I really don't know what else to do, because I don't want to go to therapy, I'm about to start college and there's a lot else going on in my family.
I feel like I don't really know myself anymore, and I'm not sure I ever really have. I change a lot, whether it is my outside appearance, or my personal choices. I've been dating someone for about 3 years now, and he has some doubts about therapy and medical treatment to deal with personal issues. We've had a lot of problems over the last year or so... He has some problems too, and I think he is schitzophrenic...he's talked about it sometimes but he won't seek medical attention. He has a really idealistic view of what people can be, and he feels like I, and he, and we, should be able to be near-perfect. But, I am pretty argumentative sometimes and I get threatened very easily because of trust issues between the two of us. I've done a lot of stupid things to create drama and problems, but once I do them I feel like there's no way of fixing them. I feel like I'm stuck in one place and can't move forward. Before I met him, I did a lot of things for attention.
He has impacted me in a lot of positive ways, don't get me wrong. I feel like he's the one, and I never thought I'd say that about anybody...but emotionally I've hurt him a lot, and he's hurt me too. We're really trying to work it out but I'm not sure what to do anymore. When I start college, I'll be going to the same one that he does. A lot of what I'm dealing with does center around our relationship, but there's a lot more to it. I used to tell a lot of my friends a lot (too much) of what went on in my life, and that hurt my relationship because for the first year and a half or more I was keeping that from the person I was closest to. When things went really bad a few months ago, I told him a lot of those things. I really thought I could change, and it would all be better- but because of the things I've said and done he trusts me very little.
We got into another argument via texting (we hardly ever talk on the phone anymore... it's really sad) last night and I ended up hurting myself, which I've done a lot over the course of my life. I've done some terrible things to myself. This only upsets him more, but I don't know how to stop...I really don't want to hurt him, or anybody. But lately I've just felt like giving up completely, because I'm not even sure who I am or what I'm supposed to be like. It's like this huge mental block and all I do is cry or argue. I feel like I've lost nearly all my values as a person, and I'm not sure what to feel.
Please help me.