I'm not sure how to get by....

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New Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/23/2010 7:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Solitude seems like the best thing, but when the world comes crushing down on my head, I'm barely even standing, to be left on my own.
See, I'm a very anti-social person, always had and have been. It didn't bother me much at first, till I realized how much I envied friendship, by realizing the silence of my empty apartment. Basically, my mother has abandoned me on my own, my father, which I hate and depise with all my guts is lost in my memory, which I personally cut off contact with him since I was a kid. So, I'm basically a 16 year old living on her own, no mother, no father, but at least my mother is paying for my boarding school to say the very least. So, my life, is a boarding school, and an empty apartment I come home ever weekend to. My realitives are far away, not even living in one city, it's more like "I'm in the North, they are in the South". My grandparents are probably the only two people in the world I would ever love, they support me by sending me some small cash for the weekends.
I'm borderline poor, but it's because of my grandparents I can at least get online on a very old laptop. Basiclly, my life is a silent hell, no relation to family, not even a meger form of having a somewhat normal life. But when I return to boarding school, it gets a lot worse. Everybody in my class thinks I'm stupid, and not even one ounce of compassion is given to me. I've only been in this school for three months at the most, and before that I recieved no education, it was a self-studied homeschooling, to the point my grandparents "suggested" my mom I should be going to school. So, catching up is hard, and some might not believe me on how I write, but it's mainly I found comfort in writing blogs, diaries, and online RPs. The internet is something most amazing, and my best friend, and more over time I find my self attaching to games that are not even fun. Beyond all of this, do you know what is my real problem?
My life is one big stress, I can't consentrate on school, for some part I don't even wish to be at school any more. It's been only last week were when I took my monthly exam I failed miserbly, even when I had absoute fate on my self. You have to get, this school is filled with rich kids with mothers and father pushing them to go to best colleges. How did I get in? It was only because my mom's friend, his daughter also goes to that school. And even when I failed at the entrance exam, the principle made me an experiment, basically taking pity on the "poor girl" showing face to the school. Even then my grandparents had to cash out a lot of money for this school and it doesn't cover one forth of the tuition.
So, a girl as lucky as me should be taking every opprtunity at this school, and basically I was when I first started out. But it's because I was placed in the school when it's middle semster, or maybe it was the lack of education, it was hard to catch up, and when I finally did they already moved on to a new subject. Being slow is not a good thing, especially in front of "geniuses" for they are have access to anything, books, tutors. For me, I'm below failing, and I'm trying my best on my own two feet. It is somewhat my fault to somewhat slack off on some parts, but otherwise I'll be studying to the break of dawn, and missing out on sleep, which only ends up having me sleep in class. Just because I end up dozing off, people look at me as a bad student. It's like I can keep my self awake, just being exuasted from studying. It's probably why I keep getting sick all the time, and even then people have no pity for the sick.
It sooned quickly evolved to where I just sort of gave up, and found comfort in staring into my cellphone 24/7. Not to chat, text, or what not, but to go online and searching suicide stories.
Maybe life would be better if I had a friend in the world, and even that I treat my classmate well, they never notice me, and even I buy them things which money I don't have, they seem to keep a distance, and say bad things behind my back. Do you understand what degree of loneliness where I'm at?
It's to the point where I forgotten my own birthday, on my sweet sixteen. Not even one meger peice of cake to celebrate with, and somehow I wish to be like those spoiled kids on tv. On that day, I was curled up beside my computer, alone, watching a movie. Not even my mom returned a call to say happy birthday. It was only may grandparents who sent me a card till I realized I was 16. A cruel kind of satire, for I've been kind of used to it. Same with my 13th, 14th, and 15th birthday all had been passed withnot a single person to share with.
Everything from feelings of abandoment, loniness, and stupidity is weighing on neck, where it's to the point it seems pointless to live. Because the world is cruel, cold, not even one inch of compassion is given where I can breathe.
There is two ways to go, die or fight.
I wish to fight, I wish to go on, I wish to prove everybody wrong and tell the world I matter. But all I see myself is loosing at the end, because I have no strength, no will, no hope to keep going on. Where I surcome to this, a last chance of hope. Because I know there is a way through all of this, and people have it much worse then I....
It's just I'm lost, and cold.
I have nothing to loose if I pass away, maybe all but my diginity. Maybe it's because I wish to keep my diginity, my hate for all others, I still live just trying to prove a point.
More or less, I'm coming close to my road's end. I don't know how to ask for help, but I want to find a way out of misery.
I just want to find hope.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40402
   Posted 5/23/2010 8:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Bleedingsilence,

It seems like you are all alone to fight the world. And you are putting up a good fight. Don't ever give up. You can do this.

I am sorry that you were sent off to boarding school. But you are right, you need to take advantage of the situation. Study hard. You said yourself that you were slacking off. So don't do that anymore. Prove to these people that you can and will make it. And I know that you can.

I am so sorry about your birthday. It makes us sad to not be recognized. Especailly by our mothers. But you are fortunate to have such wonderful grandparents. And I am happy for that. If it weren't for my grandparents, who adopted me, I don't know what kind of a life I would have had.

So please keep trying. Don't give up hope. You sound like an intelligent person and I know that you will make it. Keep on keeping on. And don't let anything stop you. Know that you aren't alone anymore, you have us. This forum is kind of slow on the weekends, but busy during the week. So if you don't get a lot of responses, that is why.

I hope that you have a better day today. Know that somebody is thinking about you. Me...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 5/24/2010 12:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey BleedingSilence

Me too, I'm thinking of you and sending huge hugs and kisses to you for your birthday.

