Trying to pull myself together

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Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
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   Posted 8/9/2010 8:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so overwhelmed ... again. I did just restart on my thyroid meds b/c PCP said my thyroid was super super slow. Couldn't afford meds for a while.

Hoping things will be better by a month from now, but just really struggling a lot right now. Have an interview tomorrow -- really just a formality as I'm supposed to get the job. Getting evicted this month ... a little sooner than I wanted, but somehow I guess I'll make it work. Auto case went to jury trial after almost 7 years; good grief! at least that nightmare is supposed to be over soon. Had to quit second job due to having a total breakdown & wanted to ... well, nothing good. Then I went & caused even more trouble for myself b/c I couldn't keep everything straight. All I can think about is so much stress all the time. I just can hardly focus b/c I feel so overwhelmed. My mind just keeps jumping from one thing to another.

If I can get an offer for a job tomorrow then I'm thinking of getting one of those planners for people with TBI -- my neuro condition is something like that, but normally I can compensate quite well. Right now I just feel overwhelmed & confused & I can hardly focus or know what's going on. I just need to straighten things out and live a simple life. I kinda want to go on holiday in the Amish country. Probably that'd be bad having so much time alone with myself. Everything just seems so complicated right now. I just really want a break. And I need some sleep but with all the worries about this stupid interview tomorrow my heart is racing like an Indy car. Tempted to take a sleeping pill but usually nothing good comes of those so I just gotta try to relax on my own. STRESS!!!! smhair (that's me -- I tried to cut my bangs & now they look crazy, so I'm worrying about that too; I don't know why. Nothing ever came from worrying)

Hope y'all are hanging in there.

peace,
frances

THE HAPPY TURTLE
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 8/10/2010 2:05 AM (GMT -7)   
hang in there frances.
 
i wish i could opt out to my local buddhist society an hr or so from me. but this, for me would be a cop out. maybe later on in life!! i am here for you. i am so sorry about you getting evicted, this royally sucks!! hoping your thyroid condition settles soon. all the best with the job. everything is crossed. you deserve a break, big time. sending healing thoughts your way.
 
the mad professor,
 
-jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 8/10/2010 8:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

Please know that I am thinking about you. Saying prayers for you too. Keep your chin up. This will all be over in no time and you can finally relax. Know that we all care about you hon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/10/2010 9:37 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks for your support. the HR "formality" interview turned out not to be a formality. now it looks like i won't get the job due to bad credit. so frustrating!!!!!

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 8/11/2010 12:19 AM (GMT -7)   
SOUNDS LIKE BLATANT DISCRIMINATION TO ME!! HERE FOR YA FRANCES. JAMIE.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 8/11/2010 6:36 AM (GMT -7)   
How can they base a job on your credit? That is not fair. I don't understand it. It just doesn't seem fair. What does your credit have to do with working? Oh well, I am so sorry about this.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/11/2010 6:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Good news!!!!
Just this morning the Governor of my state made it ILLEGAL for employers (other than banks & insurance companies) to run credit checks!!! Yea! Finally something goes right for me. :)

CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 8/11/2010 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances:  I just read your last comments.  Congratulations!!  What incredible timing! 
I truly hope that your job opportunity will be saved by this. 
 
We both know that we have been on parallel paths these past 2 years with not being able to find jobs and fighting for survival in our homes.  I am truly sorry to hear that yours is ending in the manner that it is.  I understand how painful this time has been.
 
But the saying that "when one door closes a new one opens" might be applicable here.  Please keep posting and let us know what happens.  I am rooting for you!
 
Cass

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/11/2010 4:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Cass-
Thanks for the support. I'm pretty glad to be leaving this home. It has been such a source of misery & sorrow and I will not be sad at all to leave it. If I get a job offer tomorrow, I will move to a nearby apartment that is small & easy to manage. I will finally be able to put all this behind me. Honestly dealing with the bank was the worst experience of my life. Now that they don't call anymore things are quite pleasant.

Hope you are able to find some peace soon.

take care,
frances

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 8/11/2010 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Frances,
 I am so sorry you have had to go through such difficulties lately. We live in the same state and I too saw on the news that employers are not permitted to
use a credit report to keep you from a job. So I hope that all goes well for you with this news. I can understand that you will be glad to leave your home. Maybe moving to a new place will renew your spirits and help you to put some of these past bad times behind you. You are sounding more confident and that
is good. Somehow all will work out in your favor and you can get rid of all this stress. I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. You are such a
kind and wonderful person and you deserve to have a good future.
 
