Is this just another form of my depression?

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tiredoftrying
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/17/2010 12:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, new here. I am 53, nothing but a long string of failed, weirdly abusive relationships, over 25 years of trying different meds, dozens of jobs etc etc. A few years ago became suicidal while on an antidepressant, I was really bad for months, only still alive because I couldn't do that to my kids, went through several years of cognitive therapy, really lucked out and had a great therapist.
I have dated alittle here and there, but can't stand having people in my life. Don't know if it's them or me (ha ha). When in relationships, I have allowed some of the most horrendous things, when abused I withdraw, even when critisized, I withdraw.
Anyway, I don't want to try another relationship, have only met "crazies" (no insult intended to anyone here) who have tried to be friends, etc, so I don't want to try to have any type of friendship or boyfriend or anything. Even a neighbor bugged me bad, borrowing, mooching, endless complaints about how hard her life is, so I limit contact, am very standoffish to people.
So, all you experienced types here, even though the cognitive therapy has done wonders for me, (I don't let myself "go there", have the thought that lead to depression and self pity), is this hermit like life another symptom of depression?
Thanks

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 8/17/2010 7:29 AM (GMT -7)   
T-
Hi! Welcome to HW! I agree with Shuvvy. You are not alone in feeling that way & there are therapists who specialize in helping people learn to identify problem people & avoid them as well as develop deep & meaningful relationships with people who aren't crazy (maybe garden-variety depressed, but not abusive or anything like that ;).

Cognitive therapy might help some, but probably psychotherapy would be better for those kinds of issues. You deserve to be happy & have good solid friends.

hang in there!
frances

PS -- If you still have a phone number for your old therapist, s/he might be able to refer you to someone who specializes in treating those kinds of issues. Give him/her a call & explain the issue briefly & see if s/he can give you the name of a colleague who specializes in those areas. You don't need to feel badly about asking. People do that all the time. :)

tiredoftrying
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/17/2010 9:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks to you both, for the welcome and the kind words. I will think about returning to therapy, but the thing is, I don't seem to want to change this. I will think on it though, I feel safe this way.

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 8/17/2010 5:54 PM (GMT -7)   
just curious, if you're okay with it, why'd you post?

no one here is an expert & we can't diagnose you. there are a lot of things it could be -- possibly asberger's, possibly depression, possibly social anxiety... but if you don't want to change it, does it matter which of those it is?

tiredoftrying
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/17/2010 6:20 PM (GMT -7)   
My initial question was whether those here think it's another form of depression. I understand that certain states of mind, like depression, can result in thoughts that are not where near accurate. This is a process for me, and since reading the answers, have started to think that maybe I need to just bit the bullet and find a professional to talk to. Maybe it's a lack of motivation, and was looking for different views.
Not wanting to try IS the problem I am speaking of.
And for the record, I have read numerous posts on here, long rambling things about a wide variety of things, didn't think there was any harm in asking, there are all kind of people on here and other sites that seem to just be wanting the attention, I was looking for opinions that might jump start a desire to take a risk and try to maybe change this aspect of my life, if that's ok.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/17/2010 6:57 PM (GMT -7)   
I believe that sometimes we get comfortable with being depressed. It becomes easy. And a lot of times we don't realize just how lousy we are feeling until we start to feel better again. And I think that is what you are saying, but not sure. If I am wrong, so be it. But there seem to be a lot of people that find it easier to live with depression than to get help. But once you get the help that you need and you feel better, life is easier in the long run.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 8/17/2010 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
there's no harm in asking. i was just trying to figure out what kind of help you were looking for from the members. counseling isn't for everyone & if you don't want to try that it's fine but I was having a hard time understanding what you wanted members to provide.

you made the effort to come here & post so I was trying to figure out how we could try to support you.

hope you find what you're looking for.

blessings,
frances

tiredoftrying
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/17/2010 7:21 PM (GMT -7)   
So, getting by, I guess it's your opinion that this might be a kind of depression, thanks!
I am starting to think that maybe it is something I need to just deal with, take that risk, see if the counselors available to me (poor and no insurance) are worth seeing, I have had some bad experienced with those kinds of places. They don't pay their professionals much, so there is a revolving door for therapists, and sometimes the ones that stay for years are really sub standard and just have you sign a form, then leave.
My last therapist was at one of those kinds of places, so maybe I will get luck again. It was while seeing him that I learned that the other times I had been to that location it was recorded as "therapy sessions" of 50 minutes with the other people that work there, and the only thing they did was hand out meds, and if I tried to talk, the lady would say, "let's talk about that next time", and I wouldn't be with her more than ten minutes, usually less.
OH JEEZ, That's why I am so hesitant, begging for help and getting none. Hmmm.

