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lady4tigers
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/12/2010 2:38 AM (GMT -7)   
hey everybody I'm lady4tigers and i'm new.

I don't even know where to start. well i have an idea but i think way too much and i have a fear of being judged by others so doing this is alittle scary for me. I can tell from reading other posts that ppl on this forum arent the type to judge, but even knowing that it's still scary. even now i feel like rambling on like a crazy person but i just need to get it out. oh and be warned i tend rant on for awhile when i'm like this so be prepared for a looooooooong post.

Ok, so i was diagnosed with depression when i was 17 but i had it well before i was diagnosed. I mean, both my parents had it at one point or another, even both my older sisters did so it was only a matter of time till i was officially diagnosed. It's not like i had a horrible home life, both of my sisters had moved out by then so i was living my mom and her "so nice he's kinda creepy" husband. Both of them we're permanently disabled so we lived off of social security checks in subsidized housing. With them disabled it was up to me and one of my sisters to take care of the place. Since my sister could only come in so often i took care of things when she wasn't there, like cooking dinner, cleaning and getting things from upstairs/downstairs at their beck and call. My mom, being the sweetheart she is, tried to do it too much but it was still hard on me to be taking care of her since i was 14. So i had to do that at home and keep up my reputation as a good student at school, which wasn't that hard really b/c i was home 90% of the time after school. I just made school hard some times b/c i was a serious procrastinator and perfectionist all in one

It took a counselor to convince to start medication b/c i was scared of all those side effects they list on tv, especially the ones that might make it worse. It did actually help for a while, i was happy and more social, i even had a bf for awhile (even though he turned out to be a total douche who just wanted my around for one thing)

fast forward to college, i was going after my dream and i made new friends right away. That 1st year i was in heaven. i was with my friends all the time, i did well in all my classes, and even found a sweetheart for a bf that loved me (and still does) for me. I guess things started to go downhill the summer before sophomore year. my bf's parents had been using him for their trucking business for years and couldn't leave the house w/o their permission even though he was 19. top that off with an abusive father, controlling mother and a house that belongs on Hoarders, things were getting bad for him. The worry alone was debiliating at times, making it hard to concentrate on my classes. It got so bad that he had a major blowout w/ his parents while i was at his house, cops got involved, my mom came to help and it ended up w/ my bf taking what he could carry out of the house and leaving for good. He ended up living with either my mom or my dad so that was good, but my classes got harder and my friendships more distant. I even ended up switching majors b/c the math need for meteorology was way over my head.

I did end up moving in w/ my bf in the summer so that was good, and he had a good job, but his hours got cut drastically in sept. so it wasn't worth the trip to where his job was. we were living off my work study money and savings until he found a new job that lasted 3 months and he hasn't been able to find a legit job ever since, despite all the resumes and applications he sends out. I ended up withdrawing half way through 2nd sem. b/c by then the stress and depression was too much to handle college.

Fast foward to now (yes i'm almost done w/ my life story) I'm 22, neither of us have jobs, living off of what would be my college money and trying to find meds that actually work for me. I switched to citalopram awhile ago but i think it just makes it worse b/c i never had those certain bad thoughts that i sometimes struggle with now or sleep for about half the day or more. I told my doc but he doubled it b/c the meds he thinks would be better for me arent covered by insurance unless he can prove that the meds i'm on now don't work or make it worse. That's why i'm here now, (at 4am my time no less b/c i slept all day) to find other ppl to talk to b/c my family and bf can only do so much. I just want to know that there are other ppl who know what i'm going through besides my family b/c i don't know anyone outside my fam that has it.

so ur eyes are probably bugging out by now from such an epically long post but that's my story. It's probably way to much but i just wanted to get everything out at once.

<3 lady4tigers

Post Edited (lady4tigers) : 8/12/2010 3:41:33 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 8/12/2010 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Lady4tigers,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I am sorry that neither one of you are working at this time. Jobs are so scarce right now. Keep your chin up. Know that we all support you. I hope that you continue to post.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

thehelp
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/12/2010 10:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Lady4tigers,
 
If possible, try to find a mental health clinic that will work with you on a sliding scale fee structure, if you are near your college, use them as a referral resource to get you some support for; medication management, counseling, job readiness etc.  Sending you good energy as you sort things through. 
 
Peace~

lady4tigers
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/12/2010 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the advice. there are a few councelors that work on a sliding scale fee, but honestly if i have to pay anything i dont think i can afford it. I'd rather be able to pay bills and get food right now. plus i never seem to stay w/ a counselor for very long. once things get better i stop going, then once i get depressed again i feel like i failed them or i just don't have the motivation to call them back for an appointment. I'm very unmotivated when i'm depressed. I've needed to call my insurance about what meds they cover for about a week and a half but i just haven't felt like it. It took me a month or two to even make an appointment to get better meds. has anyone else felt like this or am i just lazy? I know i need to take care of myself but (as seen in my story) i'm so used to taking care of others that i think of them b4 me.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 8/12/2010 1:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't think you are lazy, I think it is the depression.  But I do think that you do need to think of yourself first in some situations.  If you are healthy, you can help others better.  Otherwise you are going to get rundown and you will be no help to anybody.    So be a little selfish and take care of you.
 
I had one counselor that I would stop seeing when I felt good and go back when things got bad.  They do understand that.  Check with the department of human services and see if you qualify for any help.  It sounds like you could use some support.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

lady4tigers
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/12/2010 2:46 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks, that does help. sometimes i just need that from someone other than family. I'm thinking of applying for food stamps, i hate the idea and the stigma that goes with it but if it'll take any stress off of me i'm goin for it. I was hoping to get groceries today but it looks like that'll have to wait until i'm sure all past due and upcoming bills go through so i don't get another freaking overdraft fee. I do have insurance, i just need to find out how much they cover of counseling. sorry all i do is vent and complain. i have had a few short happy moments today, just not enough to last for very long. I finally called my insurance so that stress is done. Plus my bf is currently annoying our cat by picking her up and cuddling her. they are quite cute together and do make me smile. If it wasn't for them i'd be miserable all the time.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 8/12/2010 5:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I am happy that you are having some endearing moments with your bf and kitty. I have two dogs and I love watching my husband interact with them. One is still a pup though, and quite a handful. She is german shepherd and is quite challanging. It is good to come here to vent, so don't feel bad about it. We all understand. Your mental health co-pay shouldn't be too much. Mine is 7.80 each time.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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