very confused. :(

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laurie90
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/22/2010 11:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Alright im not sure where to start, because there is just so much going on at the moment.
I am currently trying to sit uni exams, and i literally cant concentrate because i am just so emotionally exhausted from everthing that is going on at the moment. I'll just start from the beginning?
When i was a kid, my dad moved out and the only time i would see him, was when he came back to take my brother to sport on the weekend. i am the oldest of four, and as a child was constantly told i was a waste of space, time and money. good grades werent enough because i could have done better. i was very sheltered, and didnt have many friends. i was never allowed to socialise or go anywhere aside from school and my many various after school activities. i felt i had to protect my younger siblings from the world, and when my parents told them that they werent worth anything either, i felt like i had failed. needless to say, i didnt have much self esteem.
then i met my friend, who was going through the same things as me. it started to get better as i had someone to confide in. but then things got worse with her, and i did everything i could to make her happy. i took on everything she gave me, because all i wanted was to make her okay and smile. thats my role. i take things for other people. i would prefer to suffer than someone else. i put myself out for her, and became her everything. she was seeing a psychologist as things became too much. then one day i got a call from her family telling me she had passed on. and it was because she wanted to. i was absolutely a mess, and this is where all mu trust problems began. i saw a psychologist for a few years, and thought i had dealt with everything. i didnt blame myself anymore, and i realised i couldnt have done more than i did. i honestly thought i was going to be okay, but everything that was left, was my inability to be close to anyone and not trust anyone again.
this was 5 years ago.
what i am trying to deal with now, is the fact that i have let 2 people into my life.
one, who i have known since school, and i am almost in the same situation agaiin. she is started taking drugs when she was younger, and is now so addicted to them she isnt a person anymore. she only went to the doctor because o forced her, and she is just wasting her entire life. i dont know what to do anymore. i am really the only person who cares because my other friends are telling her to 'live while you are young'. ive had to do all her uni assignments for her this year, and she wont go and seek help unless i drag her there. she wont listen to me, and i cant lose someone i care about so much again. its really playing on my mind.
the other, is a guy i met at uni last year. we have connected on a level that i never saw as possible. he is the only person in the world who knows everything about my past. he is really the only person i trust completely. we were seeing eachother for a little while but he broke it off. that hurt, but not as much as the reasons behind why. i know i have alot on my plate, and i realise i expect too much sometimes. but he just walked away. when he knew, how much i need stability. i know i should have probably opened up to other people, and not burdened everything on him. he has his own stuff to deal with, but will never accept my help. he is my best friend, and he has no idea that what he had done, brought up everything else with my friend. the abandonment, lonliness, and complete emptiness.
ironically, he then came back into my life, and helped me fix all of that. i have recently finally been able to let go of my friend and start to move on with my life, he gave me hope, confidence, the ability to fight again. i do not understand why i trust and love him so much, but i do. and he said i was the one person in the world he trusted aswell, and that he loved me aswell.
but in the last month, he left again. andnothing has been the same since. all i want is for it to go back. we randomly talk but not like we used to. it is completely stressing me out because i feel myself becoming unhappy again. i dont know what to do about either situation.
all i know is that i cant do it alone anymore, and there isnt anyone else that i trust enough to tell the entire thing to. because it really is too much.
Thankyou for any help you are able to provide.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 6/23/2010 2:44 AM (GMT -7)   
hi laurie90. jamie here, male, 37.
 
first i am sorry that your mate has passed on. second, i am glad that your bf helped you to help your mate. i totally understand that need to not let her suffer-in the ways you did. i feel it is time 4 you to help you. and your bf's diappearing act, do you know why he is doing it? i feel some counselling will be of great benefit to you, can your school help-mentor/counsellor. uni is tough, and i do not want your grades to suffer, it did me, badly. please know that we are one big family here, also you have been brave in posting, you matter, you are a precious being of this earth, with gifts and talents unique only to you. keep posting. sending compassionate healings your way. ps, what are you studying? jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/23/2010 3:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Laurie

Welcome to the Depression Forum, you are very brave to come on here and tell us your story, but the people on here are very caring and compassionate and you will find that you are amongst friends on this site.

I think right from the start your shoulders have been burdened with a lot of responsibility and that is all you know, it seems to me that when one lot of responsibility isn't your's anymore, you go looking for more to take on. You can only help your drug addicted friend so much, she has to want to help herself as well. I am sorry for the friend who has passed away.

Your boyfriend, to me, sounds like he loves you and wants to be with you but there is just too much stress for him to handle along with his own issues that you spoke about. Laurie, can you go and see a psychologist yourself? I think you would really reap the benefits as you are so deeply troubled with all this responsibility.

I think you should try and take baby steps, don't try and solve all of the problems of the world, take it easy and think of yourself for once, the others can look after themselves. Your parents were really cruel and hard to say that to you and also to your siblings, because unfortunately things that are said to us when we are young, stick in our minds for the rest of our lives, we probably forgive but we never forget, that is human nature.

