Husband's cheating has left me angry

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Grannie_28
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/5/2010 9:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay, I don't want to sound stupid here because I really am confused about my emotions, but here goes... I thought for a really long time that I was depressed about my husband's cheating. I thought that I was crying and upset because I was depressed, but I don't think that word acurately describes my feelings. I am LIVID. I am so mad I can't see straight. All I ever asked my husband for was the truth. I begged and pleaded for it for three years of a four year marriage, and never once did I get it. All I want is for him to admit that he had sex with another woman, but instead he sits there with a pained expression on his face. His face tells me there is more to the story, but the words will not come out of his mouth. And while he is painfully sitting beside me, I just want to yell obsenities. We are now in counseling, and that is making me more angry. When we go to counseling the counselor nutures him into talking by telling him that this is a safe place, this is a good place, this is a place where judgements aren't passed. Meanwhile I sit there hearing more of the same BS I have heard for the last three years. NOTHING.  I am so pissed I can barely stand it. This isn't your hot-headed-scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs mad; it is a white hot anger that I think could burn for a long time.
 
I need help dealing with my anger. I know that him telling me the truth will make things better. It won't make it perfect, but I will have the satisfication of knowing that I know everything. But I know I will never get that, so I need to learn how to deal with this in other ways. If you have a legit suggest that doesn't inclue throttling my husband :) I would love to hear it.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 4/6/2010 4:10 AM (GMT -7)   
hi, jamie here, male 37.
 
it seems that he wants to tell you. pained expression. is he worried that if he spills all that you will leave him? i do not know. going to counselling is a very good step, it pisses you, i get that, i get that you are ready to unleash the wrath of a women scorned!! i feel, (my opinion) from what i have read and sense in your post is-that it seems more likely he will tell all when you calm down a bit. maybe a long walk-or something physical as a release. jogging, etc.
yeah i get that this is his indiscretion and not yours. i do not condone what he has done, nor would i do this myself, albeit he has did something, and as you have stated there is more to the story. if the counselling has only begun then i feel more time is warranted. i feel it will come out soon.
 
with compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 4/6/2010 6:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Grannie,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I am glad that you have joined us. And I hope that you stay with us.

I don't know if you really want to know everything. You may think that you do, but it might jsut make you more angry. And in my opinion, it isn't so much what he did, but you need to learn to trust again and you need to learn to control your emotions. That is what you should be working on tat this time. Though I know you want to know everyting. If I were you, I would too. But it really isn't that important in the big scheme of things. Working on yourself is what you need to do. I know I make it sound trivial, but I have been through it and trying to figure it out, only makes us more angry and eventually will drive you crazy.

I have a situation with my late husband. I think he fathered a child. It didn't dawn on me until after he passed away due to lung cancer. And I wanted to know more than anything. I wanted to confront the woman that I think he slept with. It made me crazy. But now I realize that really isn't important. It would just make me more upset to know for sure. And in a way I do know for sure in my own head, I was just in denial for a long time. When it was right in front of me. Little things make sense that didn't before. But I figure, it will come out when I am ready to handle it, as will your problem. There is a right time for everything.

I hope that this helps some. Work on you, your anger and getting better. You will benifit from that and the rest will all come out in the wash.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Grannie_28
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/6/2010 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi All,
Thanks for your response. Everything said has been said to me before. I understand that I need to calm down and that I need to give counseling more time. The counselor wants us to take baby steps up until the point when we are comfortablee telling each other the complete truth. I have a slight problem with that. I want to know the truth first and then we can take baby steps in order to deal with what comes out. I know myself very well. We will take baby steps and he will confess and I will revert back to being completely angry again. I won't be angry because of his action (intuitively, I already know what will be said...sex and possible child), but I will be angry because it took him so long to tell me the truth. Then we will be right back where we started which isn't a good place. Why in the world wouldn't you start with the complete truth, and then counsel from there.

Thanks for your responses. They really do help.

Grannie28

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 4/6/2010 9:53 AM (GMT -7)   
I think because it will take some time before he will confess and tell you everything. And you need some help with the anger issue now. Like I said, it comes out eventually. I know that this isn't much consulation for you, you have questions. But as time goes on, you will realize that it really wasn't that important (knowing everything that is). It doesn't change anything. You know it still happened. I would be consoling myself right now and getting on with life. Deciding if I want to be with him or not. How it effects the relationship. So don't put off the counseling. And the counseling will help you to handle the end result better. Though I do hope that you find the truth. My late husband told me once if he ever cheated on me, he would deny it until the day he died, and he did. But I overlooked everything, was in denial. I didn't want to know, it would of made me unhappy. And all I wanted to be was happy. So I was.
 
