Sad and Crying

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SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 7/7/2010 12:12 AM (GMT -7)   
All day yesterday and still I been crying. I've been sad.  It makes my brothers 3rd anniversary death. He and his K9 partner died in Iraq 3 years ago to day of yesterday. It is so hard to move on. I've been keeping busy so I dont get too depressed as I have to take care of my grandmother. I miss my little brother so much, and it hurts that he and I weren't on speaking terms. I didn't start accepting his death til last year.
 
Smurfy Shadow/Desirèe 
DX: Wegener's Disease, Migraines, Diabetese Type II, PCOS, Lactose Intolerant, Benign Heart Murmer, Depression, Asthma, Asperger's Syndrome, Necrotizing Gramultous Inflamation in eye, A.D.D., Acid Reflux, Tumor Behind the Eye, Carpal Tunnel, Fibromyolgia, Clasterphobic, Arthritis
Medications:  Tri Nessa, Percocet, Metformin, Prilosec, Protonix, Zantac, Advair, Cingulair, Albuterol, Calcium + Vitamin D, Pro-Air, Pepcid, Rolaids, Zofran, Compuzeen, Refresh Plus Eye Drops  PRN: Epi-Pen, Albuterol Nebulizer, Benedryl
Undergoing Radiation Taking Lorazepam (Ativan) on Radiation Days


redroses3
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/7/2010 4:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry to hear that.

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/7/2010 4:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Smurfy

Sweetheart, I think you need grief counselling and possibly some meds. Have you seen your doctor lately? If you haven't then you need to see him/her as soon as you can.

You know life is hard and right now you are being really hard on yourself. I am sure whatever the problem was between you and your brother, he would be looking down on you now and he'd probably say "What problem Sis?" I am sure he has forgiven you. You can't keep torturing yourself, you have to get on with your life, knowing that he is in a better place and he has forgiven you. Have you tried speaking to a priest or minister, they might also be able to help you with accepting his forgiveness.

I hope you will keep posting and let me know how you are doing. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Harrington49


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 7/7/2010 7:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Smurf,

I am so sorry for your loss hon. And as Harrington said, he is probably looking down on you wishing you would realize that he forgave you. There is no anger or contempt in the afterlife. I really believe that. So hon, try to get some grief counseling, or regular counseling to help you go on. You are truly a good person hon, and you need to be lifted of this burden of thought.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Avarice
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/7/2010 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   
So sorry man. Really

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 7/8/2010 12:12 AM (GMT -7)   
It was a stupid fight we had. Really stupid. When he announced he was joining the ARMY, I had just been discharged. I told him how to get past boot camp, and told him I did not want him to go in. It was only because I wanted to protect him, instead I lost him. As far as grief counceling, I tried that, and at least accepted the death now. Well somewhat I have. I go once a month now. I was put into it after I jumped down my primary care doctors throat and mentally shut down right in front of him. He brought up the topic of the war two weeks after we got the news. He put me on depression medication and put me into counceling. I apologized about a half year later and told him why I had a break down. He told me if I had told him, he would of handled it differently. The only reason why the councelor even knew what happened is the doctor told her exactly what he said and I said. She figured out that I was fine til he brought up the topic of war, then I had that breakdown. So she knew it was war related, and remembered the recent state wide coming home event for a soldier's remains and maid the connection. One of my older brothers was in Iraq too, at the same time. With permission from the president we had my older brother escort my younger brother and his k9 partner's remains home and an agreement not to ship my older brother back out. I am now off of my depression meds, but I think it is time to put me back on it but I work to much taking care of my grandmother to be able to go to my doctor. She has Alhemiers and Dementia.
 
Smurfy Shadow/Desirèe 
DX: Wegener's Disease, Migraines, Diabetese Type II, PCOS, Lactose Intolerant, Benign Heart Murmer, Depression, Asthma, Asperger's Syndrome, Necrotizing Gramultous Inflamation in eye, A.D.D., Acid Reflux, Tumor Behind the Eye, Carpal Tunnel, Fibromyolgia, Clasterphobic, Arthritis
Medications:  Tri Nessa, Percocet, Metformin, Prilosec, Protonix, Zantac, Advair, Cingulair, Albuterol, Calcium + Vitamin D, Pro-Air, Pepcid, Rolaids, Zofran, Compuzeen, Refresh Plus Eye Drops  PRN: Epi-Pen, Albuterol Nebulizer, Benedryl
Undergoing Radiation Taking Lorazepam (Ativan) on Radiation Days


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/8/2010 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Smurfy

You know he would have probably forgotten about the argument with you, he had too much else on his mind. You are just torturing yourself over this and like you said it is time to go back on the meds. Can someone look after your grandmother while you go to the doctor's?

I am so glad your older brother didn't have to go back, he had done his duty for his country and I have to tell you, I shed a tear for your family when I read that he received special permission from the President to escort your younger brother home along with the K9. He must have had such mixed emotions swelling around inside of him at that time, broken hearted and yet so proud as well. I think that is one of the saddest things I have ever heard.

I think your family has given its all for your country, done more than their share and are to be commended. I know you probably don't want that, you would rather have your brother back, but he is in a better place now, he has no pain and he is in God's arms.

You are a wonderful young human being to be looking after your precious grandmother when no doubt she needs you most. Please try and get back to the doctor as soon as you can and believe that your brother would have forgiven you, it's not your fault. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are going. You are in my prayers.
Harrington49


SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 7/9/2010 12:41 AM (GMT -7)   
I can't believe how my day has gone today. You name it, it happened. My grandmother sick and I had to repeatedly clean the bathroom, the results of my MRI to see if I was still in remission came back by telephone and my cancer is back, starting pill form chemotherapy tomarrow. My 6 year old throwing rocks in the pool, me running out of bus money. And thinking of my brother. I've been thinking "ok what else is going to happen"
 
Smurfy Shadow/Desirèe 
DX: Wegener's Disease, Migraines, Diabetese Type II, PCOS, Lactose Intolerant, Benign Heart Murmer, Depression, Asthma, Asperger's Syndrome, Necrotizing Gramultous Inflamation in eye, A.D.D., Acid Reflux, Tumor Behind the Eye, Carpal Tunnel, Fibromyolgia, Clasterphobic, Arthritis
Medications:  Tri Nessa, Percocet, Metformin, Prilosec, Protonix, Zantac, Advair, Cingulair, Albuterol, Calcium + Vitamin D, Pro-Air, Pepcid, Rolaids, Zofran, Compuzeen, Refresh Plus Eye Drops  PRN: Epi-Pen, Albuterol Nebulizer, Benedryl
Undergoing Radiation Taking Lorazepam (Ativan) on Radiation Days


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/9/2010 1:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Smurfy

It's always the same, Murphy's Law, when you're down like you are, one thing goes wrong - everything goes wrong. I am so sorry for you, in fact I am really concerned about you. Where is your cancer, you have probably said in your signature so pardon my ignorance for not knowing but I am not familiar with a lot of the diseases you have, you poor darling.

I think it is time now you got some help, some serious help. Can you contact your local Human Services Dept they may be able to help you, I am not familiar with your system so I am probably not going to be of much help. But you have to get help for you now, maybe your grandmother might need to go to hospital for a little while till you get on your feet or can someone help you with her?.

I am so sorry for you, I wish I could help you more but please keep posting and let us know how you are going. Hang in there Smurfy.
Harrington49


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 7/9/2010 7:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Smurfy,
 
I, like Harrington, am wondering about your cancer.  Can you tell us a little more.  I am so sorry hon, this must be so difficult for you.  Luckily you can take the chemo pill and not have to go through interveinous chemo. 
 
Please do tell us more about your situation and know that we are all here to support you.  Know that I am thinking about you and wish you the best.  Keep posting as this is a good support system. 
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 7/9/2010 12:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I got to the doctor yesterday cuz I had to pick up the chemotherapy pills. My cancer is my left eye. I look like a mess, but I'm used to my eye beeing swollen shut. I saw my oncologist on call yesterday. I called my mom in tears, and she came over yesterday and drove me and the kid to a friends house about 30 miles away, and told me to not come back til saturday night. At least I don't have to take care my grandma til tomarrow night. She knows I do a lot taking care of my grandma, and she even told me today that I have permission to hire someone to come in two days a week for the day and give me breaks with her while I take care of myself since I have to handle chemo. My mom told my other grandparents, who told my uncles, and my uncles texted me today the one that is in the state, told me he'd help me just to let him know. It is nice to know I'm going to get support this time. Last time I did the chemo all on my own.
 
Smurfy Shadow/Desirèe 
DX: Wegener's Disease, Migraines, Diabetese Type II, PCOS, Lactose Intolerant, Benign Heart Murmer, Depression, Asthma, Asperger's Syndrome, Necrotizing Gramultous Inflamation in eye, A.D.D., Acid Reflux, Tumor Behind the Eye, Carpal Tunnel, Fibromyolgia, Clasterphobic, Arthritis
Medications:  Tri Nessa, Percocet, Metformin, Prilosec, Protonix, Zantac, Advair, Cingulair, Albuterol, Calcium + Vitamin D, Pro-Air, Pepcid, Rolaids, Zofran, Compuzeen, Refresh Plus Eye Drops  PRN: Epi-Pen, Albuterol Nebulizer, Benedryl
Undergoing Radiation Taking Lorazepam (Ativan) on Radiation Days


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 7/9/2010 12:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Desiree,
 
I am so happy that you have your family helping you.  I took care of my grandmother (who was my adopted mother) too.  Even had to fight the family to make sure that she got good care, it was a mess.  But I always did what was in her best interest and I think that the Lord helped me though it.  So you can't go wrong when you help somebody like that, and it will come back to you one day when you are in need.  Kind of like getting a gold star or something. 
 
But yes, you need a little time off to recouperate.  You have been through a lot.  I saw your post in fibromyalgia and you sure did have a rough day.  But fortunately there was a kind person who helped you and I am so happy for that.  Waiting for busses is the pits.  And to have them so far in between has to be hard.  I am so glad that she picked you up and gave you a ride.  It goes to show that there are still good people in this world.  And that alone makes me feel good.
 
I am hoping that everything gets better for you.  Are you able to see out of this eye?  I sure hope so.  I hope that the cancer goes away to never return and that you have full sight out of that eye.  Let us know how things are going.   The depression forum gets a little slow on the weekends.  So if you don't hear from somebody don't be bummed.  It always picks up during the week.   I guess people other than me get a life on the weekends.  lol...
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


myjoy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 7/9/2010 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Smurfy......here's a big *hug* for you. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I'm very happy that you are geting help, though. That will make a ton of difference for you.

Please take good care of yourself during this chemo treatment. And come back often to tell us how you are doing.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, osteoarthritis, obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.

fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.


cute makker
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/9/2010 1:44 PM (GMT -7)   
hey smurfy.....

i know that no words can make a difference and no words i can say that can console you in any way.....and i am really really very sorry for your loss....i know how much it hurts to lose a loved one.....but you know what....whenever you think of your brother ...be proud....be very very proud....what he did for the country and for you......thank him for that....he is a hero.....and he lives inside of you.....dont cry ....and dont feel sad.....he was a soldier..... he served his country....proudly....i know its very hard....but try to think of him as the one who made a difference.....who fought for you and your country and people......trust me ...he was a brave guy....better than all of us....and somewhere he must be watching you.....and it will dishearten him to see you like this.....trust me ....you dont need medicines....you dont need anybodies sympathy or words......you just need to be proud of him.....feel that love he felt for his country.....you ll see him infront of you.....i promise....if you do this...if you feel proud....your pain and his pain (** seeing you like this).....will go away.....be very proud of him......and keep on loving him....keep him there in your heart ......

god bless.....and take care....

be good...

regards

cutemakker

cute makker
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/9/2010 1:53 PM (GMT -7)   
hey

again......and about the fight between you and him.....i m pretty much sure that he knew that you were trying to look out for him....and he wanted to tell you that hey sis cmon i m big enough i ll look out for you....he loved you and you love him .....and m sure he knows that.....and he wants to see you healthy and doing well.....so you have to make your brother proud and take care of yourself.....ok...just love him and live your life for him......

god bless

cutemakker

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/9/2010 5:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Desiree

I am so glad you are getting some help from both the family and the other. You are so very strong but we all need help in some way and thank goodness you are getting some.

You have to look after yourself now, take each day at a time and see how things go. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you will make a good recovery.

Remember I am thinking of you.
Harrington49


SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 7/10/2010 12:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I made an doctor appointment on Tuesday with my regular doctor. I think everyone is right, it is time to start my depression meds again. I just get so overwhelmed with all I do, and I break down. And yes I post in fibromyalgia too, as I have that as well.
 
Smurfy Shadow/Desirèe 
DX: Wegener's Disease, Migraines, Diabetese Type II, PCOS, Lactose Intolerant, Benign Heart Murmer, Depression, Asthma, Asperger's Syndrome, Necrotizing Gramultous Inflamation in eye, A.D.D., Acid Reflux, Tumor Behind the Eye, Carpal Tunnel, Fibromyolgia, Clasterphobic, Arthritis
Medications:  Tri Nessa, Percocet, Metformin, Prilosec, Protonix, Zantac, Advair, Cingulair, Albuterol, Calcium + Vitamin D, Pro-Air, Pepcid, Rolaids, Zofran, Compuzeen, Refresh Plus Eye Drops  PRN: Epi-Pen, Albuterol Nebulizer, Benedryl
Undergoing Radiation Taking Lorazepam (Ativan) on Radiation Days


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 7/10/2010 12:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I have fibromyalgia too. And that plus depression and all the other stuff that you have going on, no wonder you feel the way that you do. I think you are smart by seeing your doctor.

Please post and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 7/10/2010 12:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Well now Karen, I hope you had that considering its in your dx :p
Now how funny is this, when I read your response in fibro I was confused then saw you as moderator to both groups lol.
 
Smurfy Shadow/Desirèe 
DX: Wegener's Disease, Migraines, Diabetese Type II, PCOS, Lactose Intolerant, Benign Heart Murmer, Depression, Asthma, Asperger's Syndrome, Necrotizing Gramultous Inflamation in eye, A.D.D., Acid Reflux, Tumor Behind the Eye, Carpal Tunnel, Fibromyolgia, Clasterphobic, Arthritis
Medications:  Tri Nessa, Percocet, Metformin, Prilosec, Protonix, Zantac, Advair, Cingulair, Albuterol, Calcium + Vitamin D, Pro-Air, Pepcid, Rolaids, Zofran, Compuzeen, Refresh Plus Eye Drops  PRN: Epi-Pen, Albuterol Nebulizer, Benedryl
Undergoing Radiation Taking Lorazepam (Ativan) on Radiation Days


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 7/10/2010 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, I do moderate in both forums.  Forgot I had my dx in the signature.  lol...  Fibrofog, that is my excuse anyway.  I think that the depression kind of follows the fibro as we are struggling so much.  Along with a little grief and anger.  But once we get use to the dx, and finally know what we are up against, I think that it gets a little easier.  But there is that long adjustment period that we all face.  And sometimes depression can cause you physical pain too, so it is like a catch 22, they kind of effect the other.  With all that you have going on though, you really need the extra support.  Know that I understand and do care.  Glad to see you posting.  The weekends are generally slower here, so not a lot of people post.  But the week is busy sometimes.
 
Enjoy your day.  I hope that it is painfree.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 7/10/2010 1:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen, you all and you have been wonderful support. One of things I like about the orums here, is that we all understand, I mean truelly understand. One will want to help, but not really understand. I'm actually really tired today must be the fibrofog :p
 
Smurfy Shadow/Desirèe 
DX: Wegener's Disease, Migraines, Diabetese Type II, PCOS, Lactose Intolerant, Benign Heart Murmer, Depression, Asthma, Asperger's Syndrome, Necrotizing Gramultous Inflamation in eye, A.D.D., Acid Reflux, Tumor Behind the Eye, Carpal Tunnel, Fibromyolgia, Clasterphobic, Arthritis
Medications:  Tri Nessa, Percocet, Metformin, Prilosec, Protonix, Zantac, Advair, Cingulair, Albuterol, Calcium + Vitamin D, Pro-Air, Pepcid, Rolaids, Zofran, Compuzeen, Refresh Plus Eye Drops  PRN: Epi-Pen, Albuterol Nebulizer, Benedryl
Undergoing Radiation Taking Lorazepam (Ativan) on Radiation Days


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 7/10/2010 2:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I had a horrible time for about five days a few days back when it was really hot and humid here.  I was so exhausted.  And it seemed like it would never end.  Am doing better today and really excited because my hb put my swing up.  Now I can sit outside and swing in it. 
 
Hope that the fibrofog lifts.  I truly do understand what you mean.  It can really get frustrating.  I can't remember what I did the day before anymore.  I am getting use to it, but it was really hard in the beginning.  Always trying to think of words that I had forgotten.  Walking into a room and forgetting what you are there for.  It just gets so overwhelming at times.  But try to have a sense of humor about it.  It really does help.  We aren't perfect anyway.  So what will a little fibrofog do to us?  It is the flares that get me.  The worst pain ever and the fatigue is something else.  I can handle pain better than I can handle fatigue. 
 
Glad that you are posting here.  It is nice to see you in fibro too.  Keep your chin up and know that we are all here supporting you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 7/11/2010 4:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Omg Karen, hers a fibrofog for you. I forgot the library moved locations and I walked to the "library" well, where it was. It is now the police station and I walked into this police station of a small town of 800 population where you walk everywhere in two miles and looked around had a confused look and an officer asked me if he could help me cuz i looked lost. I told him i was lost and i thought i walked into the library LOL
 
Smurfy Shadow/Desirèe 
DX: Wegener's Disease, Migraines, Diabetese Type II, PCOS, Lactose Intolerant, Benign Heart Murmer, Depression, Asthma, Asperger's Syndrome, Necrotizing Gramultous Inflamation in eye, A.D.D., Acid Reflux, Tumor Behind the Eye, Carpal Tunnel, Fibromyolgia, Clasterphobic, Arthritis, Anxiety
Medications:  Tri Nessa, Percocet, Metformin, Prednisone, Cingulair, Albuterol, Pro-Air, Morphine, Rolaids, Zofran, Compuzeen, Refresh Plus Eye Drops, Percocet, Immuran, Alvesco, Allerga, Gabapentin, Visteral  PRN: Epi-Pen, Albuterol Nebulizer, Benedryl Undergoing Chemotherapy Taking Lorazepam (Ativan) For MRIs and Anxiety, Surpressed Immune Sytem


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/11/2010 5:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Smurfy

That is funny, that bought a smile to my face, I have this picture of a lady walking into the cop shop, thinking it was the library I bet the cop was confused as well when you told him you thought it was the library lol.

You sound a lot better in yourself, I hope you are feeling better. Have you got all your meds sorted now? Remember we are here for you Desiree and we do genuinely care about you.

You are so brave for coping so well with all that God has put on your plate, he knows you are a very strong woman and can cope.

Good on you Desiree.
Harrington49


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 7/11/2010 5:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Desiree,
 
Yeah, I got a chuckle out of that one too.  Too cute. 
 
I was walking my dog one day and was talking to the neighbor and saying my dog was scared of lawnmowers, but when I said it I said, "my dog is scared of watermelon".  I don't know where that word watermelon came from, I wasn't even thinking of it.  She laughed so hard and so did I.  We have to laugh at ourselves or we would be forever crying I think.
 
I hope that you are having a wonderful day.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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