Insulted By Being Degraded Buddy

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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 8/25/2010 11:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I had planned a trip to visit my family in March, and couldn't go because I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. Thinking I was past my depression, I used the plane tickets this past week. I don't really know why I did it, but on my way, I visited my ex. I know that he doesn't love me - he suggested that we be  buddies - but I can't get over the rejection. I feel like a terrible person because I know it's not personal and he didn't mean to hurt me, but I feel horrible. I made the mistake of asking him questions like "why not me?" and "if we lived in the same place, would we still be dating?". Stupid. We dated for two years and have been broken up for one. I saw this weekend all the things I hated about him, and I know that deep down he doesn't care about me, but it really hurts to be rejected. Why, after a year, am I feeling so horrible? He said "I wanted to move on. I thought you did too. I want you to sleep with as many guys as you want." He's not a bad person, he's just done and said some not nice things. I feel as if it is a personal attack and that I'm not good enough.

Since coming home from this "vacation", I have shut myself in a dark room and taken medication that I know will make me sleepy just so I don't have to face the pain. I start school in less than a week, and my whole life is a mess. Not wanting to deal with cleaning my room, I have taken over what used to be my sister's room. I'm avoiding everything and everybody and can't stop crying.

I see a counselor and go to group DBT therapy, but feel like it's making it worse. It worries me that the doctor that prescribes my drugs doesn't communicate with my counselor and vice-versa. All they know about my medical history is what I've told them - and who knows how reliable that is? I met with a psychiatrist once that would see me and prescribe my drugs, but seeing him would mean letting down the counselor and the group that I have committed myself to. Why is this so difficult?!

I'm anxious, depressed, and lethargic. Logically, I know that I need to get up and shower and run errands and get ready for school, but I can't make myself do it. This boy stayed with me for two whole years, took me to the doctor's, monitored my depression, helped me with my schoolwork, took me to the hospital, put up with all my baggage... I just assumed he was in for the long haul. Various family members have told me that he wasn't right for me, or that "he was a sprinter, not a marathon runner", but I just keep crying. I keep replaying what I did wrong in my head. If I had put more effort into my appearance, would he have liked me more? Would have stayed with me? He broke up with me when he graduated from college and I was entering my senior year. He told me this past weekend that it was because "honestly, I didn't want to be tied down to any one place" and that he "didn't want to be with anyone" but that he could also see how I could "take that personally." It hurts even more that he hasn't had another girlfriend since me. It wasn't even like "oh, I left you because I was in love with someone else" - he just wasn't in love with me. What's wrong with me? Why do I care so much? I feel so confused, and hurt. I feel ugly and undesirable and like I have nothing to contribute to the world.

I don't want to worry my parents, because I know they're trying to help but I don't know what to do. I've removed this guy from my social networking site, blocked his e-mails and removed him from my phone, but it only made me want to contact him more. I know his address and memorized his phone number (so yes, deleting it was totally pointless), and I just have all this time on my hands where I want to call him and apologize and I don't know why. Everyone in my life before him loved me unconditionally, and I thought he did too. The break-up was a shock, but it was in May 2009. He's moved on. He only wants me as a hook-up buddy and I stupidly accepted. I didn't have the guts to not accept his phone calls this past weekend, and I feel awful. I don't like the way I left things. I'm not a mean person - why doesn't he love me? I thought that visiting him would make me feel better - I don't know why - and now I have never been this self-destructive, out of control or depressed.

I can't tell my parents about it, because they told me not to see him. They said to avoid him, but that is obviously way easier said than done. If I'm good enough to have sex with, then why am I not good enough to date? His answer was "I think we're dealing with the differences between the male and female psyches here." Crappy answer. He just wants me for sex, and I want him back. The last thing I said to him on the phone yesterday was "we'll talk later?" and there was a silence. Then we said goodbye and I just started crying (at the airport) and haven't stopped since. Everyone says there will be other men in my life, but I don't want another man. I just want him to love me again. I feel like a stupid teenager (I'm 23) - like I can't just let it go. I've gotten over other (less serious) boys in the past, and there have been boys that liked me that I didn't like, so I should, logically, just accept that he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend. I wasn't good enough for a long-distance relationship; I'm only good for being a  buddy. I'm a smart person, but against the advice of my entire family, I hooked up with him anyway.

