Feel like im at the end

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Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 4/21/2010 9:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Well I think I am coming to the end of a terrible something, i dont know what to call it.  I was sexually molested by my biological father and two uncles when i was younger for about 6 years. I was tossed back and forth between homes and now all i can do to forget it and nothing works!!  I am always crying, always thinking the worst!! Whenever people leave the room, i am always thinking they are talking bad about me!!! I am laways paranoid!! I think how great it would be to end it all but how it wouldnt be for the sake of my daughter!! I dont want her to think I didnt love her and that i was crazy when she grows up!!! I dont wanna sound like a whiner either and i am not looking for sympathy rather someone who might be able to converse with me who has been through the same thing!!!! I am a happy person on the outside constantly until i cant bear it anymore and then i have a momentary lapse where i breakdown but then go back to the bubbly smily person!!!
I just hate living like this and dont like to burden my friends or family, not that i want to burden anyone else either, im just thinking maybe talking to someone might help me as well as them!!!
Thanks for your time!!

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 4/22/2010 12:22 AM (GMT -7)   
hi cicinnya, jamie here, male 37 and a survivor.
 
i am a survivor of what is called a sequale of abuse. (all encompassing) i understand your situation well. what worked for me was getting it of my chest-emotionally, with a sexual abuse counsellor, personally-this battle was hard, i first raged, but this was found to be very counter-productive, albeit the release was enlightening all in the same, and third i forgave myself. by forgiving me i forgave the perpertraitor. i am not saying this is the way for you, albeit some specialised counselling and consultation with your doctor i do recommend. the pain does diminsh with time, yes you do need to work on it, otherwise it does pop back up, as you have highlighted. help is out there, seeking it will be the hardest of steps, but once you do, trust that you will find compassionate people who do not judge and that really understand. you have been brave in posting. my healing compassionate prayers to you. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 4/22/2010 5:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi cicynnya,

I am so sorry for what you went through when you were a child. That is so hard on us. So much healing time. So much time thinking about the injustice of it all.

Keep moving forward. Go to counseling and get it all out. Recognize it for what it was and then you are able to move on. I am sure you are hurt by what happened to you when you were little. I am sure that there are emotional scars. But you can get past this. With the help of a counselor. They give you support and an open mind to move on. Especially for your daughter. Love her with all you have. You will be glad that you did.

Keep posting. Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 4/22/2010 9:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your replys!! I did once go to a counsellor like 8 years ago but just got morea ngry and frusturated and stopped!! But one of my dilemmas is i just currently started working in the menatl health department of my town and i dont really wanna be seen there as a patient so i am kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place!!! I know in the hospital confidentiality is big but i have trust issues and dont want people to talk about me either!!!
I might look into finding an after hours counsellor, maybe I can find one of those!!!
Thanks for the thoughts and well wishes

Cicinnya

saddestgirl
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/22/2010 11:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Cicinnya, I am in the same boat, in the mental health field and so I always feel scared to talk to anyone about what i struggle with which is depression. i have my own share of sexual issues from an abusive father and also a rape at 17. I am happy you are posting for help. It really helps to write your feelings out sometimes. Abuse can lower our self-esteem and then sometimes we end projecting onto others they don't like us. Everytime that thought comes up, that people are talking bad about you, tell your thought, it is not the truth. Even if you don't believe it, it just might deprogram this way of thinking if you constantly correct it. In terms of your abuse, that is challenging. Do you find that you are able to have normal relationships with men, or do you feel impaired?

Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 4/24/2010 6:47 PM (GMT -7)   
my relationships are terrible!!
as soon as i start feeling too close i push them away so i dont get hurt and am also scared for my daughter even though i shouldnt be worried because i do not have relationships with "bad" people but you never know what happens right
it is really hard

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 4/24/2010 7:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Cicinnya,

You can be aware of things going on around you without haveing to be afraid. Taking care of your daughter is a good thing. You are doing the right things. Feel secure that when your daughter is with you she is safe.

I always kept my distance with people so I wouldn't get hurt. But found out later in life it was safe to have friends. And even if I got hurt in the past, it was a learning experience. We can build up walls, but there comes a time when they need to come down so that you can experience life.

