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nessynoo
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/7/2010 3:22 AM (GMT -7)   
hi everyone
, im new here so excuse any mistakes i should make, im hoping for some advice, my son is 19yrs old, and suffers from deppression. about 2 yrs ago he got very low, & i took him to see gp. they put him on anti depression tabs, after about 6 months he wasnt much better so gp was giving him sleeping tabs, & stronger stuff to help him, we were very supportive, made ourselfs available if he wanted any thing & just genrally made sure he knew we were there for him. he suddenly took a overdose, he hadnt taken any of him tablets he had stored them & took the lot. it was a tough time, we came through it & with the help of the home treatment team we turned a corner things got better.
 now the deppression is back again, he had his bday last monday, & we would normally have been on hoilday but this year were going in september. his dad had to go to work late in the afternoon , so i suggested we go out for the day, he didnt want to do anything, so i didnt push, i took him to choose what cake he wanted & asked what meal he would like for his dinner. he chose his cake & didnt know what he wanted to eat.
i suggested we have a takeaway.
at 6.30 that evening he wanted us all to go out to a resturant for a meal, his brother had gone to play with friends, so i said we couldnt just go because his brother was out & wouldnt be able to get in . i cant just leave him stranded, this didnt go down well.
we settled for a chinease & said we could all go out together the following day.
he put on face book that he had the worst bday ever, & all we had done was argue, i asked him about it & he said thats the way i feal.
we hadnt argued no cross words were said so i was baffled, i exsplained about the meal again, & left it at my appologising for not having a good bday.
for 2 days running he came home at 4-5am went to bed, then got up at 12-1pm, & went straight back out without even speaking.
i phoned him a couple of times he wouldnt answer the phone so i texted, asking him to come home & lets sort things out.
he did, but when i asked what was wrong he said nuffing im fine, im not miffed with you i just been out enjoying myself, i left it at that, & just asked he let us know hes ok, & tell us he was going out .
we had a knock at the door early hours of sunday morning, it was my nephew, he told us my son had been cutting his wrists, he was home, so i spoke to him about it & asked why, he said because we had been arguing & he felt low.
i asked him if he would like to speak to the home treatment team again, he couldnt decide so i suggested he thought about it & let me know when he makes a decision. he came & asked me to speak to them, i did & we had a emergency appointment last night.
he spoke to them alone, which is fine , i was asked to join them, they decided he needs to go back on meds again, & they will follow things up, also, some understanding & support from home would be a good idea, i was shocked, so shocked i didnt ask what should i be doing i just nodded & aggreed .
hes blocked all the family off face book, but friends have told me what hes putting on there, hes said i dragged him to doctors & i was making him go into hospital, but he refused. he also put that he took a overdose at the start of last week aswell as cutting his wrists.  all ive done is shout at him & cause arguments & how he hates me. this is untrue, from what the doc said i belive he may have said the same to them,i havent told him i know what hes put on there, i dont know what to do, he comes & goes as he pleases , there arnt any rules for him other than we know hes safe & well, & he cleans his room occasionally. hes 19 i cant tell him what to do anymore . ive tryed to talk to him ask whats wrong, ive been understanding & patient, yet he writes these lies, im sure it just the deppression, but what should i be doing? how can i help him? . a close friend thinks hes attention seeking do you think shes wright ?. im at a loss, if he really feals im not helping do i leave him alone to get on with it himself ? . im so worried, i dont want him to feal i dont care but dont want to keep asking whats wrong & is he ok .   any help or advice would be much appresiated xxx

nessynoo
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/7/2010 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
hi siobhan,
thank you for your reply, at the moment hes refusing councelling, but hopefully once hes fealing the effects of his meds he will feal more able to open up & talk. he doesnt want to talk to me at the moment, so i dont want to push it, if the moment is there and i can safely bring it up i will do.
I do have some understanding of what hes going though as i suffered from deppression myself, but i never self harmed or tryed to take my life.
its difficult to balance being supportive & there for him, without ****hering him.
i have asked him whats making him feal so low, whats making him unhappy, he says he doesnt know , he just feals like it. ive asked what can i do to help, he says nuffing. i think hes just too low at the moment to deal with it.
your right it does hurt , hes pushed me away, but im here, wheather he like it or not, im not going any where, as for the lies,....... it hurts because ive tryed to support him the best i can, no decisions were made for him, i respect hes a grown adult. im not a nagging mum, i try to be as chilled out as i can, i do loose it on occasions, but never more than my raising my voice.
but not at the moment that would be last last thing he needs !!.
i hope you get all the help & support you need, its not easy for us mums we dont like seeing our babys hurting x.
take care, i wish you love & support
ness xxxx

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/7/2010 7:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nessynu,

I wanted to welcome you to the HealingWell Depression forum. I am glad that you got some good advice from Siobhan. She seems to understand so much.

I do believe that there is a little attention seeking going on here, but I also believe that there are some problems that need to be addressed. I wish that you could get him into counseling. It helps so much.

I hope that things get better for you and your son. I think that they will. He is just at that difficult age where we are full of many questions even about our own existance. Be patient, but watch for the warning signs. Keep posting as I believe that it helps to have somebody to talk to.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


nessynoo
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/7/2010 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
thankyou both for the replys,
can i ask you karen, which things need to be addressed ?, i need guidance here, i dont know were to start with him. leaving him alone seems to send the message in not bothered & i dont care, but i dont want to keep on at him, because thats not going to help. im praying he will see a counseler . i think i may go see one myself to get some help, to know whats the best thing to do for him.
he is at a very difficult age , but i try to allow him to grow at his own pace.
im gonna go now, im too tired to think straight , havent slept since saturday night , im hoping tomorrow will bring a better day .
goodnight & god bless
thankyou for all your help
ness xxxx

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/7/2010 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ness,

I do think you have a very good idea about getting counseling for yourself. You will get wonderful support and guidance as to how to deal with issues going on.

