Does anybody understand?

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YouRaiseMeUp
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/25/2010 1:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't have a story to tell, my story is too long, too sad and too painful to recant in a single post. But I have a problem. I am most positive that I am suffering from a terrible depression that refuses to release me from its clutches. It started with the pregnancy of my son, and has continued to torment me over the last two years and two months.
 
I was 17 when I became pregnant. I dropped out of school, and moved accross the country to be with the father of my son. At 28 weeks I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. It ended with a c-section. I have not been the same person since, moving through my life in a series of motions that seem to get me nowhere and nothing. I feel a gnawing guilt whenever I look at my son, because I know that even though my son has a roof over his head, and food in his tummy, I am a terrible mother. I do not give him the love that he deserves, and how could I when I can hardly look at myself in the mirror without feeling inadequate. That I cannot even stand with my own thoughts during the night to keep me company. My husband has noticed the change in me, he says I'm different. I'm angry, I'm sad. I have tried to tell him that I don't feel right, it's like something is broken inside of me. He says it's just stress, but I know better. I have suffered from Anxiety Attacks since I was in the 6th grade. There is a very strong history of depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorder in my family.
 
I started going to cosmetology school, but have been forced to take two leaves because the mere thought of going to school made my chest tighten like a screwdriver, wedging so painfully in my chest that I could hardly breathe. That the very thought of stepping inside the school made me want to scream and cry and lash out at the people around me. I have not a single friend besides my husband. I know that seems exaggerative, but it's not. I talk to no person outside of school. I talk to no friends from highschool. I have been unable to make a single friend in the last three years of living in a new state. I quit my job because I started to feel the anxiety. And now I feel useless.
 
My family struggles with bills. If it weren't for foodstamps we would not eat. And it's like I'm being plunged under the sea, gulping for air but only getting water so salty it burns as it goes down to fill my lungs until finally what I really want to do is let it weight me to the bottom so that I can sleep. But I can't even get that. I get no release from sleep. I am tormented by nightmares where everybody abandons me, where my son is taken away and I am left in a dark place with only myself and my own personal demons.
 
Nobody believes me. I have said I need help, but they look at me like I am a liar. They brush it off as mere stress when I feel it so deeply inside of my heart and soul that it is so much more than that, so much darker and so much harder. I feel like for every step I gain I lost 10. I don't even want to go outside. I have not left my house in over a week. I sit and I read, I sleep until noon  and then get up to start all over again. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do. And then I hurt. I hurt all over like I have some kind of flu, but I know i'm not sick. My body aches until I could cry. I burst out crying at the dumbest things, I'll cry for an hour and when asked why I can give no answer because I don't know...
 
But I hide it. And I hide it so well that nobody notices the tears behind my smiles. Nobody sees the sadness in my eyes. My laughter is so hollow, I hear it in my ears and do not recognize it as my own anymore. Like a stranger has taken over my body, the motions are mechanical with no emotion behind them. My husband and I rarely have relations. I rarely hold my son. I feel so inadequate. I feel so hopeless. I have no insurance, or I would seek the help I know that I so desperately need....
 
Is it possible to have postpartum depression for two years? I have not been back to a doctor since a couple weeks after having my son... I could not afford it. But I feel like there's so much more at stake than money... I feel like I'm losing myself, and I'm terrified that I'll wake up one morning, look in the mirror and ask who that person is... I feel like i'm driving a wedge into my marriage on purpose, pushing him away but I don't know why!
 
I don't know if anybody will read this, you might or you might not... but I need help. I don't know what to do anymore...

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 3/25/2010 1:18 AM (GMT -7)   
YRMU. yes it could be this, ppd. and it may have started as this and has possibly manifested as depression and or a depressive disorder? i would go back to the hospital to ask for assistance. they do have programs to help mothers out with this. hey, food in the tummy and a roof over their heads is love too. the emotive response is blunted, and this usually shows in a person with a depressive disorder. your local maternal health centre may have free help and or can refer you to specialist assistance on a sliding fee scale. you have been brave in posting, keep being brave. welcome to the HW forum. with healing compassionate thoughts. jamie. male, 37.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


YouRaiseMeUp
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/25/2010 1:34 AM (GMT -7)   
I will look into the hospital. I had not considered that they might have something... it has been so long since I had my son, I thought I might look crazy just now going for help... I don't feel brave, I feel like I am petty. There are so many other things that could be wrong with me, I have read some of the posts here and I know that my problems pale in comparison. I think I have been too proud to ask for help. Too proud to admit that I have a problem.... I'm ashamed to admit that I am not strong enough to overcome this.. Aren't mothers supposed to be invincible? Aren't we supposed to have all the answers? Sometimes it feels that way.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 3/25/2010 2:18 AM (GMT -7)   
  1. no need to feel ashamed.
  2. this is a medical problem
  3. no-one is invicible.
  4. everybody needs help at different times (in life)
  5. you deserve to feel better.
  6. you deserve assistance.
  7. you deserve compassion and understanding.
  8. please seek assistance.
  9. the sooner you seek help, the sooner you will feel better.
  10. this happens to a lot of women around the world.
  11. maybe a mothers group for support would be beneficial for you. people in the same situation.
  12. i wish you well. with compassion, jamie

YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


YouRaiseMeUp
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/25/2010 2:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you... I have looked into some free clinics and may call tomorrow to see if they can help me. Sometimes, I think we all just want someone to know what we're going through, even if we don't know them. I have struggled with this for a long time, but I'm growing tired of the struggling. I don't have the energy for it. No, this is not a vague reference to harming myself, I have no intentions of that. I may be sad but too many people need me for me to abandon them. I just want one day where I don't have to fight to get out of bed. I want to be that person that looks in the mirror and sees my attributes, not my flaws. I think we all wish for that.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 3/25/2010 2:54 AM (GMT -7)   
i hear you. we here at the forum know and understand depression. and i appreciate that each person's struggle is unique, albeit i know the struggle of depression. so in saying this i want you to know that you are a precious human being of this earth, and here on this forun we do care. with compassion, jamie.
 
ps, hang in there.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

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