She's killing me,and can't even see it.

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rabbkey
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/27/2010 4:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't know what to do anymore.I have been in a very committed relationship for over 8 yrs. And I love her so much,but she is killing me.She has O.C.D
and I am convinced she also has M.P.D because she has that Dr.Jeckel and Mr. Hide personality. But anyway I really need to get some advice on what to do or how to handle the situation.She wants to have me all to herself. She wants to be the only one in my life.It can not be that way.I have 2 kids,granted they are both grown adults now,but She gets mad,upset,jealous and annoyed if I do anything with my family...So I keep my family business separate from her.(we do not live together,she would drive me to drink if we did) But now there is a really major problem going on.I am 43 and since I was a 6yrs old little girl,I had this one celebrity I have idolized. And in 2008 through a company I am with I met my life long idol...And we hit it off and became personal friends...When She comes to town we make plans to see each other And once a year I go see her. My girlfriend is really going insane over it...She will look to start fights with me over the phone,just to put me in a bad mood,and ruin my day with my friend,every time I am with My friend my girlfriend all of a sudden gets ill and has chest pains and is afraid she's having a heart attack,and wants me to end my visit with my friend and come running to her aid.but is all of a sudden cured once I get there....I had figured out it was a mind game just to get me to herself under her claws....so now I don't drop and go running and cut my visits with my friend short anymore.Which is making my girlfriend a mad woman. She will criticize my friend to make me mad,and remark about her money,she's even called my kids names just to hurt me. If My friend and I want to go somewhere my girlfriend will get all nuts and tell me no I can't go with my friend cause she wants me to go with her.....But she never takes me anywhere.....except once in a blue moon,but we have to do what my girlfriend wants to do,never anything I want to do....I just don't know what to do anymore,I have told my girlfriend she needs help and I wanted her to see a therapist,she refuses,I told her we need relationship counseling she said no.
she tells me she is not going to change,that people can't change,this is who she is.....I can't do anything right,I can't do anything without being afraid that she is gong to go off on me.....If I decide to stay up all night and watch T.V I am afraid to tell her because I am criticized and told I am not "Normal" normal people sleep at night.And get scolded for hours like a child. What I really feel like doing is telling her I stay up all night because that is the only time I get any peace from her.....I am disabled with fibromylgia,and had broke my back.and many other health issues,so I can not work so am home all day,she only works 2 days a week,so all day every day she calls me,in a 12hr. time slot she must call me at least 9 times.I get no time for myself.I tell her how I feel and it's like I am talking to myself,she doesn't hear anything I ever say....and the kicker is her own Mother has said to her that she doesn't know how I put up with her B.S. that I have to be a saint. My problem is I deeply and truly Love her,I don't want to give up on her or us,I want it to work,but I can't fix this alone,and she is not willing to make an effort to help. Do I tell her If she doesn't seek help and get on meds if needed than I am leaving her,or do I just throw in the towel and say good-bye and walk away? please Help!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 6/27/2010 4:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rabbkey,

Welcome to the HealingWell depression forum. I am very happy that you have joined us.

It may take a rude awakening for her to see what she is doing to your relationship. She is insecure and jealous. Both of which are hard to live with. You may have to throw in the towel so to speak to get her to get some help. If you threaten her with leaving the relationship unless she gets help, she may give it a try. She will learn a lot about herself that she doesn't like, but hopefully that will help her to change.

I couldn't myself live with that. I don't know how you do it. You have to have a life and she needs one too. I would continue to suggest counseling and if she doesn't go, I would test the waters and see if an ultimatum would help. As long as you put up with her bs, you aren't going to be happy. She could be happy with help, so I would make her do it.

Best wishes to you. I hope that things work out between the two of you.

Hugs, Karen

PS I deleted your other post as they both said the same thing.


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/27/2010 6:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rabkey

I too don't know how you stand it, I would feel smothered, like she is checking everything you do, you deserve better than that and if it were me I would break up. Sorry to be so blunt but I think you have tried every avenue open to you. She won't help herself or your relationship, she just wants it all her way or no way. So I would be saying "See ya later".

She is a very insecure person if she is jealous of your adult children, that should trigger something in your mind ,start asking yourself questions like is this the woman I want to be with? Again sorry for being so blunt.

