NUMB, LOST, LONELY AND DEAD INSIDE - PLS HELP

Can I do something to make it better?
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Depression - 100.0%
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Eva K
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/22/2010 2:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello there,

 

I already know this is going to be quite a long email, I do appologise ….

I don’t know were to start.  I came into this country when I was 18 and did not speak any english.  It was hard.  I would not really speak to anyone, because I am a very proud person and I felt embarressed by the fact I can’t express myself.  Saying that I never really felt very confident in big groups anyway, always liked one on one.

            Then I  met my husband  when I was 18 (my first ever boyfriend) and we fell in love.  I found it hard to handle the love, I wanted to be all the time with him, do everything with him, was jealous, possesive.  Didn’t like him to talk to anyone, go anywhere, kept asking him if he loves me, if he will ever leave me, if he will fall out of love with me.  Kept asking him what he would do if I died or left and so wanted to hear he would be devastated etc, He is a very strong person and he kept saying he loves me and yes he will be destroyed, but he will carry on.

            By this point my english was getting better, but my clinginess was getting worse, still did not like to be with other people, only wanted to be with my husband.  I made no decisions on my own had to double check everything with him and he was trying to help me – saying be more positive, make a decision on your own, go and do some college course, don’t worry, be good to people – I felt he was so much better person than me, so wanted to be like him.  I lost myself and didn’t know who I was anymore – I got so depressed – so wanted to die.  I completely lost my feelings was so numb and was not sure if I loved him anymore, just lost it.  When on antidepressants and have been on them for the past 7 years, all different ones. 

            Me and my husband split up 2 years ago, but we still live together, can’t quite separate from him, because I am not really 100% sure how I feel, I am still not me, so lost.  We have had a little boy who is 6 now and again I feel so distanced and numb.  Got a boyfriend now who comes and visits every now and then and I am noticing I am starting to do what I did with my husband. Asking if he will always love me,  ever leave, want him to keep telling me how much he loves me all the time, text me all the time, want him to be with me all the time.

            So now  I live with my husband (as a friend) and my child - not completely sure how I feel about either of them while trying to get serious with another guy. Can’t concentrate on anything because I keep analysing me and my boyfriend, my feelings for him, my child, husband.

            I am FEELING SO AWFULY lonely, so so lonely, lost, numb – where is me?  Keep analysing myself what I should be saying and why I have got no friends, why people don’t like me, why am I not popular, why am I not happy, hate being so pathetic and insecure.   I so badly want to be happy in me L  I can’t concentrate on anything, don’t enjoy anything.  So want to die and not keep going thru this, but there is that little chance that I will be happy again one day. I have been to see a therapist, quite few really, but it did not really work.  It always comes back to my childhood where my mum found someone else and left us and did not care anymore, but there is not much I can do about it now.  I so don’t know what to do, I am so depressed L so lost, sad, lonely so so so so want to be happy again.  I don’t know where to START and stop this numbness.              I would so appreciate anything, people who are not involved can probably see it so much clear.  Thank you. X 


whymewhy
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/22/2010 3:19 AM (GMT -7)   
i could have been like you in a few years.
my bf of almost 4yrs broke up with me and i hear everything that you say and say the same things as you.
i don't like going to talk to therapist eather.
maybe getting out of the house would help your feeling for the new boyfriend? i mean like moving out,even for a trial period

not sure,just a thought.
hang in their.

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/22/2010 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Eva

Welcome to the HW Depression Forum, there are a lot of friendly, caring and compassionate people on this site who will try and help you as best we can, but we are not trained professionals and can only offer our opinions and advice.

Firstly, have you spoken to your doctor? He may be able to refer you to a health professional who will deal solely with your problems, I think you need more than a counsellor. Secondly, are you on the right medication, I mean does it help you? If not you should tell your doctor, he may change the dosage for you or even try something different. I know you said you have been on medication for 7 years, but a lot has changed in 7 years medication wise and there maybe something better for you now.

