Hi Terri, I know exactly what you're going through. I have been married for 12 yrs., have two wonderful kids, but find myself depressed every day. My oldest is always butting heads with his father. I feel like a referee, and think I actually have 3 kids not 2. My husband also has a good heart and means well, I think we are just on different pages.Naturally everything is my fault in the marriage. I also believe he is in denial that I would go forward and file, but I don't know how much longer I can continue like this.I depend on him financially too. I do work parttime,my most of my earnings go to the therapist , meds. or gas to cart the kids around. Everytime I am on my way home I get depressed and cry. The atmoshpere in which I live is very ugly. I take responsibility for some of the shortcomings of the marriage but he has also contributed. We never communicate unless we have to and when we do it is always in the form of arguing. I have been considering divorce for quite some time. Met with a couple of lawyers to get an idea of costs etc., that was 4 months ago. Can't bring myself to uproute the kids. Cannot afford to stay where we currently are. The thought of transferring the kids to another school system also tears me apart.
I believe I have done all that I can to control my emotions but to no avail. I have tried a therapist, several meds. and went to a program to learn CBT. However, I still can't get out of this rut. This has been ongoing for a long time. Before x-mas I experienced anxiety which freaked me out. I had such pain in my chest, neck and shoulders, I couldn't concentrate on anything. It did have an impact on my performance at work too. Fortunatly my boss was very patient.
This illness is so overwhelming. I don't understand how it can bring me down like it does. I am so grateful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, healthy kids, etc., but it is hard to get out of that black hole at times.
It has helped tremendously to vent.Thank-you. It is somewhat of a relief to know that other people experience this too.I have a great family to support me, but unless you go through this I don't think you can fully understand what the person is dealing with.
When you're at your worst, try to remember you are not alone! I hope things will get better for you.
Terri (and yes, you too Laine)
I'm sure you believe in taking the car to the garage if you hear the exhaust grumbling, cleaning your house windows if they are dirty, fixing a leak in the roof or clearing out the gutters....well, there's no point in beating yourself up over the fact that you need to vent and can't be all things to all people, everybody deserves a bit of downtime to get some maintenance done ! You're absolutely right to allow yourself a little time off from working to destress in your hour of need...it's an investment in yourself. (He that is ill to himself is no good to anybody.)
It sounds to me like you guys are struggling on under enormously difficult circumstances, and you need to give yourselves more credit. Me, I've never been married, never raised kids.... never even qualified for the racetrack you guys are trying to jump the hurdles on.
You can only be responsible for your mistakes, not for everybody else's. You'd give them the credit for their achievements, wouldn't you ? Well, being able to admit that they screw up is the flip side of that coin, and letting them know it when they do is as important as giving them praise. (You could try a book called "Psychocybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz, M.D. if you want some more in-depth ideas on how people adjust their ideas and attitudes.)
The " I feel [this way] because you say [something] which makes me think you [have an attitude]" recipe is a great way of dealing with misunderstandings...amongst strangers and work colleagues. It's hell to train your family to do though ! (Particularly us men, I'm afraid. And even more, if it's like father, like son... Constructive Criticisms'R'Not Us !)
Thanks Snohare -
The problem is, I know my answer...but am not ready to give into it yet. Maybe I didn't say that right. I still love him, but I don't think he is good for me, or I'm not convinced that he is. I need to work through some issues because I've messed up before and I need to understand what happened and what to do next time. I am learning alot. Some days though I feel like throwing it all away and giving up. Dying seems so easy sometimes. I know its not as easy as it seems at the time, but even so...Well, I'm being called to parenthood downstairs..Gotta go. Laine - Snohare does have some good ideas...
Talk to you later..
Who Am I?
I am a girl whose mother gave her up for a man
A girl who who no one wanted
I am a girl who always tried to exceed expectations
To not be abandoned
I am a girl who will never forget the violence
Violence from a man who said he loved her
Who said she made him angry
I am a girl who always thought she was a survivor
Would always remember and have strength
Who would take care of her family
Love them and not leave them
I am woman who wants to feel worthy,
Smart, loving and kind
Who wants to feel strong again Not hurt herself
Be confident, admirable, and considerate
I am a woman longing for the day
When sadness no longer surrounds her
A day when she can let go of the pain
Live in the present
Look forward to the future
I am a woman who wants to love and be loved
Without pain, anger or violence
Not be abandoned
And be happy
no need to apologize, there was no offense taken. Actually, I really appreciate your inspiriational words and your kindness. You hit the nail on the head. There is no trust what-so-ever in the relationship. Yet I am frieghtened to proceed any further. To afraid of the unknown, yet the wounds throughout the years have never healed.
Thanks for taking the time to correspond it means a great deal.
did you write "who am I"? WOW! Very powerful and moving. Can't find the words to describe how much of an impact it has had on me. Thanks for sharing it.
Hope you are having a good day!
You all make me smile. I had a really tough day yesterday and am feeling it today. My son thought my husband had broke his paintball gun in an effort to load the Co2. They got into it and I had to separate them. My husband went for a walk while I was talking to my son who could not let go of the "fact in his head" that his dad had broke his new favorite toy. I guess my husband didn't walk far because our conversation disturbed him more and he burst the front door open, pounding on the door and walls. I told him he had to stop or leave. (This is the first time I have had the guts to tell him). He stopped. I took my son out for a walk and sent him out with his friends to talk about it and cool off.
They are doing better. My husband of course is sorry. And I am left with the residual.
Somehow out of all of this good things will happen.
Keep writing. Please. It helps so much.