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relationships
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/4/2010 2:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I have never really done anything like this before, but I am becoming desperate for help. I have been in this relationship for 2 years now and engaged for one year. I really love him but lately I have just been getting more and more depressed. I have had a lot of infections so I cannot do as much as he wants me to do and holds it against me. I understand that is how a guy feels like he is in a true relationship, and he has never pressured me into anything. Lately however he has not been acting the same. Like today we were suppose to go to my families house to have a cookout and fireworks, but he woke up in a foul mood and doesn't want to go. He has laid around not wanting to do anything. I want to go to their house for fireworks and all, but I will just be lonely and upset the entire time. This has caused me to just want to lay around all day and not do anything. I have lost my appetite and just want to be alone. My family does not understand why I won't come without him, but I will be very lonely watching fireworks sitting by myself and just wishing he was with me. Their house is 30 minutes away so I know I will get upset on the way there and on the way back. Please help me. I need my relationship back to normal, to where I feel like I am loved and not like I am being hated. I just feel so distant that I want to cut myself off from the world and not have anyone in my life. This scares me because I have never been like this and I do not like it at all.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/4/2010 3:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,
 
Welcome to HealingWell.  I am going to be blunt.  Go to your familie's house and spend the 4th with them and have a good time.  Don't center your life around him.  Be able to do things on your own.  This is not the end of the world that he doesn't want to go.  I bet that he knows that you wont go because he isn't.  Fool him and go and have a good time.  I dare you... 
 
Really, I am seeing a lot of people who can't seem to function without the permission of their SO.  This isn't the way that it should be.  People should learn to live for themselves and then be together when you can.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder and familiarity breeds contempt.  I really should feel we all should be able to stand on our own and enjoy our lives by ourselves.  It makes the relationship so much more interesting. 
 
So Please... Go and have fun.  Tell him all about it when you get home. 
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/5/2010 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Icarus

I think you have to start your own thread so that you can  get answers that are just for you. You have attached your thread to the end of someone else's so you might not get the right advice. Why don't you try starting your own thread.


Harrington49


icarus123
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 7/5/2010 5:30 AM (GMT -7)   
oh okay . Thanx a lot .

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/5/2010 5:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Relationship

I agree with Karen, I think you should have gone to your parents and had a great time. I would have just to show him that you don't need him to have a good time, and remember YOU DON'T. Why do you let him make you feel like you can't do anything or go anywhere if he doesn't want to go? If I were you I would try and gain some self independence.

It sounds to me like there is some boredom in your relationship, which, I have got to say I am not surprised at, if all both of you want to do is lie around the house all day on the lounge. It's your summer, you should be outside doing what other young people do, bike ride, go to the beach, mow the lawn, weed the garden, go roller blading, anthing but lie around the house. Maybe you need to talk about a few things, but do it outside in the fresh air.

I understand you haven't been well but perhaps a walk in the sunshine would do you both the world of good.
Harrington49


relationships
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/5/2010 1:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I ended up going to my families house, but I was just sad and depressed the entire time. I could not have a good time, and that is not me. I guess I came across really dependent, but I am really independent. It is just that I work a full time job and take 18 hours of class, so I never get to spend time with him. When I try something like this always happens. He just wants to lay around and not do anything, but yet after I left yesterday he went bike riding with his friend. I just have a problem trying to find something he will do with me. He likes to play tennis and everything, but I do not. I like to go hiking so we can have time to ourselves without dying in the heat. However, when I do give in to do something with him, plans always change and we cannot be on the same page. This just puts me in a slump and I start feeling depressed. When I try to talk to him about it, he thinks that he isn't doing anything wrong and I cannot get through to him I just want to spend time with him. Also, since we have been together he has grown up so much I feel like I am attacking him knowing how much he has grown up. He has came from a very distant family and his grandparents had to raise him. I just don't know how to get through to him without sounding like a jerk. So I end up never saying anything and just feel more and more depressed. I just want to spend quality time with him but I can't figure anything out. I'm running out of options!!! =(

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/5/2010 10:52 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm glad you went to your family's house. Maybe your relationship needs a break to get back on track again. Why don't you move home with your family for a little while, still see him but at least that way you are not in each other's space all the time. He sounds like a normal sort of guy who enjoys doing things with his friends as well as you. If you give him a bit of space for a while and see what happens.

You know that saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? That is what I would probably do. Keep posting and let me know how you are going.
Harrington49


PurplePurple
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/7/2010 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Relationsip,

I can really relate to your work/school/partner situation, except I have been married over 6 years now. I know it sounds selfish, but you need to take care of yourself first. It is so important to your own health to maintain good relationships outside your dating/married life. It sounds like scheduling time to speak to your fiance about relationship issues would be beneficial, or to maybe set up a regular date night. If he is not willing to have this conversation or to take you seriously when you indicate a problem, this should be a HUGE red flag for you.

Good luck!

cute makker
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/8/2010 5:21 AM (GMT -7)   
hey.....what i m going to tell you is a little different than everyone else....its actually quite simple.. you go and confront him with whatever you are feeling...i know people will say never do that....he might get upset or whatever...but its probably nothing and you are just thinking too much about it...if you feel something tell it to your partner....do not say something like you have changed or something...instead ask him if somethings wrong...ask him if you have done something wrong...tell him how you feel....maybe its nothing what u think it is....maybe its just some problem at work or something....you ll knw everything once you talk about it...talk talk and talk.....dont impose or blame anything on him...we guys dont like blames even when its our fault....just discuss the issue.....and you ll find out that its nothing.......and yea relations do get stale after sometime so keep on doing things that ll keep him wondering....do funny things....relationships are all about loving and enjoying yourself....thats what you both need to do.....feel comfortable with him...and talk to him about what you feel and want to do.....

take care and god bless....its very simple...try it....

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/8/2010 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Good advice CuteMakker, keep posting.
Harrington49


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/8/2010 8:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Cutemakker,

Welcome to the forum. Please feel free to start a thread of your own and introduce yourself.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


cute makker
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/9/2010 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
hey.

thanks guys for the welcome....i hope i can be of some help....

god bless you all

horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 7/10/2010 5:49 PM (GMT -7)   
You are thinking in your head too much and you two are not talking.  You guys might need a jump start by going to a couples counselor who can help you with communication skills and all that good stuff.  But I do seem to see a couple red flags here....first of all, you are making all the effort, going nuts trying to think of stuff for you two to do, and he is just laying around.  When a relationship starts pulling you down and there seems to be more bad than good, as hard as this sounds, it is time for you to reevaluate the relationship.  Nobody should have that much control over your moods.  I think (I know this sounds harsh)  that you possibly went to your families house thinking you wouldn't have a good time instead of staying open to having a good time, so it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Like if a good kid is told over and over he is bad, he will start to think that and his behavior becomes bad.  Sometimes we set ourselves up for disappointment which can make us feel depressed.  For instance, I know without a doubt if I go to my husband to talk about something negative, he will shut me down.  I, who expected that this ONE time he would listen (even tho I know better), am all disappointed and crash into depression.  These are the kind of cycles relationships can get into and if it continues, the relationship will suffer.  I think right now you two are pulling each other down and if you don't fix this downward spiral, it will only get worse.  Really, if you two cannot resolve this yourselves, consider some professinal help.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polar I; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/10/2010 6:23 PM (GMT -7)   
I think Horse Crazy is right in saying that you set yourself up to fail at the family get together.  You said it was going to be a depressing time and it was.  You have the power to do the opposite.  You could have said "I am going to have fun" and you probably would have.  Now you had a miserable time and he went out with his friends.  What is that going to accomplish other than you will get more upset about it. 
 
And Horse Crazy is right when she said not to let anybody control your mood.  In actuality they can't.  We own our own moods, if somebody ruins our mood, it is because we let them.  So learn to be your own person and choose to be happy.  This can be done if you set your mind to it.
 
I also agree with couples counseling too.  It sounds like you two could really use that.  And if he doesn't want to go to counseling, go for you.  You could use the support right now and I think that it will help your thinking patterns too.  No more depressing thoughts, all happy ones.  Give it a try.  You can do it.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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