Laurie, see if you can talk to your doctor and ask to be referred to a mental health professional. Please keep posting and let us know how you are going.
Harrington49


laurie90
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/23/2010 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thankyou for replying :) that actually makes me feel a little better.
they guy isnt my boyfriend, he is my bestfriend, and we were together for a little while but not anymore. im still trying to deal with that. because thats huge for me. allowing someone in so far, and then having them leave.
um jaimee, he said that im too much. that he cant cope with mine and his stuff. which i understnad and is fair enough.
he truly believes that he is meant to be alone in the world. he like me, just wants to help other people not get hurt. but with everything thats going on with him, and me, he cant do both. and at one point it just got too much, because he takes on everyones burdons as his own, and theperson he snapped at was me. i fully appreciate that he cant do that, but i never meant it to happen. i think i was just so afraid of losing him that i heald on too tight. he also can not stand my other friend, as even though she is one of mu cosest friends, she has in her own way hurt me extremely badly. he cant understand how i can forgive people who walk all over me.
the one thing i cant comprehend, is that knowing all of this, he just left. and hes the one who told me not to throw everything away. when he did just that. im not sure whats happening now, but its not the same as it used to be. and its killing me to think it was my fault for suffocating him with all my own insecurities. but, i still stand up at the end of the day and play my own role.
I cant afford to see a psycologist anymore, but i have rung the uni to book an appointment with the councellor. i am just not comefortable talking to people about everything, or having to tell someone face to face again what has happened. i dont like people seeing me cry as i have to be strong. i guess its just the way im programmed.
i realise i have to take care of me, but im also afraid that when i do that, ill be letting someone down. i never want to be the one who abandons someone else. because i know what it feels like.
i will try to go to the councellor.
thankyou for listening :)

myjoy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 6/23/2010 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry for your the way you were treated in your childhood. You trying to take care of everybody has much to do with that. We do have some silmilarities.

What I would suggest to you, along with seeing the uni counselor, is to find some Al-anon meetings in your area. (Look it up on the net). These meetings are free, and for anyone who has a friend or relative who is an alcoholic or on drugs. You will find very caring people there who understand your situation. You can go to as many meetings as you want, whenever you need to. You can cry your eyes out, and tell your story, and no one bats an eye. These meetings are annonymous, and no one is allowed to repeat anything from the meetings. It's a wonderful family. I hope you give it a try.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, osteoarthritis, obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.

fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 6/23/2010 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
laurie, thank-you for sharing.
 
PS. I WOULD PRINT OF YOUR POST AND TAKE IT TO THE COUNSELLOR. you are a good soul, and a smart one. i firmly beleive that you will get through this. your sharing and self-actualisation shows that you are a very empathetic person. now it is time for you to heal, and regain life. or as us aussies say,'to take life by the balls'!!!! with compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


laurie90
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/23/2010 6:49 AM (GMT -7)   
alright i will have a look for those meetings, they sound like a good idea. i will try it.
and printing it out is a good idea. :)
ill give it a go.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 6/23/2010 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
idea   idea idea idea idea idea jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 6/23/2010 7:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Laurie,

You have gotten some very good advice. I just want to add how important it is to take care of you. We help others in this world. But when it starts to effect us, it is time to step back and let the other person solve their own problems. It is hard I know, but they have to try or else they are never going to make it in this world. And we have to let them. Kind of like when a mother has to let her child go out into the world for the first time. It is called tough love.

You are going to make it because you are trying to help yourself. You are a wonderful kind person. And the world is lucky to have you.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


laurie90
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/25/2010 6:52 AM (GMT -7)   
this week has been so stressful. ive had uni exams, and ive really been down about alot of things that have happened recently. and today, my friend who i was talking about before who is addicted to drugs, finally went and took some initiative and went and got her scans done. i was so proud of her for going, and i didnt have to remind her, she just went with me and she was the one who reminded me. so that was great!
its a huge step for her, and she made the choice to remember. it really makes me feel so proud that she has finally decided to take this seriously. i know she made that decision by herself and i could not be happier for her for deciding to try to turn her life out.
my other friend however, today pretty much told me that he needed to live his own life for a while, via text message of all things.
needless to say i am absolutely devistated, and can not even find it in myself to reply. i have nothing to say. he knows how much someone walking away affestc me, and for him of all people to be the one to do it? i dont even know where to begin because i cant even describe how im feeling. im lucky, because ive had some friends to talk to, and just be there to let me cry, but it doesnt seem to be enough. because i cant shake this at all. usually i can calm myself down, but at the moment all i can manage to do is remind myself to breathe.
trying to feel two extremes at once, is making me numb. i dont know how to deal with both.
thankyou for all your advise aswell. :)
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