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Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 11
Posted 7/13/2010 10:20 PM (GMT -6)
So I guess I should say I hope you had a happy day.
I was very stressed today. I nearly lost my wallet and Walmart thought I was shoplifting. I ended up smoking a pack today and it calmed me down but I wont be doing that again. I got an email from my husband which means he is alive. Which I find to be a good thing.
I woke up early because AC repair men were in the house and I can't sleep with strangers around.
When I move I will be visiting a doctor. I would do it sooner but my mother has cut me from her insurance and the Navy insurance hasn't started up yet. I've never trusted doctors to be honest. I don't trust many people either way.
This is the part of my post where I tell you more about
Growing up I was isolated from other people. My world revolved around caring for my family. I was taught very early how to cook, clean, change diapers and other house hold chores. The moment I grasped how I was the one set to do them. The same for my younger sister and brother. There came a point where the adults never did any house hold chores. My parents were gone all day and night leaving me to care for my sister and brother. Thats not easy when your only five. Its even harder when your father comes home and screams at everyone. No matter how hard I tried he would always find something wrong with what I did. I didn't clean up enough, I didn't pay enough attention to my siblings etc. He would yell and say that I had no rights and he could take everything from me. I lived in the fear that he would carry out his threats and lock me away in my small room. I can't say much about
my mother. All she ever did was watch T.V. and work. She never paid attention to us children and fought with my dad whenever he was home.
Eventually they divorced when I was about
eleven. My father had custody of all the children and my mother then became a part time parent. Suddenly I had to take on every responsibility my mother had when she was around. My father became even more absent and angry. He yelled more, threw things and put many holes in the walls of the apartments we stayed at. All I could ever do was rush my siblings into their rooms and hope he didn't seek them out. I let him yell at me and lecture me. I took the blame for whatever happened unless he knew they did it. I lied every chance I could to protect them and myself. It got to the point where all I did was lie to him and every other adult. I've worked hard to stop doing that. I know I don't have to anymore but I'm afraid of people. It's not easy to trust even when your not afraid.
Thats enough for tonight. My bad day made me think of all this stuff so I thought I would share. Its easier to do things like this, online where there is no face or name. I don't feel the compulsion of lie if no one knows its me speaking.
So thanks for reading this even though its a bit long. Thanks for caring and wanting to help a stranger. I hope you all find a reason to smile everyday. I'm trying to.
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THE HAPPY TURTLE
Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18553
Posted 7/13/2010 10:49 PM (GMT -6)
thx 4 your honest sharing. my situation growing up is somewhat similar. you have been brave in posting this, it helps, i know, and i never hold back either. the compassion and understanding in this community is beautful and carthaartic. trust is hard 2 come back to, i went thru this as well. i think some conselling will help you greatly. hard i know, but to give trust, to the right people then you will receive it. helps build up a network of close and respected people you can call upon in a pinch. it is time 4 you. keep being brave and seek some assistance. keep posting my friend, we do care. with compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40386
Posted 7/14/2010 10:39 AM (GMT -6)
I can't believe that your parents left you home alone with your siblings when you were five. Where were their heads? I am sorry that you had such a scarey upbringing. But you are older now. I recommend counseling for you. It would help a lot. YOu can then seperate the child from the adult and get on with your life. Live for you.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 12
Posted 7/14/2010 12:34 PM (GMT -6)
I think counselling would do you good, but if you get the choice, try not to go for CBT. It can be an extremely abrasive therapy, and in your situation it may make you feel as if some of your negative emotions from childhood are 'faulty thinking' which they are not. Different peoples childhoods can be abusive for different reasons, physically, mentally, emotionally, and to a different degree. I for example had seemingly loving parents throughout childhood, but they still both seem to make me feel unworthy of their time and attention. You have the right to feel the way you do about
your upbringing (which is why I dont suggest CBT) but that doesnt mean you should suffer from it. What you need to do is move on from that part of your life, look at what you have now, a husband and a home, you have physically left it all behind, but you need to emotionally leave it behind you, which is where I think therapy can help
Im sorry for my lack of help on the position you are in, Im unsure of your age but I am relatively young in comparison and so cant quite get the right perspective.
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