Can Depression be this bad?

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reasonsunknown
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/25/2010 10:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I know this story makes me sound like absolute slime but I am honestly wondering if it is because I have been so depressed so long that I have made such poor choices. I'm not sure where to start because I have been depressed since I was a child. I grew up in a house with parents who favoured my brother (not kidding I got a t-shirt and he got a snowmobile for christmas one year). I have always fallen short of expectations that I set and others set for me. Deep down in I am a shallow person who cares a lot about appearances. I have suffered from eating disorders as early as age 10. I have a mess of dating relationships. My highschool sweetheart I cheated on with his best friend nearly every week all the way through highschool. I blamed him for not wanting to be with me sexually. The next dating relationship was extreamly abusive all sexually, physically, and emotionally. He was my boss and yes I was just 18. That lasted for 2 years before he went to jail for theft. Once that was over I met up with my "buddy" from highschool and again joined in a causual relationship. He introduced me to his new best friend and that is the man I married. during the time we were dating there were several times that I cheated with my "buddy" while he watched. There was one week after he proposed that I slept with another guy friend of mine and we broke the condom. I found out I was pregnant about a month later. I had no idea if it was the other guy or the guy I was dating. As time went on I got really sick and had to give the baby up in what the doctors called an assisted miscarriage. This was at 6 months. As you can imagine this helped my existing depression grow even deeper and darker. I have tried every medication out there since then and nothing seems to work. I have been in counciling and nothing seems to get better. It was not long after losing the baby that the wedding planning started. My soon to be sister-in-law got married, than we got married. Shortly after getting married we stopped sleeping together both sexually and stopped sleeping in the same room. He snored so loud that I could not sleep. He also very quickly added about 80 lbs to his middle. My sister-in-law got pregnant and called me daily to tell me how sick she was. When she was about 6 months my husband and I made the decision to move to a different city further from his family. It was the weekend that we moved that my husbands father (the only member of my husbands family that actually liked me) passed away. This again took a toll on everyone. Things got better for everyone else when my sister-in-law had her baby and I could do nothing but cry that life was not fair. I held a good front, but it was weeks before I could even hold my niece. Time went on I lost my job due to a non-documented leave of absence. I took it hoping that I could get documentation from my doctor that I was depressed and needed time but she didn't think I was too bad off to not work. about a year after I lost my job my husband convinced me to have a child with him. I was not ready and I was not able to support myself if anything should happen but I got pregnant right away. about 4 months in he changed to a higher position at work and started talking about this "great" girl. He would come home from work and talk about her with a huge smile on his face. I was put on bed rest at Christmas time and that is when he started to go out to the movies and over to her house for a night of trivia. I wanted to confront him BUT I was just happy that he was happy. After all I was as big as a blimp and so sick I could only eat pickles and drink water. My sons birth was supost to be natural. My water broke at home, my husband came home from work picked me off the floor, drove me to the hospital where they discovered that I was fully diaolated and he was decending. The problem was he was ass first. They were holding him in, screaming at me not to push, shoving me full of needles, and within a short period of time delivered him by c-section. He was a month early, we had nothing in the house, and I couldn't hold or see him until he was 3 hours old. Again... This helped my depression... Things got worse after my son was born. My husband stopped helping me in the night within a week (as soon as I could get up on my own) and moved his room to the basement for a good night sleep because he had to work. He spent a lot of time hanging out with the girl friend from work leaving me home alone with a newborn. Again at this time he added more weight and became extreamly unattractive to me. I decided that I didn't like being reliant on him finacially and applied to teachers college. My parents told me to stay home and be a good parent and wife, my husband told me to do what I wanted. When the exceptance came in came the more upseting finacial issues. We bought a house because it was cheaper than renting. He continued with his friend from work, I came to the conclusion that they were an item. Again wanting to talk to him but I didn't even know who he was anymore. The one thing we shared in common before we were married disapeared from his life with his father. The relationship with his family became non existant for me as they told me that I was not a good mother, I was a terrible wife, and believe it or not I was actually told to drop dead. So I cried and started talking to some friends of mine who all live roughly 3 hr drive away. I got a lot of support emotionally and slowly fell in love with the friend who may have been the father to my first child. We talked over MSN, than over the phone, than over skype. One thing lead to another and before long I was visiting him every time I was in the area. We were having an emotional and physical relationship. He wanted me to leave my husband. He didn't understand that my son complicated things a great deal. In the end of that relationship was him finding another woman. Our one last time felt cold and flat. Than I met someone else through an online dating service. He was accomplished and smart. We had lots in common including that we both have a child. I started seeing him, and things clicked within hours of meeting face to face. Within 20 minutes we were back at his place cuddling watching back to the future. He was/is so easy to be around. The folling weekend I went and stayed the night. I got to meet his daughter who is just like her father. He and I ended up with an emotional, physical relationship. When I got home from the weekend I walked into a house of hell. My husband had accessed my email and messaging accounts. He was livid. He said there is nothing going on between him and his friend from work, they are just friends. He asked me to leave. Now I sit here just over 24 hours later, still in the house because I am not leaving my son, I have no job, no income, and my family is no support. Tonight it occured to me that maybe it is not me to blame but my depressed state. There are a lot of details missing from this story BUT I think I encluded most of the important ones. So what do you think? Do you think that depression can cause someone to seak attention and acceptance somewhere else? OR is this really just saying that I am a bad person? Please respond I know it is long. Ask questions for clarification if you need to.

