Lost my last parent...

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dnvrsangel
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/22/2010 4:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello all...
I am relatively new to this forum -- not new to reading this as it has helped me with Lupus.
I am also bi-polar and am on meds -- so the generalities are out on the table, so to speak.
 
On May 14th, I walked my father thru the transition from life to death.  I did this for my mother in 1987 when she passed from breast cancer that had spread to bone, brain and lung.  Her passing was horrific -- scary horrific.  I still to this day see that in my 'minds' eye when I think of my mom -- and the fight, the fear.
 
However, for my dad -- a much different passing.  I put my head next to his on his pillow and started talking to him.  It was one of the most precious moments of my life -- and I would never have wanted it any other way.  During his transition, I actually had the feeling of two hearts beating in my chest.  It was so not normal, that I remember telling myself 'Oh God - do not let me pass out now'.  I have since learned that what I was doing became a vessel for him -- and his last gift to me was to touch my heart.
 
I went into 'get it done' mode after he passed.  I was with him until the mortuary drove away.  I did his DVD, picked out the music, made his picture, wrote his Eulogy, etc etc etc.  I seem to do this in times of strife -- I just step up and go.  My sister and her family have been dealing with some very troubling financial issues, so I have been helping them and taking care of one of my nephews who is in college by taking on his expenses.  I do these things because I know they have no one else...and I love them.  But now I find the pain of losing him and feeling all this pressure inside my heart becoming too much to manage.  I am realizing that I am alone and that has been very difficult to get a real grasp on.  But I know in time, I will.  However, my world seems to have stopped.  My focus is bad -- especially on the job.  I just cannot stay together in my thoughts and focus long enough to be of value or do it justice.  I seem to cry all the time.  And now, my lupus is in a major flare and the affects of this flare are more than I ever anticipated -- and couple it with the emotional side, I feel very very lost and very very sick all at the same time.
 
I wonder if there will ever come a time where the 'old' me will come back and I will find that desire (I'm a workaholic and have been for over 10 years) to work and get in that zone in my head.  I wonder if I am crippled up so badly emotionally that I am slipping into this dark hole and I am unable to stop it.  I miss him - I miss his laugh -- I miss his jokes -- I miss everything about him every minute of every day.  And believe me, watching pancreatic cancer eat a person away is horrible and grueling and not anything I would wish on anyone.  I thought it was bad with my mom and the tumor that deformed her face, but this was even more horrific because my dad was still cognizant and sharp-minded; it was his body that was quitting on him and he knew.  My mom's saving grace was that the tumor in her brain made her mind go into different worlds and places.  Knowing how much my father suffered every day and went throught was why it was so important for me to be there with him and to walk him to that better place.  But does anyone ever find their way back from all this pain within because frankly, I'm afraid if I don't do something and fast, I could lose myself.  
 
Lupus is not fun and what I have occurring now is zapping me of everything -- and now it seems that I may not get to go see my sister for her birthday because the Lupus is in full flare and my faculties are not able to withstand airplane travel.  I know I'm breaking her heart...and I don't know how much more I can manage before I just decide to stay in bed and let it all go in sleep.
 
My dad was a really great dad -- a good man and I just wish I could say goodbye with the same dignity he did...because God knows, I am not.
 
<3 
A smile means everything to the one who receives it.
 


_____
Lupus SLE, Bi-Polar (diag 2001)
Drugs: Plaquenil, Propranolol, Xanax, Prednisone, Lamictal, Synthroid
OTC/Natureopathic: Bayer Aspirin, Advil, Omega3, B-complex, C, Acidolphulus, Calcium (magnesium & zinc), Vitamin D drops and Juice-PLUS


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/22/2010 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear dnvrsangel,

Your post really touched me and I can't put into words how much your strength came through. I am so deeply sorry for both of your losses. My mom was just diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer; it has spread to her hip bone. I am not dealing with the reality of the situation at all. I am going through every single day as though the whole situation does not exist. I just don't know what else to do.

So having said that, I can't imagine how you've come through losing two parents. You are a survivor. I know you feel you are losing your control, but I almost felt like telling you to allow yourself time to greive or fall apart (in a safe, healthy way). Or maybe that's not the right way to put it. Be gentle with yourself; don't be so hard on yourself. I am bipolar as well, and with stress comes episodes. I know that you are not wanting to feel depressed. And I need to function and work everyday too, so I get that. Is there any way taking a break from work could help you regroup, since you can't focus etc???

Take things slow; surround yourself with support. Do you have professional supports in place? I am sorry to hear about your flare up with your Lupus, upon everything else.

