hey everyone. i'm not usually one for message boards, but i just feel like if i don't start letting something out somewhere i'm going to go crazy, so please bear with me here. i found this board on google when i typed it depression and decided to post this here. this is going to be long, but i'll try and sum this up the best i can.
i guess i'll start by saying i've always known i've been different from my peers, for as long as i can remember. i come from a working class city where everyone is content with only ever living here and never leaving to see the world. people are content with working class jobs, if they even have one. everyone else i know here are huge underachievers who like to get high all day. i've always kind of felt like i have had friends, but been alone at the same time. i'm artsy and creative and i don't really fit in here. i didn't fit in in high school. i've always known there were bigger things out there that i was meant to do and still do know this, but this monster called depression has ruined my life for the past number of years and held me back from just simply being the person i want to be or feeling comfortable in my own skin. what i've said so far probably contributes to my feelings, but i don't know if it is behind all of it. all i know is that everything adds up and depression is such a vicious cycle that is so hard to escape.
i suppose i've always had the tendency to be depressed, i've always been emotionally sensitive, and depression runs in both sides of my family so i know it's not anything strange that i have it. i guess something notable that happened to me when i was younger was my dad abandoning me and moving away and not speaking to me again. i was 9 when it happened and i'm 20 now. i remember feeling depressed and hurt about
it as a kid, but i wouldn't say it's as intense as the depression i feel now because i know my thoughts weren't as in depth and i guess didn't really understand why he had done it because i was so young. the biggest affliction that probably came out of that is that ever since that happened i've had trouble trusting people and have always had really paranoid thoughts about
people in general. i always have the thought in the back of my mind that someone could be deceitful or hurt me or stop wanting to be in my life at any given second, because, why couldn't they? my own parent did it. but with that being said i don't feel a void over not having a father anymore, it's been long enough now that i think i've gotten over it for the most part. and i'm really close to my uncles (his brothers) and they really tried to help make up for him not being in my life and still do.
when depression really hit me was about
three years ago. it was after my grandma died, who i was extremely close to, and the grief was really overwhelming. she lived with my mom and i and was helping us pay for the house we live in, and that my mom had just bought the year before she passed away. when she died, my mom went into extreme debt and we didn't have money for anything anymore. it's like something inside of me triggered me to just give up, and i didn't even know why. i just suddenly got so apathetic about
everything. i started skipping school because i couldn't bring myself to go and i couldn't focus on my homework or anything to do with it. and when i would get in really depressive moods, i didn't want to be around people because i didn't want them to interfere and i didn't want to tell them because i knew they wouldn't understand. some "friends" of mine even started gossiping about
me at school and telling everyone how much i had issues because i wasn't going. i started withdrawing myself from people and the only person who seemed to really remain in my life a whole lot was my best friend, who never seemed to understand my depression and i even didn't want to be around her half the time. i would just sit at home and cry in my grandma's empty apartment, sitting in the chair i always used to sit in when i'd talk to her. i'd lie to my mom so she wouldn't find out about
me not going to school. i'd even disconnect the phone lines so that she wouldn't get the school's phone calls saying i hadn't gone to class, and then delete the messages. at first i didn't even really identify what i had as depression. my mom and other family members, when they found out i wasn't going to school, told me that it was because i had screwed up my sleeping pattern and that's why i wasn't going to school and they were trying to punish me (they took away my internet). at first i wondered if it was only something i was doing to myself, but i guess people's accusations can persuade you and mess with your head. i knew deep down that something wasn't right, and it was true that my sleeping patterns got messed up and i would be up all night, but realized that's because depression and anxiety obviously does this to people and some nights i would be up all night thinking so much and feeling so upset that i couldn't sleep anyway. i knew something was up because i was a good student and i got good grades before this happened and i wouldn't have just suddenly stopped caring for no reason.
i switched schools the next year because i got in a fight with my best friend and felt so alone, but the depression still persisted. even when my friend made up with me and even moved to that school to make up for everything, i was still depressed and couldn't focus on school at all. i couldn't bring myself to care about
it. some mornings i felt so down that i couldn't get up to go. same as the last year. i tried to pretend like it wasn't happening and said that i would make up for all the missed credits the next year since i had no idea what i wanted to go to college for anyway. later that year, in the summer, my aunt and uncle (who live in london) bought me a ticket to come visit them. they got me to take a summer course at an art school there. i was absolutely terrified to do it at first, but they pushed me (something nobody here ever did) and i can honestly say that to this day it is one of the best things i have ever done. i met people there who understood me and were on the same wavelength as me, not like the people who live here. for once in what felt like so long, i was so happy. i could have stayed there forever and probably have gotten better. i felt like there was stability staying with my aunt and uncle and i felt like for the first time in years i had gone to a school for something i had actually enjoyed. but of course, they bought me a roundtrip ticket, and i had to go back home. i got into such a deep depression when i came back home that some of it feels like a blur. i just kept thinking, "i was happy, i was finally so happy, why did i have to come back here when everyone knows what i've been through?" still to this day, that trip showed me that i have the potential to be happy. ever since then i thought to myself that the object to feeling happy is to leave this city because i don't belong here. but everyone told me i had to fix what i'd done to screw up high school, so of course i stayed here for another two goddarn years to try and do it. i was still depressed through it all, and still didn't manage to do it. still felt alienated from so many people here. i did manage to make a number of new friends here at one point, but things blew up after a while and i ended up losing most of them, causing me to feel depressed for yet another reason. there's been moments where i have been okay, like when i've seen people or gone to parties on the odd occasion, but for the most part i feel alone and that's when the depression really kicks in. it fluctuates. but i know it's never really gone away and it's gotten really bad these past few months. some days i can smile about
things and others i can end up having raging or crying fits. i developed anxiety this year that got so bad at some points that i've had panic attacks over it. i feel like i just keep progressively getting worse. i've been a huge hypochondriac this year too and at some moments have felt like i had various illnesses that were going to kill me and panicked over that, too. i feel like i just sit at home thinking too much to the point where i'm making myself unhealthy. i feel like i've spent too much time alone this year and i've lost myself in my thoughts and fears. i spend so many days just sitting at home because no one contacts me anymore and i've lost most of my friends. i officially fell out with my best friend this year which was hard, and i'm usually a pushover friend to anyone else because i'm usually nice and i never really stand up for myself if they cancel out on plans. i don't like going out alone because it bores me to do something without a friend, so i just think, why even try? i've lost my motivation to do anything. for almost every day this month i've spent it in my room. and i've been drinking a lot lately too, most of the time alone, try and numb the pain. if i get drunk enough it makes me forget all of this and then i can feel happier.