I wanted to add, that anger is such a negative emotion.  It takes a lot out of us like jealousy does.  It makes us ill, it eats at us.  So I think that the counseling is a great idea to get you feeling better, then deal with the rest.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 4/6/2010 10:57:05 AM (GMT-6)


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 4/6/2010 9:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Grannie,
I have to admit bravo for trying hard!  I want you to know it is ok to be flat out Country Pissed, and I strongly encourage you to find a place where it is acceptable for you to work thru that (like individual therapy).  Because you do not want to continue to drink the poison of anger forever, because the emotion behind the anger is pain and hurt.  It is how dare you hurt me like this.  How dare you disrespect me?  Which leads to insecurities about yourself.  Which is complete crap, because you were not the one who messed up here, he was, and while he may have an explaination (that you do not want to flip out over until you hear the complete story so know that you might want to be patience with him and yourself about that), but bear in mind it is his issue and his insecurity (It is Not Your Fault!).
Do you ever wonder about the question of "what will it take for you to heal?" This is something that has to be incredibly painful and there is alot of grief there. There are several reasons why in there are steps to any process, think about the stages of grief, because there is no doubt this has caused you alot of grief.  Most of all I just want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself.
Take Care,
Navy
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 4/6/2010 11:44:26 AM (GMT-6)


Grannie_28
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/6/2010 1:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay, so many of you have said that down the road it won't matter what he did. It actually doens't matter right now what he did. I feel like I was misleading in my thread title. My husband's cheating hasn't been the source of my anger. He and I discussed this affair/child three years ago. He confessed some but not all. I know this because I beg and plead for the entire story all the time, and only sometimes do I get little tid bits of info about the situation. Every time though they are things I already know in my heart, but they are different versions of the same story. I just need to hear him say them and stick to them for the sake of honesty. The honesty issue is my real problem. I can't understand how someone can lie. I don't lie to him about much (saving face doesn't count..I don't want to hurt his feelings if a shirt that he loves is hideous...not a battle I care about), so I don't expect to be lied to. The lying is the source of my anger. The cheating I have had to come to terms with because this girl is someone I see every once in a while. Myhusband cheated. Great. I just want him to be a human being and tell the truth for once. He does owe me that.

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 4/6/2010 1:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Do you think you might have answered your own question here? "tell the truth for once" Honey I hate to ask this, but what do you think relationships should be based off of (besides love)?
 
I am going to step off here, because I feel this is really something that is best left to the professional individual therapist.


Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 4/6/2010 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I had a cheating man & I got rid of him,didn't need that.......
SnowyLynne


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 4/6/2010 2:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand you wanting to know the truth. But it always surfaces at one point or another. And it will. But just don't let it interfere in your everyday life. Don't dwell on the past. And you said that this was three years ago. So you have forgiven him. Don't continue to let this interfere with your relationship. It has happened. You need to move on. I agree with counseling. I think it is so important. People do make mistakes. And sometimes when you step back from a situation you can see it more clearly. If you are constantly thinking about it you lose perspective. I hope that you can come to terms with all of this and lead a happy life.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


youngpoet_467
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/7/2011 3:59 PM (GMT -7)   
    Hi Grannie_28;
   
    Um, My name is Chris, i only signed up because i wanted to add to talk to you. I had a similar situation with my first girlfriend. She may have cheated and i never got the whole truth, sometimes there really isn't an easy to understand "truth" anyway. In fact, having heard her admit something, after tearing it out of her in an argument, i realized it still didn't feel any better, nor did it sound like it was more truth than what i heard before. I was in an endless, bottomless pit of confusion and rage. So, the relationship was ruined. How could we even talk with that black cloud hanging over us? I think after we stopped talking her life hit a few bumps and mine didn't get much better either. Those emotions actually made me physically ill (or helped) and i was bed-ridden for a week. So it didnt seem good, but today, it is good that it ended sooner than later. Today i'm healthy and have a little of everything i wanted before., and some new problems, but atleast they're different problems!
     Here's why this happens: RAGE. We both want reality to be different, not to have our time wasted. We grew up with certain ideals and when things slap us in the face it really seems like that's it! This means war! Well the bottom line is that these people aren't who we thought they were, and neither will we be the same person either. Bear with me...
     I believe you dont' need counseling actually. I got in trouble with another girlfriend down the road, still years ago, and was supposed to get anger management. The system couldn't fit me into the class and i eventually realized my own problem on my own. My friends know me to be a very gentle person so... what set me off? Apparently i didnt know how to deal with conflict before the incident and then finally blew my top when pushed into a corner. I felt threatened at the time, like an animal. Ofcourse this girlfriend really knew how to push my buttons and drew me into the fight. Only afterward did i realize i had options on how to avoid the conflict. At the time though she was in my space, my face, and wasn't going anywhere. She was stubborn as a mule and i was too proud to be the first to leave. But that's what i should have done. I should have run like a yellow belly coward for the hills. I could have lost the battle and won the war. I could have left the scene and come back when she was gone and ended everything the next day. Well, since i no longer see her, it's just peace now, there was no war. Don't worry, no one got hurt actually. It just wasn't fun. Now i have a different girlfriend who is mature and sweet, we have a normal relationship with the occasional explosion, just nothing too crazy, y'know? And eventually her and i might break up. Rome will rise and fall, the sun sets and rises again. Life goes on. How come your life isn't going on?
    
