Adult son depressed over underage girlfriend

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NikeGirl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/3/2010 6:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello. This is my first time here and this could be lengthy so please bear with me.
 
My son has been seeing a girl from his high school for about 7 months. He just turned 18 & graduated high school and she just turned 15. We really didn't think anything of the age difference at first.
Everything was fine until a couple of months ago when her mother decided she could no longer see him because he was too old (17 at the time) and he couldn't go to the Prom with her, (She already had her dress in layaway). The kids were both depressed about this, after all this was his senior prom that he missed. Her mother really liked our son and wasn't a problem months ago.
 
This woman has 4 kids with at least 3 different fathers. Her daughter being 15 and the other kids are around 5 yrs old and younger. She is IMPOSSIBLE! We believe she is trying to control her daughter so she has someone to clean her house and take care of the younger kids while she goes out and drinks and possibly does drugs. She has admitted to her daughter that she has a problem and needs to be in detox.
 
She has called the police on my son at least once (when he was still 17) and saying she wants him out of her daughter's life and if he comes near her she will have him arrested because he will be (and now is) 18..an adult.
 
He is a good kid, doesn't smoke and has no desire to drink or do drugs. We truely believe this. He has a possible future with a local college and they've offered him scholarships.
His real problem is his anger management. He can reach a point of total anger where he wants to hit the walls etc although he keeps it under control pretty well considering.
One thing to point out is he says the are not sexual active...he realizes the danger/possiblity of going to jail for this because of his age.
They do see each other occassionally due to activities for school etc but not like it was before her mother butted in. They secretly talk and text & facebook etc.
They have also recently been argueing as typical teenagers do, saying she lied about this or he lied about that...mostly thinking they each like someone else.
 
Last night my son said he was going for a walk. I went to bed and this morning had a missed call and text from her mother. The call said that my son was depressed and wanted to kill himself and that I should find him and help him etc. The text said "I hope you know that my daughter is not allowed to be in your house after curfew with an adult!!!"
 
My son rarely shows signs of this type of depression as he has so much going for him involving college/sport that he loves and means the world to him. I do believe in my mind that he was probably meeting up with her to discuss/argue whatever problems they've been fighting about. I usually let him work out his own issues first then talk if he needs it.
He is pretty good about telling me what's been going on.
 
First of all I think this woman needs to worry about her own problems,,,detox etc before she butts in on my son's needs. After all, if it weren't for her butting in in the first place they may have been fine.
Secondly, I have already told her daughter we cannot take any chances on her being at our home for my son's sake and future. We love her dearly but must think of his future.
She was NOT at our home last night!
There were a few occassions when her daughter showed up at our home crying because she ran away from home...her mother has hit & kicked her on several occassions. The police have already been called to their home..someone also called child services (not us although if I am witness to it I will call also).
This girl's grandmother has let her come over our house when her own daughter was away from home. She likes my son. Her grandmother is younger than I am (about 51). They both married very young and had their kids young.
I believe this woman has a serious problem. However she can make serious problems for my son and his future as well as us.
We have lived in this community over 23 years and are law abiding citizens with no drugs or alcohol. She's moved from town to town and been here about 3 years.
 
How do we handle this issue? How can we tell our son that he should probably stay away from this girl without him getting too depressed or angry with us?
 
 
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40580
   Posted 6/3/2010 9:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there and welcome to the forum. I think it is best for your son's future to stay away from her. She is underage. I know that he will get depressed and upset about it, but he needs to worry about his future if he wants any future with her when she is of age.

I wouldn't get involved with their family problems. You have enough to deal with with out that added to it. Your son is young, and probably wont understand what is going on, but you have to get it through his head that they can have a future together, just right now they have to be cool about it. I would abide by the mother's rules for now. She does have a point. He is 18 she is 15. And chances are this is just more like a puppy love right now. though it could become a lasting relationship in the future. Be cafeful. Tell your son to be careful.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


NikeGirl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/3/2010 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Karen. These were pretty much my thoughts too.
This woman just frustrates the heck out of me. So I've been biting my tongue but when my son does nothing wrong and she threatens us what can we do?

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/3/2010 11:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Nikegirl

I agree with Karen, I think your son needs to stay away from this girl for now because he has so much at risk with his college scholarships etc, you don't want that taken away from him. But try not to fight with him, just remind him of what is at stake. He can see her casually around town etc, but just tell him he will regret it if he keeps meeting up with her. Her mother does sound like trouble though especially if she's off her face half the time and needs to be in detox.

Will he be away at college or nearby? If he was going away that would solve the problem for a while, at least until she is 18.

I hope it works out for your son, he sounds like a nice boy and you have bought him up well. Let us know how it turns out.
Harrington49


NikeGirl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/5/2010 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
It's a local college and he'll be commuting. I think in the long run this relationship will come to an end. But I hope it does before something bad happens or her mother pulls a stupid stunt.
Fortunately he keeps himself busy with his bowling, which he absolutely lives for and is part of his scholarship.
I'm also trying to convince him to get more work hours, since he needs the money anyway. That too will help keep him busy.
Thank you for all your wonderful advice and praise. I will update when anything new occurs.
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40580
   Posted 6/5/2010 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Nikegirl for the post. I am glad that your son is keeping busy. You never know about these relationships. They could last for years or be over in weeks.

I just don't want to see your son jeopardize anything over this girl. Her mother sounds pretty hard to deal with. But she is probably just trying to protect her because she is so young.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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