On vacation, I met up with a guy that had been a platonic friend who I talked to occasionally on the phone. He ended up spending the night. We slept together, but didn't have sex because he's a virgin. It made me realize that there really are nice, genuine, guys in the world that want more than just sex; the only problem is that this nice guy lives 3,000 miles away (or whatever the distance between the two coasts is). When I left, he hugged me and told me he wished I lived in the same town. It was after this that I hooked up with my ex - which I swore to myself I wouldn't do - and I feel like I can't tell anyone anything. I don't want to disappoint the guy I met up with over vacation, and - on some messed up level - I want my ex to feel like he's the only person I care about. That doesn't even sound right when I write it down, but that's kind of how I feel. I have this delusion that even though he moved away he still wants me. He told me in so many words that he doesn't. He just thought it would be fun to have a one night stand. I know deep down that it didn't even matter that it was me that he was sleeping with. All that mattered was he was getting sex. I feel dirty, and used, confused, sad, rejected. Mostly rejected. I'm on a lot of meds, and when I tried to kill myself it was on Valentine's day - because of my ex. What part of my brain is so masochistic that I can't just let it go? He has a job, an apartment, and a life. I live with my parents, am debating whether or not my decision to get my Master's was a good one, and cry 24/7 about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I have no one to talk to; I hate my counselor. Everything I do feels like a waste of time, money, etc. ... I have never felt so out of control.

If "time heals all wounds", then why am I still so delusional and stalkerish after a year? It's been a year! He clearly doesn't care about me even as a friend or a person and couldn't care less about what happens to me or how I'm feeling. I don't know what I thought I would get out of seeing him. Did I think that he would magically take me back? If I were my friend, I would tell myself that I was being stupid. It's so easy to say things like "there will be other guys" but I can't make myself believe it and in the meantime I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I literally can't get out of bed - I'm on a laptop - and my favorite foods don't make me happy anymore.

My aunt asked me the other day "what makes you happy?" and I broke down crying because I realized that there isn't anything. I watch too much TV, don't read enough, I don't like sports, and I have no friends. I feel dead inside. I can't change the past, but I don't know how to deal with the future. It is so easy to just break down and write my ex a letter or call him or whatever; I know it wouldn't do any good - it would probably make things worse or weirder - but I can't forget him. I can't not think of him. For any Twilight fans out there, I feel torn - on some level I know that even though I love Jacob (ironically my ex's name), there are Edwards out there. The guy I met while on vacation was clearly just a short lived thing too because he lives across the country, but he was just so genuinely sweet. I'm hung up on that too. Why can't someone here love me? Why can't I get out of bed? What is wrong with me?!

vballplayingirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 8/25/2010 1:19 PM (GMT -7)   
I can't exactly give you the world's best advice on this subject, but I do know what you're going through. I dealt with a situation exactly like yours and I'm still getting over him. It's been almost a year and I still think about him.
What I did to deal with my rejection/isolation/lonliness was to write him letters venting out all my feelings...and then I burned them/shredded them. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, so that's the way I could "say" everything I was feeling, without actually talking. That helped me deal with a lot of the pain. Otherwise, I just focused on getting good grades in school to take my mind off of him. Then I picked up the hobby of running. Then I started spending more time with my friends who were always there for me when I was first going through the rejection from this guy. He meant SO much to me and then poof, he's gone. That type of rejection and hurt takes a long time to go away and I'm not sure I'll ever forget about what happened between me and him. And that's probably how you feel about this guy as well. My best advice is to take things day by day, try and get back into your hobbies. An idle mind is not what you need right now because you'll just go back to thinking about him. And don't settle for being his sex buddy, respect yourself enough to know that he's using you and doesn't care about your feelings.

Good luck, take things one step at a time and ditch the guy who uses you. Trust me, it'll do you a world of good eventually. It's hard to realize that when the pain is so intense though...don't I know that...

Good luck,
--Che
"Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down
and your eyes are shut."
-Alex Gaskarth

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 8/25/2010 2:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there and welcome to healingwell. I am glad that you have joined us here.

I look at your situation differently than you do. To me, you have a good memory of a night together. But remember that he said that he didn't want to be in a relationship, so if I were you I would take it at that and not add anything to it. He desires you enough to have sex with you. But he doesn't want a relationship with anybody. I don't see a problem there other than you aren't getting what you want and that is a relationship. So take it one day at a time. Quit worrying about the future and dwelling on the past. Look at it as a good memory and move on from there. You both got what you wanted at the time, so all is good.

