Relationships ruined me or I ruined relationships !

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annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 8/8/2010 3:52 PM (GMT -7)   
cry Hi everyone,
I've posted here before but today I'm going to go abit more in detail about myself hopefully I would get responses helping me figure things out.
I'm an only child to my parents. At the age of 8- 10 years my elder cousin brother would sexually abuse me. I grew up pretty lonely as I got older I dated alot of guys and left them for a better one. I have had three boyfriends with whom I was for a span of few months,except the last one with whom my relation ended and I was in depression. Anyhow whenever I was in these relations I ended up cheating on the guys.except my last boyfriend whom I just loved beyond limits however he didn't trust me for obvious reasons so I lived in his shadow becoming mad working hard to gain his trust eventually he left me for another woman. It broke me completely.
Recently I have been seeing my best friend. I had been to a trip to another city and my girlfriends called their guy friends over. It freaked me out as my best friend and me have a long distance,so I never told him but he found out. He said I lied and his trust in me was broken.I felt shattered when he accused me of cheating the way I had with my other boyfriends. Being my bet friend he knew everything. I felt bad as I had sworn to never ever cheat on any guy. He would keeping treating me bad n I was torn between him and missing my ex who I loved alot.
Today he accused me of lying yet again ! It hurts me caz today it felt all wrong. A couple of days back I went out with my friends I informed him but called him only after I returned home. When I did he was annoyed asked me who I was sleeping with I said I was with friends that soon he would see pictures of us. He asked me to tell him where I was etc. And I did.... And today he says I never told him I do been to my friend (a girls) house !
I really felt angry as I knew I was telling the truth. We fought and he abused me and asked me about who I had slept with. He said I ha lied once I could lie to him always that once a cheater always a cheater. He broke up with me.
I feel sick and hurt and lonely. Today when I haven't done anything I was accused and abused and left ! I loved my ex so much and I worked so hard was humiliated by people but I still worked hard to gain his trust. And today I haven't done anything still I'm in a place where I have ruined another relation.
I hate myself. I feel depressed and hurt and hatred for myself. I have hurt alot of people and hence I'm getting it all back.
I wish it stopped.

Do you think my image as a cheater would ever go away? Why do I cheat?
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/8/2010 4:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Annie,
 
What do you mean when you say he abused you.  Was it physically, mentally or verbally?  Was he there or were you two talking over the phone?  I am very concerned about this.  You know my opinion, I think you are better off without him.  He didn't treat you right.  You have a right to see your friends and you don't deserve to be treated badly.  Let me know how you are doing.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

vballplayingirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 8/8/2010 6:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry your boyfriend thinks he can't trust you...from what you said in your post it doesn't seem like you've given him a reason to be worried, overbearing, jealous..etc. I think the only reason he's being this way towards you is probably in regards to your past somewhat, but mostly because it's the type of person he is. I've been in a relationship before where the guy had to know who I was with and what I was doing all the time and he always yelled at me when he didn't approve of some innocent hanging out with friends, and he always blew things out of proportion. If he physically abused you, obviously you should report it. Maybe it would put some sense into him and teach him that he can't treat you like that, or any person for that matter. Just know that if you two were meant to be together, things will work out. Have confidence that you know you didn't do anything to him or cheat. This is just my opinion, but men like this guy you've described...don't change, or...rarely change I should say..there's always that one person...you've probably heard it all before. Even when your relationship doesn't consist of him accusing you of cheating, I bet he still puts you down and makes you question your own motives, even if you know you haven't done anything wrong.

Think about it this way, his actions are directly related to his personality and his temperment over-all. Just because you've cheated in the past, a guy with a good head on his shoulders and a respectful guy at that, who understands how people behave, would know that people change and that you are not the person you were in the past. Breakups are hard, but I do believe he will try to talk to you and work things out if he truely loves you and you love him.

This isn't the type of relationship I would want to have with someone, perhaps you just need a fresh start. If you don't cheat and haven't cheated on anyone for awhile, there is no reason why your "image" as you said, should be a problem if you find someone that you feel right with.

--Che
“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there”

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 8/9/2010 3:26 AM (GMT -7)   
He wasn't here. He did trust me before I lied to him once,about my girl friends inviting guys for a party ! But I swore to have not done anything. He says that if I lied once I would be lying more. It hurts caz if I was doing so and he blamed and hurt me I would have the strength to face it,but knowing that I'm not and also knowing that he isnt entirely wrong,Im in a dilemma !
He abused me over the phone,words which are keeping me away from him even at this moment ! Every time I think of him I remember the names he called me and the way he spoke to me.
I feel its all my fault,but than was my mistake so unforgivable?
I love him,I just wish I knew how to make him feel alright. Here also nones bothered about what I feel. I told him that Im feeling bad and trying to make you feel better,caz you feel insecure about my past. But what about me? what if I'm not doing anything of the sorts that you are accusing me off,dont you know what I would be going through. Just being accused for.....when all I do is wait day in and day out curb my needs to make sure he has his space,and he can throw tantrums about his work. even after all this Im blamed,doesnt he even once feel that what if she isnt doing anything,and if she isnt what my words might be doing to her?
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/9/2010 6:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Annie,

It sounds like he is a selfish person who wants to control you. He probably doesn't even feel bad about the things he says to you. It isn't in him. I would move on now. Actually you have been released from the dungeon of a jealous man. And when your partners start accusing you of things, it usually means they are doing that themselves.

I hope that you are feeling better. Let me know.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 8/10/2010 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,
Sorry for replying late. He spoke with me last night,he felt sorry for behaving the way he did.
Do you think his insecurity has to do with the fact that he was stalked by a girl who ruined his life to the extent that he moved out of the city to a new one,and went through hell? I really love him. I want him to be happy.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/10/2010 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Could be Annie, I don't know for sure. But I can tell that you really love him, I just don't want him to hurt you in any way.

Keep posting my friend. Know that we all care about you. I for one, would talk to him about the way that he treats you. Maybe it will just take time. IDK...

Here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 8/10/2010 1:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,
Today I spoke with him. But instead of me he initiated the topic about his abusing me. He said I'm sorry I said things that pierced your heart,when I think of it I wouldn't forgive myself to hear and say such words to you, but I really love you. I feel scared and insecure sitting this far away from you,in another city. Completely helpless,where I can't even see you. I feel someone would take you away,lure you by being closer to you. I was angry but I do love you alot.
I said to him that I agreed with all his insecurities but he didn't acknowledge ever the fact that even I have mine,which he is oblivious to.
I'm unable to forget the ringing of his harsh words even right now as I think of it.
My past haunts me. I feel anxious and breathless whenever there's even a slight mention.
My guy lives in the city where my ex used to live(now he doesn't ! ) I want to visit my guy but I feel disturbed by even the thought of going to that place. It depresses me and puts me in a hole remembering the time of past !
Thanks alot to healing well depression forum I don't feel lonely. I really am grateful for the help and support people here give!

Love.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 8/10/2010 3:57 PM (GMT -7)   
All I know is that people can say some awful mean things when they are angry.  And it can come out of nowhere and knock the wind out of us.  Go with your heart.  If you can't get over it then go that way, but if you can, go the other.  Hopefully time will heal all wounds.  But it can take awhile. 
 
One day at a time.  Don't make any decisions if you are upset.  Give it time.  I think you will know what is the right thing to do when the time comes. 
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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