I was planning my wedding at the beginning of this year.
Insead of talking through our issues, my fiance walked out the door and broke up with me in a text message. He had told me that he never meant to ask me to marry him and to get all my things and leave. It has been 6 months and I have not spoken with him since. Im not sure how to handle being alone. This feeling that im feeling is something ive never experienced. I have been diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder and anxiety. I've experienced it all but what I am going through now is too hard to handle.
Im so full of emotion that I am emotionless. I spend my time, when im not throwing myself into my work, at the bars and with different men. I guess im trying to fill the sting of loneliness with these guys that in the end make me feel worse and even more alone than before. I have no medical insurance and have been off all meds for three years. My car just recently stopped working on me. I moved back in with my family who just sees me as a disappointment and makes that clearly known. I don't have any true friends because we all grew apart. The friends that I do have take advantage of me, use me and don't do anyting but bring drama into my life. I realize they do this but I would rather have those friends than none right now.
I am working for a little over minimum wage now because when I moved back home, I couldn't commute such long distance to the job I had. I found a job close to where im staying at now and am working part time, Im broke. I was dating a guy more recently who just went to jail and im going to the doctors tomorrow because I think im pregnant with his child, we'll see. I have not seen my father in 6 years and just learned that he is not well. The last time I had spoken to him, he told me that I was the reason that he is a bad father.
I can't sleep at night, I have become bitter and angry, depressed and confussed. I hate who I am.