Seemingly random outbursts of intense irritability, need advice.

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taylorc
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/7/2010 9:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi!

I have a problem. I'm female and in a loving relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years, give or take. We've been living together for more than that as friends. I love him to pieces but I have a problem that is making him feel bad and I don't know what to say to him. In short, I am just like my mother in that I MUST MUST MUST have "alone time". I have to have periods of solitude every day. Well, he lost his job back in February and he is naturally a homebody with just a couple good friends to visit that live about 10 mins away. He is home all day long, for most days and it is driving me absolutely insane. I don't get my solitude and that is a very bad thing. When I don't get it, I become irrational and extremely irritable and at times inconsolably angry. He doesn't deserve that and he should have the freedom to be at home with me when he wants. Just today, I started feeling "my bubble" caving in on me as he kept following me from room to room just wanting to be close. I felt like a snake about to strike. I wanted him as far away from me as possible. It doesn't help that he can't understand my needs very well. He's never felt that way and is used to living in close quarters with other humans and I definitely AM NOT. It also doesn't help that I live in kind of a cramped part of town full of apartments and humans meandering about. I despise living so closely to other people who I don't know, which adds to my problem. I'm trying really hard not to mess this up. He seems to take my aggression rather well but he shouldn't have to.

How do I cope with living in conditions that cause me so much cognitive dissonance? I seriously need some advice.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 4/7/2010 9:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Taylor,

Welcome to HealingWell. I am so happy that you have joined us.

It sounds like you two need to talk about this. Let him know that you need your space. I am that way too. I need a lot of alone time. If I don't see another human being for a week, it doesn't bother me. Though I do like people now. I didn't use to.

I guess you have to do it in a manner that doesn't make him feel unloved. Maybe set aside a time of day just for you. It sounds like he is a little needy, though I may be totally off base with that. But he has to learn that you are a solitude person and need that time for yourself. Just be gentle. When you are feeling closed in on, take a deep breath. Try to relax, it will get better.

I hope that this has helped you some. I am in fibrofog today so my mind isn't that good. I am sure that I have more helpful hints for you as I am the same way. I use to make my alone time a nice warm bath at night. But I don't do that anymore. I would listen to music, light candles and the whole shot. It was a nice time.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


taylorc
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/7/2010 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the reply! I will implement those coping mechanisms. My boyfriend is a jewel but I think that the concept of solitude escapes him. I encouraged him to go to the next town and see his friends today so that I could bask in this beautiful silence.

I'm starting to wonder if my need for solitude isn't necessarily the thing that causes me to lash out. As I sit in my apartment, if I see someone pass by my window, I will catch myself thinking "nasty human" or somesuch negative comment. I don't even know them, they're just in my space, invading my window view with their presence and ultimately putting me into a kind of defense mode. I'm extremely territorial and I feel like I need a place outdoors that I can call solely mine, where no one can see me. My fantasy (escapism) is living in a rural setting surrounded by 80+ acres of land, nestled in thick forest. When I go there in my mind, I feel relieved. I'm well overweight yet I climbed a mountain one day just to escape from humans only to be disappointed that there were humans there, too! I know that no matter where I go, humans will be there, invading my space and leaving me irritated and aggressive by their mere presence. I've yet to understand why I've become so defensive of my territory. The only thing I can come up with is that I can't tolerate small talk, I hate fickle drama and I despise being dragged into other people's messes simply because "we're friends". Many of my past friendships have ended on quite sour notes because of my inability to tolerate their infidelities in their own personal lives. I can't just like someone because they're fun to talk to while overlooking their hurtful-to-others behavior. I see people eating themselves (figuratively) and those who care to come close enough and I like to avoid that. It all comes down to trust and I trust two people. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next person to come along and cause a big mutual fuss. I'm always on the lookout, probably unconsciously thinking "are you here to hurt me?". What is this called? It's hard to analyse oneself for not being able to see the forest for all the lovely trees.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 4/7/2010 1:52 PM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like you have a wall around you. Maybe some paranoia involved. As you seem to think that people are trying to invade your space. But when you went to the mountain and found people there, they were probably doing the same thing as you were. Trying to escape the population. The problem is, in some instances, we have to share the space with others. The eighty acres would be nice. I have eight. And have the trees that you speak of. So I have a place to go when I want to be alone. I can see you striving for a place like that. Maybe that is something that you could have in the future. A place of your own with privacy.

But try not to dislike the world. There are good and bad people out there, and I think it is only fair to give the good people a chance. I run into them from time to time. In the grocery stores or at Walmarts. People can be nice. I just find that I keep everybody at arm's length. I don't get too close to people, but I don't disregard them either. I have aquaintances I guess. Very few friends. But I get along with them better that way.

I spent a lot of years alone. And that is enough. I am now ready to let people in. I try to anyway. Maybe I will always be a type of a hermit. But then I do find that I miss people at times. I guess that comes with age. You feel the need to have contact. Briefly though. Just a little bit.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 4/7/2010 6:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I think there is something to "a room of one's own," but yet I am sure you can hear the irrationality of calling someone a nasty human being (even if it is just in your mind) just because they passed by your window.
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