when it all gets too much and you cant cope any longer what do you do?

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socialite
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/27/2010 4:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi guys,

I have never been apart of a group like this before so forgive me if I am not as clear as I should be. I just need a place to vent and be heard without being judged.

ok so where do I start.... I am 25 years old, I am working full time for an employment agency which is a part of my problem at the moment as the job has been very stressful and although I enjoy the aspect of helping people it can also be very draining and I do not have a very supportive team to support me. In fact my team, especially the acting manager, can be very hostile and I have a lot of problems with the way they treat me and the way they treat the clients. So work is very stressful, draining and sometimes even crushing.

I am also studying a masters of Education part time at university, which is a lot of work and can be stressful at times when I am working full time. three nights a week I go straight from work to Uni and sit through a class for two hours and then get home at 10pm and have to get up and do it all over again the next night. As much as I love studying I feel like right now this study is something I am just doing because I have to do it and I cant enjoy it and that really annoys me because I know that this study is investing in my future and getting me closer to where I want to be but I cant enjoy it and its hard to keep going with it when its just so hard.

My biggest issue and the thing that is really pushing me over the edge at the moment is my family situation. I love my family sooo much and we are very close, there is myself, my mum and dad and my younger sister who is like my best friend. We have always struggled as a family through many different difficult and stressful situations and we have always gotten through it together but this time, everything is different and instead of uniting us its ripping us apart. We are at a different stage in our lives, both me and my sister are adults now and we are trying to start our independant lives apart from my parents but at the same time I still feel like we need them and want them to be around and its that struggle, that balance that I am finding really hard to strike at the moment. Especially in the present situation we find ourself in.

Let me try and explain this... So my parents moved away to another state recently and my sister and I were living together in our old apartment but then my sisters boyfriend moved in with us about a month ago. I wasnt really keen on this idea to begin with as I wasnt sure how they would relate to each other and what it would be like for me to live with them two as a couple. At first it was ok and we were trying to work it all out and live together but then my sister and her boyfriend started to argue and fight with each other regularly and it was very stressful to be hearing and feeling the tension between them all the time. Of course I was worried about my sister and the affect that this was having on her but it was also really affecting me with everything else I was dealing with I couldnt cope with their issues too. I started to feel really depressed, really low and sad. I started to feel heavy and tired and I knew I wasnt coping, it was all getting to much for me to handle I was trying to fix the situation but nothing was helping, even my usual me things werent bringing me any joy any more.

Then the climax happened on friday night just gone, my sisters boyfriend got drunk and a huge argument ensued between them, there was swearing and yelling and shouting and it was getting out of hand. My sister got really angry and she pushed her boyfriend into the wall. They were in a seperate room to me and all I heard was yelling and shouting and then a large crash. I freaked out and ran into the room to see what was happening. I had never seen my sister act like this before, she had never got this mad before and it freaked me out. I knew that all the issues with her boyfriend was bringing out the worst in her and pushing her to a place where she couldnt cope. For me, it was just too much for me to handle, I started shouting that this had to end and that I was done with it, but I was shaking uncontrollably and I felt so anxious and scared. Finally I walked away and just collapsed into tears on the ground. Since then I have been really low, really sad and just feeling so lost and confused. I dont know what to do anymore... Life seems too much to handle now.... I cant fix any of this.

I get tired just thinking about all of this and I am sorry that this has been so long and filled with so many things but I need to get some of this stuff out of my head and out somewhere where its not overtaking me all the time. Any advice comments would be helpful at this stage!

horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/27/2010 5:30 AM (GMT -7)   
socialite...
I get heavy reading your post, so I know it must be 100 times worse for you.  Being around that kind of over the top anger is so stressful.  You are caught in the middle of an out of control situation between your sister and her oyfriend.  The other night your sister crossed the line by getting physical....once that happens, it will happen again. If the two of them get out of control physical, call 911.   Meanwhile, you need to protect yourself mentally.  As inconvenient as it sounds, when the two of them get really heated, leave!!  Go for a long walk, go to a friends house, go for a drive...anything, but get out of there.  Listening to that stuff amd not being able to do anything about it, is very traumatizing which only weighs upon you more and drags you down.  Try to tlak to your sister (when the boyfriend is not around).  Tell her exactly as you see it...how this is changing her, how horrible it is for you, etc.  See if she is willing to send the boyfriend packing.  If not, is there anyway you can move out?? (I kind of don't think so from something you said).  Yhis has to be especially awful for you because it sounded like you came from a pretty functional family.  You also have the added stress of having a major support system move away...your parents.  Do your parents know what is going on??  If not, is it time for them to know????  You cannot handle this alone.  I am sure your paents would be appalled at what is happening.  Is there a way you can visit them for a weekend to sort of regroup?  Or spend the night with a friend??  You HAVE to know someway you can get away from their craziness to hang onto your sanity.  You sound like a sensitive person and you are just getting dragged down further and further between work and the homefront.  Is there anyway youcan seek counseling?  Some counselors operate on a sliding fee scale with their fee based on your income.  You should not have to live like this and your sister needs to open her eyes and realize she is in an abusive relationship  Everytime you listem to them fight you are being abused in a secondary way.  You can't stop their fights, but you can leave.  I know it sucks to leave your own home because of them, but you just can't keep listening to them.  Grab your books and go to the library or as I said, to a friends house.  Put on headphones and listen to music, use ear  plugs...you have to grab contrl where you can.  You said you and your sister were very close  and I am sure seeing her in this situation is heartbreaking for you and I think that is where some of the heaviness creeps in along with feeling helpless to change the situation.  I am sure you are scared to death your sister will get hurt....if things get really roough, you have no choice but to call 911...don't feel guilty either...sometimes we do what we gotts do.  I wish I could offer you more help emotionally...as I said I can feel your heaviness and I feel so badly for you.  Keep posting...we are here for you.  Try to hang in there.
Lots of hugs
Horse Crazy
Bi-polar I; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 6/27/2010 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi socialite,

I basically want to welcome you to the forum. You have gotten some good advice from Horse Crazy. You have so much going on and this fighting is disrupting things. So it is time for you to take action. Be it moving out, or talking to your sister. I think if you talk to her, that maybe they will both calm down with the arguing.

I hope that you are feeling better since you posted. Know that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/27/2010 6:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Socialite

I totally agree with Horsecrazy, but if it were me I would be trying to take control of the situation as you are the older sister. It is your home too, the first thing I would do is kick the boyfriend to the kerb, surely your sister can see there is no future in that relationhip as it abusive and volatile. Then try and talk to the sister and make her see sense, bring your parents into it if you can't reason with her.

Secondly, about your job, is there someone higher than the Acting Manager that you can go to, you don't have to put up with bullyboy tactics at work, I know it goes on everywhere in the workplace but in this instance, you have to rise above and go over his head. While that is happening, keep your eye out for another job.

Try not to get too depressed, someone has to end this situation as it can't continue. Don't let it affect your studies as you said yourself it is an investment in your future, so good on you, stick to it, don't let anyone depress you that much, through no fault of your own and destroy something that you're trying to do for yourself.

Hang in there, and keep posting and let us know how you are going as we are all here for you.
Harrington49


socialite
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/27/2010 2:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks guys!

On saturday I told my sister that what happened on friday night was not ok and that she was in an abusive relationship, she agreed but said that she loved him, the usual trap that goes on with abusive relationships. I explained that someone who makes her that mad, that she would get physical is not someone who loves her and that he has to go. She talked to him about leaving but he got really mad and another fight ensued. On sunday we called my parents together and explained the situation of course they were appalled and angry as this kind of stuff does not go on in our family and I will be darned if it starts now because of this stupid guy. So as the situation stands, my sister has gone to see my parents for the week and then they will all come up on saturday and we will talk to her boyfriend about the situation and help him transition out.

So this situation is getting sorted, the only thing is now I am left here with this guy for a whole week on my own. Last night he got drunk again and was acting really stupid, laughing and being vecious about the whole situation. He was just annoying me and antagonizing me wanting to get a rise, so I just went to bed. I saw on his facebook status last night all these drunken jabs at my family and my sister and even me. I dont know how we are going to live together for a whole week if he is going to be like that..... I just want to ignore him.

The other part of me just wants him gone now, but at the same time I know we cant just kick him out he doesnt even have a job and he is here on his own. I dont know this is the worst situation I have ever been in and although I can see the end and know this is going to end its just the getting there that is going to be really hard!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 6/27/2010 4:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Does he have any friends that he can stay with while your sister is gone? Why did you guys let him move in if he was jobless? Or did he become jobless after he moved in? What about his parents? I feel very uncomfortable that you are stuck there with him. Ignore the facebook stuff. That is so childish. This just shows his immaturity.