Thanks

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/18/2010 7:21 AM (GMT -7)   
That seems like a pretty crappy way to go to want to address something next time. You just got a bad therapist. There are many and many good ones. But I have had some that I didn't take to and I know how it feels when you want to get some help and the therapist just sits there. I had some that I never went back to. But when you get a good one, it is remarkable how you can learn from them.

Best wishes,
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

tiredoftrying
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/18/2010 8:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, there are many bad ones out there, as I said, it wasn't until a couple years later that I learned that it was supposed to have been therapy, I literally didn't ever spend more than ten minutes with the woman. The new good therapist went over my chart with me, and said "oh you had therapy with Joan for x amount of time" and I said "what?". Explained it to him, it was more like just a check in thing, and once when in a frenzy of anxiety and depression, I started to talk, and she said, "well, we can talk about that next time". So I never tried talking to her again. Then to find out she was recording it as an hour (50 minute hour) of actual therapy. To think of all the people she did that to, and her only concern was checking off things in a chart to justify her paycheck.
Had a therapist in the early to mid 90s, really good at some things, helped through a divorce, but then she wanted to meet for lunch, talk about how she needed money to go to Europe, etc etc. The more I got to know her, I realized that I was more mature and independent than she was, and that is not a good thing to know about your therapist. She compared my house going into foreclosure to her needing money for yet another trip (vacation), and talked me out of looking for just any job, I was supposed to be looking for something "meaningful", then after months of that, she tells me that maybe I was right, that she too was now looking for just any job to bring in some money. I so wanted to say "you have got to be freakin kidding me".
Funny thing though, or maybe not so funny, I got a little cash, and she wanted a third of it, since I had run up a bill, so I gave it to her, quit going, was in such bad financial straits I had to file bankruptcy, and her bill was included in the bankruptcy, but she never returned the paperwork to my attorney. It was a chapter 13, where creditors get paid (at least something), so she never got paid off. You can't pick and choose who to pay in a situation like that, if they don't return the paperwork, they don't get paid.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/18/2010 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
That therapist was way out of line. My mother had one like that. She knew that my mother had some money stashed and she wanted it. When my mother went into foster care, she thought that she was going to run things. I didn't let her. She wanted to put my grandmother into a nursing home and sell their home. Liquidating assets she said. She was such a crook. But I made sure she didn't get her fingers on any of it. I took care of my grandmother. What was funny was my grandmother adopted me and she didn't realize it. So when it came down to court hearings, I was recognized as a daughter, boy did that make her mad. It was truly funny to watch her face as she realized taht she wasn't going to get any money. So I know how some of them can be. And to take the process out of the office is usually a bad sign to me. So you were lucky you got out of that when you did. I hope that you can find one that is good. There are many. It is just a process of elimation after a while. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

tiredoftrying
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/18/2010 3:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Scary story Karen, so glad you were there for your Grandma and her estate. When I was working with senior citizens a few years back, there was a man who so many people were trying to scam, so I stopped by his place really often and gave the neighbors who were there the evil eye (they were one of the parties trying to con him out of his land). Don't know if it did any good, I certainly hope so, but it was just a year long thing for me, but I think I got the lazy woman running the program to give a darn about him and a few others. She only wanted to shop and lie her butt off on the paperwork to keep the government money coming in (and her job), so bad it was to the point I had to call social services on a woman who kept abusing her husband who had alzheimers (and he was so bad), and the boss lady tried to "fire" me over it (I was a volunteer of sorts) and told me I had no business reporting her, that I was to come to her first and she decided what was reported. Well, she was too crooked to report anyone.
The world is so full of the self absorbed only concerned with their paycheck, their stuff etc. Maybe that attitude contributes much to my desire to keep to myself, but I have seen so much, and experienced the worst of people.
Thanks for your support and sharing your own experience, love to read about someone caring about another and stopping someone from taking advantage!

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/18/2010 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Yeah,

I found out that my mother was doping my grandmother up and taking her money and had to put a stop to that. It was sad. My grandmother didn't know any better. Plus my mother was hitting her I suspect. But that ended. I feel good about what I did. I had to fight the whole family who wanted her money. I made sure that every cent was spent on her. And her care.

I hate when the elderly or sick are abused, well anybody for that matter. Thanks for your kind words.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

tiredoftrying
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/18/2010 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   
The love of money surely is the root of all evil. All that must have been very hard for you at the time. I was in a situation with family years ago, and the thing that blew my mind was how conniving people can be. Plans within plans, strategic lies, threats. It was hard to get it through my head what others were doing. It was like they had all seen too many soaps or episodes of Dynasty or something.
I considered trying to get a regular job with the senior services that I volunteered for, but I knew there wasn't a chance since I had bucked the system and just opened my mouth too much. There was (still is) a meals on wheels delivery person, on drugs, scoping out valuables she can get "cheap" from some of the older people. She bragged about it in front of several people, but she lies for the boss, so she keeps her 15 hour a week job.
I am trying to learn to keep my mouth shut in life, in order to actually effect some real change when in situations like that. If only I could learn to be as sneaky and underhanded and not express disgust and outrage.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/18/2010 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I know, it is hard when there are deceiptful people in this world.  But we do the best that we can to make things right.  I am sure our small jestures to matter.  I do like to think that.  We picked blackberries for an elderly lady who can't get out to get them.  It was fun and we felt good about it.  I like to think that she really appreciated it.  Sad thing is she has many children and I don't see them doing things for her.  But that is just the way that it is. 
 
