im not new to the whole internet forum thing but to the concept of sharing my feelings with anyone, so please bear with me.
Some years ago . It was no attempt I was actually dead on the table. I was resuscitated and spent a week
in a coma. As a result i suffered some brain dammage. i have very little short term memory(so if i go off on a tangent you'll know why)
and cant activley recall most of my long term memories, random memories pop up but i have little control. I have diminished cognitive skills such as math and writing
My problem is nobody knows about it.
I tried to explain it to my parents but they minimized it(its what the're good at). I decided not to try convince them further because
my mother also has problems with depression and shes not doing so well herself now that the last of her five children have left the nest. And my dads a bit
of an insensative jerk about her situation so i dont want to burdenn her anymore that she already is.
since my i have distanced myself from everyone. I'm a different person now, the few friends i had are gone, there's an ever widening gap growing between me and my family. I cant hold down a job so ive got no money or insurance to pay for help of any kind. I had a good job with insurance before so ive tried medication but nothing worked. I would like to try something stronger but everthing is so expensive when it has to come out of pocket.
This part is going to sound really concieted and egotistical but i swear im neither. In fact not wanting to be a big headed jerk is partly why ive never told anyone this. OK here it goes. I used to be smart, very smart. I remember being able to do complex math in my head, i had a good vocabulary, I was very artistic, I got accepted to San Franciso Academy Of The Arts but couldnt afford to go. See what i mean dont i sound like an ass. Anyway thats all gone now, I have a hard time helping my 10 year old neice with her homework.
my problem is reconciling the new me with the old. Why cant i just forget all that and leave it in the past. how can i accept myself as i am now. I uses to think there was an inverse correlation between intelegence and happieness but i know now that dumb people suffer just as much(feel free to tell me im an a**hole)
Ive been keeping a journal for a few years now but im not sure if its helping anything or even how its supposed to help. I just know that I want to be happy one day or at least happier than i am but i dont know how. I pretty much homeless so my options are limited. Mearly seeking some sort of help is an intimidating step for me.
If you've made it this far then thanks for reading; any of your thoughts would be nice