I hope whatever you decide to do works out, good luck. I hope you will post again and let us know how you are going.
Harrington49


rabbkey
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/28/2010 5:54 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you for your replies, Karen it is funny you say that,I have threatened to leave,I have shut the ringer off on my phone and stopped talking to her,and she popped up at my door.She cried and told me everything she knew I wanted to hear,to get me back,but she did nothing in the end...I can't tell you how many wake up calls have come her way,but I guess you can't wake up the dead.She knows what she is doing to me,she has told me she knows,but also told me that is her like it or not.I have been with her for over 8yrs and it's never going to change,I realize that..I used to believe she would get help and we would be fine,but I know different now. She tells me that she wants to put me in a bubble and keep me from the rest of the world.and truthfully that scares me.Who thinks like that? she doesn't want me on facebook because she is afraid I will talk to someone,If she knew I came on here for advice and talking to someone she would flip out on me,and scream and yell at me,and say things to intentionally hurt my feelings.she doesn't want me to talk to her brother,because she is afraid he likes me. one thing I do know for sure,If she hasn't given me a break down in the 8 yrs we've been together and caused me to be committed into a mental hospital,I can face anything that comes my way...I really truly and deeply love her with all my heart and soul,but I Just don't think I have anything left to give.... Everybody tells me they don't know how I do it,and honestly I ask myself that very same question every day.If she wasn't this way,this is the woman I want to be with,she would be my soul mate...But not like this. I do feel smothered,I feel like I am a prisoner and she is the warden. I feel like I am the child and she's the parent. I feel like I am the puppet and she's the master...I look back in my life,and I used to be carefree,and loved life,and was so happy and never let anything bother me,didn't have a clue what stress was...and I see how drastically I have changed in 8yrs,now I am always afraid and very stressed out and have panic and anxiety attacks almost daily....through the years I have lost me along the way.....I honestly was the happiest in life when I was alone,without a partner,just my 2 kids and I.boy did I mess my life up, my girlfriend is right I am stupid...I should of stayed alone,but once I am again,I will never allow anyone else to have my heart.
I really hope to hear from you guys again,being about to talk about this is really a help,I am finding a little strength hidden deep inside. thank-you.

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/28/2010 6:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rabbkey

Okay, I going to be blunt again. I don't think you want to leave, I think somehow you have accepted this treatment and although you don't like it, it is the way it is going to be because you don't want it to change. Why not? Why don't you leave if she won't change and you have to accept her "because that is how she is"? It seems to me that it is all on her terms and whatever she wants she gets it, it's her way or not at all. Sorry, but I couldn't and I'm sure a lot of people couldn't live like that, you said you feel like the prisoner and her the warden, well you can change that by packing up and leaving before she does something to you.

You said:"one thing I do know for sure,If she hasn't given me a break down in the 8 yrs we've been together and caused me to be committed into a mental hospital,I can face anything that comes my way.' That is 8 years of your life that you have been miserable, that you have changed from the carefree happy person you used to be, that is 8 years you can't get back. So why are you going to give her any more of your life.

I say move on, get out, hit the road, you deserve better, that's just my opinion.
Harrington49


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 6/28/2010 7:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I think Harrington is right, you have to move on. She will see that and if she loves you, she will change. She might just need this rude awakening.

I hope that this all works out and that you can be happy. You don't need to suffer anymore. You deserve to be a happy person again. I hope that this helps.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


rabbkey
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/28/2010 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
there is a big difference between wanting to leave and having to leave....no I don't want to leave but I know I have to...But I will have to leave town when I do,or else she will not let me go.she will come to my door begging me not to leave she will go to places she knows I go to to talk to me she will follow me,I have already been through that with her.and because she is not threatening me harm the police in my state will not get involved.been there,done that.I am already looking for other cities to move to that she wouldn't think of me moving to....and I am saving every penny I can to make the move.But when your on SSI you don't get alot so it is more difficult then people who have some money saved.and it is just me and my 2 kids.no I have not accepted the treatment I get,I did want it to change. I have tried to change it but I know I can't,I know it will never change...I was taught growing up you don't just give up on people you love.My gram taught me you fight for your relationship until there is nothing left to fight for.and that is what I have done....I know my only answer now for myself is to leave,and I am preparing that step...and I know,by every way I have fought for this relationship to work,I will leave this relationship with no regrets and no "What If's" I will not always wonder and question,what if I did that,or what if I tried this.......I know I tried everything possible,and there is nothing left I can do.except leave.....And that is what I am preparing for now....

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 6/28/2010 2:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I want you to know that I wish you well. Do what is right for you and don't look back. You can do this. Like you say you have tried everything. So you are doing the right thing.

Keep your chin up, and best wishes.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/29/2010 6:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rabbkey

Good on you for taking a stand, don't let anything or anyone change your mind, you have do it, you can do it. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. You can make a better life for yourself with someone normal. You definitely deserve some good luck and someone who will love you for you and not make unfair expectations on you.

