Need help with Spouse.

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New Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/17/2010 5:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey everyone.

This is my first post here as I just thought that this is a good day to try and start mentioning this problem more publicly and receiving advice.

I'm a 25 year old graphic designer and I've been living with my girlfriend for two years. To sum is up in a nutshell she is currently on a visa living in canada with me and our dog that we got together for the last two years and is also an artist.I remember she had told me before we started dating that she has had an issue with depression and I have previously dated a girl with depression for many years and found the struggle hard but I figured this case was different. The level of depression is , but the overall drough I'm in is becoming the same.

I'm having trouble coping. I love her to death and I've always been faithful, also always trying to keep optimistic but I find myself growing more weary and tired of trying to be so positive all the time and where I feel like I am moving into a sad state of mind as well.

When we first started dating it was long distance for a little while, when she would visit and when I visited her we would have constant relations and great talks, and relaxed times but as soon as she moved over here on her visa she has slowly stooped into sadder states of mind which always leads me to believe she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Before we moved in together everything just seemed so picture perfect it was unbelievable.

I think the issue started when she moved in not for the fact of moving with me, but because she was away from her home country, friends and family. Which I perfectly understand so anytime any of those topics are mentioned I tip toe lightly and try to be as compassionate as possible because I understand all the time, effort and energy it took to get here and to stay here. So that wasn't too bad. When we first got our dog together it was a great sign of commitment and stress relief for her as well.

I wasn't expecting ANY of this to just end the sad affair. I expect NO easy fix. It just seems like over the months and years now I find that every little problem that comes around is starting to turn into a bigger problem. Anytime I try to solve or fix them it just escalates into slight anger or puts me into a mood where I no longer feel like doing anything would accomplish or change anything at all. I just feel so careless, not carefree.

Sometimes in our relatioship I can clearly tell she tired of me, or what I do and even one time recommended that we go onto a break while she was overseas. My reaction to this was definitely not as pleasent as I'd hope to have been. I ended up crying most of the night away, frustrated, I could barely sleep for days over worry that while she was in another country that she would just leave me and that would be it. I didnt' know what to think, then she came back and it was like I had to forget that time, it is now a taboo subject in the house to be mentioned.

I'm just so unaware of how to handle things anymore and I feel like I'm starting to back away from a happy place and starting to fall into my own stupor. It seems the more relaxed I try to be, the more I care , laugh , stay away or stay close is never good enough or the right reaction. There are moments when things get better but they seem to become brief and far and few between. One hour will be fine and the next will be tears, fighting or anger over just about anything. Getting a three bedroom apartment and each of us having our own office to work in has improved our space, but only time will tell if even that still works. Our initimate relations have stretched from daily to bi-weekly and I find myself distancing myself into my hobbies and video games just to have space away because I'm simply not receiving much attention when I want it.

I try to do the dishes, clean up, shop, laundry , prep all food ( although sometimes not on time lol ) and just about everything sometimes even WHILE I work but I never seem to get any good response out of it for more then a couple of minutes.

The reason why I decided to try and seek the counsel of others is because on a more recent note she has been having bank issues but all that is coming to a close now after months of dealing with them and I have been stressed trying to get this to all come together and FINALLY when its just about to end LITERALLY tomorrow she cries and I accidently said " Don't freak out " which made her cry more hit the wall turn over and tell me to leave. I then sat there for a moment trying to re-itterate myself that there is nothing to worry about but after saying it a few times I just didnt care to waste my time and went to my computer..I guess I do care though or the first thing I wouldn't do is look up about 20 pages of depression / dealing with depression things and writing this post.

I just want things back to the beginning. I love her and I know she loves me but I feel like I myself am starting to get depressed.

I need help now before something bad happens, or before things get any worst. I want to marry her, but i want her to be happy.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40391
   Posted 8/17/2010 6:30 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi David,

Welcome to the HealingWell depression forum.  You have come to a good place.  I am wondering if maybe you two spend too much time together.  Being that you both work out of the home.  People can get moody when in that situation.  Though I am not saying that is all it is, but closed quarters can lead to getting edgy with eachother.  So I think that plays a part of it.  Generally when couples work, they don't see eachother as much and as they say, familiarity breeds contempt.  And absence makes the heart grow fonder.  So maybe it would be good to spend some time apart, not spit up, but each of you start doing things on your own with other people.  Such as going to the gym, or out with a friend.  Though you may already do that. 

Counseling for you would help you to understand and deal with her depression.  And help you if you are starting to get it.  Also it is another form of support, which I think you could use right about now. 

The best thing you can do is let her know that you are there.  She is going to have down days where nothing makes her feel enthusiastic.  Days where she is angry, and days where she cries.  Is she getting help for her depression?  If not, I suggest a doctors appointment, she might need medication or counseling.  It would help both of you if you both went to counseling.

It isn't easy living with somebody with depression, and it is even worse being depressed.  So you have come to a good place to get other peoples opinions on this.  I hope that she starts feeling better soon.  And I hope that you do too.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen

  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18554
   Posted 8/20/2010 5:32 AM (GMT -6)   
you need to communicate. it is key. my lady, not with me has made no contact or attempts of such. and i have put in 5 yrs worth!! yes she has some complex disabilities but she is a 39 yr old women as well!! you need to listen to each other. a good tool is the 5min me the 5 min you. toss a coin, the winner begins, no interuptions are allowed, so take the ph off the hook, put the do not disturb sign and go. each person must listen without interuption. the person listening may wish to write some notes, then the other, at the conclusion you can both discuss the key information that was presented. the tool can be a topic, and or just what the person wants the other to hear. wishing you well. with compassion, jamie.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2268
   Posted 8/20/2010 9:04 AM (GMT -6)   
I think you've already gotten some really good advice.

The only thing I would add is that depression is so tricky. Someone can seem uninterested but really it's just the depression. If she's seeking professional help, then maybe it's worth giving it a little longer (or trying out the break & see how you feel when you're apart; maybe you'll both realize that you really do care for each other). If she's not, it's harder for me to suggest you stay with her. If you're willing to deal with the fact that she is likely to continue to have very low energy, low interest, and sad thoughts, that's great. And then if some day months or years down the road she decides to seek treatment it would only be icing on the cake. But if you're really struggling yourself at this point, maybe you need to at least try some time apart.

Obviously it would be ideal if she could get treatment. The really difficult thing -- and I've experienced this as well as some of our other members -- is that sometimes the depressed person finds a successful treatment & then the relationship changes for the worse. It seems counterintuitive, but it does happen. I was dating a guy for some time & thought we were perfect for one another. I really thought he was the one. But once I started feeling better, I realized that he was awfully cynical & I wanted someone who had a rosier outlook on the world now that I was feeling better. Plus, I didn't want to just sit around and watch DVD's at home or go to coffee shops to talk for hours on end. I wanted to go out & go dancing or ice skating or visiting museums. And he didn't.

I'm not saying you will be exactly the same, but it does happen sometimes that once treated the person with depression will change so dramatically that the two are no longer compatible. So I would caution you that rarely does treated depression look the way we might imagine. I wish I could offer you a clearer answer. It's just a really murky issue. But I do think she is lucky to have you in her life -- even if it doesn't work out in the end. And tough as break-ups can be, hopefully there is still something good that you got out of the time you spent with her that you can carry with you into the future.

warm wishes,
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