Desperate need of help

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vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 8/26/2010 10:39 PM (GMT -7)   
I haven't posted in a while because I was trying to see if I could deal with everything on my own but I realized that I can't. I have been suffering from depression for many years and it all started with my older sister's death when I was 11. It got worse over the years due to being constantly teased at school which led to low self esteem issues which carried over to college where I became suicidal but never attempted because I was too scared. I have never been on medication but I've tried counseling in college which didn't last because I was unable to open up. Now several years later, I'm trying to handle all of this stress and grief on my own. I have no friends to help me and my family doesn't know about this awful disease. I tried the rubber band method for a while and it actually worked at first but then the negative thoughts kept coming back every time something bad happened to me or my family. It doesn't help that every time I wake up in the morning, I find out that someone I know dies. It's gotten to the point where the first thing I think about is "i wonder who's going to die today" I am so scared that someone in my family will die (or get hurt) and I won't be able to handle it. I cannot stand another tragedy in my life but I know it's coming because no one is immune to it. No matter how much praying I do, it doesn't seem to help. I just want to cry but I can't even do that anymore. I've tried to reach out to old friends but they've all moved on with their lives and besides, they treat me like I'm just craving attention. I try to keep my mind off of things with hobbies, shopping, reading, working, etc but i eventually get bored or tired and then fall back in this endless pit of darkness. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 8/27/2010 7:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Vdogg,
 
I can relate to what you are going through because at my age, a lot of people I know are dieing.  Well, I am only 51 (only) but I read in the paper about people my age dieing and it makes you question your own mortality.  But I keep going, one day at a time. 
 
Maybe it is time for you to make some new friends.  That is possible, isn't it?  Go places that you enjoy and hopefully you will meet people there, it doesn't happen the first time usually, but eventually you see people enough and you start to talking and before you know it you have a new friend.  So think about that.
 
Coming here is a good thing too.  You have many friends here that will post to you.  And it is good just to type things out and get a different look at them.  I have always found that this helps me.  It is nice to get things down on paper, or screen as we know it.  lol...  So keep posting.  I am sure it will help you to feel better. 
 
It is hard when you are at this point in your life, but believe me it gets better.  You worry less about things, you take things one day at a time.  Life can be good.  It is all in the way that we look at things.  So Keep your Chin up.  Keep trying and keep posting.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2280
   Posted 8/27/2010 7:21 AM (GMT -7)   
V-
I really do think you need to talk to someone who is trained to handle hearing about so many bad things. You have been through a lot -- way more than most people can handle -- and I think that's why your friends have distanced themselves from you. It really sounds like you are a good person, just completely overwhelmed by all these awful events.

I would gently suggest either trying a new counselor (sometimes it takes meeting with a few before you find one you like & trust) or, since you mention praying, trying to talk to a pastor/priest/rabbi/religious leader. Either one of those would be trained to know how to listen to hurting people without getting overwhelmed themselves by your problems.

You have fought so hard for so long & I'm sure you're tired, but I want to encourage you to hang in there. There is hope & the world is not all awful. And I don't know who these people are that keep calling you with bad news, but maybe you need to tell them that unless it's your immediate family, you don't want to hear about the bad news. There's just so much one person can handle & it only seems to be making you feel worse (which is a common feeling when we hear something tragic & we can't do anything about it).

I hope that helps.

blessings,
frances

vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 8/28/2010 1:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the advice. I didn't really want to be too dependent on this site but after hearing about a death of an old high school friend, I needed a place to vent. She was killed in an alcohol related single car accident a few days ago(before I originally posted). We were no longer friends and we hadn't talked in years unless you count the time a few months ago when I tried to chat with her on facebook and she didn't respond. There was no falling out, she just moved on and found better friends(like all the rest). I am just in shock that she is gone but if I may be honest, she brought this on herself. She got in the car with a drunk driver. She knew what she was doing, unless she was too drunk to know the difference. I'm mad at her either way but at the same time I'm grieving for her and her family, who i've known just about my whole life. It's hard not to judge because I've never touched alcohol and don't plan on it. It does way more damage than good. I try so hard to be reasonable because I realize car accidents can happen to anyone but this one just seems so random and it could have easily been prevented. I really don't know what to think or feel. I think i've grown somewhat heartless because every time someone dies, I try to find a reason that they somehow either deserved it or they brought it on themselves. I hate this person I've become...and I can't really blame anyone for not sticking around.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 8/28/2010 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Try not to place blame, it just happened. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Grieve for her, miss her. It is healthy to grieve. You don't blame her, I know that you don't. You are just angry that it happened.

