I'm new here and just looking for any advice or suggestions.

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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/26/2010 8:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello there. I just want to start out by saying that I've never even spoken with any therapists or psychologists, so I've never been evaluated or diagnosed with anything. To be honest, I've thought I should be for many years but I've just been very scared of the idea. I'm a twenty year old girl at college. I've always been extremely antisocial. My whole life I have never put much emphasis on friendship, I have friends that I have none for a while, but I can honestly say I don't fully understand friendship. A lot of my problems started when I started dating my first boyfriend.
I've pretty much always felt like something was wrong, every since maybe early adolescence. I've never been able to feel truly satisfied.
I started dating my first boyfriend when I was sixteen. He was dealing with his own depression and emotional instability. It was of course, great at first. He was the first person I could ever open up to and admit that I'm just never truly happy. We had so many long heart to hearts about depression and how we felt, which was a very big first for me. We dated for about two years. After a year or so, it became clear that me being so antisocial had become a problem. I had pulled away from even certain activities that I loved and started getting very insecure about our relationship. I don't know much about emotional abuse, but if I had to guess, I'd assume he was definitely a victim of it in our relationship.
I realize now, what I would constantly do, is get upset about something. I'd get upset about something to do with myself and keep him until four am sometimes fighting over it (keep in mind we were still in high school, getting up at 5 am). I wouldn't feel satisfied until I upset him so badly that he'd snap and yell at me and tell me I was wrong instead of trying to comfort me. I'd constantly threaten to break up with him and then pull him back. I was constantly pushing him away just to make sure I had the ability to pull him back.
We broke up eventually because of obvious reasons. After our break up, it took a few months but I ended regaining a lot of control and was happy for a while. This is around the time I started dating my current boyfriend. When I started dating him, I told him right away about how I was before and how if I ever got like that with him, he shouldn't stay with me.
After about nine months, my "depression" (again, I'm calling it that because I  never have been diagnosed it could be any number of things.) started creeping up again. It started slowly where little things would just upset me more than usual. One thing that had always bothered me about our relationship was the fact that my boyfriend drinks. I don't drink alcohol whatsoever but I have never been any sort of "preacher" about the subject, I never even fully excluded the idea of drinking myself, I just never have. But as time went on, it became a bigger deal. He doesn't drink often. Nothing bad has even happened with it. I would end up crying myself to sleep just thinking about the mere fact that he might be drinking. And slowly, I became just as insecure about so many other aspects of our relationship.
I am slowly watching myself turn into the person I was towards the end of my first relationship. I already lost of person to being insecure and unsatisfied. I truly love my boyfriend and I don't want to be putting him through this. I am aware of the cycle I can get into. We have talked alot recently and I've realized that counselling is something that I am going to look into.
Like I said before, I don't know I am depressed, or if I might have some other disorder. To be honest, I don't know if I want to know. I am just wondering if anybody would have any input on this situation. Thanks.

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/26/2010 9:26 PM (GMT -6)   
You sound like me when I was younger.
I dont have any advice to give, but I can defiantely relate.
It feels still like a dissasociation with everyone and everything, and no matter how hard I tried to create and keep friendships, they just never mean as much to me as the other person. I didnt NEED them .. which is something i found in men. That slowly turns sour because as an independant person needing someone is a contradiction to our human circumstances.
Needing someone isn't loving them, It is using them.. Again I dont know if this applies to you and I feel i must say that incase I am totally off the mark.

Since I was 14 I have been in long lasting relationships with men(or boys at 14), and had no need for any other friendships or contact with anyone. Eventually a rut would form and it would end up getting irreparable.
recently I am single and with out the comfort of a male friendship to share myself with wholey, I am branching out and seeking friendships that are built slowly and strongly.
With a sexual relationship sometimes it feels like you bare your true self to quickly, and from that point, it felt for me, like they person I was with then became less of a person and more of a dependancy.. if you see what im saying. Once I showed my insecurities i felt the person could see them all the time and still believe that is true.
Now that I am begining to build friendships slowly and strongly I dont feel the need to share all facets of my life with the person and that keeps me feeling stronger. Because I dont need to share everythign with everyone in order to have a bond.
I am finally comming into my own and although I am still feeling a dissasociation with people it is much less than it ever was. it is not me and my signifigant other against the world, it is not me in a world of people with whom I can chose to form friendships with and who are living the unpredictable life we all live. Finding friendships instead of relatiopnships has made me feel a new respect for the relationships that I will get into in the future.
Not saying that you and your boyfriend should not be together, I am simply relating and speaking my story. I dont know if it will help.
If you can had regained your poise after your relationship with your first boyfriend mentioned, than perhas you will have the ability to regain it with your current boyfriend at your side. I wish you the best.

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/26/2010 9:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you. It's nice to know that somebody understands a bit of what I am going through.

I agree with what you said about needing them and the difference between using and loving. I'd personally like to think that I do actually love my current boyfriend. I won't lie that I am clearly using him. We recently started going to the same school and he is my only friend. I have no motivation to make any other friends. The only reason I feel that I need any right now is so I am not smothering him as much as I am. The majority of the reason I am looking into talking to other people about this subject is because I do feel that what I have with my boyfriend is something that is worth the "trouble" for me. We've come very close to breaking up lately, and to be honest, I am not sure if I am doing the same thing with pushing him away and pulling him back again.

but thank you again :)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40406
   Posted 3/27/2010 7:48 AM (GMT -6)   
MAYBE and Gmchris,

Welcome to you both to the forum. I am so glad that you have found us.

Gmchris, I think it is time for you to think about some counseling for this. It is obvious that you need to talk to somebody about your depression. That is the only way to get better and break old habits.

I hope that this finds you both feeling well and happy.


Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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