Depressed for a long time?

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MC31
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/12/2010 7:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi,
Firstly I came by this site from browsing about depression due to my current mind set. I will give a bit of history so maybe it makes things a bit clearer.

I am 21 and i've been depressed since I was about 8 or so in all honesty as back then my cousin and uncle who I would see on a very regular basis both died in within a year of each other one to old age the other cystic fybrosis at that time. My uncle died first and after that I would cry myself to sleep most nights and then after my cousin died I was plagued with thoughts such as thinking it would have been better if I had died. I didnt tell anyone about how I was feeling and I guess from a outward look I was coping fine as I was quite quiet then and would bottle most things up. I would also end up getting in fights a lot and fighting with my brother as he would taunt me to the point of me losing my temper.
After that a few years later I became more quiet and still getting into fights on a regular basis be it with my brother or just other people as I was so quiet when confronted by other people rather than run I would just fight. Dont get the wrong idea I didn't go out looking for fights I was just a quiet person and when someone confronted me I had a hard time controlling my emotions.

By the time I was 10 I had a cat which I spent alot of time with but she later had to be put down as her back legs were failing her, after that it took maybe a few months before it really settled in for me to notice untill just suddenly one day I realised she was gone. I was also raised with the belt & buckle which was pretty much a daily occurence from about the age of 5 onwards which my brother got as well but I would just take it and keep quiet as lashing out just resulted in more.
From then onwards things with my parents got rough my mother and father fought alot and my mum would drink and they would fight aggresively which went onto early hours in the morning, the fighting happened maybe once every two weeks. My mother would tell me that my father would put a pillow over her head to "shut her up" and that he was sleeping around and which I can confirm when I walked in and he was in bed with a random woman. During that time both me and my brother and sister would be accused of stealing cigarettes, my sister was never physically harmed but me and my brother would be, which involved getting our mouths washed out with soap or fairy liquid or made to smoke a packet as punishment.

By the time i was 13 my mother and father had divorced and my mother have moved out with my sister, I decided to stay at home with my dad and brother which most likely was the worst desicion in my entire life. My brother who is 3 years older than me at that time he did have things ruff with my father as he didnt know when to shut up and always tryed to trigger a fight. From that point on my life consisted of waking up in the morning with him annoying me and the constant comments and I mean CONSTANT fat ba$tard or hey fatty, now I was not fat but that soon changed as I started eating out of boredom and in a attempt to get some sort of comfort or enjoyment. I would only take the comments for so long and I would just lose my temper and he succeded in getting the desired reaction out of me and this usually ended up with me getting be it black eyes or teeth missing or what I now know to be concussions as I didnt realise what they were at the time as feeling confused, lack of balance and generally dizzyness for a few weeks. There would be a fight in the morning and one when he got home then one at night which my father would break up. This went of for 3 years during this time my self asteem was at a all time low I was constantly thinking about suicide and planning out how to do so, I missed a lot of school as after the fighting in the morning I really just didnt feel like going to school or my clothes were ripped.

In quite a few occasions the next door neighbors had came in during the morning well quite literally barged in to be honest, as they had heard the screams which as they had told my father were "disturbing & horrifying". On quite a few occasions after I would snap and well in all honesty try and kill my brother be it with a knife or try and shoot him and this became quite regular occurence as when I did this I would get a few hours of rest or even a day if I was lucky . I had told my father, mother, gran and papa that I truly did hate him and well wanted him dead as I was depressed and wanted him or myself dead as I couldnt handle it but this was dismissed as I was exagerating. After a period of time of just breaking down when speaking about it I was taken to see my GP and a appointment with a consolur or something was organised this I never got to as my mother was "busy" shopping. I had also on many occasions phoned the police as the majority of the time this was unsuccesful due to my brother stoping me by ripping the phone out then attacking me further. When the police had appeared it was dismissed as a domestic and my brother would just cry and I was classed as the attacker and unfortunetly in my anger I would end up getting angry while trying to explain it to them but they weren't interested. I am not a aggressive person my temperment towards others from the comments I've had are "saint like" apparently.

I was kicked out from my fathers when I was 16 and few months before that so was my brother for starting a fight with him while driving on the motorway, I moved into my grand mothers but my brother would still appear there and taunt me and all that was ever said to him was " *name* stop it leave him alone" but in the end I couldnt control my temper after so many years with him there was nothing left to temper as it was completely exhausted and I would always come off worse in which I had to be taken to the hospital and get stiches. My grand parents wouldnt be a witness so the police cared naught. My brother moved in with my mother when I was 18 and the verbal abuse he gave me was then cast over to my mother again calling her a fat this or that. My mother had suffered from a few nervous breakdowns and depression along with fybromalgia. I discovered the reasons for her drinking when I was younger was that she had to sell her self because my father's dad (who he worked for) was paying him buttons and my father would rather have my mother do that than challenge his own father about a raise whilst his brothers were earning more and doing less than he was. Back in Decemeber just gone my mother passed away by taking to many pills and drinking far to much she was a shadow of her former self even for all her faults and mistakes she made I know she loved us and I forgave her for her mistakes as it would only serve to make me bitter.

