -7)   
The abilify isn't sedating, if anything it is the opposite. It is a mood stablilzer and also for bipolar. But it really helps me a lot. The pristiq is working good. I had a little nausea in the beginning but that went away. I can function on xanax. Maybe the dose was too high. I was on a high dose when my first husband died of cancer and it was very sedating to me. But now I am on about a fourth of that. So I function well. For me anyway. lol...

I hope taht you do well with the effexor. It si going generic in June of this year. So it wont be so expensive. I just got sick of taking so much of it and the pristiq doesn't need such a high dose. I was on the highest dose possible.

I hope taht you have a good day. Excuse the typos, I didn't get a lot of sleep. New puppy woke me up at 4:30 this morning. hahaha

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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