   THE BIG CRUX :
 
     I think you don't need help controlling your anger. I think you need help recognizing your anger.  You're anger needs help with you actually. You're anger is telling you something and you're not listening. I think you should have made your desires clearer earlier. I think you're angry at this person and the wasted 3 years. 3 or four years of stress. 3 or 4 years of feeling like an idiot for acting like you don't know what's he's up to. 3 or 4 years of being that idiot! 3 or 4 years of barely being alive because of this double life, this denial, this stubborness by the both of you. I think you're anger is right to be there.... IF you couldn't escape. Obviously you're body is telling you to  get out of the dangerous situation. Well, sorry to me. It's not obvious when you're trying hard to live up to a previous set goal, is it? You didn't want to give up or feel defeated. Well, you're not defeated. You need to change your mind and grow up a little more (i hope that doesn't sound too harsh, take it lightly). Ideals are not going to cut it here. You have to get with reality, this guy is not for you and you need other options. You might be a pain for him now too since you probably scare him, lol... which is funny to me and good for you. You can survive and find some one else if you want to. Life is grimy and dirty, but also random, just random and crazy. We've tried hard to preserve the good in it. Preserve yourself. Save yourself. Protect yourself. Protect yourself from what you'll do if you feel any more rage and anger.... i.e. the bobbit incident. and then jail or just regret, and injured reputation. I'm sure being stressed out doesn't make it any easier to hang out with your friends either. You're more alone by trying to deal with a bad situation. Other friends are not going to condone your efforts when you just drag everybody through the mud longer.
     When i had anxiety, i needed medication to give myself some breathing room. It worked, and now i 'm a little more wise to the onset of anxiety. When dealing with confrontation, i've learned to spot the warning signs before i get in a situation where i will blow my top. We're not sick for being human and having a temper. We're just trying to protect ourselves. But if we can take ourselves out of the "dangerous" place or personal problem- then we can control our anger. Anger probably takes over because we haven't taken over from anger sooner. Once free of the threat, we're not getting any signals that cause survival reactions, we're getting better and finding room to breathe, allowing our thoughts to become higher ones that eventually can accept our new, more acceptable surroundings. You're upset in counselling because you feel like you're the one with the problem here! But you're not! Nothing angers me more too than having some dork try to tell you to calm down when you passionately believe in your side of the argument. BUT! all that is a waste of time. No one will understand you, you'll never understand him, you just have to leave them, go to your friends, go away, go back to yourself. At the end of your life it should only be a paragraph of a story, a little lesson you learned a long time ago. Cheating, it happens because we're stupid monkey's. Hope you're not Christian or something. Things get harder to understand from that point of view. But anyway, trust that people like you are everywhere trying to have high standards and keep their lives from turning to S**T. Feel me?
      I believe you need to excercise, as in sports, to exert some force into your muscles and cleanse your pores, lol. Martial arts are great if you can find a school that teaches peace over violence and exclamates that you are there for self defense and exercise, and fun, most importantly. Also you need to get a divorce or seperate, live apart, grow apart, etc. You have to realize that everything is ruined and will not get better while you're there, letting some one hit you with your own hand. Sounds like fun.
      Finally, after you've gone through this painful time, way way down the road... you won't be in jail for doing god knows what (i understand if you know what i mean) you're only human. And while out in the world, working out that stress and doing better for yourself, living a routine that falls into what you accept as "good", you'll have a clearer conscience... darn spelling. You know - you won't have to deal with people that don't fit your idea of right and wrong. Also, you might mature to the point where you realize that although he's a faulty idiot, he is forgivable in a (i don't have to deal with him anymore ) kind of way and just gradually get over those "little " things that almost ruined your life. But they didn't ruin your life: because you changed your life.
      If he told you what you wanted to hear it wouldn't make a difference. You'd still know that he did something you can't accept at this point in life (or ever). It's still your decision to leave or condone the other partner. Either you're surprised that you don't care as much as you think you do, or you are too scared, stubborn, ignorant, etc etc.... so many reason we hold ourselves back from making that first tough step. I have to get away. It's a fight or flight response! If you don't choose flight, it's just gonna be more fight. Your life is gonna get shorter and shorter. There's nothing wrong with you for being angry and wanting to turn his body inside out with his own barbeque tongs. The point is that we have to stop ourselves from getting pushed into that corner by making tough decisions for our independance and personal survival.
 
     Good Luck-

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 7/7/2011 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

I just wanted to let you know that this post is over a year old. So I don't think some of the people are even still around who posted. But I also want to welcome you to the forum. So... Welcome...

Keep posting, and if you feel like, start an intro thread about yourself. Just click on "post new topic" to do that.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngpoet_467
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/7/2011 11:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Despite knowing it was an old post i just had to say what i said... elaborating on SnowyLynne's sage advice. Also i don't think it takes an expert to see when counseling does and doesn't help, until her feelings are numbed instead of resolved. Thanks for the welcome. A year? She's probably still in counseling. :-P
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, December 06, 2016 3:11 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,405 posts in 301,114 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151254 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Amir5600.
219 Guest(s), 2 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Stetsonva, amybanks


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer