mixed emotions

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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/5/2010 7:46 PM (GMT -6)   
I am new on this forum..My emtotions are torn up because of what has happened/what I have done. Last year after a hysterectomy, I went into a very deep "depression;" I didn't eat much, didn't go out, didn't pay bills, didn't wash..lost 45 pounds..stopped takingmmedication. After 6 weeks of this I got up one day and told my mother (we live together) that I HAD to. The whole thing makes me sick to think about. I left with that intention, but could not do it..I'm not sure why.My mother said she was glad I hadn't done it... Two weeks later,. Now I have severe organ damage. Looking back, there was NOTHING subtle or at all 'typical" for me in that terrible blackness..I was depressed and withdrawn, yet at the time I could not even see it, and I don't think I was even aware of the fact that I was depressed or that  was not something I should be thinking of. I was far gone and detached from myself. I don't think I had much self awareness...
I have found out that I am bipolar and was misdiagnosed with only PTSD..I feel enormous guilt for what I have done. I come from a family where "issues" aren't well tolerated--never have been. I am aware that my mother was aware of my, and that she and my sister actually discussed it
with each other. My sister says she became frustrated because I would not help myself. My mother said she just didn't think I'd actually go through with it. I feel guilty, yet also I feel hurt because it seems as if when I became  my family gave up on me. I am sure I did not or would not have believed it back then, but of course I know it now. Am I wrong to feel  that my family could have tried to intervene? Is it selfish? I realize that if I had not survived the  at least temporarily, I would not be able to look back and wish that someone could have helped me.  I read so much about the selfishness of persons who ...I honestly did not do this in selfishness--I had NO thoughts except darkness--and if asked I probably would have said that my family would not miss me. Now I know that this was the depression...Yet I am confused by the relative "indifference" of my family...It seems almost as if they just left it up to fate. Believe me I KNOW that the is my own fault and no one else's..I am an adult and responsible for my own actions regardless of my mind state. I think I am just sad to
look back and see that there was time and opportunity to at least TRY to help...I was quite literally almost a zombie for a month--going from 125 to 85 pounds bythe time of the . I am so sorry to go on for so long...I just feel horrible for doing this to my family and to myself--and I am troubled by my own feelings--did I even DESERVE to have anyone try to help me?  I have trouble accepting that my mother could have watched that and not at least tried to intervene somehow---yet I know that I am an adult. Maybe I just WISH that someone had seen my situation as an illness and not a character flaw/weakness. I've had depression before but it was never like this...I hope that someone will give me an opinion...
 Thank you for letting me "vent" a bit..I truly feel as if I have "lost" my self --no one feels the same about me, and I don't feel the same about myself...yet I just keep going..I feel badly, and quite ashamed that I have brought this onto my family and myself, and that I needed help to get help--if I ccould not help myself, I would not get help, and that's exactly what occurred.....
I hope that someone will give me an honest opinion..believe me I
will take whatever criticism/comment you may have..I just need feedback and I know it's difficult..It's been a tough year.... Thanks...
I am sorry but we are not allowed to discuss suicide on this forum.  Thanks for your understanding.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/5/2010 8:31:20 PM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/5/2010 9:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nanda

Wow you are really down on yourself my girl. You were obviously at a different place when all this occurred, you have realised that and are trying to help yourself. Are you under any professional care? Are you taking medication now? If you have answered no to either or both of these questions then I suggest you see your doctor and get a referral to someone who can help you immediately.

Don't punish yourself over what your family may or may not think of you, you are a good person and you know you made a mistake but you are trying your hardest now to pull yourself up and be that loving daughter and sister you always were, you just lost your way a little there. Also don't dwell on the non intervention by your mother, it sounds like she was probably lost at the time also.

Look ahead to better days, there are many coming for you. You are amongst friends here on this site, we will help you as much as we can but we aren't trained professionsals and I really think that is what you need right now. Keep posting Nanda as we all care about you.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40395
   Posted 6/5/2010 9:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nanda,

I agree wholeheartedly with Harrington. You were in a bad place at that time, but now it is a new day and it is good to leave the past in the past and get on with our life that is so prescious to us.

Please remember we are not to discuss suicide on this forum, I am sorry that I had to edit your post, but it is against the rules that the administrator made.

Know that we can be of support for you. But it is crucial that you see a professional for extra support and direction.

I hope that you can put all of this behind you and get on with your life. Life is short as it is, try to let your mother and sister love you and try to understand that if you didn't know where your mind was at, they probably didn't either.

I hope that you are feeling better now and that things are going good for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18556
   Posted 6/7/2010 6:54 AM (GMT -6)   
healings to you. i have been down your road. same things. i went down this road 2 far at times. i am a mess at the moment, albeit i always reflect by saying to myself that there is always someone doing it harder than me. hey, hang in. you are a precious human being of this earth with gifts and talents unique to only you. it DOES get better. for me it is about management, i dislike using the term suffering, yes i am, but even in the chaos i still try like heck to manage it!! mental illness sucks!! diabetes sucks, lymphodaema sucks, nuropathy sucks, my cholesterol and lipids suck, my back sucks as does insomnia suck. life can be difficult, some days are good to bareable, some are a right off. keep busy, keep seeking good help from good people. journelling is good, getting out is good as well. know that we are here for you, and know that with help you will get better. with compassion, jamie.
you have been brave and straight up with sharing your post, i admire and respect this. you are stronger than you know!! big hugs.

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