Though my brother felt it nessecary to make my mothers life a misery as he did mine. During the funeral I didnt cry I felt nothing even when I got the phone call that she was dead at 2 in the morning, my brother on the other had cryed like a child at the funeral in my best guess due to the guilt rather than actual sorrow in my opinion. Now before my mother died my so called brother owed her quite a bit of money and the funeral bill was passed off to my grand parents while I am a student I still gave what I could but my brother didnt while he was working full time he thought it better to spend his money going to mexico etc, he sold my mothers car which he had told everyone was worthless so no one had said anything about it but I later found out that he did recieve quite a bit for the car. My grand mother constantly defends my brother and make excuses for him. For me after my mother died it was not untill the april that it hit me but for me it was that I missed my mothers council and company, which was lost now. I felt as if I had lost the only person in the world who truely understood me and I was right. My father I rarely speak to and when I do its very short and my answer is always "what do you want" as there is always a catch and I am right (usually computer stuff).

My problem is the things I used to use to deal with my depression dont work any more or I just cant concentrate on them. It used to be gaming and now I can barely focus on one and end up day dreaming where as before I could use it to channel my depression and kinda cast it away and then there was exercising, during my worst years I felt so tired and lathagic especially during the morning and I would find my self staying up till 4/5/6/7 in the morning as I felt better and yet I couldnt sleep as I just could not stop thinking but I couldnt concentrate either.
The past few years I used weight lifting to channel my anger and sadness and I would feel fantastic afterwards and the next day. I had even managed to regain some of my confidence but now I truly have no desire, no drive what so ever for the things I partly enjoyed. Durng the past few years as well I was refused entry to the police force which was always my dream due to my eye sight so that didnt do me any favors then I decided to possibly try for either the army or the RAF but again my eye sight so that was my dream flushed down the drain as well. I am currently still a student at University but I did what I did because I had a goal, a desire that I wanted more than anything and that gave me the drive to get it done with but now I just cant get any motivation no matter what. When I was at college in my first year at the end of the year I failed my final test the first time and afterwards I was so tempted to just walk in front of a bus, though I did pass but for me it really did feel like the end of the world.
I've found myself a lot of the time now just siting my self and just wanting to cry but I dont feel any better when I do, I feel like I want to disappear and at times that maybe i'd be better off dead. That the person I wanted to be proud of me is gone and that there isn't much point any more. I know its not good to think like that and I try not to but at the end of it I just end up putting on a happy face and keeping myself to myself as i've tried to talk about it but I really dont feel it helps at all. I just wish I could wake up and feel energetic again, feel like todays going to be a good day! That its worth doing but I really don't.

Thats pretty much the short story sorry if its long but I tried to keep it short and not mention relationships with that aswell which has damaged my trust in women.

Im not sure how I should approach my doctor/GP and im unsure about anti depressants, do they even work? Will they work for me? Or even counciling at that matter :/ I dont fancy getting the well everyone gets down speech as I know that! I've called this off for long enough and now I dont really have much reason to not seek treatment do I?

What can I do? What should I do? As I'm pretty lost/confused/tired and sick of being this way as its holding me back and I know it is, I want to be able to enjoy things to the full not partially not being out with my friends and having these depressing thoughts lingering in my mind! To be able to cry and actually feel better rather than just feeling like its so pointless afterwards.

Post Edited (MC31) : 8/12/2010 9:01:52 PM (GMT-6)


vballplayingirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 8/12/2010 8:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I wouldn't be worried about how to approach your doctor, I'm sure they will refer you to someone that perscribe you anti-depressants if that is the course of action you decide to take. There are a variety of different anti-depressants out there and there are many people here that are on a lot of the different ones...in all honesty though the way they work depends on the individual. Based on what you've been through and how you feel and how emotionally stable/physically stable you are, that's how the medications are going to be perscribed, based on a variety of things. With counseling, what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. If you go in to see a couselor thinking they won't be able to help you, you could very well find the session going badly. You know what I mean? It depends on your mindset and what exactly you think you want out of it. With couselors though, they usually start with the general information and sort their questions and topics based on what you say, so it's nothing to worry about or find yourself getting preocupied with. Sit back and let them do all the work =P

I think couseling and/or medication is certainly the right way to go for you. It's great that you have coping skills, or have in the past, it sounds like they aren't cutting it like they used to though. If you decide to make an appointment with a couselor or doctor I know they'll give you new suggestions based on your interests and such. You already mentioned excercise, which is what I do at home and at my university, so I can't really give you much more input on that =P

Keep your friends close though, I wouldn't be worried about not enjoying yourself with them anymore and holding back with them--they probably understand more than you think.