so here i am now. i finally managed to get accepted to a college and i'm supposed to be moving out on my own to a bigger city and starting school again in a few weeks. this is supposed to be my chance to finally get happier. but i'm scared about
it because i know that i'm not better, and, what if i have a more deep-rooted problem and simply changing my settings doesn't make it better? if i get like this when i'm living on my own, i'm afraid i'll do something to hurt myself. i think the reason why this has gotten so bad is because now that i'm 20 it's like i've reached a pivotal point in my life where i feel like because of this, there are things i should have done in my life by now and haven't. i feel so pathetic and horrible about
myself and i've become more and more insecure about
myself to the point where it makes me feel sick. i've never been in a relationship because of the depression and i feel inexperienced and pathetic, though i know this is partly my fault because there have been guys who have wanted to be with me and i have turned a number of them down simply because i knew that i couldn't handle a relationship whilst being so emotionally unstable. by this point in my life i feel inadequate. i know that 20 isn't old at all, but most people i know have experienced things i haven't because i was so shut out from the depression. i guess because of social stigma, it's made me feel bad about
myself along with this. i'm also so insecure and feel like i can't allow another person to see me in a positive light if i can't see myself that way. i have a way of thinking where i have an image set in my head of how i want to be, and if i don't fit that image, then i feel inadequate. i have high expectations for myself because i don't want to be like everyone who lives here and i don't want to be that everyday person with an average job, and i feel like i'm always gonna be setting myself up for disappointment. i want to be known for my art one day, i want to make a mark and most of all i want to be someone who i can wake up and love and feel happy being. i've felt inadequate and under pressure for years because i've always been told that i've had "so much potential" yet i feel like nothing but a failure because i screwed up high school, haven't done anything to prove any of my talents or worth in years, and have done nothing to put myself out there to anyone. i like to sing and write music, but i'm too afraid to show it to anyone. i feel like when i am around people i'm always constantly pretending and at the end of the day it makes me feel even more messed up. i lie to people about
being in relationships, about
what i'm doing, about
what i've experienced, because i feel like if they knew what i've really been like and all the things i really haven't done, they would think i had problems and wasn't normal and i don't want to be seen that way because i'm so ashamed of myself. i can pull it off well because i guess i can say, in the most honest way, that if you were to meet me or look at me you wouldn't even know any of this. i'm not socially awkward and i don't really have social anxiety. i'm an attractive girl, and i do get approached by guys all the time. i'm sick of turning them down. i'm not abnormal on the surface. so it makes me feel even more ashamed that this person is the real me. i feel like we have the power to choose who we are in life and that i didn't choose to be any of this, so why should i have to exhibit this...person that i hate being? why should i have to show that in actuality i have become this imbecile that i hate? i feel like i want to be a completely different person, and be more of the "real me" (the person in that image in my head, the person that i know i can be) when i move and meet new people out of this city, and i'm so afraid of them knowing how i've really been. i feel like i just want to move with a completely clean slate, but is that really possible? do we always have to be affected by our past? do we always carry a bit of it with us? i'm just really scared about
all of this and i don't even know why, but the feeling is so painful.
in the end, i know i need help and i know i should see a therapist, but i've been so deathly afraid of it. i know it's really easy for some people to do, and some people find satisfaction in going to the doctor when they have a problem, but it's probably my biggest phobia, literally. i've always hated doctors. i'm afraid of doctors confirming my worst fears and telling me that something is terribly wrong. i also am strongly against taking any anti-depressant medication because i know it has really messed people up. and i guess the biggest reason i can't bring myself to see a therapist is because of how good i've gotten at pretending i'm okay on the surface. all i've wanted to do is feel normal and i've figured out how to put on a great show to most people. i feel like, if i go to a therapist, i'm formally admitting that i'm not right and that i have a problem. and when i do that, that makes it real. i've always tried to shove the fact that i've had this depression into the back of my mind, but this all just needs to stop. it has held me back from so many possibilities, hindered my abilities and talents, and has isolated me and caused me to be alone for so long. it's just time for this to end now. the fact is that i'm not normal at all, and if i don't fight this then it might just get even worse. and it's really bad right now and i even had a huge drunken breakdown the other night (i'm also afraid of becoming an alcoholic). i'd hate to see this get any worse.
i don't know what to do. i feel better already by typing all of this out, but even admitting that this person is me is a really hard thing to do. basically, at this point in my life, i feel like i have to hide it in order to come across as being normal to people, when really i wish i could just let people know everything about
me so that they could help me. should i really go and see a therapist, or will this move potentially be what makes me better? i'm so upset about
all of this and just wish i could talk to someone who understands, as lame as this sounds. and it is easier to do this on the internet where people don't actually really know me. sorry if this was such a novel, but i needed to get it out so badly. if you have read all of this, then thank you soooo much. :)
Post Edited (future perfect) : 8/20/2010 4:42:13 PM (GMT-6)