Hi there Behindcloseddoors...in reading your posts I very much identify with many of your situations. I have had various parental issues ranging from dealing with addiction problems to the horrible depression that my mother has been dealing with. It had gotten to the point, a long time ago, where I basically have taken on the social role of caretaker/parent. It is a very difficult thing to deal with, to realize the lacking of ones own parents (who are supposed to be invincible).
As far as the self image thing goes, I am not the normal person as most would see. I have very long hair, I was heavier in middle school (which I was taunted for), and when I reached high school I was the quiet/scary/long haired guy but only because no one would talk to me and I was certainly not about
to approach them. These problems from our past, from school, from an unhealthy self image...you just need to realize they are wrong. At some point a worry goes from realistic and possible to a far fetched paranoia, the trick is noticing when that happens. I had quiet a bad self image, very very little confidence...but as I am older now I realize that I am not as unattractive as I thought (and I am guessing that you also can come to this realization about
yourself), hehe years change quite a lot.
I also ended up dabbling in a number of what would be considered "destructive crowds", people who rebelled, caused trouble, were smokers (not cigs), drank and partied. I found some amount of relief involving myself in some of those pursuits...but I know it is only a distraction. As much as some of it might or does help the symptoms of a person's unhappiness, they most certainly do not address the source. Over the years I extracted myself from the random stupid trouble makers and unfocused rebels, both being entirely pointless. I think people like us are drawn to them initially but the fact is that you were probably in those crowds for completely different reasons than most of them were.
On the subject of looking for help, hehe I also happen to be in the exact same frame of mind. I have always thought to myself that I do not have problems of that kind, problems that need "help". I had fought against the reality for a long time, fought against my lack of focus, fought against my ever deepening sadness...but all that does is allow you to sink further. At least in my realizations I am beginning a new understanding of myself, might not be solving some of them...but at least I am getting a more clear picture, and that is better than nothing.
One thing you can most certainly be thankful for is your boyfriend...having someone that will be there for you and listen to you is such a wonderful gift...dealing with it on your own would probably be quite a bit more painful, I would know. Also do not worry about
your intelligence, from what I have read I am pretty sure you do not have much to worry about
in that department. Realize that you do not need to be any smaller, for your height and weight I'd say you are about
perfect :). And although it is difficult, try to put the issues with your parents that happened in the past exactly there, in the past. Being out of your parents house and not being directly faced with those frustrations and problems gives you the chance to start to recover from them. Sometimes a time of distance can allow both parties to realize the reality of the situation, on their part to realize their wrongdoings, and your part to forgive them their wrongdoings and stitch the wounds. I will stop here because I think I may be starting to rant, lol. I hope that I have been able to help in some small way, just remember that you are beautiful, you are smart (I can tell from your writing), and the thing that needs changing is simply your unhealthy view of yourself. Keep on posting if you'd like and I will reply, your post very much reminded me of myself and I would be more than happy if I could help.
Post Edited (-Misunderstood-) : 6/25/2010 4:25:24 AM (GMT-6)