Never asked for help before...

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Lotskibob
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/30/2010 3:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I dont like talking about my problems but my boyfriend wants to make me talk to a real doctor, and thats the only thing more scary to me than actually talking to someone.
So here goes... Ill start from as far back as I think it may stem... but I wont go into much detail until I get to the important bits.
So, when I was a little kid, up until I was 5 or 6 I was perfectly happy. I was in a tiny little infants school where everyone was friends with everyone else. My parents were happy, my grandparents were still alive, and my dad used to spend hours on a saturday teaching me about sciencey stuff, or we would play games and stuff, like he could lift me with one arm, while I was standing on his hand.
Then I went to Junior School, and all the friends I had in infants fizzled down to about 4 or 5, which was fine, but everyone else started picking on me. They would avoid touching me, shouting 'Charlotte Germs', and when I sat on the carpet there would be a circle around me where no one wanted to sit. I would ask my mum to make them stop (Everyone else had their parents come into school and complain about anything) and she would just tell me to stop giving them ammo against me and just ignore them. So I gave up asking her for help when I was 7. Both my grandmothers died, and my dad started to change. He wasnt interested in spending time with us anymore, he just came home from work, slept until tea time, watched simpsons with us and then played on his computer until 3am. He rarely had time to teach me after that.
Then I went into secondary school and the bullying got worse. Within 3 months of starting at the new school my parents split up, my friends couldnt be bothered to cheer me up and ditched me and I spent 6 months sitting alone in the school library.
I began to get depressed around then, but only in the winter, and mildly at first (by that I mean I was understandably upset about my parents the first year, and it started again the following year). It just kept repeating and getting worse every year.
When I was 14 I met my friend Hilly through vampire freaks, and she was amazing. She made me feel loads better and we would chat every day. And then after I turned 15 I met Vince through a friends Vampirefreaks page. We started going out and fell in love immediately. Then that winter the depression got worse. It started at Christmas when everything seemed mundane, then I began dreading going back to school, as the bullying had just constantly gotten worse. My friend Hilly then killed herself (not discussing or threatening, just stating facts so I hope Im not breaking the rules) and I think I spiralled downwards from there.
When I get depressed or upset or a memory is painful, I suppress it. I have suppressed most of my childhood memories, and most of the winters that I have been depressed. The year I lost my friend I cannot remember much from january to april. I do not know what happened, my boyfriend has only recently told me that I would stare into space for hours on end, even to the extent that I would stop halfway through a sentance and then continue with it an hour later as if nothing had happened. He was extremely supportive, when I got really really low he would sit by me and just wait for me. He eventually convinced me I needed to go see a doctor, so I made an appointment in secret (Somehow I successfully hid it from my mother, she was too busy internet dating. I did once smile at my dad and he said 'It never reaches your eyes any more' which made me want to cry.) and went to the doctors with me. She wouldnt let him explain, even though I said I dont really see it, he can explain better, and then once I had explained and felt sufficiently stupid for it, she told me I was too young for any of her treatments and that I should just go and speak to my mother, in a way that felt like 'Youre a stupid attention seeking child, go home and cry to your mother' (It wasnt just me, my boyfriend got that impression too). After that I refused to talk to anyone about it.
Then I started sixth form, which I wasnt sure about but I stayed in my school anyway. The bullying in my year group stopped, but some cocky 14 year olds started on me (I got fed up and beat one of them up at one point and almost got kicked out because they claimed I was bullying them.)
My father started seeing someone else (he met someone as soon as he left but I liked her) and immediately started treating her and her daughter (who is at university) as more important. He had slowly been backing away from us over the past 5 years anyway, but suddenly he had decided that he was fine with being our friend but when it came to being our father he ignored us. I only took Chemistry and Physics Alevels so I could discuss it with him but he was never interested. I stopped going to see him every other weekend and he didnt say anything to me. His girlfriend moved into his flat and got rid of the bunk beds, replacing mine and my little brothers stuff with her daughters bedroom furniture. Now when she comes to stay, my brother, who stays every other weekend, cant go over to stay. They moved into a new house last week and her daughter is coming home for a week in the summer so she gets her own room, whereas my brother was told he could stay in the spare room. My brother still hero worships my father despite this treatment. in contrast, my elder brother doesnt have a father, he has an older friend who is ok to get lifts off and go to the pub with when hes not busy. All of this hurts me alot and I scream and cry.
The Christmas just passed, I began to feel depressed again, but not as bad as the year before (when Id gone to the doctor) but I cannot remember anything before april this year. The problem I have now is that it hasnt seemed to have gone away. whenever I get upset I curl up and wish I could die, even if its a small thing thats upset me. I cant control it, Ive never had suicidal tendancys even when I was extremely depressed. I talk to myself too, as if I were explaining my problems to myself in great length and detail. I cant explain how I feel right now because I dont understand it unless Im upset and then I forget afterwards.
I will have my boyfriend add more details when he is here, as he is the only one who understands, better than I do infact. He is amazing and he has stood by me for the past 2 years no matter how much I have yelled at him and tried to leave him when I just wanted to push everyone away.
I dont really know what i want people to say, or even if I want to ask for advice. That took alot for me to write, but when I start going, I find it hard to stop, but then I guess its better than bottling it all up.