I wish you all the best of luck and please let us know how you are going because we really do care.
Harrington49


rabbkey
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/29/2010 7:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank-you harrington49 that really means a lot. I must of re-read these posts about 10 times yesterday.and thinking over and over and over about everything I have gone through in the last 8yrs,and I felt so alone, I realized I need help in this,I can't be too proud to ask for help,So I called my friend (the one I spoke about in my first post) and I broke down crying like an idiot,and told her everything.I had only expected her support.She did get mad at me for not telling her what I have been going through and waiting so long to go to her for help,but she said she wants me away from her.She told me to find a place and she is going to pay my rent and deposit to get into a place and she is going to pay for movers to move my stuff....so I went on craigslist searching for places I could afford in different cities in my state,and I did find one about 100 miles south of where I live now,and I looked at the pictures of the place and loved it,I called the landlord and she has no problem with me having my cat and my dog....So I called my friend back and she is sending her husband's best friend today to rent the place for me...and get the utilities turned on. my girlfriend is going to be out of town from july 11 to july 18 to go see her mom. So my friend wants me to make the move then so we don't have to worry about her being around to cause problems. and I can leave peacefully,Thank-you also Karen. you guys are great,thanks for all your help,and I will let you guys know how it all went after the move.

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 6/29/2010 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rabbkey, I have been reading all the posts since the first one you wrote. I think it is very wise that you are going to make this move. You mentioned you are on SSI. Did you take your social security early or are you on SSI disability? Are you able to work at all? If you are just on SSI you can work up to a certain amount
which would mean you could have a part time job to help with expenses. I would
make sure when you move that you do not leave a forwarding address with the post office. Also, you should change your phone number and make it unlisted. Best to get a cell phone that she cannot get the number from anywhere. I believe what you said about her with the initials is major personality disorder. This is extremely hard to get over unless one has extensive one on one therapy for a long time. My son's fiance had major personality disorder and behaved in much the same way your girlfriend does. She wanted him to quit his job, move frequently to different cities, was a terrible spendthrift and didn't want him to see his friends. All big signs that there was a terrible problem and he did break up with her. I was so relieved as  if he had married her he would have been miserable. You also mention she has OCD. My older son has OCD and believe me it can take over the person's life. I am getting him treatment for the OCD but it takes a long time to get over and a lot of hard work. You don't get over it overnight. And you have to be very willing to work hard at overcoming your rituals and routines that keep you in this type of behaviour. So I know others have advised you on what you should do and I think it is great that you will be moving away. Just try to make sure your girlfriend cannot find out from anyone, your friends, children, anyone who might know where you have gone. If not you will have her on your doorstep once again. I know this is hard for you as you have been with this person a long time but I think you will feel enormous relief once you have moved and are truly away from the whole situation. Again be careful that she not be able to find you. Please post again and let everyone here know how you are doing and how you are once you have moved. I wish you all the best of luck. Also, change your email address, something she cannot guess or possible get ahold of. If she knows you come to HW change your screen name. Do not contact her is she tries to find you and talk to you. Remember, you can always get a restraining order to keep her a distance from you and not contact you. Her behavior IS threatening to you even if she has not physically hurt you.  Take care of yourself.
 
 
Aurora

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 6/29/2010 1:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy to hear that your friend is helping you get away. You are very fortunate to have a friend like this. I hope that you two will always be able to have contact.

This is probably going to seem strange in the beginning, but believe me, like Aurora said, this is going to become a huge relief. Again, I am so happy for you.

Take care my friend, keep us posted on how things are going. Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/29/2010 7:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rabbkey

Wow what a friend you have, you want to hang onto her friendship and repay her as much as you can, like I mean always be there when she needs a friend - having said that, I know you will because you sound that sort of a person.

It will feel strange at first, but hang in there and don't ever relent, remember the terrible life you had with her. I think that is a good time to make the move also while she is not around that way she can't cause any problems. But please do as Aurora has suggested and that is make sure all of your tracks are covered so she can't find you anywhere.

