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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/31/2010 1:47 PM (GMT -6)   
im not new to the whole internet forum thing but to the concept of sharing my feelings with anyone, so please bear with me.
Some years ago . It was no attempt I was actually dead on the table. I was resuscitated and spent a week 
 in a coma. As a result i suffered some brain dammage. i have very little short term memory(so if i go off on a tangent you'll know why) 
and cant activley recall most of my long term memories, random memories pop up but i have little control. I have diminished cognitive skills such as math and writing
My problem is nobody knows about it.
I tried to explain it to my parents but they minimized it(its what the're good at). I decided not to try convince them further because
my mother also has problems with depression and shes not doing so well herself now that the last of her five children have left the nest. And my dads a bit
of an insensative jerk about her situation so i dont want to burdenn her anymore that she already is. 
since my  i have distanced myself from everyone. I'm a different person now, the few friends i had are gone, there's an ever widening gap growing between me and my family. I cant hold down a job so ive got no money or insurance to pay for help of any kind. I had a good job with insurance before so ive tried medication but nothing worked. I would like to try something stronger but everthing is so expensive when it has to come out of pocket.
This part is going to sound really concieted and egotistical but i swear im neither. In fact not wanting to be a big headed jerk is partly why ive never told anyone this. OK here it goes. I used to be smart, very smart. I remember being able to do complex math in my head, i had a good vocabulary, I was very artistic, I got accepted to San Franciso Academy Of The Arts but couldnt afford to go. See what i mean dont i sound like an ass. Anyway thats all gone now, I have a hard time helping my 10 year old neice with her homework.
my problem is reconciling the new me with the old. Why cant i just forget all that and leave it in the past. how can i accept myself as i am now. I uses to think there was an inverse correlation between intelegence and happieness but i know now that dumb people suffer just as much(feel free to tell me im an a**hole)
Ive been keeping a journal for a few years now but im not sure if its helping anything or even how its supposed to help. I just know that I want to be happy one day or at least happier than i am but i dont know how. I pretty much homeless so my options are limited. Mearly seeking some sort of help is an intimidating step for me.
If you've made it this far then thanks for reading; any of your thoughts would be nice

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 7/31/2010 1:16:34 PM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40395
   Posted 7/31/2010 2:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jestuan,
Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum.  I am so glad that you have joined us.  Though we aren't suppose to discuss suicide on this forum, you have a valuable lesson there.  You did some permanent damage to yourself.  But you can learn again.  So don't give up with yourself.  You may have to go about it differently and slower, but you can do it and live a normal life.  Just keep trying.
This goes to show that there is a truly valuable lesson to be learned for all of us.  We can make rash decisions and they can leave permanent scars that are a reminder to what we have done.  Nobody wants to live with that.  But like I say Jestuan, you can continue to learn and relearn.  Don't give up on yourself, it is going to be hard work.  But we are here to encourage you to keep trying. 
Take care, keep posting.  I did have to edit a couple of words out of your post.  You might want to read the rules and familiarize yourself with them.  I am glad that you posted.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 7/31/2010 3:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Karen, it's not going to make your situations/feelings better by constantly thinking about how you used to be. Something happened to you, you learned from it, now you need to accept yourself as you are. Just because you have some brain trauma doesn't make you any less valuable..if that makes sense. Just means now you'll have to try a little harder with activities and put more effort into things that used to be easy for you. It's a change in lifestyle that's for sure and I bet your routines had to change after these experiences as that takes time to get used to. Completely understandable that your upset about your current cognitive abilities, but try not to dwell on that. about the money situation, I would check out community resources if you feel like that might help. Some places have free programs or aid programs for people with a limited amount of money/income. Just sounds to me like you need a little push in the right direction since seeking help is difficult for you. Just keep in mind no one is going to judge you for asking for help.

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there”
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