New Member... My depression is affecting husband... Need a little of advice.

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veluxia
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Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/11/2010 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   
I was diagnosed with mild to severe depression in seventh grade, I guess it stopped affecting me greatly in high school and throughout the first couple of years of college. I had some issues my first year of college, but with my R.A., I was able to keep it dormant for a while. She passed away and it triggered my depression. Was in an abusive relationship, and when I got the courage to get out of it, I met my guy (who would end up being my husband)... Things were going well... Until lately, I don't know what triggered it, but...

I guess, I'm having problems keeping myself happy for my husband's sake. It's hard when my husband hates everything in life, and he doesn't think I'm being a very positive influence. I am not sure if it's just me expecting too much from him to support me emotionally. I apparently make him miserable and, in return it makes me feel even worse. I've already contemplated life without him, and let's just say, I'd rather to die than to live my life without him.

I have lost so much weight and so much sleep because I am up all night worrying, worrying about him leaving me or cheating on me. All this thinking is making me fall deeper in my emotions and pain. I have a journal, but I feel like I have no privacy to write in it because of all the people that live in here.

I need some advice on how I can keep him happy and at the same time, to keep me happy. I am sick of dealing with my depression issues. I don't want to turn to alcohol or painkillers or ... Even self-inflicting pain (I have done all of this in the past, and trust me, this is a situation where I never want it to happen). I really want to keep our marriage on top, and at the same time... To keep everyone happy.

EDIT: I just found out my husband isn't coming home tonight. He's going to this happy hour thing his company does every Friday. *sigh* He doesn't drink, and I'm afraid... Something might happen.

What do I do to avoid having a melt down and ruining everything I've worked so hard to accomplish? I don't want to let my depression get the best of me and make me lose my husband.

Post Edited (Smoonikins) : 6/11/2010 8:54:05 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/11/2010 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Smoonikins,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I am so glad that you have joined us.

First of all, I think you have to work on your self esteem. And then you have to learn to trust. Has he done anything in the past that would make you doubt him? If not, then try to trust him totally. Find a life for yourself, while with him, pick up some hobbies and find things to do for you. You have to take care of you before you can worry about him.

Your goal in life is not to make him happy. It is to find you and be happy. This in turn makes others happy. It sounds like you are worrying too much about his happiness and not focussing on your own.

Are you going to any counseling? I highly recommend it for you. We all go to counseling and it really helps with many things. So think about going and getting yourself better.

Know that we are all here for you and I hope that you are having a good day.

Take care my friend, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/11/2010 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
@ Karen :: Thank you, and he has never made me doubt him in the past. It's his actions lately that is starting to worry me. He deletes text messages (and last night he deleted them in plain view), and I think it is my fault for overreacting about his deleting his texts.

I'll admit, I don't like counseling, I've had bad experiences in the past. I also feel embarrassed if I go to counseling again. No one other than my mom and best friend knows about these issues.

@ Sibohan :: Thank you! I try to have a heart to heart to him, but he kind of seems to take it the wrong way. He thinks I'm nagging and whining about everything, it seems to make him even more upset. He told me he now doesn't even look forward to coming home anymore.

I try doing things I love, and I keep getting distracted. Like right now, I have an art project for a friend (a commission, I guess)... And all I want to do right now is to curl up in bed and cry again.

How do I assure myself that I can trust him, and I shouldn't have to question that. My husband is kind of losing his trust in me, and I think he's falling out of love with me because he's "this" miserable.

veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/11/2010 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the support, Siobhan. I will make sure to post what happens.

veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/11/2010 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
"if i ignore you its not because i want you to go away, but its not because i want you to sit their and bother me and get all pissy and make everything worse. you need to learn that im not going to praise you for every little thing you do. you have to get over it when i dont comment on how you look or what you make. your are going to have to live with that. it will have to be good enough that im thinking it and not saying it."

