Hey everyone, been down in a hole.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

-Misunderstood-
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 6/23/2010 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey all, I haven't posted in a while now so I figured I should. I got on the Vyvanse not long ago and that has been helping with some things. I have a little more motivation and focus now...but some of my problems can't be changed by that. I went to a surgeon finally last week to check on what I was thinking was a hernia. When I had the appointment he said that he could not definitively say that it was actually a hernia, so I need to go get another CAT scan done and see him again in a month. He said it may just be a bad pulled a sprained muscle, which can take months and months to heal. Now I don't even know whats wrong with all that or how long it will be until it is resolved. I have a 1 week long medieval event in Pennsylvania in early August, so if this whole deal goes on and on then I will not be able to do that(there is a great deal of walking involved). I missed last years Pennsic and I would absolutely hate to miss two in a row.

Also my back and neck have been getting me down pretty much constantly, pain that doesn't lessen ends up making you feel like no matter what is happening, it is all bad. The never ending discomfort is like a belt sander on my brain. Uncertainty, pain, stress, hopelessness...they all weigh on me every day. I try to be happy, sometimes I succeed for a short time...but it usually isn't much longer than a good occasion will last.

With all the things in my life that I have identified, some resolved, some being worked on...there still seem to be a few that do not have a solution as such. They are problems that just are, there is no answer to find because there IS no answer. I connect with no one...no ones gets me, other people just frustrate me. I have been devastatingly alone for all the years I can remember. I have had family and some close friends...but even those who are closest to me really aren't as close as one would think...and I'm sorry to say, that even applies to family. My most close friends and family members only get, at most, 3/4 of who I am. I have learned to hold in many of my thoughts, I am extremely introverted...but half of it is real introversion and half of it is that I have learned to keep to myself because I have so little relation with others, it is safer that way. The only solution I see for this situation seems as improbably as finding a needle in a stack of haystacks. I have at times thought I found that understanding...only to have it taken away or be revealed for what it truly is. It all reminds me of an Albert Einstein quote that I found very....familiar.

“When I was still a rather precocious young man, I already realized most vividly the futility of the hopes and aspirations that most men pursue throughout their lives.” - Albert Einstein

I find that so many of his quotes seem like reciprocation's of my own thoughts...and ones like this are of a somewhat depressing nature, but true is true. I'm not 100% without hope because God can do anything, and if He sees fit for me to be blessed with the things I want most in my life, then so be it. If not though, that is what will be and I must resign myself completely to the same conclusion that our old friend Al did.

So when I sit and consider even small parts of all of these things, I begin to get depressed. If I ever slip up and allow myself the lucidity to consider them all...I feel like I literally have a 400 lb guy sitting on my chest, it's just overwhelming. The only way I can deal with all these things is with the help of God. With that, and with my realizations about my problems, I do find some solace...but my human nature keeps bringing me back to the negative. Maybe I am just not meant to have anything that would make me happy myself...maybe my reason for being here is to simply help others with my gifts and I am just being a self-centered ass for lamenting my personal losses and lackings. I often feel as if I have nothing, my health, money, home situation, relation situation, never ending loneliness...and it is the worst kind where I don't even let on that I am...I just suffer in silence.



Christian

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 6/23/2010 12:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christian,

I think we all do that from time to time, suffer in silence. Sometimes there is just nobody that we feel that we can reach out to. That is why I like this forum so much. We can say how we really feel here and we know that others understand.

A long time ago there was this old woman who said "If you don't like your situation in life, change your attitude". In my mind that meant to change your way of thinking. And that is what works for me. I try not to let things bother me. I try not to ask so many questions of life. I just take it as it comes. Mind you, I go from day to day just existing most of the time. I make no plans other than doctor appointments and grocery shopping. I walk my dogs, and visit friends once in a while. I have no demands on me of any sort. Other than to take care of myself. But I prod along with the rest of the world.

I know that you have things in life that you have to do. You have to study, you have bills to pay. But you are doing it. I admire the field that you are getting into. I myself should have gotten into social work of some sort. I seem to have a knack for understanding people. People come to me with problems and ask me my opinion or what I would do in their situation as if I know the right answer. I try to put myself in their place but still look at it with an objective eye. It is often not easy to tell somebody something that they might not want to hear. But I do it. I don't know why I am saying all of this. I guess it is because that is where my mind went. But what you are doing is a wonderful thing for others. We all need somebody who understands and can help us to feel better about ourselves. I hope that you do well and I hope that you feel better. Now that I have rambled on on your thread.