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/30/2010 4:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lotskibob

Welcome to the Depression Forum, we are here to help you and support you as much as we can, you are among friends here.

I think what you need to do now is go back to a different doctor (with your boyfriend) and get a referral to a mental health professional who can help you get all of that stuff inside you out. He will speak with you calmly and be sympathetic towards your feelings. That other doctor was a jerk if you ask me, but that is only my opinion.

You probably need to take some meds, it might only be for a short time but you did have a lot going on in your life and a lot of it has changed, so understandably it is hard to grasp it all, so see a new doctor, get a referral and ask for some meds to help you. I am sure you will feel much better in a very short time.

I am glad you posted such a long story, I think it probably has done you some good to get some of it out in the open. Keep posting and let us know how you are. By the way, you have a lovely boyfriend there, hold on to him, he is a gem.
Harrington49


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 6/30/2010 4:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lostkibob,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum... I am so glad that you have decided to join us.

I would look for another doctor as this one didn't seem to treat you very well. You need the attention of a professional, maybe even mental health professional. But coming here is a good place to start.

I am sorry for your dad's neglect. It just doesn't sound fair. Especially when you were so close to him at one time. I am sure that the new girlfriend and her daughter have made you feel like a third wheel and that isn't right. He is your dad, no matter what. Have you tried talking to her and her daughter? Do you get along with the daughter? Is she the same age as you? She actually is innocent in all of this so take that into consideration when dealing with her. I hope that she is nice and not a brat. lol...

I am glad that you have such a supportive boyfriend. It does get confusing when we get both of the members on, as couples. So make sure that he gets his own account with his own name. Otherwise we wont know which one is writing. And sometimes it gets awkward, but we can try this and see how it works. I take it that he is supportive of this group, which is good.

Like I say, I am so glad that you found us. There is an online site called "moodgym that is free" And I have heard that a lot of people like it. Go to http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome. I think that is it. If I would have typed it on the reply post it would have turned blue. But check it out and see if it helps you.

I hope that you are having a good day. Let us know how things go for you. Good luck with counseling, and seeing the doctor. I hope to hear again from you soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


myjoy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 6/30/2010 4:29 AM (GMT -7)   
First of all, Lotskibob, thanks for sharing your story with us. I thought you did a great job of explaining the way things are for you. I don't think you give yourself enough credit in that.

You have certainly had a rough go of it. It's no wonder you have even tried to push your boyfriend away. You just aren't used to anyone caring. I met my now husband when I was 15. I was an abused child, and he was always there for me. At times I would try and push him away too, but he always stayed beside me.

What your parents have done in ignoring their children is a disgrace. From your story, I'm guessing you are about 17? Am I close? This means you will soon be out on your own...then you can form your own life the way you want. But for now, we need to deal with what you are going through.

Your boyfriend is right, and you need to see a doctor. Sorry the last one you went to was such a nut. But they aren't all like that. I've had some doosies myself over the years, but the majority have been good. I think you need to go by yourself to see the doctor. Your boyfriend could bring you there, but it would be a great idea for you to tell your story yourself - as it is your story afterall. There is a chance that you might need some meds, along with therapy, to get you out of this depression. I have taken meds for 20+yrs, so don't let that scare you.

Anyway - I just want you to know that there is hope, and you won't always feel this bad. There is so much help out there now a days. It just takes a bit of time to find it sometimes. I would work really hard to find the right doctor/therapist.

I just want you to know that you are a very important and neat person. I find much clarity in your words, and think you don't give yourself enough credit. Please continue to come here and talk with us. There is always someone around to answer back. Take care.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, osteoarthritis, obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.

fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.