Okay, this is what he just sent me. Looks like you were right, Karen about the self-esteem thing.

Now, I need some help on how I can obtain my self-esteem. Any tips/ideas?

myjoy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 6/11/2010 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Self-esteem is a difficult one....but I agree with the others - you do need it. Also, it is not your job to make your husband happy - as you love yourself more, he will get happier on his own. It will make you stronger and not a victim all the time.

Start by looking in the mirror and saying that you are a capable and loving person. Say "I love you" to yourself. We can't expect others to like us, if we don't like us. This needs to be genuine. If your husband isn't caring for you right now, you must care for yourself.

Stop the thoughts that your husband is going to leave you. Stop it in it's tracks. Do not dwell on that thought at all. Let it just pass through your head. The only thing you can fix is yourself. It takes work, but it's possible.

Remember, you are strong and capable. It takes a lot of strength to be depressed. We are a strong bunch.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, osteoarthritis, obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.

fluoxetine (prozac), welbutrin, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.


veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/11/2010 10:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your input, myjoy. :O That actually made me feel a bit better, albeit, it made me cry.

myjoy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 6/11/2010 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh my, sorry to make you cry. You and I do have a lot in common when it comes to self-esteem. But I have come a long way, and my and my husband's relationship is better because of it.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, osteoarthritis, obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.

fluoxetine (prozac), welbutrin, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/11/2010 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Smoonikins,
 
I don't like what your husband texted to you.  That would hurt my feelings.  But he does have some points.  You shouldn't look to him for praise.  You should have the confidence in yourself and not need it.  Though I think he could have put that in a more gentle manor.  I am going to post a site that might help you with your self esteem.  There was another member that did well with it.
 
 
Check this out and see if it is right for you.  I am so sorry that your husband talks to you in the way that he does.  In my mind it was immature for him to text you that.  I don't know though, you maybe text back and forth. 
 
You are a good person, that is important.  You are kind and compassionate, that means a lot.  I want you to realize that you have many good qualities, you are equal to everybody and you don't deserve to be talked down to.  So try to put what he said out of your mind and begin a journey for yourself.  A healing journey.  Check out that site that I posted and see if it helps.  Keep posting and know that we are all here for you.
 
Take care my friend...
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/11/2010 12:57 PM (GMT -7)   
That link doesn't seem to work, Karen. :(

However, it did redirect me to this: http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome. Thank you for that website. I'll be sure to try it out.

My husband can be rough. This is not the first time he has texted me in this manner.

@ myjoy :: That's great to hear you and your husband's relationship has improved! I am hoping this will help me too.

My mom was glad I joined the HW forums. She thinks it may help. (:

veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/14/2010 6:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi guys,

The weekend went a bit better than I thought. I tried not to be so whiny. It did seem to help. But... I still have these crazy feelings about my husband. At one point, I kind of wanted to take something to prevent me from crying on Friday night. I guess it was awkward that night; he came home, and didn't go to the stupid happy hour (thank goodness). But you could definitely tell my husband was on the edge. :/

I guess I kind of resorted to blaming myself for how our relationship deteriorated. I found flaw with every thing in my past. I had to pull myself together because I wanted to not get all depressed. I couldn't stop thinking when I was trying to sleep that night.

@ Karen :: I tried out that website, and I must say, I like it. I will be using it often. Thanks again!

@ Siobhan :: He is always like this (now). He definitely has a "cold" exterior. This is why I blame myself so much. He wasn't like this. When we first met, he was ... A completely different person. He was more warm, and cuddly. Now he's more of a blunt person (too blunt in my opinion) and not as loving (well, last night was a different story for some reason). He kind of (lately) seems to turn the tables around when I try to tell him how I feel. *sigh* So I guess for now I won't be sharing my feelings.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/14/2010 6:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy that the website is helping you. Let me know how it goes, okay?

Keep up the good work. I hope that your husband comes around some. I think Siobhan's advice about couples counseling sounds good.

