Trying to sort out what's wrong with me to help my depressed partner?

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RW
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/18/2010 9:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello,
I've never done anything like this before as I've always felt I'm strong enough to work out my own issues within myself. But last night, something happened with my partner (which has happened many times before) that pushed me over the edge.

My partner has emotional problems and takes anti-depressants. She can be quite moody with me but I seem to add to her mood swings alot. One of the main points of friction between us, is a sexual problem. We both know we don't have sex enough, but there are a few issues I have which make having sex with her not so easy.

Firstly, a few years ago, my father admitted to cheating on my mother. They are very old fashioned and refused to seek any professional help. However, they turned to me, their son, in their darkest moments, to get them through it all. That whole event has never been resolved for me as I did all the helping but nobody helped me. Now, whenever I have sex, I find it difficult not to be reminded of those past events with my parents. This results in me being unable to hold an erection sometimes (but if I can manage not to think about the past, everything is ok) or whenever my partner wants sex, I'm not so keen.

The way my partner wants sex is also a challenge for me as I feel pressured in how she approaches it. I feel it is sometimes forced upon me rather than me being made to feel at ease (it's a difficult situation to explain). This also results in me feeling like I am constantly tested to see if I'm making any progress within myself to satisfy her which in turn leads to me feeling un-aroused.

All this is coupled with the tough time I have, dealing with my girlfriend's emotional state. It changes sometimes at the drop of a hat. It confuses me alot. So last night, we were lying with each other watching TV. All was well. We began hanging some clothes and she told me that I didn't need to help anymore and I should get ready for bed because I was supposed to be asleep by then anyway. It all seemed ok. She had a shower, then hopped in to bed and seemed a little unhappy. I asked her what was wrong and she said "nothing". I said, "promise?" and she essentially did promise. But then she swiftly picked her phone up and walked out of the room. She told me she needed to write some invitations for an event. I then woke up hours later and she was sitting on the couch, crying, wrapped in a blanket. I immediately rushed over to her and tried to comfort her. I got a sinking feeling I was in regards to me. It was, but she refused to talk about it. She just said "it's just the same crap because nothing has changed. Please leave me alone." So I reluctantly got up and went back to our room. I did not sleep and she still has not contacted me (we speak every day on our breaks, text every day.)

When this sort of thing happens, and I try and try desperately to ask her what I've done wrong and comfort her, I instantly feel like my father when he was desperately trying to hold on to my mother as she wept over her unfaithful husband. I'm beginning to think I have real father issues related to that one event years ago and I'm afraid that it is affecting my relationship with my girlfriend. I also feel it is made worse by her emotional instability and I'm so scared of losing the love of my life as a result. It makes me nervous all day at work. I can't concentrate. I came home today because it made me so sick I threw up a few times. I'm starting to worry all this is making me head into a state of depression as well.

I'm sorry for such a long-winded explanation but this is all best explained by me recounting past events.

If anyone has any advice at all, please help.

Thank you.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 4/19/2010 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

Welcome to the depression forum. In a way, I feel that both of you could use some counseling. You to get your father's issues out of your mind and her to find out what is going on. So please consider this.

It sounds like she is depressed and needs some help with meds or counseling. For her moods to change like that, it sounds like she needs some kind of help.

It is hard for the partner to help because she needs somebody totally objective. And professional. I kinow that htis is hard for you. You probably feel rather helpless right now. But that is normal. So please talk to her about counseling and see where it goes from there.

I hope that this has helped a little. I don't have much to offer in advice at this time. But you need to learn to stay in the moment when you are being intimate, and counseling can help you tremondously.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 4/19/2010 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
hi RW, i am jamie, male, 37.
 
i am sorry for how you are feeling, and for your situation. from what i have read i feel it is imperative that you seek some assistance. i feel that past issues are causing issues now. a good place to start is your gp. your gp can refer you to a counsellor that can help you. i understand somewhat, i am on hrt, am infertile, a genetic condition from birth. i am trying to read between the lines and i sense that the parental sexual difficulty has impacted on you greatly. with help you can and will function adequately, but first you need to heal your mind-then things will improve all round. with compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


RW
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/19/2010 10:36 PM (GMT -7)   
I'd just like to thank you both very much for your responses. Your words mean alot to me and I will talk to my partner soon and hopefully head in the direction of professional help as soon as we can.

Thank you again so much.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 4/20/2010 2:11 AM (GMT -7)   
RW, all the best. we are here for you. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

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