I am not certain where I should start; I am a long-time sufferer of mild depression - it has generally been controlled with low doses of antidepressants prescribed by general physician.
Description of situation: approximately two years ago my husband of eight years and I decided to separate. Almost immediately he decided he had made a mistake and wanted to continue to try. He did not move back in. After about six months, he was deployed and, during this time, we remained married. I didn't go out of my way to relieve any stress or anxiety he was feeling during this time as 1. I wasn't sure what my role should be and 2. I was raising two kids and working full time without any support (that left little time for anything else).
Anyhow, he returned last October and we decided we would try to work it out. We spent the holidays together. Things were not perfect; I was much more hesitant than he, but we were getting along well. Then, approximately a month and a half ago, he decided he was done. I begged him for another chance and lost all dignity THREE TIMES. A week and a half ago, I found naked pictures of my daughters daycare provider in his email (I was not snooping; he left it open on MY computer and forgot to sign out.....I mistook it for my account).
I am reeling; I don't understand how someone who claims to have concern for another person could be so cruel. This girl watched my daughter in my home and it didn't ever occur to him that it might not be the best idea to send your mistress to your wife's home to watch your daughter. And through all of this he is angry with me; he thinks I've been horrible to him. We don't speak, the divorce papers are nearly complete, and although I won't ever forgive him his behavior and I don't think I want him to return, I am devastated. I am functioning only because I have to; if I could stay in bed and cry all day I would do it in a heartbeat.
I have an appointment with a therapist but it won't occur until mid-April. How does one cope? I don't even know what the specific trigger of my current state was. I don't love him (in all honesty, I'm not certain I ever did); all I know is I am on the verge of tears every five minutes and I obsess over the whole situation (conversations play over and over again in my head, etc.). I can barely work, barely take care of my kids and my whole family is sick of listening to me lament over it. My behavior is disgusting; I'm not certain I was aware how mean I could be.....and all I wish for right now is his complete and utter destruction.
I don't know where to turn.