Good luck, keep posting, hope I gave you a few things you could appreciate, not sure.

--Che
“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there”

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 8/12/2010 10:04 PM (GMT -7)   
MC-
Welcome to HW. I agree with you that a conversation with your GP is in order. Try not to jump to conclusions that the first step will be to medicate you. Usually the GP would want to order some blood work to check for any medical conditions that might cause/contribute to depression (hormone imbalances, anemia, hypothyroid, etc.). After ruling those out, s/he would usually recommend counseling. If it is determined that the counseling alone is not enough, then you might be referred to a psychiatrist or a prescribing psychologist to medication management. Some GP's do prescribe medication for depression.

The important thing is to start the conversation. There are good treatments out there & things can get better.

hang in there!
frances

MC31
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/13/2010 6:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Che I'd love to get back into exercising but with the depression I just have no motivation as all I can feel and think is its pointless. For me its like something positive happens and I feel good for a bit then its back to the norm which is feeling like this its like this has just become the standard way to feel for me.
I understand about counseling and I am willing to give it my all but would I be able to as my GP to refer me to a psychiatrist? Just kinda to speed things up? Giving my history etc. Its just being at university and the amount of work I know my ability to concentrate is impaired.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 8/13/2010 7:49 AM (GMT -7)   
MC31,
 
I am so glad that you have found us.  Welcome to HealingWell. 
 
I agree with the above posts.  You have to take a step and see your doctor to get started.  It can be a long road, but it is worth it.  Keep trying, keep an open mind.
 
I am sure that you will start feeling better soon.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

vballplayingirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 8/13/2010 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I totally understand where you're coming from about not being able to concentrate at university. Your GP should definitely be able to refer you to a psychiatrist, and if for some reason they can't, you can always google psychiatrists in your area and see who has the best ratings, comments, etc etc. The person I went to see awhile back was actually my mom's psychiatrist at first, so if you have someone you know of that has seen somebody, could always ask around.
I have a counselor at school who helps me a lot...I'm in a pretty tough program and if I lose focus or get sidetracked by my depression, bad things happen to my grades. So I would check with your GP if you want to see a psychiatrist/get a referal from them. They have connections, so I don't see any reason you can't get in to see someone soon.

Good luck =)

--Che
"Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down
and your eyes are shut."
-Alex Gaskarth

MC31
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/16/2010 3:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Thing is its not really something I want to talk or mention to my family anymore I've realised it is pointless a lot of the time. That outlook may seem harsh but depression does seem to run in the family too and a bit of a taboo I believe. I'm okay at the moment had a good day so feel a bit better but I know come tommorow it will be back to the same. From my own research I'd probably see my self more as Atypical just from general symptoms but going to go into doctors tommorow and get the ball rolling, feel quite nervous about and apprehensive like the doctors going to look down on me or something its silly but just how I feel.

No problem siobhan look forward to hearing from you.

MC31
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/16/2010 6:40 PM (GMT -7)   
I realized as I got older and found out that my brother was also abused by my father on the side, which I didnt see but for me I didnt care as even if I was in pain I never took it out on others intentionally it was always a last resort. My brothers really the one who needs to anger management far more than me his temper is almost non existent. I try not to dwell on these things nor hold hatred to those people as it would just make me bitter, my brother still talks to my dad and well kisses his arse to be simple which I dont get, he also acts like I owe him favors constantly even though I have literally put my life on the line because of him and his actions.On my 18th birthday I ended up getting run over by a car and getting attacked by 10+ people and I remember nothing of it all because my brother started a fight and I went to help....I survived somehow. I understand that everything that happend because either my father or mother was suffering and that got passed onto us. Strangly its always nice to know that others have went through the same oddly.

Yes your right children as long as they can walk and talk they are fine, as we dont feel any pain and depression? WHAT NO WAY!! Though at times I had my grandpa say to me when I was about 18 " your depressed thats why your always on the computer" and well he was right. When I was a kid I was never in always out and about till late at night I had no fear be it talking to girls or showing off but after a few years all gone. It took me a long time to build up my self asteem and well most the time I just have to bullsh!t it because its not magically going to come back, I found I just need to go out of my own comfort zone and try and grow and compliment myself.

Sometimes i've tried to explain to not so close friends about how I felt at the time but its something thats hard for people that have never felt that low to want to end it to them its beyond there comprehension. Well thats how it made me feel then a few other friends are quite understanding and that helped as I eventually found myself living for my friends to be honest.

How do you find anti depressants do they work well for you? Did you have to spend much time finding what did work? How bad were the side effects?

Im studying IT management for business at uni, kinda boring but meh better than nothing as my original dream was the police or raf so had to make some sort of choice.
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