loner, I wish I could beleive that there is a "higher" power out there, but everytime I think my faith is coming back, I get kicked back down.
You see I have chondrosarcoma, (a rare bone cancer) this is my second time around with it, the first time they did surgery and it left me with a hugh scar and divit in my leg, that was in 2005, and I thought that I was on my way to having a some what normal life. Then in 2008 my husband started email these women and telling them he loved them, and by the time I found out about it he was visiting one of them. And again I thought that maybe we were over that hurdle and getting back to our life and marrage.
Well last Sept. I found out that the cancer had come back in the same spot. This time however it is growing faster and is much bigger.
I am going to have radiation treatments and in about 8 weeks surgery, the thing is that the doctors don't know if I will ever walk again after surgery, or if they can save my leg. Ok I thought I can deal with it, I did before, well now I find out that my husband is up to his old tricks again.
Now I have been married for almost 25 years and now I am facing a life on my own in a wheelchair. so where is that higher power.
Kicking me back down again, and this time I don't know if I can pull myself back up. I feel that everyone will be better off with out me. my husband can have his life, my children well they have their lives and as far as my grandchildren go maybe it would be better if they remember me as the person I am, and not someone in a wheel chair.
I am tired of crying all the time, I am tired of everything.
I use to be a positive person, people would say to me I wish I had your stregth, and I don't know if I could deal with all that. well right now I am not that strong person.
I know that I am tired of crying I have been doing it for 2 days now, I guess the closer I get to haveing radiation treatments the worse it gets, I guess its because I know what is going to happen after treatment is over. That is if I even make it through the weekend. I have my 2 year old grandson today and he the sunshine of my life, but even having him here today isn't lifting my spirts I am scared! I have a lot of family (2 sisters 2 brothers, my mom, 3 children, and 4 grandchildren + one on the way, I have 2 of my children getting married next year) so my surport system is big. But it doesn't help when all I want is a hugh hug, their hugs are great but not what I need. And even though I want my husband to hug me and that is what I need the trust is gone and there is no more comfort there. I went to my consiler yesturday so she know my state of mind. I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to live with a family member and I am scared of living on my own, but if you lose trust in your marrage, then there is no marrage. Oh sure he tells me he loves me, but how can you tell your wife you love her and leave for work and 2 min. after you leave you are on the phone telling an other woman you love her, or how about this one, how can he kiss me goodbye and tell me he loves me when I am going to the store, and while I am gone, he is talking to an other woman and telling her he loves her, and he makes up such stories.
I am afraid of going into surgery because I keep thinking what is to stop him from bringing an other woman into my house and maybe my bed. And thats an other thing he says he not interested in sex, (not just with me) he says the disire is gone. But how do I know it's the truth. I don't believe in him any more, The sad thing is I still love him.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…
Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 5/6/2010 9:27:48 AM (GMT-6)