New member. Relationship failure leading to depression, anxiety, lisping and unsual behaviour

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Dom1982
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/7/2010 5:04 AM (GMT -7)   
 
Hi All.
 
I've only just registered on this site so please be gentle with me! :o)
 
I'm a 27 year old male who moved to my current city in England 4 years ago after graduating. I left my previous job 2 years ago, which was particularly stressful and I left after suffering panic attacks and being prescripted antidepressants for a month, which, together with my new job helped a lot. Since moving to this city, I have found it difficult to make friends and don't work with people my age. I would also say that I'm quite shy and can sometimes put up barriers when first meeting people and so don't have many friends at all locally.
 
When I changed jobs 2 years ago I also moved from my own flat (where I felt isolated) into a shared house with another guy, who I get on well with. One month later I also met a girl and we started a relationship soon after. This relationship went very well and I was/am deeply in love with her. We spoke about spending the rest of our lives together and she asked me a few months back to move into her newly bought flat which her family are currently doing up. The last few months things haven't been so great between us (though she didn't communicate her issues with me at the time) and two weeks ago I confronted her and she told me that she had doubts about us, she wanted her independence and wanted some time to think about our relationship. We have spoken since several times and she has never told me that it's 100% over but says she's very confused about how she feels about 'us' and needs time to think. At the same time she has also started a new job and I'm aware that she's out socialising with new people, as she already has a good social network locally.
 
I have taken this news very badly and it has brought on many of the symptoms that I had 2 years ago: lack of sleep, loss of appetite, difficulty speaking (slight lisping), sobbing daily and feeling very isolated. I struggle to think of anything else apart from her and this is affecting my work. The loss of this relationship has highlighted my extremely limited number of friends locally and social life in general, which I think was one of the reasons that she had doubts about 'us'. I still text her every few days and she usually replies but also keeps saying that we will 'catch up soon'. We both love and care for each other still lots and I would obviously love to get back with her.
 
I've spoken to some friends about this and they've advised me to give her the space that she needs and to make a real effort to get out there and find new friends of my own. I'm meeting a mate I used to work with tomorrow night and am also meeting some old friends during the next few weekends. However, at the same time I don't want her moving on or forgetting about me, which I think may happen. I also want to make the point to her that I am making a real effort socially and that us getting back together would enhance her social life and would also allow her to have a good time with my new friends. Again, I think this was an issue previously. I want to impress her with what I'm doing now and to ensure her that I've made good changes but this is hard to do without making contact with her.
 
I've not spoken to my doctor about my symptoms and am not sure whether I should do or whether I need counselling of some kind? I would also welcome any comments about the relationship or how I can prevent these symptoms reoccuring in the future?
 
Thank you for listening.
Dom

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/7/2010 5:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dom

I would also like to say welcome to the forum, you have come to the right place.

I think I would cease all contact for a week or two with your girlfriend, or better still let her contact you, see how long it takes her. In the meantime go and see your doctor and definitely seek counselling, it will certainly help you and see things from a different perspective. I would also take Siobhan's advice and ask for some meds.

Enjoy your friends and don't seek approval from your girlfriend as I don't think that would have been the problem in the first place as you said she had a good social network of friends herself, so do it for you. Have a good time, you never know someone else might come into your life unexpectedly.

In the mean time keep posting, let us know how you are going because we are all interested and do care. That is one thing about this site, the people on here are genuine.
Harrington49


Dom1982
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/7/2010 5:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Siobhan.

I'm based in a city on the south coast - couldn't work/live in london as it's too big for me! :)
Just to clarify, I'm not suffering panic attacks currently and haven't done for 2 years since the first episode mentioned. I just feel constantly low at present, along with the other symtoms mentioned. I will speak to my GP and see what he says. In some ways I don't want to go back on medication as this may prevent me going out and socialising with new people (not being able to drink, etc), so if anything I would like the counselling over the medication route.

My girlfriend said that she had doubts for a few months prior to our conversation, mainly concerned with the fact she wants her own independence and just wasn't 'feeling it' any more. She's quite a quiet person too and obviously bottled this up to a certain degree. I'm quite certain that there isn't another man involved (yet!). One of my points to her is that if we discussed this a few months ago then we could have worked on it. I know she also doesn't like the fact that I don't gel that closely with some of her mates that we go out with, I think she would like me to be more of a party animal and not hold back socially so much. We have loads and loads in common and share the same values, etc so there's no issue there. I'm going to try once more with her later this week, just to meet socially (nothing heavy) and then that will probably have to be it. My whole point to her is that if my social life and perhaps my shyness is the only issue, help me to help 'us' and we can worth through it in a few months. It's not worth throwing everything away for that.

Does anyone know if this lisping sensation is normal for my feelings as I can't find any info on it?

thanks again
Dom

Dom1982
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/9/2010 1:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Siobhan and Harrington.

In way of an update, I saw my GP yesterday who helped a lot. He told me I wasn't lisping but just had a constantly dry mouth due to the 'shock' of what my body was going through. He said my body had shut down the part of my mouth that moistens as it was using resources elsewhere to cope with what I'm feeling - which makes sense. He also said I was borderline for medication but as I had said I had felt slightly better in the previous 48 hours then I should give it another week to see how I go. I'm fine with this.

I also went out with an old friend (male!) last night for a few drinks which I think will open up other doors socially, which is good.

The weekdays aren't so bad as I can tie myself up with work and things to do in the evenings but I'm dreading this weekend as I have very little, if anything planned. I've text another old mate asking if he fancies meeting and will see if anything comes from that. I know there's a danger that I'll spend most of the weekend at home on my own just thinking constantly about her and another part of me is really tempted to text her on the off chance she fancies a social drink or something.

