not sure if I am in the right place

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/18/2010 3:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello.  I am new and apologize because I have never been told that i suffer from depression by a dr or anything.  I just needed somewhere to turn and vent and see if anyone has any thoughts on how to keep myself motivated.  I have been caring for a terminally ill parent for eight years now.  Three of them on  my own.  I have three siblings.  One is a drug addict in rehab but still struggling to fight the urges and losing the battle it seems  (this one used to help me out but is now not trustworthy).  One has every disease under the sun (or so they say and only has time to care for themself).  And the other just choses to be completly uninvolved unless it's just to stop and visit and go on about thier day ignoring any pleas for help.  I have learned over the years that i cant change other people but only how I react to them so it's a waste of my time getting uspet that they wont/cant help me.  Over the past two years my other parent (they are separated) has been dealing with cancer and also needs help from time to time and is facing very risky surgery in the next few weeks. 
So, I am feeling soooooooooo overwhelmed.  I dont have enough hours in a day to take care of everyones needs, work full time, and try to keep my own household up and running.  I have to grocery shop for 3 houses, clean two, do laundry for two,   manage finances for two, maintain the yards at three.  Not to mention my work is overwhelmingly stressful and i never ever stop moving there.  I'd love to find another job but fmla doesnt kick in for a year and i miss work often so i would have trouble keeping another job.  Not working is not an option as I have bills to pay as well as have to help my parents with med costs, food expenses, etc.   I never ever ever get a break.  Even if someone offers to tend to the terminally ill parent I cant rest unless i see for myself that things are tended to because i have been doing it for so long and no one else knows exactly what needs done.
I haven't been able to sleep for months.  I often wake in a complete panic with an unshakable feeling that something is horribly wrong - despite the fact that I know that nothing is truely earth shatteringly wrong.
People say i should just hire help - thats financially not possible.  Some say i should force my siblings to help - thats a losing battle.
Lately i find myself very upset - whether it be like a raging lunatic or a sobbing ball of mess.  I have to keep reminding myself to get it together and go on about my day.
I really just dont know how one person is supposed to be able to single handly do all this yet there are no resources to alievate some of the pressures of myself.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40403
   Posted 7/18/2010 3:43 PM (GMT -6)   
HI Sammy,
Have you tried to get any help from the state, or hospice to come in and lend you a hand?  Hospice is wonderful, providing that the person is terminally ill, I am not sure.  Forgive my memory.  But check with the department of human services and see if anybody is elligable for some help.  They might pay somebody to come in and sit with the cancer patient or help with some cleaning or even yard work.  See what is available to you and your family.
What you are doing is a lot.  I use to take care of my mother and grandmother plus run my own household.  It isn't easy and it is draining.  I don't know how you do it.  And I understand what you mean about you being the only one to do it.  You have to check and make sure the person was cared for properly.  But you do have to come to realize that others are capable of doing things too.  You have a huge load right now and it needs to be divided up. 
How old are your siblings?  It seems that they could help.  Even if they don't want to.  It isn't fair that you are carrying the whole burden.  But I am sure in ways it does keep you going. 
Feel free to vent here.  It helps to get some of this off of your shoulders.  We totally understand where you are coming from.  People like us often do carry the burden of others, but what happened to me was it started to effect my health.   So I had to distance myself from my family.  I hope that it doesn't come to that with you.  That is why you should get help with this now.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/18/2010 4:06 PM (GMT -6)   
This is just a suggestion I thought of, no idea if it's possible of applicable in your situation. Taking care of the yards for multiple households and doing laundry for two households is a challenge in itself...the struggle you describe in taking care of that and everything else...sounds draining. about the yard--depending on where you live and what type of neighborhood there are probably some kids in their teens or early 20s that might need some extra cash right now. I know you mentioned not having a ton of money to pay for extra help, but teens and 20 somethings would probably be willing to work for a very low rate right now--the economy and all taking it's toll on their budgets as well.
The laundry would probably be the same way...perhaps there is a member in your community that understands where your coming from and might be able to help a few days a week--just to help out. I personally have a "giving" spirit like that and I like to help out whenever I can..maybe someone in your neighborhood is like that too.

Those are just a couple suggestions--just throwing them out there. If you ever need someone to vent to, we're all here for you =)

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there”

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 7/18/2010 6:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sammy,  I understand what you are going through as I took care of my mother
in my own home for 10yrs. I was lucky that she could afford a caregiver during the day while I worked but I was on duty when I came home and all weekends. You say you are not eligible for FLMA. How long do you have to work there to get this option? You have been given great ideas from Karen and che. If your parents are both 65 then they have medicare. If they have no income they might have SSI. Have you called the Social Security Administration and asked if either quallfies for disability? They may also qualify for medicaid if there is no money. You say your father has cancer. Is he terminal? And how about your mother? They may both qualify for hospice care and even if they are not yet terminal hospice provides what is called palliative care and you should be able to have someone come in for that. Also hospice has volunteers who will come to your home and relieve you for a few hours so you can get out or just rest. The  volunteers are highly trained and qualified. It is true that you could find some neighborhood kids who could help with the yard care. So many kids cannot get summer jobs and probably jump at the idea of earning a few dollars. Do you belong to a church where you can have a Pastor come in for a visit? This would give you some respite. I think it is time to sit your sister down and tell her she needs to do her share to help you. She is being incredibily selfish only coming for a visit and not doing any work. She needs to pull her weight here. They are her parents too. Do you have a Senior center near your? Most Senior centers also have volunteers who can come in to your home and sit with your mother, keep her company or read to her for a few hours. There are many possibilities for help, it just takes time to call around and find the answers. If your parents do qualify for medicaid which is state run, they are probably eligible for a state run
nursing home. I know you may not like that idea but if that is what will help you then you need to look into it. I just went back and read your post. You mentioned one of your parents is terminally ill. If this parent is likely to succumb in six months then he or she is eligible for hospice. I truly understand how overwhelmed you are. It is such a tough situation to be in. I became very depressed while caring for my mother and I ended up putting on a lot of weight which I am still trying to lose. But you do have some options so please try to look into these to get some help. Your sister who only visits and doesn't help should tell you why she won't and I would put her on a real guilt trip. She is selfish and it will come back to her. Please try to take care of yourself and post here anytime you need to vent. By the way who cares for your mother while you are working?  I would try to get your sister to at least come and do the laundry. Sending you prayers.
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