I hope that you are feelilng better. I hope that you are happy.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 4/24/2010 9:40 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sure nothing would ever happen to my daughter but I am sure my mother thought the same thing as well as my step mother too!!!
It really is hard though to smile and live on like everything is perfect!!!
I am that person that smiles constantly and makes everyone around me smile but when its time to come home i cry and cry
I want to be strong for my daughter and be happy!!
I just dont know how i can do that
The world feels like ti is crashing down on me majority of the time!!

Saddestgirl,
Are you like me then and dont talk to anyone becasue you work in Mental Health???
I am really torn as to what I should do!!!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 4/25/2010 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Take life one day at a time. ONe moment if you have to. Stressing over things just makes your anxiety worse. So deal with things as they come and do it with confidence. You have strengths, you are a mother and that means that you are strong.

As for your daughter, like I said, Pay attention to what is going on. Make sure that she doesn't get in a situation like you did when your mother and stepmother wasn't looking. Make sure that you are always looking. You can prevent these things from happening by just paying attention.

Best wishes to you,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 4/25/2010 7:38 AM (GMT -7)   
How do you take things one mometn at a time and one day at atime???
My stressors come continuously along with suicide ideation!!! I have things that set me off and am not sure how to deal with them??
I was at my family doctor and a couple friends came with me and made me talk to the doctor but that was right after i had my daughter so i just said it was post partum and the pills made me worse and i couldnt go back to admit it all over again so i just didnt
Is that weird???
Does everyone else feel that way or is there no problem asking for help....
Stuck between two rocks

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 4/25/2010 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Asking for help is a huge step. But you are doing it now. So you can get past this. Going back to the doctor and explaining everything. Maybe make a list of things that you need to talk about would help. It is so important to get some support right now. I know that you can do this. Just keep trying. Take things as they come. Even when they come crashing in. Try not to worry about the future, it will ge here soon enough.
 
Here is somthing that might help you to read.  It has helped me though the years.  It is called desiderata:  http://www.freewebs.com/crys/

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 4/25/2010 10:44 PM (GMT -7)   
the one thing i cant get over to everyone that has replied to my post is no one has called me a whiner!! I always think someone is gonna roll their eyes at me and tell me to get over it!!
Like I know there is always someones life that is worse than mine and that is why I dont alk about it because im scared im gonna whine to someone that has had a way worse life than me so if that is the case here even though the whole story hasnt unravelled im sorry!!!
But my heart goes out to all of you because even if i dont know how you feel entirely i know i feel at least a bit like you all!!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 4/26/2010 6:44 AM (GMT -7)   
You are now a member of this group. So please keep posting and know that we are all here for you. We all suffer with different problems, but it all comes down to depression, so we have that in common. Know that we all care about you and are here to support you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 4/26/2010 10:57 PM (GMT -7)   
:)
thanks!!!
that is really overwhelming to hear!!!
i cant believe that a group so wide that has never met can be so amazing!!!
all of your kindness will be with me forever!!!

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 4/26/2010 11:53 PM (GMT -7)   
and with you too!! and all the members on this forum!!!! with compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/27/2010 5:13 AM (GMT -7)   
You'll nomally find me on the bipolar forum(newly diagnosed and all). But I can honestly say I know where you're coming from. Yesterday I spilled my guts in the bp forum recaping the harshest parts of my life that I could recall. It's never easy, I've done talk therapy off and on since childhood. Eventually you start looking at today...then tomorrow, instead of yesterday. Our past does play a part in who we are, but it doesn't define us. You are stronger than you think you are, and you are not alone.

Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 5/5/2010 6:45 PM (GMT -7)   
well everyone i made an appointment
but instead of seeing a psychiatrist because i dont want it to affect my job i made an appointment with a sexual assault counsellor
since i think this is the root of my problems i believe starting here is a big step and will be the first step in my journey
just wanted to update you all
thanks again
i will message monday after my appointment

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 5/5/2010 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
well done. you have followed your gut instincts. proud of ya. i remember making the call myself to see a s.a.c. it was hard, but after 12 sessions i was real glad that i did. with healings, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 5/5/2010 7:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Cicinnya,