IF he were lieing to you and pretending to want you, you would be hurt. He is being honest with you and that does say something. But I wouldn't get your hopes up for any type of relationship with this man. And yes, there are Edwards out there and Jethros. You need to forus on school right now and what is important for your future, the rest will fall into place in time.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 8/27/2010 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry. I know I've been here before and I feel like I'm just complaining. How can I know logically that he doesn't care about me anymore (even after a two year relationship) and still care about his feelings? I have blocked contact with him, but know his phone number and think about calling him. Since coming back from my "vacation", I've stayed in bed and been so depressed I've taken pills that make me drowsy just so I don't have to face the day. I used to feel guilty for feeling depressed - I live with my parents - which I have stopped doing. I don't even care anymore who knows that I'm depressed. People keep telling me that "there will be other men" in my life, but I find this hard to believe if I am already so damaged.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 8/27/2010 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   
There will be other men. Mostly when you least expect it and aren't even looking for that. I know that you have heard it a hundred times, but you will get over him. It may take years, but I have been there. And life does go on and it can be good. Take it one day at a time. Get out of bed and do something nice for yourself. You will be glad that you did.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 8/28/2010 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your support, Karen. I am trying to take things one day at a time, but even that is getting difficult. I justify not getting out of bed by reading a book (as if that's any better than doing nothing), but realize that I've ended up wallowing. I feel like I have no purpose and there is no reason for me to get out of bed or get dressed. I know I'm burning bridges and ruining friendships, but I can't break this cycle...
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 8/28/2010 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Sometimes we just have to go through the cycle. I spent two years in bed from fibromyalgia. If I were to feel guilty about it, I would be on a huge guilt trip. So I cut my losses, because I lost two years of my life, and try to move on. Give yourself permission to stay in bed, and before you know it, you will be finding things to do. It takes the pressure off.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 8/29/2010 9:25 AM (GMT -7)   
@ getting by: thanks for reminding me that sometimes we just have to go through the cycle. you're right. i can't be happy or content all the time, and obviously pain is a part of life. i'm still laying in bed, but whatever. there are probably things i should be doing, but i'm letting myself off the hook. i really don't feel good...

@ vballplayingirl: thank you for sharing your experience. it makes me feel a little less crazy to know that i'm not the only person hung up on a guy that rejected me. i'm trying to take things day by day - or even hour by hour - and am having a really rough time. i haven't had the energy to write down my feelings yet, but when i do i might try burning them. that sounds very cathartic and therapeutic. i actually sent him a letter a few months ago detailing my feelings, so i don't even know why we hooked up last week. it was really stupid.

i guess i'm most depressed about the other guy. we met about 5 years ago, and i met him in person for the first time last year. i just saw him again and realized what a wonderful guy he really his. but i live in a state that touches one ocean, and he lives in one that touches the other one. what is that? like 3,000 miles? i miss him. i'm stuck here, when all i want to do is be with this guy. heeeelp !
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 9/6/2010 12:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I just realized that I joined HealingWell in September. Maybe I just have issues with the starting up of school...

Labor Day weekend was - though cold temperature-wise - fun and stress-free. However, the idea of going back to school and facing the real world seems overwhelming and impossible. I am blowing off phone calls from friends and am isolating myself again, not really sure what to do about feeling so anxious and depressed. I haven't heard from the 'other guy' in a couple days and even that makes me sad. Why am I so dependent?! Why do I need validation? This is getting ridiculous. My logical brain knows that I am being crazy, and my emotional brain wants this boy to call me to confirm that I am... I don't even know what... desirable? Loved? Sane? Heeeelp!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 9/6/2010 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

I think we all seek validation. And reassurance in things. But there is a difference in that and being dependant on it. But that is a part of learning to live your life. Learning to break free of that need. There is a book called Feeling Good/The New Mood Therapy. And it is by a Dr. David Burns. It is a real good book and guides you through getting better. Learning I believe it is cognative behavioral therapy. It seems that his book is based on that. It is an easy book to find on amazon or any of the others and often you can find it used, so it is inexpensive. I think that you would benefit from that book. So maybe give it a try.

