Bad, bad day...

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ffks83
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/9/2010 1:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Haven't posted much but I've just been having an awful day. Need to vent a little bit.
My boyfriend and I have just recently gotten back together and we are giving our relationship another try.
We promised each other that we would continue to work on our individual issues - my depression and his lack of patience, especially when it comes to me.
For a little background, after almost 9 years together, he decided that he needed some time away from me because he couldn't handle my depression. We reunited last weekend and for the most part, even when we were on the break, we still got along fine and things were progressing in a positive direction.

Well we decided to go ahead and make a large purchase - we were supposed to go in 50/50. He did all the research and finally decided on which one to purchase. We were supposed to put a deposit on it today, but my finances fell through. He became very upset, understandably so, and I felt so bad. However, these days I'm trying so hard to see the positive side of things and told him that we can make the purchase at a later date when we are sure that our finances are in order. That's when things started to get bad - he is very stubborn, as am I, although I'm working on letting the little things go. It's just not worth it to get worked up over little things.

He said that he wasted his time and the seller's time and called himself an idiot. Then went on to say that he will have to tell his older sister what happened. He really respects his sister and always listens to what she says. In fact, it was after talking to her about our relationship that he decided that he needed a break. I asked him what exactly he was going to tell her. He said, "I'm going to tell her that I depended on you (meaning me) and she will think that I'm (meaning him) an idiot."

I said that I didn't think she needed to know all the details of what happened, just that the deal fell through, but he insisted that he needed to tell her. Now maybe it's the depression talking, but it seems to me as if he's throwing me under the bus. He already told her that we were having problems and she suggested that he take a break from our relationship. In my mind, she already has a low opinion of me. Now if he was to tell her this latest development, which I think is really none of her business, I'm afraid that she's going to tell him that I cannot be trusted or depended on and he will again listen to her and once again, our relationship will be broken.

When he told me that he wanted a break he said that it was because I had made him the center of my world and he was uncomfortable with that. I'm now getting help and actually making small steps to focusing on myself. And now that I know what I want out of this relationship, I am extremely angry when he constantly differs to his sister on decisions we are supposed to make as a couple. How is it fair that he doesn't like me to focus too much of my attention on him, while he is almost making his sister the center of our relationship? I understand that she is his older sister and that he respects her, but shouldn't some things between a couple remain between a couple, especially when it comes to finances?

I know we are not married yet, but he has said that he wants to make me his wife someday. I am working so hard to become a better person and it seems as if he has reverted back to his old habits, now that we are back together. He's back to pushing the same buttons and saying the same things that he knows very well will make me upset.

I refuse to let him bring me back to the place that I am trying so hard to move away from. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to feel like staying in bed all day. I'm finally making some progress and I'm afraid he's going to drag me back to where I don't want to be. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I will not allow anyone to drag me back to that hell again, especially over something that seems so simple to solve.

I've asked him again to give it a lot of thought whether he is fully committed to making our relationship work. As much as I love him and as much as I want to have a family with him, I cannot and will not let his stubbornness bring me down again. I'm hoping he will come to his senses and realize that we are good together. But I'm afraid that he's going to say that he no longer wants to be with me. I had a hard time dealing with our temporary break and I'm afraid that I may never recover from a full break-up. We've been together for so long and if he were to throw that all away because of something so simple will just break my heart.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to vent. Thank you for reading.

Fiona

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 7/9/2010 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Fiona,
 
I agree with you that he got way too upset over a little thing.  You can always purchase the item later on.  It sounds like he built it up to his sister when he shouldn't have because he didn't know for sure that he was going to get this item.  So I totally agree, it is no big deal.  But don't let this become a big deal either.  Let it roll off of your back.
 
As far as his sister being in the middle of your relationship, that would probably bother me too.  It is as if he can't make a move without her and that would put a huge strain on the relationship as far as I am concerned.  It should be about him and you and nobody else.  So I think you have a right to be upset.  Though I wouldn't let it bring you down.  You have worked far too hard and come way to far to let this bring you down.  So keep your self in gear to continue to move forwards.  Not back.
 
I do have full confidence that you wont let this bring you down.  None of it.  Keep posting and know that we are here for you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/9/2010 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Fiona

I think you have proved just how strong you are, making the progress you have, it sounds to me like you have realised what was wrong in your relationship i.e. your depression and his impatience but I think the biggest thing is his sister. Okay, so he respects her opinion on everything but that doesn't mean he has to discuss every single aspect of your relationship with her.

He is acting like a kid over the purchase, that I take it was a house, is that right? You know I believe if you missed out this time for whatever reason, well you just weren't meant to get it. Maybe it just wasn't the right time, I know it is disappointing and you probably really wanted that one, but there must be a better purchase (house) waiting for you two to come along.

Although I don't know you, but I really admire you the way you have decided that nothing or no-one is going to drag you back to that dark place where you can't get out of bed and you can't function as a person. I say good on you, you are so strong.

I hope he will realise how childish he is being and not tell his sister, but she is the third wheel in your relationship. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are going and good luck, you deserve it for being so strong.
Harrington49


ffks83
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 7/9/2010 7:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much Karen and Harrington for the vote of confidence.

I have realized that I have a right to be angry and upset. Whereas previously I had hidden my feelings from him for fear that he would leave me, I am now trying to get accustomed to standing up for myself. It can be difficult at times because I had grown so comfortable with retreating and avoiding conflict. But once I took that step and said that I have to stand up for myself because no one else is going to do it for me, I have been feeling better everyday. Sure there are times when circumstances arise that still get me down and I start to retreat, but I always remember that feeling of freedom and I try my hardest to, as Karen said, let it roll off my back.

My bf and I had a long talk this evening and he finally realized that missing out this time is not the end of the world. He has also said that he understands my need to keep some things private and that his sister is just that - his sister - and not the third person in our relationship. Although it is still difficult to get through to him when he's upset, I think he has more respect for me now that I am able to vocalize my feelings and thoughts, rather than just running away from them. And I've noticed that he is much more willing to talk through our problems now.

I know I still have a long way to go in dealing with my depression, but I am learning everyday. Just remember, life is too short. Although I am new to this forum and may not post very much, I find comfort in reading other people's posts because I know that I am not alone. For everyone else who reads this, if your gut is telling you that something may be wrong, don't be afraid to get some help. I tried to ignore my gut feelings for a long time and my depression just got worse. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Please don't hesitate.

And Harrington it was a car =)

Thanks again Karen and Harrington

harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 7/10/2010 12:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Fiona

You are showing your strength and how far you have really come. Its great you can express your feelings now to your partner rather than retreat into yourself and you don't feel bad about voicing your opinion and standing up for yourself because like you said if you don't then nobody else will either.

I hope it continues to improve for you, and you and your boyfriend will get closer and through this together taking each day as it comes.

I wish you good luck Fiona.
Harrington49

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