Escaped to Lonlier Place

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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 7/26/2010 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Just when I thought I knew which questions from my family members pushed my buttons, I realized that "so what are you doing with you life?" tops them all. Having recently been hospitalized, I am ├╝ber-cranky all the time, and - seeing as it was my witchy cousin twice-removed asking me - I've begun to snap. My response is now just a despondent "nothing". I know I look depressed to other people, and have confided in some of them that the hospitalization was for suicidal ideation, but I don't feel any better getting it off my chest. I feel worse and crazier. I changed meds to Clonapin, EMSAM, and Seasonique, and am weaning off Depakote, so part of me thinks that my body is just freaking out. I don't know if this post even makes sense (sorry), but I am in a horrible place (literally and figuratively). My family has a ramshackle cottage on a lake. Thinking it would be a good place to get some writing done (I have this grandiose idea that if I'm somewhere other than my stuffy city house, the creative juices will start to flow), I took up residence. When I was little, the place was thrumming with activity, but is now a ghost house. The only other resident at this point is my 90-year-old grandmother who is the most active person I know. She is often gone to exercise class, her volunteer work, or - as sad as it sounds - the all-too-often memorial service. I am lonlier here than I was in the city, and can't escape the feeling that my life is pointless. I cry more now, and feel really winged out. I read sometimes, but even that seems pointless. Not a word has been written in the notebook I brought to write in. I am in a DBT group, but it's not helping. Feeling hopeless. And helpless. Are those the same thing? Anyway, I feel really crummy and had nowhere else to turn. rolleyes
Clonazepam .5mg (as needed), Methylphendiate 80mg (ADHD)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/26/2010 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bluemoon,
 
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down.  Have you tried taking a nice walk?  It might get your passion going for writing.  Take your notebook along with you.  Just sit outside and write some thoughts.  The quiet should be helping you to think, but maybe that isn't what you need.  What sounds good to you?  Anything?  Try just writing about things you like, that might be a place to start.  The hard thing about art is that we have to be in the mood for it.  I paint.  I can't paint when I am not depressed.  Wierd I know, but that is how it is.   It is an escape for me and an outlet at the same time. 
 
I hope that you start to feel better soon.  Keep posting.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18775
   Posted 7/26/2010 5:35 PM (GMT -7)   
me blue, music and cleaning. especially as a combo. helps with rumenating thoughts. with compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 7/29/2010 7:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your support. I continue to attend group therapy sessions for my BPD, but am really having a rough time.

@ jamiee: music and cleaning sounds like a good combo; however, I am having trouble even getting out of bed/motivated.

I'm scared because I was hospitalized in March, and my therapist brought up the idea of partial the other day in our session. Part of me knows that it might help, but the other part feels like it could be a total disaster.

I'm scared because I planned a trip to Seattle (my maternal family lives there) in two weeks - the sole purpose of which is to escape my life on the east coast. I keep having these grandiose ideas in which I deplane and stay - instead of coming back to go to grad school. To complicate matters, an unrequited love lives in Seattle...

I'm scared because I don't think I'm ready for grad school. I majored in French, and realized that I am terrible at it. My 15-year-old cousins were quizzing me on vocabulary words the other day, and I didn't know the majority of them. Far from fluent, why did I choose this path? I feel as if I am going nowhere fast and have nothing to look forward to.
Clonazepam .5mg (as needed), Methylphendiate 80mg (ADHD)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/30/2010 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Can you change your major? You need to do something that you enjoy. It is the rest of your life. Maybe while out in Seattle, you will discover what it is that you want to do.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 7/30/2010 7:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Am stuck with my program, and should be excited about it. I guess I am in most ways, just really scared too...
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 7/30/2010 7:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I guess, to be realistic in this situation, you will have to make the best out of what you have to work with.  I think that you can do that.  And I think you will see that you get stronger as you go.  So just don't give up.  Keep trying and try to be happy at the same time.  Practice makes perfect.  Accept each day as it comes.  And take one day at a time.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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