Keep posting Christian, you are a wonderful asset to this forum.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 6/24/2010 2:53 AM (GMT -7)   
christian, to find happiness, and you-you need to look inwards. isolation of yourself is a punishing tool. i hope you continue your growth and find happiness, and you. with compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/24/2010 4:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christian

I too think you are a wonderful asset to this forum. You give such good involved answers, far better than I could ever give and the way you phrase sentences and the words you use, it is so obvious that you are really well educated, am I right?

I think the career path you have chosen was just there waiting for you to follow it, good luck my friend I hope you find happiness within yourself soon, you are a good person and a great human being.

You'll be in my prayers tonight and keep posting.
Harrington49


-Misunderstood-
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 6/25/2010 2:45 AM (GMT -7)   
I do appreciate the kindnesses, and I am happy to hear that I am actually helpful here. I too hope and wish that I could find the happiness, that I think all people seek, within myself. As I said in the last message I am and have been lonely and without a intellectual partner for all my life. When I think about that, and the fact that I will most likely stay in such a situation...I immediately become extremely distraught at the thought of continuing as I am for the rest of my life. My inner thinking and faith in God though tells me that I should not base my happiness on worldly situations...but being cornered in a life if solitude and self thought, as much as I know that with God I should be able to, it seems like the world is ending. I know that I very well may be, but thinking of actually staying within this solitude is like finding out that I have only a short time to live. If I can never share myself truly with a partner....I don't know how much motivation for life I can continue to muster. I do believe I have many gifts, some for helping others, some in intellectual pursuits...but in my selfish mind it seems like a life of horrible sadness. Some amount of joy can be gained from helping others...but not being able to do anything that you suggest to others for yourself....I don't know. As you can tell I have quite extreme ups and downs, I can be positive and helpful one day and crushed the next....I can even be crushed and still give positive advice, just that I myself am leagues away from achieving what I suggest. I have come to conclusions about general society in this day and age, the lack of substance and individuality in most people...I just don't know if I can handle the rest of my life alone. I don't know if there is anyone in this world that will truly feel in the same way that I desperately wish to feel for another. The word "love" is so overused and driven into the dirt that it almost means nothing in relationships. I understand the true meaning...and seemingly only to my personal detriment. I was truly in love with this girl Amber, my first real love, I would have taken any job to support her, dug any ditch, taken on any hardship to be there for her. In my mind I was imagining growing old, having real happiness at last. When she told me she needed time/space and wanted for us to cool down some...even though it was like someone asking me to cut off my right arm, I said ok. I talked with her, found that it was really what she wanted....and even though all I could think about was growing old with her...I did as she was wanting and gave her the space she needed to find another guy. If that is not love, or pure insanity (which very well may be the same thing), I don't know what is.

I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time, every day. Every day I have to deal with myself, my feelings, my solitude, my desperate need to find that connection.......all amounting to absolutely nothing besides frustration, disappointment, and melancholy. The only bit of real satisfaction that I can find in life is to simply be able to give others the reassurance and comfort that I myself lack. Were I not a Christian person, I might venture to think you would have to edit some parts out of these messages due to the self injury rules. I guess that is an example of where I am. Were I to not know that Jesus Christ died for my sins and that taking my life is wrong, I really don't know what I would do. So being stuck here, stuck in myself, stuck in this day and age, stuck in my situations and problems....I feel like finding a hole and never coming out...building a shack in the woods and living out my disconnected destitute life as a hermit, without burdening others with my problems(which is kinda what I am doing right now *sigh*). I don't know if there are answers, if I really am to live out my years in personal torment...so I kinda feel bad writing this post because I feel as if I am just ranting on about my woes. I think I should probably just stop here so that I do not continue to pointlessly spew my mental pains. I love this board and you all....but times like this (which are basically all the time) I feel as if I am just burdening you all with my insanities which have no real solutions. I do have gifts in my different abilities, and I will use them as best I can to help others because that, I think, is my only purpose in this world...it just is not an easy thing to keep doing.