I don't know why parents give up on their kids like this, but how lucky are you to have grandparents like you have? They sound like they love you so much and you love them back, I can tell. So for both your sakes, don't give up on the world, like you said you want to prove to the world that you do matter and that you do my girl.

Don't waste your time on the kids in your class, like you said they are from rich families and probably think they are up there. That's okay, let them think that way but you are up there too, believe that, is there anyone you can speak to at your school who would be able to perhaps help you with some tutoring and counselling?

The other thing I wondered, is why don't you live with your grandparents and go to school near them? Is that at all possible? That would surely help both you and them.

Please let us know how you are going, and believe me when I say that we really do care about you, don't ever think you are stupid because you're not. I will include you in my prayers tonight sweetheart and post again soon.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 5/24/2010 4:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Bleedingslience, what everyone has suggested so far has been great. I can say that I feel for you especially on a few subjects, the constant solitude, trying to convince oneself that you don't need friends...and then realizing the truth, and finding yourself escaping reality in online games.

I am 24 and I have been an "outsider" of some sort for my entire life. I have thought in the past that having what most people do might make me happy....but then I realize the kind of friends they have. I have been lucky enough to have a few really good friends, but have never ended up with the "half friends" or questionable people that most people surround themselves with. It does get lonely, but the quality of person matters so much more than the quantity you can claim. Try to find even one or two glinting diamonds in the rough rather than just picking up every stone that has a shiny fleck. I am also a victim of quite a few mmorpgs. I started with UO, then EQ, DAoC, WoW, and lastly Warhammer Online. There is a definite draw to them when you are not enjoying your every day life. Due to my extreme introverted nature and a general lack of relation to many people, mmorpgs were where I could talk, be myself, enjoy myself. It gives you the ability to forget for a while about all that troubles you and just concentrate on this fantastical escape. My solitude was helped by the couple good friends I had found, and in doing that I realized that I did not want most peoples version of friends, I only wanted true friends. Hehe and the mmorpgs, if you really have nothing else you need to be doing it is ok, but I had gotten to the point where I would choose it over social occasions when I was younger. I look back at that now and im just wondering how I could have thought that way. I have been working with myself to strengthen my weak points, and the fact that you are able to at least identify them means that you are more than half way to fixing them. Finding the real question or problem is the majority of coming to any conclusion or realization. :) And trust me a little with this one, you are smart. The public school system is a joke, you were simply struggling from the change of pace and routine. Once anyone is behind a week in school work it is darn near impossible to totally catch up, so don't feel bad about that, it was just due to the mid year switch. I hope to see more posts from you and that you start to make the progression that I can see you have the potential to do. I will gladly keep reading and replying, I only hope that I help a little. God bless you, and have faith, you are never alone...Jesus Christ is always there with you and for you. Say a prayer for help, strength, correct decision making, direction. You'd be surprised how much you might see ;)


Post Edited (-Misunderstood-) : 5/26/2010 4:19:49 AM (GMT-6)

New Member

Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/25/2010 5:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi every body!!

Stress and depression are all the common things chasing our lives...
so don't give too much importance to those devils.. don't make it to control your mind..

Drug Rehab

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/5/2010 2:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi bleedsilence..
As shuvvykins said we would like to hear from you dear!!
Hope you are fine?

Drug Rehab Program

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40402
   Posted 7/5/2010 12:52 PM (GMT -6)   

Welcome to the depression forum. If you would like to, please post an introductory thread about yourself. Know that we are all here to support eachother and you have joined a wonderful site.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

horse crazy
Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 7/5/2010 1:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Ditto what others said. Please don't give up hope...even if you can find a glimmer of hope, hang onto and let it grow. It is hard to be an introvert, but that is part of you that you need to accept. I have rarely heard of an introvert becoming a social butterfly extrovert. It is just part of you. Please seek out a therapist...you need to talk to someone non-judgemental that can help you thru this. Plus I think you have a lot of issues surrounding your parents that need to be dealt with. Don't let the other girls get to you. It sounds like you have become a scapegoat and the more they see they can get to you, the worse it will get. Remind yourself that girls this age can be extremely mean at times and it has nothing to do with who you really are. You sound so lonely and I wish I could fix that for you. Please take the high road. Do not let depression make your decisions I like everyone else on this board is worried about you...we care...and will do everything in our power to help you thru this. Please take care and keep posting to let us know you are OK.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polar I; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 7/5/2010 2:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi bleedingsilence,
Firstly wish you a happy 16th birthday.... I'm somewhere close to your age and hence firstly would like to tell you that you have taken the right step to come here. Everyone here is very friendly and they help you. I can say this for sure that you want one friend in the world but now you will have quite a few.
I really feel for you. It must be very very hard for you,but I would say one thing you are already way stronger and way richer than your classmates caz at the age where you are you are living a hard life and learning things on your own. Unlike them you are not in a cocoon. When you will be older the things you learnt would help you.
Gran parents are always the sweetest they love you unconditionally. I'm glad you have their support and you should have I'm sure realised that you too are their support. They need you to. So whenever people start hurting you remember that you have to survive it for your grandparents they are supporting you with whatever they can in their old age.
I can't really advice you as I'm not much older but I can just say that you are a strong and courageous person.
You could start with making a schedule for yourself,divide your time for work and studies and sleep.
If you need any help in any way feel free to mail me.
I'm really worried about you. Hope to see your post soon.
Keep faith....

And know that you are not alone.

“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”


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