Good for you. I am so happy that you made an appointment. And yes, you are on a journey. A healing journey. Which reminds me that there is a book called the healing journey that you should try to get. It is very helpful. I think it is called the sexual healing journey. I can't remember who wrote it, but there is a workbook too that goes with it. I hope that this helps. Best wishes on your new journey. And know that we are always here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 5/12/2010 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
So i went to my appointment
she wants me to go to a psychiatrist and get a psychiatric assessment
the only thing is i have to travel an hour and a half away for that because i dont want to see one i work with
and sinc ei dont have a license that shall be interesting....
she thinks im medically depressed and a few other things
next appointment is next monday so i guess it will be a harder day
just thought id update even though not much of an update

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 5/12/2010 10:11 PM (GMT -7)   
you are doing well-and are on the right track. here for you.
-jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Cicinnya
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 5/16/2010 9:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey everyone,
so I have no one to talk to and thought i could say it here nad get it off my chest....
i just found out i am pregnant....
and lst month i had two relationships within a week and a half of each other and both of them didnt last
i hate girls that dont know who the dad is but now i know it can happen, ugh
i feel like once i start to deal with one problem another arises
my daughter is so whiny and grouchy all the time and was colicy when she was younger and now im scared this one will be too
so many things going through my mind
and i dont want to tell my family because i dont want them to be disappointed in me....
anywyas i have my next counselling appointment tomorrow but my room mate went into the hospital overnight so i might not have a ride there
but ill update later!!
Thanks for listening and sorry to vent

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 5/17/2010 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sweetie,

I think it is important that you make the counseling appointment, but if you have to you can always reschedule.

I am sorry for your situation. But so happy that you are posting here about it. Having a baby is a wonderful thing. Hopefully it wont be colically (sp). It sounds like you are going to be a wonderul mother again. So please try to think of this as a good thing.

Best wishes to you. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


jacko333
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/18/2010 12:49 AM (GMT -7)   

One suggestion was to write a letter to the perpetrator, stating how you felt, how it has affected your life, and what you would like to do to them. Then, after re-reading it occasionally until you can't stand to see it anymore, have a ceremony, and burn it safely in a metal container, and flush the ashes down the toilet, symbolically ending the matter. Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which communication with your subconscious mind is facilitated. 85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or hypnosisdownloads has one on overcoming a troubled childhood, and caring less about the opinions of others, and/or asktheinternettherapist.com has one on re-parenting your inner child, and/or instant-hypnosis.com has one on dealing with child abuse.

If the above proves insufficient, I suggest that you seek psychotherapy, and a course of EMDR therapy, (* http://your-mental-health.weebly.com/q.h… ) would probably reduce the negative emotions associated with your memories of abuse to more acceptable levels - the EMDR to reduce the negative, combined with the other techniques shown may be all you need, enabling you to avoid psychotherapy (open ended; can take years, cost a small fortune, and achieve little, depending on the therapist, and client).
Try the relaxation methods at http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-… or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody… or http://www.wikihow.com/meditate... and/or Tai Chi, Qi Gong, or yoga. Also page L at this site*, where there are several to choose from. Some people are still dismissive of them, but scientific testing has demonstrated conclusively that they increase activity in the left prefrontal cortex, when practised regularly, and will enable you to find a way of being; awareness, without suffering, when you need it, and is a valuable tool for helping you through the worst parts of life.

Give the acupressure EFT a good tryout, to see if it helps you. It is free via the searchbar at * http://www.mercola.com "EFT" & "EFT therapists", or www.tapping.com (13 free videos) or, if still available, the free video for PTSD at www.emofree.com Professional EFT is always preferable. - There is a version for use in public places*, (you could claim to have a headache, as you employ the acupressure massage/tapping your temples, but you would then be restricted to subvocalising: saying it to yourself in your mind: "Even though I suffer the aftereffects of child abuse, I deeply and completely accept myself." ABUSE: See http://www.drdrew.com/ on abuse & http://www.burstingthebubble.com/ & http://www.reachout.com.au/home.asp
Read: Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Ann McMurray and Gregory Jantz, Ph.D., from your bookstore, or Amazon.com.
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 5/18/2010 6:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Jacko333,

thank you for the resources and welcome to the forum.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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