Good luck my friend.
Harrington49


rabbkey
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/1/2010 4:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
Don't worry I will have my tracks well covered.that part I am not new to..I had to do that with my ex husband about 20 years ago,he tried to kidnap my kids and we took off and I couldn't put anything in my name that could be traced back to me....and he looked but never found me not even to today.
No Aurora I am not able to work at all.I have multiple serious health problems,congestive heart failure,early stages of kidney failure,uncontrollable diabetes,Meniere's syndrome that is(a disease of unknown cause affecting the membranous labyrinth of the ear, causing progressive deafness and attacks of tinnitus and vertigo.)it's is like that severe dizziness you get when you have drank way too much,but in this case you haven't drank. I have Fibromyalgia,and I had broke my back in 1998 and I can barely walk have to go real slow and all bent forward.And to top it all off I am losing my eye sight,my glasses now are as thick as a glass coke bottle and I still have trouble seeing,I have to put my face almost on top of the computer keys to see them,my eye doctor said in about 2 years I will be legally blind if not sooner.So no I can not work at all.
The mpd I was talking about is multiple personality disorder,and yes ocd, she has told me that she can't control her quote unquote way of thinking and acting because the voices in her head egg her on until she snaps...she said her voices are 2 men and a woman. my kids are moving with me,she won't be able to bug them to try and find out where i am at,and the only friend I have left is my friend that is helping me,all my other friends faded away because of the problems with my girlfriend.as far as an intervention siobhan,I would be doing that alone,I have tried to talk to her Mom,and tell her but she just doesn't get it,she tells me to just ignore her,she knows she can be nasty with her mouth,and moody...so I would not get any help with an intervention,but yet her mom tells my girlfriend that she doesn't know how I put up with her.as far as my email address and me coming on hw,she has no clue of that,I am not allowed to be on the internet,or have a computer as a matter of fact,the only time I can go on the internet is if she is right there with me watching what I am doing and it is at her house,on her computer.and I can only download songs off of Itunes and transfer them to my Ipod,I wanted to join facebook because they have a lot of games to play but she would not let me,because she is afraid I will talk to someone,My friend that is helping me move got me a computer in April as a birthday gift,it's a macbook laptop,and when ever my girlfriend came over I would hide the laptop,so she has no idea I have an email address.and has no clue that I did join facebook and I play many games,but no I do not talk to people on there,I just want to go play games....The only thing that concerns me,is I am supposed to go with my friend to vegas the end of next month for a convention,and my girlfriend knows about the convention,of course she told me I could not go,but I was going anyway.I'm worried that she may go to vegas to find me,so as much as I hate to I may just have to skip this year.next year it will be someplace else.I will keep in touch and I will let you all know how the move and everything went,everything now is set the place was rented for me yesterday,the utilities will be turned on there on tuesday and the cable will be installed on the 13th of july,but already paid for..and yes Harrington49,I will always be there for my friend,I would walk through fire for her. I really want to thank each and every one of you,you guys are great, and have made me feel so much better,so much stronger,and so determined to run for the hills.....I really Thank all of you from my heart.

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/1/2010 5:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rabbkey

You are most welcome and I am sure that is from all of us.

GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND and stay safe and stay in touch.
Harrington49


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 7/1/2010 8:14 AM (GMT -7)   
That goes for me too. Stay safe sweetie and do keep in touch.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


rabbkey
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 7/20/2010 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
Wanted to let you guys know,the move went as planned without a hitch,just got done getting unpacked and settled in,My friend that helped me move left for Vegas today,I am kind of bummed out that I can not go.....I do miss her a lot,and I find myself thinking about her all the time,and I can feel my heart breaking over and over again,this is so hard,and painful,but I know there really was no other choice,I know in time the pain will go away,but it sure doesn't make things easier now....sometimes I wake up,feeling so lonely in the middle of the night and just wanting to hear her voice so bad,and wanting to call her so I can hear her voice,but I don't,and I will not call.
don't you guys worry,I will not go back,no matter what,I just wish breaking up didn't hurt so much......but I know it's gonna take some time....Thanks everyone....

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 7/20/2010 1:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Rabbkey,
 
I am so happy that the move went smoothly.  I am so glad that your friend helped you with this situation and got you out of there.  Take things one day at a time.  You are now on the healing journey and new adventures. 
 
I wish you the best.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/21/2010 3:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rabbkey

Thanks for letting us know how things turned out for you. I am so pleased it went as planned. Don't look back, never look back, look forward, there is someone out there waiting for you to find her and you will. You can always go to Vegas, its always going to be there, your day will come.

Keep a positive attitude going, you can do it, please don't ever be tempted to phone her, that would mean all what you have been through would have been for nothing. Just hang in there and keep a low profile so she doesn't know where you are.

Good luck, so glad it turned out as well as it did. It will be a bit lonely at first and yes breaking up is hard to do but you are a strong and good person who deserves much better.

Hang in there and let us know how you are going.
Harrington49

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