You have been through such tremendous tragedy and I am sending hugs and thoughts and prayers your way. I hope you know that you are not alone and I am glad you posted here on HW.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex 1.5mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 6/22/2010 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dnvrsangel,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am so sorry for your loss. I too have seen the transition. It was actually beautiful in it's own way. I lost my first husband to lung cancer and I was beside him holding his hand when he passed away. I felt the energy leave his body. It was an awesome experience. I saw the peace come on his face and he looked so young and free of pain and suffering.

Have you been to grief counseling? This might help you through this. You have been strong for too long and it is time that you let go and grieve. I am sure that there is a lot that you need to get out. A lot of emotion and feelings. And to get some closure.

I hope that you feel better soon. Know that we are all here for you and want to support you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/22/2010 8:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hu Dnvrsangel

I agree with the others, I think you are in a deep grieving process and you should seek grief counselling. You bought tears to my eyes describing how your father touched your heart, the two hearts beating together, that was just so spiritual to me. I am truly sorry for your loss.

You are allowed to let go, not be the strong one all the time, it sounds like you have taken on a lot with your family's issue, so take time to let it out, have a good cry, maybe take a break from work, it will still be there when you come back, you need to reflect on your time with your father.

You are in my prayers and thoughts.
Harrington49


dnvrsangel
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/23/2010 4:48 PM (GMT -7)   
mogli said...
Dear dnvrsangel,

Your post really touched me and I can't put into words how much your strength came through. I am so deeply sorry for both of your losses. My mom was just diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer; it has spread to her hip bone. I am not dealing with the reality of the situation at all. I am going through every single day as though the whole situation does not exist. I just don't know what else to do.

So having said that, I can't imagine how you've come through losing two parents. You are a survivor. I know you feel you are losing your control, but I almost felt like telling you to allow yourself time to greive or fall apart (in a safe, healthy way). Or maybe that's not the right way to put it. Be gentle with yourself; don't be so hard on yourself. I am bipolar as well, and with stress comes episodes. I know that you are not wanting to feel depressed. And I need to function and work everyday too, so I get that. Is there any way taking a break from work could help you regroup, since you can't focus etc???

Take things slow; surround yourself with support. Do you have professional supports in place? I am sorry to hear about your flare up with your Lupus, upon everything else.

You have been through such tremendous tragedy and I am sending hugs and thoughts and prayers your way. I hope you know that you are not alone and I am glad you posted here on HW.

May I first extend my deepest and heartfelt sympathy to you and your family -- especially your mom -- for this diagnosis.  It is a very surreal moment that keeps going on for a time and you will find that as this goes on, there are many gifts that are bestowed upon you -- even through this.
 
That is what I learned with my mom and then to have cancer strike my father too -- I found that I did things with much more thought, more compassion and love.  I wrote letters to my dad and was able to talk to him about things at a whole other level.  During this time for you and your family, it will be so painful and scary and everything you feel will be more pronounced.  The most important thing that I can share with you is to always always always say what is on your heart; do what is in your heart -- and you will find that each of those moments will carry you and help you manage all that is going on. 
 
If you ever need anything -- a safe haven, please feel free to email me -- or contact me here.  I will be here for you.
 
And lastly, thank you for such kind and caring words in such a horrible situation.  You have a beautiful heart!!!
 
Patty
 
A smile means everything to the one who receives it.
 


_____
Lupus SLE, Bi-Polar (diag 2001)
Drugs: Plaquenil, Propranolol, Xanax, Prednisone, Lamictal, Synthroid
OTC/Natureopathic: Bayer Aspirin, Advil, Omega3, B-complex, C, Acidolphulus, Calcium (magnesium & zinc), Vitamin D drops and Juice-PLUS


dnvrsangel
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/23/2010 4:59 PM (GMT -7)   

Dearest GettingBy and Harrington,

Thank you sooo much for taking the time to respond -- and with such great thoughts and ideas.  I contacted Hospice and am considering doing some of their bereavement sessions.  It truly cannot make things worse (smile).

I hope that you know that it is with a very grateful and humbled heart that I feel your words were a guidance from above -- and I feel blessed.

(((( HUGS ))))  to both of you.

 

Patty

 

 


A smile means everything to the one who receives it.
 


_____
Lupus SLE, Bi-Polar (diag 2001)
Drugs: Plaquenil, Propranolol, Xanax, Prednisone, Lamictal, Synthroid
OTC/Natureopathic: Bayer Aspirin, Advil, Omega3, B-complex, C, Acidolphulus, Calcium (magnesium & zinc), Vitamin D drops and Juice-PLUS


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 6/23/2010 6:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Patty,

And hugs to you and Mogli too.

And know that my thoughts and prayers are with both of you...

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/23/2010 10:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Patty

Thank you and my prayers are also with you and Mogli too. I hope each day you get stronger.
Harrington49

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