I hope that you had a nice day today.  It was cooler here, but going to get hot again soon.  I dread that, but I dread winter even more.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

tiredoftrying
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/18/2010 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   
A pretty great day thanks. I am back in school and this was the first day of classes. Was dreading it in some ways, my knee is kind of messed up and was afraid the walking would be a problem, that it would give out on me bad. There have been times at home in the last couple of weeks that I just about fell, but today, with a brace and slow going, it was fine. Third semester back, so the whole being self conscious of being old enough to be other students' grandmother thing doesn't bother me too much. Hard classes though, but I am up for it. This school thing is the first time in a long time, I mean years and years, that I feel like I am succeeding at something.
So you were picking blackberries today?
Is it ok if I private message you?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/19/2010 8:57 AM (GMT -7)   
My email address is in my profile, send me an email anytime. 
 
I am proud of you for going back to school.  I think of that now and then.  I went when I was younger, need twelve credits for an associate in art and secretarial science, but this has been years ago.  I mean in the 70's and 80's.  So I would need a lot of refresher courses.  Oh well, we are never too old to learn.  At least I hope not.  You know how that goes.  I am 51 and when I was working, I was the oldest one there.  Nobody realized how old I was though, so I must look kind of young for my age, I am glad.  But that doesn't change my age none.lol...
 
I hope that you have a good day.  Thanks for writing and saying such nice things.  I really appreciate it.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

tiredoftrying
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/19/2010 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen,
If you have considered going back to school, I can really recommend it. It was very scary at first, still is at times. I first took classes '79, '80, then some more '92, but always gave up to work more, kids, bills, single parent and all. It has helped so much in my memory, concentration, and like I said, the feeling of succeeding at something is so great.
All my credit hours transferred, they never suggested refresher courses on anything. Had a two week three credit hour course (in communications, my first class in that area), and it kicked my butt, but really made me up my study skills, and I got an A.
Shoot, I am 53, will be 55 when I get the bachelors. It very much feels like I am enjoying the journey, rather than focusing on the goal, at least when I am not stressing out, but even the stress this semester is less than when I started in January, and I am taking actually hard classes this semester, new buildings to find, etc.
My life was pretty empty though, horrid jobs, two of my kids and all of my grandkids live really far, the one son that lived fairly close was busy with his own life, had a waitress job in a small town with customers that felt free to tell me I needed to lose weight, a completely narcissistic owner that I had known for years (worked for them before, but went back like a fool because I needed the job) who expected me to be available for all kinds of hours, gave up something I loved doing. Finally walked out in a huff when a grabby old man finally got a feel of my boob. I had told him and told him to keep his hands off me, the owner told me a couple of times that she talked to him, but what she related she said to him was more of an apology for me telling him off.
Told them I was going over to the police station to file a report and I would be back, while there and writing it all down, even the police chief said the owners should have done something earlier. After leaving, I just went home rather than back to work. Small town, walked, so the people at the restaurant could see me pass right by and go home. I only went through with pressing charges because I knew he was grabbing at all kinds of people, a young woman who delivered his medications etc. Couldn't find a job after that, so in a way, I painted myself into a corner, had nothing to lose by moving to go back to school. Living on student loans right now, wanted to get a few semester under my belt before I tried adding work to the mix since every other time I let work take over and quit school.
So in many ways, my going back to school was because so many other doors slammed shut and it was the open window.
Anyway, sorry to go on and on, my point is school has been a great experience so far, and it's done great things for my head, and there wasn't much else in my life. If I had family, a home etc, I doubt I would have done it.
Hope you have a great day too!
Becky

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 8/19/2010 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Thanks Becky,

Just click on my name and that will take you to my profile, or click on the little envelope (I think) underneath my name.  I think that is what is there.  That will get us emailing. 

I live in a small town too.  I worked last year at the local convenience store/gas station.  I loved it, but found out that if I continued we would make too much money for my husband to get his health insurance so I quit.  But really enjoyed it and it gave me confidence knowing that I can still do it.  I was one of the best employees because I came to work when I was suppose to.  The younger ones wanted to party all of the time.  And it was within walking distance for me so that was nice.  Though my husband usually gave me a ride and picked me up because it was dark when I got off work. 

I think you are sounding good.  I am proud of your accomplishments.  You should be too.  Keep up the good work, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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