havn't been on in a while because I've been on a school camping trip with the whole of my year group.
basically, it's the summer holidays tommorrow so i get to get away from the worst place ever, I know most teens hate school, but I really do hate it (more about that in a bit)
Things at home are tense and me and my mum are always arguing and fighting and it's really getting me down. We try and get aling but it just doesn't work. Nothing seems to be right and we just argue all day everyday and I just want to get out the house most of the time because it's like walking on eggshells at home. Holiday in 2 weeks time, but I don't want to go, family holidays never turn out well.
School. Well, the girls are still giving me mega trouble. They just won't stop. If I walk past they bark like dogs or whisper things or give me dirty looks or anything really. It doesn't seem like much, but I know that most of my school hates me so it is kind of annoying when I know everyone talks crap about me. I only have 3 real friends, 1 of which is moving schools tommorrow and another is my boyfriend.
Things aren't looking up at the moment. For no reason I just cry into my pillow at night and I wish I could just be happy. I try to forget everything and everyone bad in my life, but it feels like they are always there and everything bad eventually chases me and catches me. I'm scared of ruining things so I try and keep a distance or not to be too close to people, because I know in the end I am going to loose them and I don't want to put myself through the pain again. One of my best friends is leaving my school and she was one of the only people who stick up for me and actually shouts at the bullies, she is always there for me to talk to but now she's going I don't know what I'm going to do. I know eventually me and my boyfriend are going to split up (hopefully not soon) and I don't want to get to close after the last incedent; the last boyfriend I went out with for over a year before splitting up with started the depression and all the bullying and everything bad at school. It's his fault that I hate going to the school, but I know I should of been a better girlfriend and done more of what he wanted and maybe things would be different and I wouldn't be unhappy most of the time. Anyway, my current boyfriend is so kind and caring but I'm scared I am going to get hurt again, and I don't want to be hurt again, it's hard to explain but I just don't want to be hurt. My best friend who isn't leaving school is eventually going to go to a different college than me and I'm going to be left with noone because we will drift apart. If I start this process now then it will hurt less in the long run. It's better to have friends than best friends. You get hurt less.
Today we had an assembly on looking on the bright side of each day and depression and the results of it and effects. We were told to think of one good thing about each day, and my good thing today was being with my best friend and boyfriend. But when I'm happy I always have this little something niggling in the corner, because I know as soon as that happiness is gone I will be worse than ever. Recently I've cried for no reason at night other than hating everything, sometimes I go to school and refuse to speak to people, even my friends, because I just feel too unhappy to speak. It's hard to explain. Everything was fine until 5 months ago- but since the incedent with my ex and the bullies everything has turned upside down and been ruined.
This summer is going to be bad, I can tell. I'm in a downwards spiral. I'm doing everything I can to break the rules at home and I don't know why. I steal drinks off my mum and came home drunk last weekend, I argue with her all the time and pick fights with my siblings.
On the bus I had a fight with a girl who used to be a friend, we slapped, punched, bit and kicked each other. There was no real winner.
Everything is bad at the moment. I'm a a real low patch.