I already know this is going to be quite a long email, I do appologise ….
I don’t know were to start. I came into this country when I was 18 and did not speak any english. It was hard. I would not really speak to anyone, because I am a very proud person and I felt embarressed by the fact I can’t express myself. Saying that I never really felt very confident in big groups anyway, always liked one on one.
Then I met my husband when I was 18 (my first ever boyfriend) and we fell in love. I found it hard to handle the love, I wanted to be all the time with him, do everything with him, was jealous, possesive. Didn’t like him to talk to anyone, go anywhere, kept asking him if he loves me, if he will ever leave me, if he will fall out of love with me. Kept asking him what he would do if I died or left and so wanted to hear he would be devastated etc, He is a very strong person and he kept saying he loves me and yes he will be destroyed, but he will carry on.
By this point my english was getting better, but my clinginess was getting worse, still did not like to be with other people, only wanted to be with my husband. I made no decisions on my own had to double check everything with him and he was trying to help me – saying be more positive, make a decision on your own, go and do some college course, don’t worry, be good to people – I felt he was so much better person than me, so wanted to be like him. I lost myself and didn’t know who I was anymore – I got so depressed – so wanted to die. I completely lost my feelings was so numb and was not sure if I loved him anymore, just lost it. When on antidepressants and have been on them for the past 7 years, all different ones.
Me and my husband split up 2 years ago, but we still live together, can’t quite separate from him, because I am not really 100% sure how I feel, I am still not me, so lost. We have had a little boy who is 6 now and again I feel so distanced and numb. Got a boyfriend now who comes and visits every now and then and I am noticing I am starting to do what I did with my husband. Asking if he will always love me, ever leave, want him to keep telling me how much he loves me all the time, text me all the time, want him to be with me all the time.
So now I live with my husband (as a friend) and my child - not completely sure how I feel about either of them while trying to get serious with another guy. Can’t concentrate on anything because I keep analysing me and my boyfriend, my feelings for him, my child, husband.
I am FEELING SO AWFULY lonely, so so lonely, lost, numb – where is me? Keep analysing myself what I should be saying and why I have got no friends, why people don’t like me, why am I not popular, why am I not happy, hate being so pathetic and insecure. I so badly want to be happy in me L I can’t concentrate on anything, don’t enjoy anything. So want to die and not keep going thru this, but there is that little chance that I will be happy again one day. I have been to see a therapist, quite few really, but it did not really work. It always comes back to my childhood where my mum found someone else and left us and did not care anymore, but there is not much I can do about it now. I so don’t know what to do, I am so depressed L so lost, sad, lonely so so so so want to be happy again. I don’t know where to START and stop this numbness. I would so appreciate anything, people who are not involved can probably see it so much clear. Thank you. X