A couple of female friends have told me not to suggest anything to her that is too 'coupley' or is just me and that I would be better inviting her along with a group of people to a night out. This would be great apart from the fact I don't have anything like this lined up for the next few weeks and don't want to leave it that long before I suggest it to her. She hasn't text me since Monday but I know Tuesday's is a busy day for her. The whole 'when to contact' thing is the main issue on my mind again today and I really don't like the thought of leaving it another few weeks.

Again, thank you for reading! :)

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18743
   Posted 6/9/2010 1:57 AM (GMT -7)   
hey dom, well done on seeing your gp-and getting some answers. you are on the right track mate. be cool, be you and be true. with compassion, jamie. welcome too!! i always forget!!!
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/9/2010 2:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dom

Well done going to your dr but if you feel like you are falling backwards go back and see him for some meds, even if it is only for a short time. Did you mention counselling?

I agree with your female friends, a group night out would probably be the best idea, if it can't be done for a couple of weeks then that might work, I think she is used to you contacting her all the time, so if you don't do it for a week or so, it might get her wondering. Just a thought.

On the other hand if you were to ring her to go for a social drink and stipulate that that is all it is then that could also work, but don't sound like you have got nothing else on, if she can't make it.

Good luck Dom and I hope this girl realises what she is losing, you know the old saying "You don't know what you've lost till it's gone". Keep posting and let us know how you are going.
Harrington49


Dom1982
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/11/2010 4:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Guys. Just a brief update from me, which is a bit of a mixed bag.

I've spoken to a counselling charity who are arranging some appointments for me in a couple of weeks time. I didn't mention this to my doctor to be honest but will do if I end up going back to him next week. I think my general state has improved slightly in the last few days, I'm sleeping a little longer and eating a little more, though still not back to normal by any means. I'm still struggling with the dry mouth and talking. Weekdays don't tend to be so bad as I can try to concentrate on work and find stuff in the evenings. The weekends I do struggle with however, even though I'm going to stay with a Uni friend on Saturday, which will be good fun and help occupy my mind.

I decided to text 'her' on Wednesday this week, just a very casual but polite message, saying that I would be out in town on Friday night and that if she wanted to come along and meet new people or if she was already out with her mates and wanted to hang out for a drink, then that would be cool. I got a reply a few hours later which simply read 'Sorry, am busy that night. Have a good time. x'. I felt this was a really cold reply and perhaps underlines to me that it's all but over. I don't intend to contact her again for another week or ten days now and probably only then to ask if she's still in a confused state, whether she's moved on or whether there is any scope for talking. I don't feel that I can get total closure until that point. I know I need to start making plans to move on mentally but there is still a part of me which is praying that she will get in contact during the next few weeks and is willing to at least open her mind to the idea of talking.

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments to date.
Dom :o)

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/11/2010 4:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dom

So glad you have been able to arrange some counselling and also been to your doctor. I think your sleeping and eating patterns will improve slowly in time. But it is great that you are feeling a bit better, you certainly sound it in your post.

That was a good way of texting her but I think you know deep down that you have your answer. But do what you said you would do and see what she says in ten or so days. Try not to dwell on it too much and enjoy your night with your old friend, that sounds like it could be fun.

Please remember to keep posting and let us know how you are going as we really do care about you.
Harrington49


Dom1982
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/21/2010 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, yeah I'm on as I was about to write an update! hehe!

I told my parents over the weekend and they were very sympathetic. My mum said she thought something was up as she could hear it in my voice for the last few weeks - which obviously I couldn't hide! I told my mum (who is a nurse) about seeing the doctor and that he offered medication if I wasn't feeling right. She wasn't too sure if this was a good idea and seemed to think my body would sort itself out over time when the shock departs.

It's now over 4 weeks since the split (though only a week since I knew it was def over) and I was hoping that I would be feeling more alive by this point to be honest. My dry mouth and speaking issue has got a lot better and my appetite is back to normal. However sleeping remains an issue (I only got 4 hours last night) and I'm struggling at work as my brain just thinks about her and the situation I'm in over and over. Is this normal for this period of time or should I, after four weeks of unrest, be seeking medication?

I'm doing well in sorting my social life out and have made plans for the next two weekends, which I'm looking forward to. Another issue with going on medication for a few weeks would be not being able to drink, which I would like to do whilst socialising over the next few weeks.

I'm not living with the folks (they're 45 mins away) but am still looking for a houseshare. I've viewed more places over the weekend but nothing that really grabs me. I've got until August to find somewhere though and would rather wait for the perfect place, rather than jumping into something that I regret.

I'm still waiting for the counselling service to ring to make an appointment - though I'm aware there's a wait and this should happen in the next week or so. I think I'll certainly go along to this as I think it may well help.

As always, thanks for your advice and thoughts. Keep smiling! Dom

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/21/2010 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   
HI Dom

Glad to hear you are feeling better, much better I would say. It will take a bit of time but you are already picking up and improving. It sounds good to me that you have already organised a couple of weekends ahead, that is something to look forward to and that is how you will mend a broken heart, get yourself "out there".

I hope things continue to improve and you can move on with your life. It is only natural that when you are tired you will think about her but that is only because you are tired, things always seem worse then. Like I said time will heal all wounds, it's true.

Keep posting and let us know how you are going.
Harrington49


whymewhy
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/22/2010 6:47 AM (GMT -7)   
hello dom,
i feel that i am in the same boat as you.
just recently got broken up with and i am having a hard time not texing my ex too.
its hard to give people space to move on or think about life when all you do is think about them and think that they dont think about you.
sorry if that made no since.
my thinking has not been clear for the last few days.
my ex,broke up with me in a text,and when i asked him if i should move off,all i got was bye! like 2 times.

hang in their
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