I think that since he is under your roof, there should still be rules and guidlines. Coming in at 3:00 and 4:00 would be unexceptable for me and sleeping all day would be too. Is he working or still going to school? He needs to learn responsiblilities. He should not be walking all over you. You deserve his respect.

And it seems that when he doesn't get his way, he does something to harm himself. This alone needs looking into. I think that he is doing it for attention, but one time is all it takes to be fatal. So I would definately talk to a counselor about this situation.

I know he is probably hurting. But it sounds like he just doesn't like not getting his way and conforming to rules. I would sit down and talk to him if you can and explain as long as he is living under your roof, there will be guidlilnes to follow. He needs to learn responsibility. That is good for him.

Best wishes to you. I hope that you do seek counseling and guidance for this situation. You could use some extra support too so that you realize that you are a good mother, just struggling at this time.

Take care my friend, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


nessynoo
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/8/2010 1:12 AM (GMT -7)   
hi karen,
yes he does work, hes a apprentice baker, he had a week off last week because it was his bday. I do agree he doesnt like not getting his own way, & to be honest i give him more freedom beacause i worry he will harm himself if he doesnt like what ive said.
he was late for work this morning, so he was rushing around, his younger sister said to him that she had heard his alarm going off, & if she knew he was going to be late she would have called him. he was very nasty to her , in how he spoke & what he said. normally i would point out it was uncalled for & not very nice, but i found myself saying nothing untill he had gone to work, & assuring my daughter it wasnt anything she had said or done.
im going to ring around today & find some help.
Its hard with the coming in so late, because he spent a long time without friends to socialise with, so now he has them i dont want to stop him. i was hoping it would lighten his mood , but your right, ive got to set the time he comes in, and responsibilitys .
i will let you know how i get on , many thanks ness xxx

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/8/2010 6:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ness,

You are right by setting rules and guidlines. You can't walk around on eggshells because you are worried about what he might do.

He is going to have many challenges and disappointments in life in general. He has to learn to cope with that. He can't go to self destructive thoughts every time he doesn't get his way. Life is hard at times, he has to learn that. I think that counseling would be good for both of you. And maybe the two of you could even go together at some point.

Tallk to him when you can. Try to let him know of your concerns. But try to keep it light so that neither one of you go off the handle. You don't want to enable him. Good thing he is working. And I hope that nothing bad happens because he was late this morning.

Best wishes to you. Keep posting and we will help you as much as we can. I know that this is tough right now. But with help here and a counselor, you will get things the way that they should be.

Know that we all care about you here and want the best for you with what is easiest for you to handle. It sounds like you are under a great deal of stress right now. That does not help the situation. Take everything as it comes. One thing at a time. Know that we all are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


nessynoo
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/12/2010 3:09 AM (GMT -7)   
hi all, been a few days, but thought i would give you a update. hes not very happy about the rules but he does seem to be much brighter & less grumpy getting more sleep. he now has to be home at 11.30pm if hes got work the next day, & 12.30 if hes not working. he even cleaned his room yesterday, i didnt make him do it, just left it up to him to decide when it would be done, but it must be done at least once a week. he has brought his washing down but not put it on, i had said if he chooses to horde it for a week he will have to put it in the washer & sort it himself, im not going to mention it just wait & see what happens. he has told me however that if he cant go out till all hours he may as well be dead, it shocked me, but i was strong & exsplained, if he felt that way perhaps he needs to see gp again, as its not on blackmailing me to get his own way. that was a very scary night , but he didnt do anything. he did say he hates me for putting him in hospital when he overdosed 2yrs ago. i exsplained i could not EVER sit back & do nothing , & allow him to die. we had no choice but to take him to hospital to have his stomach pumped. he doesnt see that it was his actions that put him there. i have told him if he should ever do it again i would do the same thing again, hes told me to ring the home treatment team & have him put in hospital. ive told him i wont, if he wants help i will back him all the way, but it has to be because he wants help. hes admitted hes lied to stop the doctors keeping him in hospital, another reason why i wont ring unless he really want help. i asked him why hes doing these things, making us sit up & notice how hes really fealing, then shutting us out, telling us he wants help but not from us , he said i dont know. he feals we allways argue, even the conversation we had he feals we argued. there were no raised voices , no nasty tones, it was just a frank conversation. once we had spoken i told him about the rules, exsplaining the only things i have a problem with is staying out till all hours, & because he tired hes grumpy with everyone, so now he has a time to come in. cleaning his room at least once a week, i wont clean it any more. also the washing, bringing it down everyday, or if he doesnt, he must do it himself. by putting these rules in place , it takes away any problems before they occure. ive exsplained its his choice if he follows them, if he doesnt, then yes we will need to speak to him about it. so far its been good, & no signs of self harm.
ive asked for councilling from my gp , but heard nothing yet, very disapointing. i will get on the phone again on monday.
i do feal stronger & more possitive , i will keep you all updated . you have all been a great help at a time when i didnt know which way to turn, for this im very gratefull. sometimes the solution can be there staring you right in the face, but you dont see it. were making possitive progress at the moment, were not there yet, but its progress . love ness xxxx

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/12/2010 7:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ness,

I am glad that you put down some rules. As long as he is living under your roof, I think he should follow them. If he starts to pay rent, then that is different.

I am glad that you are getting through to him. This is a milestone for you. I know that he doesn't like it, but hey, that is life...

Keep up the good work, let us know what is going on. Take care my friend.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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