Depression is taking over my life.

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/25/2010 3:17 AM (GMT -6)   
So this is my first time here but I don't know where else to go until Monday, and honestly I don't know if I can make it that long. I really need advice or just someone to talk to and get their opinion on what I should do.

To start off I have had depression for most of my life, ever since my parents got divorced when I was 7, I'm almost 20 now. My depression began getting really bad my Junior year in high school and I began drinking constantly because of it. Eventually I stopped drinking and began becoming happy over the summer. Then Senior year rolled around, I hit an all time low. There would be days where I would be great and then all of a sudden I would start going into depression spells, constantly thinking about  or just ways I could make all the stress and unhappiness go away.

I am now a freshman in college and I do not know what to do with myself. I have met 1 true friend and 1 soul mate, I could never see myself not spending a single day without them. I found out a few weeks ago that my truest friend is moving out of state over the summer and possibly for the next few years. On top of that I have let myself slip from my college courses and I'm now flunking out, only adding onto everything. And then there is my soul mate. He is a male and we spend A LOT of time together, possibly 24 hours in some days. I love this boy more than anything in this world and would bend over backwards for him. I have done SOOOO much for him including paying for his bills so he wouldn't go hungry and homeless. I have spent well over 2k making sure he is happy, and in the long run making me happy, or so I thought. I have become so attached to this boy that it physically causes me pain when he leaves me, it's sad I know.

Lately at work I have only been scheduled less than 6 hours at week, which has me stressed because I only have 20$ to my name and I don't even have enough money to feed myself or put gas in my tank. The other night I found out my manager is purposely not scheduling me and it sent me into a funk. I feel as though I help people so much when it comes to money, food, being a personal taxi, and generally making everyone happy but myself. I broke down that night into hysterics, my guy friend by my side trying to cheer me up. He finally gave up and stormed out taking my car to a friends house. I got angry at myself and decided to punch a wall and ended up hurting myself pretty badly. I then took a walk to the highway and basically all over my town for hours up until 3 AM. This boy had the keys to the apartment and I spent hours in the stairway waiting for our other roommate to show up. I never got a call letting me know that my guy friend wasn't going to show up. I went to sleep only to wake up 2 hours later and him not being there. After that I went to where he last was and we had a huge brawl. Screaming and cussing at each other. That's when I told him I thought about  that night and thought about it right then and there as well. Eventually we got things figured out and I begged him to stay with me until I calmed down in fear that I may harm myself seriously. But he ended up leaving and coming back home a few hours later.

I'm so scared of losing him, he's the only reason I have kept going everyday for the past 7 months. He's recently met another guy and has started ditching me for him. I don't know what I would do if I lost him, I honestly could not live life anymore. I feel like I just want everything to stop. I want all the stress, unhappiness, and anxiety to go away, and I don't know any other way then just taking myself out of the picture. I constantly think about ways I could end things.. I mean constantly. I cannot make myself be alone anymore, it's gives me to much time to think. It's almost as if I have a list I go through, just thinking of ways that I can relieve this pain.

My question is, what do I do? I know I need to seek medical attention, but I don't know if I can last until Monday. Am I over reacting and just stressing myself out on things that my never happen? Or am I just crazy and it's all in my head. I try and tell myself to be happy, but there's this voice in the back of my head that just tells me that I'm a worthless piece of crap. It's like it's telling me I can't be happy, that there is no way for me. I'm not sure if this is totally all of my of my depression's fault or the fact that I can no longer . I feel like I hate myself.

Any Advice would be wonderful.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/25/2010 8:18:50 AM (GMT-6)

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/25/2010 3:50 AM (GMT -6)   
smhair  have you tried praying to god or reading the bible.

Post Edited (lordsheperd) : 4/25/2010 2:59:39 AM (GMT-6)

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/25/2010 3:52 AM (GMT -6)   
i yeah am here to help you if you need it.

Post Edited (lordsheperd) : 4/25/2010 3:00:34 AM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40391
   Posted 4/25/2010 9:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

In the depression resources there are some suicice hotlins and sites that you can go to. I think it is important that you talk to somebody. I am glad that you see your doc on Monday and I hope that you tell them everything that you are going through. There is so much other things than drugs that can make us happy. For whatever reason you quit smoking, I commend you for that. We are not suppose to discuss suicide or drugs on the forum, so I am going to leave it at that. I may edit your post per forum rules, but I hope that you don't take offense to that. It is just my job. Well, it isn't a job, I volunteer. But like I say, I may have to edit your post so please don't take offense to that.

I think it is very important that you start counseling. There is so much support there. It teaches you coping skills, leaning to deal with depression and survive. Also it is a good form of support. I really think that you would benefit from that. Maybe even some antidepressants if the doc sees fit. Keep posting and know that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Old Hippy
Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 4/25/2010 11:03 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello... As one who has had suicidal thoughts for years-- way beyond your age, take it from me--these moods will pass... If you can find a depression support group in your community, please don't hesitate to join one... Just having the support, in person, can ease the intensity of your feelings... The need to please others, hating oneself--it's all a part of the same cycle that leads to self-deprivation in the end... The old cliche--you can't love others if you don''t love yourself is true, and you can save yourself alot of grief down the road--if you embrace its message... You have to take care of the hidden pain that is fueling your depression--bring it out and deal with it. Also; if the meds that you are taking are not working--please advocate for your survival and speak up! Anyway, I have had years to contemplate all this, so just know--that you can make it through in one piece--just give yourself the knowledge and tools to do so... Take Care....

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18553
   Posted 4/27/2010 11:49 PM (GMT -6)   
with professional help, support and understanding your situation will improve. you have begun your journey via posting your situation on this forum. you have been brave by doing this, keep being brave. with healing compassion, jamie.

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