I'm only 19 years old, and thinking about my life all i can remember is depression. Yet, up to this year I have been the lowest I could ever be. I can't seem to find a single thing that can make me happy.
Its 3 am and this is my second night of not sleeping this week. I have extreme insomia and the days and nights seem to blend together. My body will be exhausted but my mind just wont slow down. I try everything to get my mind off the bad things, yet my aniexty just takes over and I feel like I'm going insane. I won't take sleeping pills or any kind of medication for depression, I don't want anything that I will be dependent on.
I have always been a strong person, when ever life has pushed me down I knew how to get back up. When I felt worthless I did something to prove to myself that I mattered. Yet, I'm so exhausted and my heart just can't take it anymore, I can't keep feeling this way, I just can't handle it.
I feel like everytime I have something good in my life, and everything is finally going great something is there is to take it away. Everytime I try to change try to be happy something is there to push me back down. I've lost all my friends because no one can have fun sober anymore. As if they were still in high school and paryting is the only "cool" thing to do now. I'm not into drugs and drinking, so if I'm not doing it then they dont want to be around me. All I believe I need in my life is someone to take away this lonliness. I met the guy of my dreams, Im pretty sure he's the one. He entered my life at the right time and I felt like everything will eventually be okay. He always put a smile on my face and we went through a complicated situation that made it seem like we shouldnt be together but he still stood by my side. Then eventually I realized I was only here when he wanted me to be, and now im also realizing is that in reality i don't mean anything to him. I shouldnt depend on a guy to make me happy, but i believed he was the on that was going to save me through my rough time. I fell in love with him the moment we spent an entire night together going on an adventure, as we called it. I just can't handle him leaving my life only because without him I truly have nothing. Everyone that was there for me left, I have no one to talk to nothing to look forward to, and my heart has been broken once agian by a guy that I never mattered to. I feel like I will never matter to anyone, not to family friends or any guy that will enter my life. My heart has been beaten and bruised by all the harsh things that everyone has done to me, that I can't handle it anymore. I go through this life alone, and I just want just a single person in my life to be there for me, i want it to be him. I just don't know how to let him go and move on.
Its not him that is causing the depression really, its realizing that i don't matter to anyone. That I don't have an effect on ayones life. Everyone can just push me aside when I have always been there for them. My life feels like its at a dead end unable to turn around and choose a new path, everytime I try it turns bad. Its not like I sit around and just moap around all day. I try to go out, I try to meet new people, try to enjoy the things that I love. Like I've said before Something always goes wrong, something always brings me down again and again. That I can't bare it anymore. I just can't take it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and what I need to do right. I just need something to push me in the right direction, and nothing is there to do that. I've turned to religion, praying everynight asking for this to all go away. This feeling of saddness and lonliness, I understand it takes time but its been over half a year now that I've been this depressed. The times that I sleep and I wake up to the sun I don't feel good about waking up to new day, but sad that I actually woke up. I don't think anyone deserves to feel this way. I never desrved this.
I don't know what to do anymore, I feel lost. I know I'm young and I have so much life ahead of me. Yet, if i can't get through these small bumps in the road how am I going to handle the huge ones in the future. I just really need advice please, help me get through this because I don't know how much longer I can handle this.