Alone,
Christian

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 6/25/2010 7:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christian,

You are in no way a burden to the forum. So get that one out of your head. We are here to help you as much as we can. You are very insightful and give wonderful advice. So I am going to give you my same ole, same ole. Take life one day at a time. Do not worry about what the future holds, it will work itself out. And you will find the right lady for you. It just takes time and happens when you least expect it.

So keep your chin up. Keep posting, whether it be advice or venting. We are all here for you!!!

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/25/2010 8:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Misundersrood...
Your post reminds me of a quote by Stephan King (a rather unusal one considering the source):
 
" That's the worst, I think.  When the words stay locked within not for the want of a teller, but for the want of an understanding ear."
 
I hope you are able to unlock your words.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polar I; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


neverbetter
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 6/26/2010 8:02 PM (GMT -7)   
My Dear Friend,
 
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way about your life, if it counts for anything.  Like Karen said, don't ever feel like you're burdening us by posting your thoughts on here- we aren't going to judge you, and we are here to help you, no matter what the case.
 
I think sometimes, because you're so rational and smart, your brain makes you overanalyze situations and makes you come to these hopeless thoughts toward your social and spiritual life.  You just have to remember to try and urge it to stop speeding into the future, and not consider trying to control the future.  Believe it or not, you're young! You're only in your 20s, and some people are still even in college at the point that you're at! You have plenty of time to find someone who understands you, so long as you're open to what God brings to you, and so long as you never EVER give up hope.
 
We cannot control the future.  We can't make someone be there for us, and we can't look through the entire planet to comb out the one person that is completely in sync with our needs and wants.  We're weak... We're human.  That's why we have to put our trust in the higher power, and trust that He has a plan for us.  There's a reason for your suffering- it may not seem like it now, and you might not ever discover this reason, but I promise you that one day, in this world or the next, leagues beyond what our deepest thinking can imagine, you WILL be rewarded, and you WILL be happy.  But you have to pull through these tough times, and cannot give up.  You have to have the strength to succeed, and the strength to have faith no matter what the price. 
 
Look, I know how it feels to be alone.  I know how even the connections you have made with people in your life don't feel complete.  I know how much you just need someone to understand you, and be able to reach your thought processes.  I know the feeling of wanting to crawl away and never return to our social world, because the point of all the suffering never seems to come clear.  But we aren't the only ones that feel like that.  Countless others, whether they show it or not, share our loneliness, and share our pain, but, like us, cannot publicly express this for the fear of rejection or judgement. 
 
Please, please, don't take away this gift of life that God has given to you with purpose.  Please resist the temptation, for your sake, for your eternal soul's sake, and for the people's lives you impacted- lives that would be crushed without you.  You are special, and God gave you a purpose.  Speak to Him.  open up your heart to Him.  Accept the fact that your life is almost entirely out of your hands, and trust that He will find a place of happiness for you. 
 
Christian, you've made it through your entire life with this suffering.  I know it's soo hard to keep going on, but something will come out good in the end.  Don't isolate yourself yet- you have to give time a chance to work for you.  Just hold on, one day, alone or not alone, you will find happiness, and realize that all of the suffering is worth it.  Just hold on. 
 
All the best, and hope to hear from you soon.  Prayers and healing to you, always.

-Misunderstood-
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 6/28/2010 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for reading and responding so kindly. I do have to say, horse crazy, that you may have introduced me to one of my newest favorite quotes. I too hope that one day I can find what is needed to unlock my words, thank you for sharing that.

I most certainly do overanylyze things to some degree. I've never really noticed how much I do look into the future like that...but I guess it makes a fair bit of sense in that my mind usually runs with a thought and takes it forward a number of steps past the present. I do know that I am only 25...but I feel so much more. The odd thing is that it is not just that I feel old in my mind (which I do), but it is also physically in a number of ways (am young but can't lift heavy stuff anymore, it hurts to simply look down to do 10 minutes of paperwork). I really feel like I'm 50. You are right though neverbetter in that I can not and should not venture to guess what God has in store for me...I guess that is just my feelings of hopelessness.