Many hugs,
 
Aurora

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 8/12/2010 7:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

I am so happy that they passed that law. It just didn't seem fair to me. I guess they may have had a reason for it, but too bad now. I hope that you get this job.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/12/2010 4:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen,
They didn't have a law that allowed them to run credit checks before, they just didn't have one that prohibited it. Almost every state in the Union allows pre-employment credit checks. As backward as my beloved state is, we're actually ahead of the pack on this protection. Congress is trying to get something similar passed as a federal law. Who knows whether or not it will pass, but at this point it doesn't matter for me. Go Illinois. :)

Still haven't heard back from the HR lady yet. My goodness how long does it take for them to decide whether or not they're giving me an offer!

frances

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 8/12/2010 5:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

I hope that you hear something soon. Keep us posted.

Best wishes on this job too. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/12/2010 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, it would be nice to get settled, but I do have a friend who said he discussed my qualifications with his boss & if I don't go with the company where I'm temping for a permanent job, his boss is going to bring me in for an interview for a consultant-to-hire position. Yea. :)
So at least I have an option that doesn't mean unemployment. But I'd rather be able to start sooner rather than later. By October it's not easy to find apartments around here. They jack up the prices b/c that's when many people move. :(

But the upside is that at least I still have my good insurance for now. Trying a new pain med tomorrow. Hoping it can work better. Course I probably could get some pain relief just by finishing up my packing. I'm in pain all the time & can't get much sleep from the sharp shooting pains in almost every position. And of course not sleeping is bad both for the pain & for the depression. And all the worrying about everything doesn't help anything at all.

If I do hear back, I will definitely let you all know. Haven't heard back from the evil mortgage people either. They were saying I'd probably have to move out by the 18th, but now they've stopped communicating with my lawyer so who knows what they're scheming up. I should feel badly for missing my mortgage payments, but these people have been so hateful that I will be glad to be rid of them. At least they haven't called lately. The PMI people are calling, but they only call once every 2 days & are civil. It's still stressful b/c of all the guilt & shame I feel, but at least they aren't telling me to send my food, medicine & doctor money to the mortgage people.

I guess I just have to keep waiting. My lawyer calls them every day; now he's taken to writing them letters. I sure hope we can resolve this soon so that once I move everything will just be happy. :)

hope you're doing okay.

frances

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 8/12/2010 11:08 PM (GMT -7)   
and you as well. fresh start. you have shown soo much civilty during this, karma has a wonderful way of bringing things into alignment. you have remained courageous under fire, i draw strength from you. with healing compassion, your mate. jamie

aka, the mad professor.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/13/2010 9:45 AM (GMT -7)   
God, why do they keep dragging this out. I wish they'd just turn me down for the job so the stress of not knowing would go away. I'm physically in pain I'm in so much stress right now.

And I'm supposed to be upping my thyroid meds but I can't afford them & my PCP won't give me anything else b/c she says it's my thyroid that's causing the depression & anxiety. But insurance doesn't cover my medicine & I can't afford it right now.

I am just really struggling to keep it together today. I am losing that battle. On days like these I have to wonder why I even bother to fight b/c it seems like all I do is go from one misery to another. I'm having flashbacks & that's not helping things at all. And I turned in my pain meds b/c I wasn't sure whether the pain was from something real or just memories of when I would be beaten to within an inch of my life. I am losing my mind & I can't deal with that. I don't want to live not knowing what's real & what isn't.

CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 8/13/2010 10:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frances.  I totally understand what you are saying about this waiting game; both with your potential job and the bank.  It is very rare to see an employer with mercy when we are applying to jobs.  They just don't get it!  They don't have to worry about whether or not they'll have enough money to put food on their table for their family; or in your case where or if they'll have enough funds for medicine.  In regards to the meds, I'm sure you have probably asked, but can your doctor get you samples?  Or is it possible for the two of you to get in contact with the drug company to see if you were eligible for free meds (just a thought)?
 
As for your bank, I know how happy you'll be to get this behind you.  It doesn't surprise me that they've stopped communication at this point.  Thank God for your lawyer!  (That's actually how I feel about mine right now.)  ...At least you know you have someone protecting you as they pull this stuff on you.
 
I know how easier said then done this is, but try to keep looking forward right now.  It's good that you're packing.  You were right about what you told me before, it hopefully won't be too much longer.  Than you can leave your home; get it over with and count your blessings that you won't have to deal with your bank again!!
 
I"ll keep you in my thoughts.
 
Cass

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 8/13/2010 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Frances,
 
I am sorry that you are going throught this.  Do you think that there is any chance that you might have fibromyalgia along with your other conditions?  Just a thought.  The fatigue and pain remind me of that.  And not being able to perceive whether it is real or not.  Because fibro is such a strange disorder.  Did the pain meds help you any?  It is hard to kill pain when you do have this disorder.  But it can become tolerable. 
 