Lotskibob
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/1/2010 3:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Thankyou for you replies, they even made me smile a little. Im 16, 17 in august (Being an august baby and the youngest of my friends, its important to me to mention that fact) so you were very close. My dads girlfriends daughter is the same age I think as my elder brother (Hes 20 now, so maybe 19/20) and shes in university, which is why I dont get why she is more important, when my younger brother is with him once a fortnight.
Im doing an A level in psychology and just finished the course on stress and psychopathology so I often wonder about my repressed memories. For example I know I was somewhat abused, but not sexually or enough to leave a bruise, but for example my friends taught me 'Ip Dip Dog crap' (like eeny meeny miny mo) and I showed my dad and he slapped the back of my head every time I swore but didnt tell me why, so I just kept telling him. Also if my brothers and I were arguing he'd bang our heads together. But if this is what I remember what dont I remember?
I had a slight breakdown last night because recently Ive been getting fed up of my friends not talking to me much. All the female friends Ive ever had have stabbed me in the back so now I only have male friends, but the downside Ive discovered is that they wont sit and chat about anything thats bothering me. The closest things I had was my Straight 'Gay best friend' who decided he was my sister because he was obviously a *** girl. He would make me feel better, but now he has a girlfriend whos blatently using him but he doesnt care and now he wont talk to us for seeing shes a *****. So yeah.. back to what I was saying... I said something and my friend looked at me and looked away while I was talking which annoyed me so I went and sat alone. When my boyfriend found me sat behind a tree he tried making me come back, but my friends were only calling him back so I got upset (They once wouldnt talk to me because I was arguing with him too much so I thought they were fed up again). So one thing led to another and I ended up crying and saying no one cared and I dont even have friends that will have a real conversation with me and stuff and hes saying Im either depressed or bipolar because I was fine 5 minutes before. So now hes going to make me go to a doctor again. That or tell my mum. He was saying he would take me to his doctor in his town (he lives 20 mins on the train away) so I wouldnt get the same doctor again. I dont want to go, Im scared :(

I wouldnt mind meds to make me feel better but I dont like talking, because Ive tried talking to people I trust and they dont care, so why would someone I dont know and trust be any different.

My mother doesnt really 'neglect' me like dad does, I live with her but shes always going on about how she wants to live with her boyfriend and shes always down at his house (She stays at his when my brother is at dads). My cousin (Whose 16 years older than me and were so close I tell her shes secretly my mother) spent alot of time and effort cheering her up when they split, only to be ignored for her boyfriend so she doesnt care anymore, says shes just needy and that I should move in with her and her son, but most of the time she only half means it, because her son (7) loves me to death but wont behave when Im there. I Love them. They, and my boyfriend, are the only reason I dont want to do anything stupid.

Ive tried getting on with my dads girlfriend, but although my dad always insisted his home was my home, she moved in and suddenly I was treated like a guest. None of my friends understand why I hate her, but I just do.

I tried to answer most of the questions I read but I might have missed some, I also seem to have got caught up in myself again...

myjoy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 7/1/2010 3:56 AM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like you have a flood of things to talk about. Please go to the doctor - and don't worry about telling them stuff because that's what they get paid for. I used to think that about my psychiatrist too....but eventually learned to trust him, and he was always there for me (for 18yrs), until I moved last year.

You do need help - please take that step to take care of yourself.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, osteoarthritis, obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.

fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.


Lotskibob
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/1/2010 5:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Ive been trying for years to talk to someone about the bullying, but its so many people and its little things. I got told to tell one of the teachers every time someone upset me and within 2 days they were looking at me like 'Are you seriously reporting to me because someone looked at you funny and said a funny word'. I dont have a school atm, I have finished sixthform and I dont start at college until september, where I intend to attempt to chat to the counsellor (The one at my school treated me like i was wasting her time when I went with a friend). I called my boyfriend and left him a message saying he can call his doctor.

My parents arent divorced. Theyve been separated almost 6 years but my dad ignores the papers, he even managed to avoid the bailiffs.

My doctor suggested a counselling group but said they probably wouldnt take me. All the NHS doctors Ive seen are retards. I went in with pitoriasis (full body rash) and didnt like the doctor. My pediatrist is an annoying weirdo, yet the one who did my operation was lovely. I had a good doctor when I was little but he died, then the next good one retired. The only other 'good' doctor I liked almost killed my cousins baby. His heart was going crazy and he just told my cousins wife she was being a neurotic mother. 30 mins later they were A&E dunking him in a bucket of ice to save his life (he has the same heart problem as meatloaf). When I make millions cloning humans Im going private.
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