You are going to get there. Be patient with yourself. Learn and live. Or live and learn. Whichever is easier for you. Know that you count. Your opinion matters. You are a good person.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 9/6/2010 6:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, Karen. I think the boy situation is just a link in a chain of really confusing events in my life right now. For a few years now, I have felt really entitled, spoiled, and - above all - misunderstood. I started a Master's program, but know that my family is taking out loans to pay for it. In my head, staying in it is analogous to staying in a bad marriage - I'm there because I don't have a better plan. NOT a good reason to waste money, time, and stay in school. I realize this. My parents are trying to help, and have been nothing but supportive. I want to move out of their house, but have no money. I can't get a job because I don't have the wardrobe, the wardrobe costs money - I always have an excuse. I am not afraid of a hard day's work, but feel like my parents think I like lazing around. I DON'T. I want to do something productive. I suggested we see a therapist together, and they yelled at me and said that I was perfectly capable of expressing myself. Why they pay for me to go, then, is beyond me. But whatever. I'm in school at the moment, but don't know how long that will last. Ideally, I would move to where I want to move - but I have no money, nowhere to stay, and no job.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 9/16/2010 9:13 AM (GMT -7)   
I know that there is no magical pill for depression and that things don't change overnight, but it's been ten days since my last post - I feel like I'm in confessional - and I feel ten times worse. I quit the Master's program I was going to do, and have been a recluse ever since; I ignore phone calls, stay in bed, and avoid everyone because I feel so guilty. I'm trying to find a job, but feel really incapable of doing anything. I want more than anything to move out of my parents' house, but feel like if I did I would fail completely. A friend has offered me a rent-free room until I find a place in a city I would love to live in, but I haven't found a job yet. Just a bunch of scams. I feel like the most gullible, inept person on the planet. My family (read: aunts, uncles, cousins) doesn't know the extent to which I am depressed, and I think judges me for my recent actions. I just want to get away, but don't know if I have the strength. I quit seeing my counselor and going to DBT group because I felt so guilty. My parents pay for it, and I'm more depressed than ever. I haven't done anything productive in days. One prospective employer called me and then didn't return my phone call. At the time I told myself that more would call, but they haven't. It was a great job - benefits, good pay, etc. and I'm really kicking myself for not following through. I'm sure they've found someone by now and that there are other jobs out there - I just am at my wits end trying to find one. Even if I got one, could I move across the country and be successful? Or would I just break down and fail completely? I feel terrible because at once I feel as if I have no friends and yet refuse contact when it is offered. I ignore phone calls because I don't want people to know how terrible I feel. I always just complain, and ... I don't know. Why do I push away the people offering to listen? My former roommate calls me often, and I never pick up because she's dealt with so much more than I have. She has several medical problems, is in constant pain, and deals with a stressful, complicated family situation. She is brilliant, and is the most cheerful person I have ever met. I feel so awful for ignoring her phone calls, but how can I possibly take them when I cry 24/7 ... and for what?! My parents would have paid for another year of school, and I dropped out. No good reason. Just dropped out, and seriously considering whether or not I made the right choice. I guess it doesn't really matter now, but I can't help feeling like nothing is going right. I want to take my friend's offer to stay with her, but I don't have a job to go to. Complicating things is the fact that there is a boy out there. I don't want to think that I would move somewhere (especially 2,500+ miles) for companionship. I know deep down that he isn't the reason; my mom's family lives there, and I would have a support network - but I can't get that idea out of my head. That the minute someone shows me affection I make impulsive decisions to be near him. I haven't changed anything about my meds, and feel so much worse than when I last posted. This might sound really cheezy, but Wynonna Judd was on Oprah the other day and said something along the lines of "I went from saying 'oh God, it's morning' to 'Good morning, God.'" I dread every part of the day. Mornings and afternoons are spent alone, wallowing. I cry, and feel guilty that I haven't found a job. I stay in bed, quarantined, because I don't have the strength to get things done. If I stay isolated, I won't depress the people around me. I don't sleep nights and have recently been dozing off during the day. I get nothing done. No job offers have come in yet, and I feel like a total failure. I guess the scariest part of this all and the reason I'm writing is food. This may sound like a total non-sequitor, but even food doesn't taste good anymore. This is a new, scary symptom for me. Eating is the most basic thing one can do - and I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy anything and am getting really scared that it will always be like this.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 9/16/2010 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
You are totally isolating yourself even from the things that can help you. Don't stop counseling, it is the one thing that could save you. Even if your parents are paying for it. You need this structure. Just think you may feel good enough to go back to school. You need to choose something, and I think counseling would be the place to start. Don't let life pass you by. I spent two years in bed and I really feel like I missed a lot of my life. Don't do that.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 9/20/2010 11:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I had to stop counseling; my counselor made me feel worse about myself. I didn't feel motivated, I just felt more helpless. I'm on an MAOI that's not helping, which is really starting to bum me out because you can't take any cold medicine when you're on it. I feel like I've had this cold forever, because I can't take anything to get rid of it! I feel like I'm getting punished for everything. I want to move out of my parents house and live on my own. Drugs are expensive, and so is therapy. I want to believe that I can do this on my own and not have to budget for all this crap that's not working...
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 9/21/2010 6:19 AM (GMT -7)   
How did your counselor make you feel worse about yourself?

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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