Know that we are thinking of you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/14/2010 7:21 AM (GMT -7)   
@ Siobhan :: We went to our pastor for some counseling before and after our wedding day. It benefited him greatly, but I don't think counseling is helping. I wish I could slap some truth into him. However, he DOES have depression issues (and surprisingly, his parents dismiss it as some kind of phase).

@ Karen :: Thank you for the support. I am so glad I found this forum. I feel better just having people help me (and feel better by trying to help others)

OH! I forgot to mention, there's another reason why I am very harsh on myself. Long story short, I was born deaf, and recently got my Cochlear Implant. I am hard on myself when I don't pass my training sessions. I am very secretive about my Implant. I refuse to collaborate myself with the deaf community anywhere in the world because of how they treat people. Simply put: I hate being deaf. I hate my inability to communicate efficiently.

Post Edited (Smoonikins) : 6/14/2010 8:24:49 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/14/2010 8:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Don't feel embarrassed for being deaf. Luckily with internet, you don't have to worry about that. I hope that your transplant is helping you. Just don't be so hard on yourself. You have a whole new world opening up for yourself. Be good to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/14/2010 12:27 PM (GMT -7)   
@ Karen :: I'll admit, I'm not embarrassed about being deaf. I just get sad when I can't understand people, and because of their idiocy, they refuse to help me understand the conversation/what they said.

@ Siobhan :: That's great to hear. (: There's been an uproar here about implants because they think it goes against the Bible and God's rules of being natural (whatever they say, lol).

I guess, my body is having a strange reaction to all the stress and my depression. I don't even feel hungry. I went all day without eating. ;_; Typically I over-eat when I'm upset.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/14/2010 12:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Do try to keep some nutrition in you. Drink a glass of orange juice to keep your blood sugars from dropping. It is not healthy to go without eating. Though I do that because I am trying to lose weight, but I dont' think it is helping me.

I can understand your frustration with people. You want to understand what is being said. I would feel the same way. I am glad that you are getting the implants. I think it is silly that people would think it was against God. I am sure that God would want people to hear.

I hope that you are having a nice day today. Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/14/2010 1:36 PM (GMT -7)   
What do I do when I feel defeated? :(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/14/2010 2:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't know how much help I am going to be because when I get really depressed, I sleep. But I am able to do that because I am not working, and I have fibromyalgia which makes me want to sleep anyway.

I would suggest at making a list of all the positives in your life and concentrate on that. Feeling defeated is when we are really getting to our lowest. Nothing seems to sound good. Everything is bleak and dark.

Having something new in your life is always a plus. Is there anything that you would feel is an attainable goal? Or maybe a project that you haven't been able to complete. Do you have any interests in such as hobbies? People on the forum say that when they volunteer somewhere that it is therapeudic and makes them feel good. I find that walking helps me. It is something that I have always done. It clears my head and makes me feel like I accomplished something. I would say take a nice relaxing bath and maybe listen to some of your favorite music. Maybe burn some candles or incense.

Do something out of the norm. Something different and see where that takes you. Most of all, love yourself. Are you seeing anybody for counseling? Or have I already asked you that? I go tomorrow. I see a psychologist. It really helps me. I have been going for years. A lot of people just go for awhile or whenever they are having troubles, but I go all the time. And probably will. I will probably take medications for the rest of my life.


any how, I hope that you feel better. Try not to feel defeated, you are not. You are stronger than you think and you are a survivor. Don't let this get you more down. Try not to beat yourself up over feeling bad. We all have hard times and are here to help eachother through it. So keep posting and know that we are all thinking of you.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


cinnamon10
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 6/14/2010 10:20 PM (GMT -7)   
The thing that sticks out for me is your statement that your husband hates everything in life. Yikes! - it sounds to me like he has severe problems and should be getting help. I sure wouldn't want to live with someone in that state of mind...hating everything in life. Why do you feel like you are the source of problems?.....and why do you want to live with him? I know - you are married and love him and I don't have the complete picture but maybe you need to take another look at the picture. Maybe it is not you or only you that should be trying to change.

veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/15/2010 6:16 AM (GMT -7)   
@ cinnamon10: He has gotten help before and is on anti-depressants. I think it's just ME because I'm supposed to be a positive influence in his life, and I have not been positive lately, so I blame myself for everything that's gone wrong in our relationship. I refuse to see a counselor/doctor because of my bad experience with them in the past.