~Reasons Unknown

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 5/26/2010 12:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Reasonsunknown

Wow that is some story! You have come to a great site here, we are all suffering depression for different reasons and we try to help each other along the way. So welcome.

I think first of all you need to get back to your doctor and also to a counsellor. Regardless of what you have tried, there are new meds all the time so your doctor will help you there. It sounds to me like you and your husband have only been together because of your son, how do you think this is affecting him, he may only be young but children feel it believe me.

I don't think you are a bad person, probably misled and perhaps used. But you do have to take responsbility for your actions, we all do. I wouldn't worry about your husband's family for the time being. Are you still seeing the guy you clicked with? Is there any future with him? Is your husband going to let your son live with you if you live with the other guy? Can you get a job? These are the things that you need to ask yourself and sort out.

However it turns out, it doesn't sound like your husband is going to allow you to stay in the house. I would have been suspicious of his relationship with the girl from work, especially if you were pregnant and he was going to her place to play trivia etc etc.

I hope what I have said will make you ask yourself some questions, I hope I have helped a little. Please keep posting and let us know how you are going.
Harrington49


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 5/26/2010 5:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Reasonsunknown,

Harrington gave you some wonderful advice. I think you need to sit down and get your priorities straight. Forget everybody else (except the baby) and see what is most important for you and the baby.

It seems you are grasping at straws. Looking for help in others where you will find it in yourself. That is normal for depression, we all want some support from outside sources. To verify ourselves. You truly are a good person, maybe you have made some not so good choices in the past, but you are deep down good inside.

Find what you want for you and the baby. Then go from there. One step at a time, one day at a time. You can do this and we will be here to support you.

Take care, Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


reasonsunknown
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/26/2010 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Checking in today...

So my husband and I sat and talked with a communication ball. This is a trick I learned while I was in counseling before. I used my "I" statements and got no where fast. He is still hanging out with the woman from work. Going on three years next month... BUT nothing is happening according to him. I remember so clearly when he first told me about her... "She is intellegent, fun, and pretty too (chuckle). She invited me over to play trivia. It will be nice to have someone to play trivia with and not just lose playing scrabble everynight." You know the next time we played scrabble I let him win by not using my tiles to their full potential.

Anyways... I had to call my friend and tell him that I can't see him anymore. He asked if we could be friends because we have so much in common. I had to say no because my husband will not have any male near his wife until things get cleared up and trust comes back. It hurts because I really liked him and his daughter. It was nice because our kids were close in age, and they could have played together. I don't know if he and I could have a serious realationship there was not enough time to find out.

My husband says if I want counseling he is going to go with me. Something about he can not trust me to be honest and open with him or her. My response was that I have nothing left to lose. I mean his intentions are to kick me out, seperate me from my son based on my not being stable (Which I don't think he can do but I guess I will find out), and all this while I have no job.

Job... speaking of job. The problem I have is I am over qualified and under experienced. I have a BA and a B Ed. I have been looking for work for over a year. I volunteer a lot of my time so that I can continue to network. This makes my husband mad because it puts our son in daycare. Given the situation I think he needs daycare because he needs something stable and positive with routine in his life. After all he is only 2!

I have been calling the doctor to get an appointment for 2 weeks now. My son needs allergy testing done. No one calls back and when I go to the office I am told that I have to call in to make an appointment. ARG!

~Reasons Unknown

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 5/26/2010 2:27 PM (GMT -7)   
When your husband plays trivia with this woman, do you go along with him? Or is it just the two of them? It is not fair that you can't have male friends, when he has female friends. It sounds like you are letting him dictate your life. That is not the way to live. You should be able to make choices.

It seems like he has put a label on you of distrust. Don't let him do that. He should trust you no matter what.

I hope that you do go to a counselor and let him go. I think he will be in for a big surprise. Be open and honest and get all of your feelings and thoughts out there.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/26/2010 6:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I have a different past then you, but I can relate to never being able to be with just one person. It works for awhile then you start needing something else that you can't explain. You start to seek it out in others. These relationships are failed attempts to fill an unknown void within yourself. (sound familiar at all?)
Your husbands a jerk. I know you may feel like you can't judge him because you haven't been an angel yourself. Been there done that. You still DESERVE to be treated with respect, to be loved, to be happy. Sometimes it's hard to feel like that's something we can achieve on our own. But have faith you are stronger than you think. Your child needs you to do what's best for him and to do that you must first do what's best for you.
I don't know that anything I've said will help or make sense but I hope it does. You are not alone.
Faith... is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD
meds: pristq, lamotrigine, ambien cr, Xanax


reasonsunknown
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/26/2010 10:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for posting so quickly :) Lets me know that I am not in this without support which is a huge thing for me right now as you can guess.