Keep us posted on what is going on. I am a little worried about your safety. Don't hesitate to call 911 if you need to. You don't have to take his attitude.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


socialite
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/28/2010 5:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey guys, today has been a lot better, he wasnt drinking tonight and he was a lot more civil. I was never really worried for my safety, I just dont like being around people who are drunk. But He is looking for a place to live now and focusing on getting a job he hopes to be moved out by next weekend at the latest so there is some relief in that.

I wanted to thank you all for your support and concern I will let you all know how it goes.

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/28/2010 5:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Socialite

That is good news, I hope he keeps his word. Remember he isn't your responsibility or your sister's either. Glad it has turned out okay.

Keep posting and let us know if anything changes or just how you're going.
Harrington49


socialite
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/7/2010 5:00 AM (GMT -7)   
ok guys so tonight I am angry and I just needed to vent it off my chest.

Heres the latest....

So after the big fight my sister went and spent a week with my parents and then on satuday just gone they all came back up and my sister and her boyfriend talked and sorted everything out and then my dad had a chat with him and gave him some advise and we had decided that he would have 4 weeks, until the end of July, for him to move out of the house. Which was very generous I think all things considered as long as there was no more fighting. However straight after my parents left he started acting all strange. On the sunday night he went out and bought beer and got drunk again like the last week but he wasnt that bad. However he will still acting stupid and was very touchy feely. The next night which was monday my sister went out with friends and left me alone with him again. I was angry with him for getting drunk on the sunday and wasnt really in the mood to be left alone with him so I was very stand offish but was still making conversation with him when I had to. However most of the night we sat in silence together it was very awkward. On tuesday which was yesterday I got sick, I woke up with a huge migraine headache and I took the day off work to go to the doctors. I was diagnosed with a sinus flu and high blood pressure which was causing tension headaches. I'm still not completely better and am going back to the doctors tomorrow as my headaches havent gone away. But the worst thing was when I got home he had gone out but when he came home to find me there he looked cranky and went straight into his room to sulk. For two days, yesterday and today he has not said a word to either me or my sister, he has been very unengaging and has been very sulky. He has not been helping out around the house in fact he has been creating more mess and not cleaning it up. He is being very childish and its making me so mad.

The worst part of it all, was tonight at around 6:30 he turned around and started cooking and cleaning and talking to us again out of nowhere, i thought he was actually going to talk about what had been going on but he didnt. We still havent all sat down and discussed the issues and how we are supposed to live together for 3 weeks after everything that has happened. But now its like everything is ok and my sister is acting like normal, and they are kissing and hugging and laughing and it just makes me so mad because how can I bring up the issues now when they are acting like there is nothing wrong. Its like all he has to do is turn around and kiss her and she forgets all the bad behaviour and all the issues and moves on with the flow. Its so manipulative on his part as he is controlling the mood in the house according to him and how he feels at the time.

I am so angry and I am so sick, I dont have the energy to deal with it.....3 weeks is going to be a long time if its going to be like this. Sorry guys just had to vent!

horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 7/7/2010 6:19 AM (GMT -7)   
First of all, makes me wonder if he doesn't have some sort of mood disorder...which still does not in any way justify abusive behavior. He definitely exhibits the "typical" abusive type guy. Man, then real nice, only to return to mean. Unfortunately, the hook so to speak for your sister is when he is being real nice. She hangs onto negative hope...hoping an impossible situation or manipulative person is somehow going to change. Doesn't happen. I am with Getting By. I do have some concern for your safety with someone who drinks and is so unstable (and immature)...just remember you can always call 911 the second you feel unsafe.
Talk to your sister again. See if she will go to a support group for abused women (maybe you can offer to go with her) Almost all women's shelters have such groups. It is hard for her to see him for what he is....for some reason (probably hope) when the guy starts acting nice, all the negative stuff that has happened seems to get forgotten. Maybe the 4 weeks he was given needs to be shortened. That was more than generous, but I don't think he has "earned" the right to stay that long Maybe time to call in the supports again (your parents) NOBODY has the right to control the mood of a household...just shows how very controlling he is. You should not have to live like this. Let your voice be heard. Keep us posted on how you are doing....I am so sorry this is effecting you physically (the headaches). Something is very wrong when you miss work because of the tension in the household. Yes, you should be concerned about your sister , but save some concern for yourself, too.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polar I; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 7/7/2010 7:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Can you financially make it on your own if you have to move out of this situation? This is actually your sister's problem, though it is effecting you too. Your sister has to come to grips that this is an abusive man. He drinks way too much. Where does he get the money to drink? Is he working? It seems that he wasn't. I can't remember.

