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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 1
Posted 4/13/2010 12:37 PM (GMT -7)
I have so many weights in my heart that I don't know where to start. I am 39 years old and I think I'd feel diferent levels of depression thru most of my life. I was the only child born to parents that were way into their adulthood (my dad was 53 and my mom 40 when I was born ), so spend my childhood pretty much around adults. Dad was a doctor and Mom was a teacher, they both worked a lot to have a good position in life. Unfurtunelly, my Dad suffered from diabetes and even my youngest memories are full of the pain of seeing him suffer and, because of his natural handling of his illness, the early certanty that he was going to die. I guess the one thing that I cherish the most is that besides his typical diabetic outbursts, he was a kind, loving father, who never restrain of showing his affection. That only made it more devasteiting when he finally die when I was 18 years old, and I guess that would be the first, if not the bigger, of those weights in my heart. The day that he died, My mother and I were at the hospital since the night before, in the afternoon we went to grab something to eat and when we returned the doctor told us that my father had already passed away. Since that day I'd never forgive me fo rmy father being alone when he died. That started a snowball of things in my life, my mother and I just grew apart, each of us grieving on our own, we were like a tricycle with out a wheel. I had a 3 years strong relationship with my school sweetheart that also suffered until it ended 3 years later. At that time I also drop out of college, but since I'd worked since I was 18 I managed to score some good jobs. By the time I was 25 I met who will become my wife. When we first started dating everithing was wonderful ( I guess that's true for everyone ).I was working in what turn out to be the best job I have ever had, but because of internal politics I had to leave it. We got married right after my 29th birthday and allmost form the begining my wife and I realized that what had been a beautiful romance for four years became sour. We strugled for another four years until one night after work I managed to gather enuff corage to call it quits, and on one of my most unforgettable moments in my life, it turned out that my wife was waiting at home to give me the notice that she was pregnant.
So I taked that as a sign that we should stay together and still I've never told my wife what almost happened. I cannot tell you how much I love my son, he's been my reason for living since he was born. When he was 2 years old we had to move to another city and because of personal matters I haven't been able to work again, so for the last 4 years my wife has been the house provider and I keep care of our house, our son and since last year our new baby girl. The reverse rolls haven't help the situation in our marriage and after 10 years I know we both have hurt each other a lot, but we soldier on because of our children, who at the end I see as the physical manifestation of the love that we once had for each other. To put the cherry on top, my mother died 3 years ago and, again, I couldn't be in time to be at her side so she also died alone. So there you go, before I turn 40 I have mannaged to be a failure in pretty much every aspect of my life, I've been a lousy son, a midiocre student and worker, and a terrible spause. I've let down all the great spectations that everyone including me had for me, and the only thing that I have left is to make an effort to be the best father I can, as you can see, all my bagage makes it harder and harder each day, and I now I couldn't live if I fail to my children aswell, so I need to find help as soon as I can, I just don't know where or how to start.
Thank you for thaking the time for reading this and I'm sorry for all the grammar errors that you find in this letter.
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40939
Posted 4/13/2010 12:55 PM (GMT -7)
Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I am so glad that you have joined us.
The one thing I usually recommend is counseling. Seeing your doctor too. You might need medications. But I am sure that counseling would help you tremondously.
You need to stop blaming yourself for not being able to be there when your father and your mother died. It just wasn't meant to be I guess. But it is definately not your fault. These things just happen, and that is what it did. It happened.
You are looking at everything in a very negative light. You need to think positive. Maybe get a self help book on depression. There are many good books out there and you could be reading and helping yourself while you wait to get into counseling. I highly recommend both. Talk to your doctor, maybe get a physical to make sure there isn't anyting physical going on. Like I said, they might prescribe some antidepressants. And they will hook you up with counseling most likely.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You sound like a good person to me and you are really hammering yourself with negative thoughts. Try some deep breathing or some meditation. That really helps to ground us. Take care of yourself. Keep posting as everybody here really does care about
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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big friendly elephant.
Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18991
Posted 4/14/2010 12:12 PM (GMT -7)
hi jamie here.
i send my condolences over the loses you have faced. i agree with karen's info regarding counselling, it will help with losing some of the baggage and will help you with focusing on key matters that you need to address. i sense that you are trying hard, i admire your bravery in posting, keep being brave. with compassion, jamie
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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