"Trivia nights" as they are so frequently called are kid free. With my husband coming home drunk and disorderly after these nights (comes home between 2 and 5 am) I am happier staying home with my son than leaving him with a sitter while I watch my husband get drunk. He would get drunk if I was there or not. The most recent thing is for me to drive him to her house and drop him off. I guess this ensures he has no excuse to not get a cab, and it also ensures he is not tempted to drive drunk (I use to think he would never but now I feel like I don't know him).

I am still considering the counseling. I am just not comfortable talking about my personal feelings and viewpoints with him in the room to laugh, deny, or become defensive every time I speak. Again I would like to think he would not do that BUT I am not sure anymore.

Not2L8,
the constant searching does sound familiar. One of my biggest fears is ending up alone and unhappy. Currently I am headed on that path. My husband made sure of that by taking my new friend and his daughter out of the picture. The problem I am having right now is that I don't know what is best for my son and I! I don't know what makes me happy anymore...

~Reasons Unknown

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 5/27/2010 11:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Reason

Just on your job prospects, it sounds to me like you were studying to be a teacher, is that correct? If that is so, why don't you try for some casual teaching to start with so that your little boy is only in daycare a couple of times a week seeing he is only 2. I am sure there are jobs for casual teachers, it sounds like you are in Australia is that right? Just a thought anyway.

I wouldn't let him tell me I couldn't have male friends either especially considering the trivia friend. Let him go to counselling with you and tell the counsellor if you are uncomfortable with him in the room while discussing something, she will make him leave. I think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more and I also think that deep down you love your husband and are hoping things will go back to how they were, is that right? It might be time to move on though, you only sound young.

Remember we are all here to help if we can.
Harrington49


reasonsunknown
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/1/2010 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Just checking in again... Nothing has really changed. There is still a huge double standard in the house. He is out and about different nights but I have been told if I leave I am not allowed to come back. I don't know what is being said about me at his place of business BUT I have a friend of mine call me yesterday to ask me if I had been sleeping around on my husband, and if I am accusing him of beating our son. I'm glad she talked to me about it. I am upset that one of the largest employers in the city has a rumor about me when I am attempting to work with children. Clearly my choice for employment will have to be out of town... Which will make a whole new set of problems. I have spent the last 2 days working in my gardens and painting. Trying to keep myself busy and at home. I am tired, bored, and lonely.

I have done a lot of thinking... I don't know what I want. I have a fear of being alone that I think I have to deal with before deciding if I want to work things out with my husband. If I was asked to make the decision today I would choose to separate because of the way he has been treating me. Like all women I am scared and financially unstable so I don't think I can do it on my own. I don't really want to look at starting over at my age, I know most people believe I am still young (I guess 28 is young) but life has taken a toll and I sometimes feel older than I actually am. For example my son refused to settle anywhere last night other than the couch. I tried to move him after he had been sleeping for a while a few times and all hell broke loose. So... I slept on the hardwood floor beside him to keep him safe. Oh and he didn't sleep before 1 am, this is becoming a regular thing. I would leave him in his room to cry except he hurts himself. Again... I love my son but he is making my body hurt and not allowing me enough sleep.

As for the job. It is very hard to get on a casual list. I know that as a teacher here it can take up to 3 years to get on the casual list and another 5 years to get your own classroom. In the mean time I am volunteering as much as I can. Lately I have not been allowed to leave the house for any reason without my husband so I am out of sight, this is not a good thing.

I spoke with the other guy last night for a while. My husband listened in the whole time so not a lot was accomplished, just that we would like to stay friends. I am hoping that I can talk to him again before long without my husband around. There are some things I want to talk to him about. Oh well... I guess time will tell...

That's all from here. Thank you for reading :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 6/1/2010 8:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Reasonunknown,

There are a lot of state programs that help seperated mothers. You are a lot stronger than you think and I think you could make it on your own with your son if you would accept help from the state. At least until you get a job and can support the two of you. You don't have to live like this, I would call around and see what is out there for you. Be careful with this other guy so it doesn't look like there is anything going on, he would probably use that against you in a custody battle.

I wish you the best. I do think you are much stronger than you think you are. You will get a job soon I am sure. But in the meantime see what there is to offer from the state and other programs.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


lost1987
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/1/2010 4:55 PM (GMT -7)   
hello reasonsunknown,

I'm sorry that you're feeling down. I hope that good things come in the near future to you and to your son.

I would recommend that you take some time off before going into another relationship. You have a son now, dedicate most of your time to him and the right man will come later on. Try attending church and join groups that help other people, even though you're the one who also needs help, helping others makes you feel good. This worked for me a lot. So, yea don't hesitate, everybody has ups and downs in their life, but we have to stand up every time we fall

dont give up!

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18773
   Posted 6/1/2010 11:32 PM (GMT -7)   
AGREE WITH LOST1987, DON'T GIVE UP!! HERE FOR YOU. JAMIE.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

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