You need to feel safe in your own home. This isn't fair to you. I like the idea that Horse Crazy mentioned about going to abuse meetings. Maybe the two fo you could go together.

Keep us posted on your situation.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


white_n_nerdy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/7/2010 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Call the police if he gets drunk again. Tell them this guy is abusive and you are afraid for your life. Replace the locks on your doors while he is sobering up
Box up his things and put them in storage or at his parents house.
Get a restraining order.

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/7/2010 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Socialite

I would call your parents again and get your father to tell him he has to go. Your sister needs to see the other side of the coin, accept that he is manipulative and break it all off with him. If she stays with him she is going to have a miserable and abusive life.

If your dad comes and kicks him out, get the locks changed and don't hestitate to ring the Police if the need arises.

I hope it all works okay and he leaves peacefully but it doesn't sound like he will go easily, he is on too good a wicket and he knows it.
Harrington49


socialite
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/8/2010 4:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi guys,

thanks for all the advice, but we cant kick him out we said he had till the end of july and we have to stick to our word. He doesnt have a job, he doesnt have anyone here so we cant just kick him out. He only receives money from the government.

So anyway heres the update, him and my sister broke up last night which is good, its the best idea they have had for a long time but now the question is how all three of us are going to live together for another three weeks? Its going to be very awkward and very frustrating for all parties. However as I said we cant kick him out.

The question is how do we all live together after all of this has happened.

I agree with horsecrazy about going to an abused womens group and I think both me and my sister will be going along to one of those after he has left to deal with all of this because I know this whole horrible experience has damaged us both.

But today me and my sister are going out together for a girls day to get facials and hair done and go shopping so that should be nice!
I guess we just have to make it as good as we can for ourselves until he leaves and this is all over.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 7/8/2010 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
I would be calling around to see if there are any homeless shelters where he could go. I don't think it is going to be that easy to get rid of him. I would be helping him find a place to go.

This isn't a good situation especially with the break up. Be careful.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


socialite
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/10/2010 4:09 AM (GMT -7)   
ok so heres the update, I am sure you are as sick of these updates as i am of having to live through them.

last night even after we asked him not to drink for the next three weeks he went ahead and got drunk anyway. When we sat and asked him not to get drunk he said we couldnt tell him what to do and I said well if he got drunk we would be calling the police he said he didnt care and that we can do whatever we like. I was so fed up with it all, that I took my sister and we went and stayed with a friend for the night. WE have decided that he cant stay for three weeks and so he has until Saturday next weekend which is 7 days to get out. He gets payed from the government on Wed and so with that money he needs to use that to get himself some temporary accomodation until he can save up enough to find an apartment.

We were going to sit down and talk to him about all of this tonight but he refuses to talk to us, the first time I asked if we could talk he flat out ignored me and then just walked away. When he came back out we asked again and he said he didnt feel like it. So now what I plan to do is just before I go to bed I am going to write him a letter explaining the situation and telling him what he needs to do. I will put that under his door and go to bed tomorrow morning we will go to church and when we get back we will see if he wants to talk then but either way he is leaving on saturday next week.

We have organized for some friends to come over on the saturday next week so that there are other people here when he is moving out just in case he tries anything. I will be so relieved when this is all over and he is out of our life he is so rude and so disrespectful its unbelievable. We have been so respectful and generous and compassionate to him and we have TRIED to be as nice as we can in this whole sitiuation but he has been so rude and so difficult I feel so used and abused by him.

Again though we still have 7 days to put up with his behaviour, *sigh* I dont know I just hate that its gotten to this point and that we have to kick him out I mean I can only imagine what he is feeling through all of this underneath it all but it his choices and his behaviour that has lead us to this point and he must reap the consequences but I still feel bad. We found on the phone last night that he had dialled The Department of Housing and two phone counselling services which just broke my heart and made me realize that he is not dealing with this well which was always obvious but I dont know why he has to act the way he is towards us when we have been trying to help him.