I am sure once you get someone who will help you deal with your issues, you will find happiness but you must help yourself first. I can only urge you to go back to your doctor and start from there and tell him everything that is worrying you.

Eva, please let us know how you are going as we care about you.
Harrington49


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/22/2010 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Harrington, I think you should go back to counseling and have your medication reevaluated.

You don't speak much about your son. How is your relationship with him? I always find when you make your children top priority, things fall into place. Do you do things with him? Do you have a relationship with him?

I hope that you start to feel better soon. You have to learn to love yourself to be secure in any relationship. So work on that. Try not to be clingy, it just scares people away.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Eva K
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/22/2010 7:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello guys,
 
Thank you very much for your replies.  I have been on loads of different types and doses of antidepressants and I just feel they don't do anything for me, perhaps calm me down a little so I am not as erratic.  I just feel it's in me, I am depressed cos of me, maybe I am wrong I don't know which way round it is.  I know clinginess scares people away and I am no exception, but I just feel so lonely, feel shaky and scared - I don't have anyone, nobody cares. I seem to need people.  I know my son does, but he is the only one.  I just so don't want to wake up. I feel ashamed to feel like this, there are people who have no legs, arms, are seriously ill etc and all they want is another day.  I don't know if counsellor would help, have seen 3 and did not feel any different, only difference was I cling on the counsellor  with a hope he will make it better and help me. I hate being like this. 
 
I love my son dearly, but feel distanced and numb.... hard to explain if anything happened to him at least I could die.  I don't know if I could even cry, I can't feel him properly feel so numb.  I know he is mine, but feel like he just is.  I feel so deeply sad by this, so want to have the spirit I used to have. We do things together, but I am there physically not mentally, my mind is wondering off and I feel so low and lonely.  Keep thinking about my boyfriend, if he loves me, if he texted me more than yesterday.  I don't even know if I really love him or if just need someone to love me.
 
I just wish I had a manual and knew where to start.  Wish I knew what was wrong with me, I am 31 now and I have been like this since I was 24 I so don't want to spend another 7,14,21 years like this.
Again thanks a lot for listening to me.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/22/2010 8:17 AM (GMT -7)   
I think we could all use a manual. lol... I liked that you said that. Because life doesn't come with one. Unfortunately...

Keep pushing on my friend. You will get there. I am a little concerned about the texting the boyfriend and clinging on to him. there was another member like that and all she did was alienate people doing that. I don't think you want that to happen, now do you?

People in general, like people with much self esteem. I think that you should work on that. Who cares if you get clingly with the counselor, they are professionals and they know how to deal with that so that you can have a healthy relationship.

Go back and see one, let them know that you have issues with insecurity. They will help you, and so will we. Be strong, I know that you can do that. You are an intelligent person and have the facilities to have healty relationships with other people.

Try to be there with your son. These are important years, and if you miss them, you will never forgive yourself. Get him involved in some sports and go with him. Do things like that. He is your real rock. He is a part of you. Don't do something that you will regret by not having a relationship with him.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Eva K
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/22/2010 8:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen,

I know I am looking for answers :-( and I don't know if you guys can give them to me. Is it the insecurity I am suffering from? Is it depression? Low self esteem? Going mad?

xx

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/22/2010 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think that you are going mad, but depression can cause insecurity and low self esteem. I don't know if we can really help you either, but we can be there for you. There is a site called http://moodgym.au.edu/welcome. Try typing that in and check it out. It is absolutely free.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/22/2010 11:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Eva

Karen is right, depression is a terrible disease in that it causes other things as well, like low self esteem and sometimes insecurities. I think you need to go back to your doctor and ask for a referral to a mental health professional who would be able to help you. You need someone who can delve into your mind and know how you are feeling and get those feelings and insecurities out so that you can live again and be the good mother to your little boy that he needs. So that you can be the young vibrant girl that you were and still can be again.

Remember we are here for you Eva and care about you so please keep letting us know how you are.
Harrington49

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