Also to just reassure, I'd never do something so rash that I wouldn't even have the ability to regret it. I wouldn't ever do that for the reasons given in the last message, the same reasons that no one ever should. I do though feel like going away though. If I'm going to be around people and be disconnected as I am...why not actually be physically disconnected. At times I think it would be far more enjoyable and less stressful to, as the quote horse crazy shared, keep my words locked in for my own want, not for the fact that I am surrounded by those unable to hear. I then always consider my place here on the forum, my place helping those around me in my life, and all the possible places I am to be in the future that He has for me. As dismal, empty, and without hope as I may feel, I know it may not actually be that bad...but there is always the part that thinks that it might be. I need to give myself up to God in a way I have never done, I am screwed in this life on my own and under my own direction/power. The only chance I have is to pray that God's Will somewhat coincides with what I feel I need, that I am able to find some form of happiness. Realize that I have been given gifts that are there not for just my personal gain and happiness, that I am to help other people...if that is all I have, all I am given, then I guess I'll just take that and drift out at sea until I hit dry land. If dry land for me is in heaven, then that is something of which I have no influence on.

Ugh, sometimes I think I'm nuts. When I first posted this thread I was so down, so depressed. I tossed it all out there, asked questions...and truthfully I knew the answers. I always have this little voice in my head that tells me the things I least want to hear about myself, the truth no matter how much I'd normally not want to hear it from others, no matter how much it hurts. When given a chance to help people and suggest possibilities for problems, it just comes, the solutions seem like they practically give themselves...yet I struggle myself daily with issues that I would easily be able to come up with solutions for had someone else posed the problem to me. I can give advice while at the same time being unable to follow so much of it myself...at times I feel as if I'm a no more than a hypocrite. I'll stop ranting now, I guess I kinda ended up doing something like I did the first time *sigh*. Thank you all for being here for me...at least I am not completely alone.


Christian

Post Edited (-Misunderstood-) : 6/30/2010 9:16:58 PM (GMT-6)


-Misunderstood-
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 6/28/2010 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   
-----------> see rosea thread

-Misunderstood-
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 6/30/2010 6:02 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't know anymore, I hear "take one day at a time"...but truthfully to me that seems more like a horrible Groundhog's Day type scenario if every day is as empty as the last, if that is the case then it doesn't seem terribly effective anymore, somewhat like a nightmare. The unfortunate thing is that looking ahead is just as bad, except at least I can expect it, see it coming, and resign myself to it. I know that probably sounds terribly negative...and well hell I guess it is, but I'm not so sure that my waking up every day and living each day with these hopes, the vaguest possibilities of happiness, is at all better than waking up and knowing my solitude and expecting little else...at least then the few blink of an eye moments of some happiness are just a bonus, more than I was expecting.

I put "see rosea thread" in the post above this one because I had posted what was a short goodbye. I am pretty torn up right now and I don't know if I am done or not...I don't feel like I have the right to counsel anyone. I feel as if what I have to say is hal****ed and worthless. There is definite consideration of receding back into myself, pull back from everyone and everything that is outside of my sphere of interest. I am positive that is what I want to do. This place is the only thing keeping that from happening, and just barely. The night that I left that short message in the Rhodiola Rosea thread I almost quite entirely, but something brought me back for at least this mesage. I will be ending the post the same way it started...I don't know anymore.


Christian

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 6/30/2010 6:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christian,

Don't quit posting just because you are down right now. We are here for you just like we are for everybody else. You are just as important whether you are feeling good or bad.

I often tell people to take life one day at a time because that has helped me. But mainly because people have a tendancy to worry about the future when they should be focussing on today.

I am sorry that you are feeling bad. This is a normal part of depression and sometimes it feels like it is never going to get better, but it does.

How are you doing on medications? Or do you take any? What about counseling? Are you seeing anybody right now? It might be a good idea to talk to a professional at this point in time.

I know that when we are down, the future looks so bleak. But don't let it get you. Keep pushing on. You are a strong willed person Christian and I hate to see you going down with the ship. You can rise above this. And we will help you. We are all here for you. Please know that. And we want to help you as much as we can.

Do keep posting. Know that you don't always have to be strong and giving advice. You are human. We all are, and we all suffer from depression at one time or another. You are not alone in this.

Take care my friend. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 6/30/2010 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
not alone, never alone. pls stay. jamie. post back in your own time. just let us know that you are okay. with compassion, jamie
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, December 09, 2016 6:36 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,265 posts in 301,287 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151394 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, haggis.
281 Guest(s), 10 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Lyme Yes or No ?, paul hutchins, at20148, VeryLuckyGirl, Paxton, Huddie, Dmc695, hanginin, haggis, Not-there-yet


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer