New relationship

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chris21
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/8/2010 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   
 
    My fiance was previoulsy married and has two boys 9 and 12. Her ex- usually comes by the house to pick the boys up every other weekend. This causes me stress but me and the ex get along fine. I feel like my fiance and her boys and ex have a bond that I just can't compete with, it makes me feel like i'm not wanted or expendable. I love her alot. Also my fiance is very independent and doesn't call me much or check in with me when she runs erronds for long periods of time, I start thinking she is cheating on me sometimes but i'm sure she is not. I think its just me. I was abused as a child mentally and physically, She left one time to get a hair cut and didn't come home til late and didn't call to say she would be late I was worried. I didn't call her because I didn't want to appear controlling. When I was home alone I cleaned the whole house, folded all her clothes, and cooked dinner. I was anxious and nervouse that I was being takin a fool of. Why am I feeling like this? Does anyone have any input on this pleases thank you. cry

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 7/8/2010 12:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Chris,
 
I do think that there is a bond there when you are with somebody who has previously had a family.  The children will always come first.  But that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you terribly.  But it is something that you are going to have to live with until the boys are of age, and probably still after that.  So you have to accept that and live with it if you want to have a relationship with her. 
 
Don't get into that jealous mode.  That is just going to ruin your relationship with her.  I know that it is hard, but checking on her would not only make you look controlling, but also insecure.  So don't even go there. 
 
I have noticed a lot of people always text and call their partners.  But to me it is childish and does make the other one look possessive or immature.  Though a lot of young people do that.  A lot of times when I go somewhere I don't even carry my cell phone, because I don't want people bothering me.  Maybe she feels secure enough in the relationship that she doesn't feel the need to call you. 
 
I do think that you are projecting some.  Try to have faith in your relationship.  Take each day as it comes and try to go with the flow of things.  I am not saying your situation with the ex and kids is going to be easy.  It may not, but you can make it work.  If you love her enough you will make it work.  And always keep the childrens best interest at heart.  That way you can't go wrong.  But know it is their decision if anything needs to be done about anything.  I think you can understand what I am saying, having trouble getting the right words out.
 
Best of luck with your situation.  Keep posting.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


chris21
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/8/2010 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   
  Thank You for the reply I really appreciate it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 7/8/2010 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Just so that you know, it is not the easiest thing to do, but it can be done. You have to have the right mindset. You have to be able to go with the flow of things. There are always going to be things coming up with the kids that demands both parents attention.

I hope that you are able to do it. Don't give up.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/8/2010 10:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Chris


I think when you are in a relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship there is ALWAYS going to be times when her and the ex have to go somewhere together because of the kids and you won't be included. Are they divorced or just separated?
It is only normal for you to experience some jealousy as it is a big thing they have between them - their kids. Do you get on okay with the kids? So the kids live with you and your fiancee most of the time, right? Does your fiancee know how you are feeling?

Personally, I think when she went to get her hair cut and didn't come back til late, she should have paid you the courtesy of a phone call. How would she have reacted if it had been you? I think you should discuss this with her, that is not checking up or being jealous, it is just plain courtesy especially as you had cooked dinner. If you let it go she will do that again and I think that is you being taken for granted.
So if I were you I would talk to her about that incident and how you felt, be honest and tell her.

You can't be blamed for being a little insecure but I don't think its jealousy. You sound like a good partner who is willing to pull his weight around the house but don't keep things bottled up, talk to her about how you are feeling.

Good luck and let us know how things turn out, remember you are amongst friends here.
Harrington49

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