I really would like to see things straighten out for you.  You have been struggleing for a long time.  You deserve a break, I know that you are trying so hard.  It probably seems unbearable.  But keep hanging in there.  One day at a time.  That is all that we can do.  Know that we are all here behind you cheering you along.  Know that we do care.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/13/2010 3:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen & Cass.

Cass,
I don't qualify for assistance from the mfr. because I DO have insurance, they're just idiots and refuse to pay for this medication. They say I should be on Synthroid. Well, the side effects were unbearable on the Synthroid.
I'm sure you're right about the HR people. Even the hiring manager is mad as hell at them. I'm going to talk to my friend this weekend about getting an interview lined up at his company. I just figure with my luck this crazy job won't work out & if I keep waiting I won't even be able to afford even a crappy shared apartment.
I do like my lawyer. He does take some of the stress off of me, but there is still some stress from that.

Karen,
I've been checked for fibro. No luck. I spoke with my PCP today & she said she thinks that my thyroid meds maybe got cooked on account of me not having a/c. At least that explains things.

I'm just so @#$% hot & miserable & I've got all this stress & to top it off I caught the office stomach bug. Plus I can't afford to stay on my pain meds & if I don't have any source of income & therefore no place to live then I can't be on a controlled substance. I don't know what all's causing what, but this is all too much. The thyroid issues are major. The crazy heat is making me crazy. My awful neighbors are awful-er than ever. I'm nearly at my eviction date & I can't even get a simple answer from the company where I've been temping for over 4 months.

I am coming unglued. I'm trying to stay positive & keep it together but I am just drowning in a tempest of trouble & sorrows.

take care all,
frances

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 8/13/2010 4:22 PM (GMT -7)   
It is miserably hot and humid here too so I totally understand that part and that it doesn't help the situation.  Tomorrow we are suppose to have thunderstorms and then cooler on Sunday.  I am looking forward to that.  It is suppose to be cooler for a few days.  I hope that it is for you too. 
 
Hang in there Frances, things are going to fall into place for you.  They can't get blood out of a rock and they can't let you go homeless.  I hope that you find some answers soon.  I am praying for you.
 
Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/15/2010 7:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, they can let me go homeless, but the whole thing is just dumb.

I got a temp med that is helping a little bit with the stress, but then just b/c apparently the universe things I don't deserve the slightest bit of a break, I can't afford my pain meds so now I get to go through withdrawal & even more pain. Good times. I can barely move at all. And from the fear or pain or both my hr is through the roof.

Just makes me wonder what the point of living is if it's just always going to be so miserable all the time. But I'm going to see my PCP tomorrow about new thyroid meds & I'm taking temperatures around my home today to try to find the coolest spot so I can store my meds there. I do know that every time in the past when I've had a total breakdown, adjusting my thyroid meds has helped give me enough strength to fight my problems. It is still a fight, but at least I can resist the awful thoughts to a point. Not like now.

I've had my family around more trying to get things packed in case something works out & I can afford to move to an apartment somewhere. Which has been so discouraging. P's just think I'm a failure & a screw-up -- and they have no prob saying so. It's just hard to hear when I'm already so down about everything. I know they got the short straw when they had me, but it still hurts to hear even if it is true. I just want to crawl in a cave for the rest of my life.

frances

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 8/15/2010 8:13 PM (GMT -7)   
sending my luv 2 ya frances. jamie. it's darn unfair!!!
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 8/15/2010 8:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes Frances,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish things were easier for you right now. One day at a time my friend. Thinking of you...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2279
   Posted 8/15/2010 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree, Jamie. It is unfair.

And after what a doctor said to me the other day I pulled out some health records & it seems like it's like this every mid August-late October. I start getting in worse pain in August, thyroid starts spinning out of control & by October I'm ready to jump. Somehow I gotta figure out what the heck goes on during those months. It just doesn't make much sense. Doesn't seem related to the weather -- last year was unseasonably warm, the one before was an early frost & the ones before that were average. I don't have anything horrible happen to me in those months -- in fact usually those are the most stable times of the year for me when I'm employed & have health benefits & there's more social activities in which I can participate, etc. So it just doesn't make much sense.

Why would I be the most miserable during the time when I have a job, fun things to do, stability & usually someone I'm dating? I don't think it's something silly like hating things to be steady, but I can't figure anything else out.

Course right now there's just a lot going on, but I still feel like it's so crazy that this pattern keeps occurring year after year. On meds, off meds, changed meds -- nothing seems to matter. But there must be something to it.

Well, I'm off to bed. Hope you all have a decent Monday.

frances

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 8/15/2010 9:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,
 
This is the time of year that I have many memories and dejavu, so maybe it is the season.  Or the barometric pressure.  It has been awful humid here, and I have more pain in humidity and fatigue.  OR weather fronts moving in maybe.  Just thought that I would mention it.  I hope that you have a good Monday too. 
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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