"Why do I want to live with him?" Because when I first met him, he helped me through this by being my positive influence when things went wrong. <3

e.celeste.a
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/15/2010 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Smoonikins! I know we talked a bit but I didn't have time to read your post before we talked. It seems like we are in a similar situation. My boyfriend is the centre of my universe aswell... and he HATES life alot of the time also (sucky job, broke alot of the time... etc etc). I get the same stupid feelings about what he's up to (even though I KNOW he would never cheat, and even if he did, it would not be because he loved that person), because I don't connect that he's not upset with me, he's upset with life in general. Its a hard distinction to make for someone who isn't overly expressive, you know what I mean?
I think what you need to do is try making your goal to make him happy. Go out of your way to make things good for him. For example, I wake up every morning and make my man lunch for the day. He loves it. Its our little routine. This isn't bowing to his needs or taking anything away from you, its helping YOU help YOURSELF and HIM!
Don't let his negative comments hurt you too much either. If theres anything I know about men, its that they say things without thinking and are often to prideful to take it back.
You are definetly going to have a give-and-take of happiness... for now I think this needs to be more about him, and in a way, that can make you feel like you are persuing something and taking charge, and it will make you happy by making him happy. There will always be days that make you wonder what you're doing in the situation, but thats part of the ups and downs of life. I hope that helped, because you helped me with the same problem I was having earlier.

veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/15/2010 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I go out of my way for him ALL the time. I get up with him at 6:30 in the morning, I pack in his favorite candy, I get his stuff ready and I give him a big ol' wet kiss before he goes. He hates kissing and whatnot (now). I constantly bake him goodies, and I take care of the house.

If he asks for a favor, I immediately do it.

I even arrange some adult time with him. He really seems to like that, but apparently it's not enough. *sigh*

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/15/2010 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   
I dont' agree about making this all about him. We have to make ourselves happy too. This is a two way street here. If you are doing all this for him, he should in return be supporting you. After all, this is a full time job. If you do too much for him, he will lose respect for you. Yes, kind jestures are nice, but make sure that you are taking care of you first.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


veluxia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 6/16/2010 5:54 AM (GMT -7)   
@ Karen :: When do I know I'm doing too much for him?

@ Siobhan :: I'm glad to hear I cheered you up. I hope I can continue being a friend and a support buddy for you.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 6/16/2010 7:02 AM (GMT -7)   
When it starts to become stressful for you, you know that you are doing too much. Basically you have to think of you before you can think of anybody else.

Like I said, it is a two way street. Is he supporting you? If so, then yes, do the chores around the house, fix his lunch and supper etc. Maybe write a list of what you do for him and what he does for you and weigh it out. Some people are happy to do for others and it doesn't bother them. But if you are unhappy, that makes all the difference in the world. I enjoy doing things for others, but if it becomes stressful or I feel like I am being used, I stop. I guess it just makes a difference to how you feel inside. If you are happy pleasing him, then that is a different story. But don't let him treat you badly or say things to hurt your feelings.

Are you seeing a counselor through any ot this? It might be time to talk to one. Somebody professional who can see your situation objectively. Think about it. You will get through this. With our help. And talking to a counselor would do you a lot of good. Know that you are a special person and that you don't need to be spoken down to. I hope that he treats you good. Being a homemaker is a full time job and you need to be rewarded for that.

Take care my friend. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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