Sorry its a long one tonight but I needed to vent all these feelings swirling around inside of me.

socialite
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/10/2010 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
update 2 i've decided to leave a note asking if we can talk when we get home from church instead of telling him everything as its probably not the best way to do it. Its important to do it face to face and not sink to his level but yeah I am still so unsure what to do with all of this

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 7/10/2010 7:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, he is not showing you two much respect when all he does is get drunk everyday.  I am glad that you are throwing him out in seven days.  Have you talked to the cops about this at all?  Was he even helping out at all with bills and food?  He could have made those calls just to get you to feel sorry for him.  But this is his problem, not yours.  I hope he gets into AA or something like that so that he can get sober.  It is sad to see somebody so young drinking themselves to death.  But this does happen in our society.  What you are doing is the right thing, it will force him to get help.  So don't feel guilty about it.  He is using the two of you and that is the bottom line.  What he is doing isn't fair to you especially to your sister who was romantically involved with him.  So be proud of what you are doing and know that you are actually helping him instead of enableing him.  Stick to your guns.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


socialite
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/11/2010 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
ok guys so heres the deal now... I am so over all of this! Today has been a really emotional day.

we finally got to sit down and tell him that he has to leave on saturday, we got about five minutes into our prepared speech when he said, "you have to give me 14 days by law since I am a tennant" I informed him that he was not a tennant that he was a guest and that we would have given him 7 days if he had of listened to us last night and that he had no choice but to leave on saturday and we were being gracious in giving him that long. He stood up and shouted that we were spoilt brats and that we were cruel and mean and that we were hypocrites and would never ever amount to anything that we wanted to be because we didnt have hearts and then stormed off into his room.

The plan was that he was to go on saturday but that he didnt have to pay his board of $400 and that if he needed to he could store his stuff in our garage until he found a place, but I didnt even get to tell him that and so I went to his room and knocked on the door and said that we were still trying to help him if he would just listen to us and he just yelled through the door that he didnt want our ****ing help and that we needed to leave him alone. So we did.

He hasnt spoken a word to us all evening, he deleted us off his facebook account and it feels as though he has just totally wiped us, he has so little respect for us its amazing. Although I know we have done the right thing its still hurts and it still feels really wrong. I was so upset that he could turn around and be so cruel and mean right up until the very end. That all of our generousity and caring for him and his welfare has been thrown back in our faces like this. I feel used and abused and it makes me so mad. I dont know how we are going to get through the week together I suppose with very little communication and trying to avoid each other. I have no idea whats going to happen, how he is going to leave where he is going to go and you know what I do care, I hope he is ok and I feel very sorry for him, he is obviously a very hurt and very broken person to be able to treat people who have been so good to him like this.

I am frusrtated, angry and exhuasted by all of this but most of all I am sad, I am very sad that it has ended like this and that there could be no peaceful resolution and no mending, that we have to end and part on such bad terms. However I am glad that it is over and that in a few days he will be gone out of our lives and we can move on as sisters and start our lives the way we intent on living them without all this angst and division and anger in our home. I want to thank you all for all of your support and advice, it has been so nice to have somewhere to vent and talk about all of this stuff. I will continue to visit and post and let you know how things are going. Hopefully we do not have too much drama between now and saturday but if we do I am sure you will hear about. Once again thank you!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 7/11/2010 7:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Don't be surprised if you do get a lot of drama.  He is playing you both with this.  Any real man would have taken it like a man and started looking for a place to stay.  He has been using both of you and will continue for as long as he can.  Don't be surprised if he isn't out by the seven days.  He is going to play this for all it is worth.  You may have to call the police to get him out.  He doesn't pay rent so he isn't a tennant.  Like you said, he was a guest.  But as they say they can be like fish, they start to stink after a few days.  His drinking concerns me.  Does he get violent at all?  Or is he a quiet drunk?  Hoping for the latter. 
 
Since you promised him a month in the beginning, you might have to oblige by that.  I don't know.  I would be making some phone calls to find out.  I am not sure who you can call, but hopefully somebody else on here knows.  I just know that you two don't deserve the abuse that you have been tolerating.  And it has to end.
 
I wish you the best.  Keep your chins up and stay busy and away from him.
 
Take care,
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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