Know that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 8/30/2010 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Vdogg,
 
I know you have tried counseling before and feel you can solve your problems. But I think it is time for you to look around for a reputable therapist. There are many good ones out there. You may have to try several to get the right fit but I am sure you can
find someone who will help you. I think you are too overwhelmed right now to handle your feelings and a neutral person can do much to give you advice on how to handle the
difficult problems. You may also need a mild anti depressant. I know you probably don't want to do this but you may be surprised at how well some medication for a short period may get you out of this difficult situation. These are just suggestions but I think worth a try. I have seen my therapist on and off for over 20 years and she has helped me through the worst times of my life including divorce, family death, major surgery.
I feel I would be lost without her. She is with a family service agency. If you can find such
a place where you live they are very reputable and usually have a sliding scale for payments. Please don't suffer alone. As I have told others before the hardest part to doing this is the resistance you put up to taking that first step. Once you do this the rest will fall into place. Please let us know how you are doing. And by the way, you have many friends here on HW so don't hesitate to post anytime. Someone will always answer you. Take care.
 
Gentle hugs,
 
Aurora

vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/6/2010 11:28 PM (GMT -7)   
There's no way I can see a therapist while living at home and I cannot afford to live on my own being in debt and broke. My family will find out and that would be really embarrassing. I can't just be absent for hours at a time because they'll wonder where I am and ask all these questions. I'm stuck.

fatherjohn
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 9/7/2010 1:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Vdogg, Greetings. I am destined to be awake tonight and I checked out the forum and was drawn to check out the depression track. I know we talked some time back on the chat and I see that you must also being haunted by the late night lack of sleep. As you have probably been told before one of the symptoms or coping skills that we use in dealing with depression is to withdraw. In your post you state that you are afraid that your family will find out of you go to a therapist. Money is also an issue which we use to justify our reason for not seeking help. Also, from personal experience, we don't have alot of trust and our expectation that someone could help us is rather low.
 
One mechanisim that we have seemed to master with depression is we find all kind of reasonings why we should not get the help we need. Weve lived with the reasonings for so long they become part of us. I found out that I had to be willing to step out of my comfort (if depression can ever be comfortable) and be willing to take the risk of. I told you before that I ended up in lock-up wards for suicide attemps and that was because I refused to take the risk of getting help. I decided that what my family thought of me was not as important as I thought it was. My route took a direction that included exploring options with faith and belief instead of just therapy. I had to go through the therapy part to get out of the hospital but then I explored the other option. That was my journey but we all need to make those decisions for ourselves. I share this because my family ended up having a greater reaction to my faith walk than therapy. In 28 years of pastoring churches, not one of my family members has ever attended a service where I was the pastor. I don't talk to the often but when I do they like to make fun of my faith. I have grown from the depths of depression that kept me isolated to where no I talk to groups at times and tell them today I am secure in who I am and what people say about me has much less affect. It wa snot until I made the choice to risk that I began my long direction upwards. I am still on meds (also pain meds for chronic pain) and it is so much better than it was.
 
I say all this to try and encourage you to make the step to allow someone into your life who can help you start a journey upwards and outwards. It is not easy and the often painful steps that will eventually assist with coping skills. I hope you don't take this as a rebuke or putting you down. I just know that without the risks I took, I hate to think of where I might be. Blessing my friend.  

vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/7/2010 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't want to see a therapist mainly because they will just prescribe pills and I do not want to be put on those. I don't care if they help other people. I refuse to be drugged up. I don't even take tylenol or anything like that for physical pain so I'm not about to take sometime to temporarily cure emotional pain and still have to deal with side effects. I was hoping God would help me but he won't.. everything just keeps getting worse the more I pray. I'm a lost cause

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 9/7/2010 6:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Vdogg, Fatherjohn has given you some very good advice. I understand that you do not
wish to take meds and that is OK. But you do need someone to talk to. I know you think this will not work. If I had felt that way when my husband walked out on me and left me alone with 2 babies and no money I wouldn't be here today. The first person I went to after this happened was my pastor. He did not do a lot of preaching or tell me what to do. He listened. And that got me further and further and made me make up my mind if I was going to cave in or pull myself up and go on with my life. I know you think I didn't have a choice as I had 2 kids but everyone has choices. I decided I would make a new life for myself and my sons. I then was recommended to my family service therapy agency in my town. I was lucky and connected with my therapist from the start. She has literally saved me from the depths of unbelievable despair. Not even my mother who had the money to help me would. All she would say to me was"well what do you expect me to do?" Talk about family support. You are looking for answers but you are the only one who can help yourself and you don't seem willing to even try. You are putting up such resistance to helping yourself that you are not going to find a solution. I have said this to many others, the hardest part of doing something is the resistance you put up to taking the path to help. If you would take that first step the rest will follow. Do you attend a church? If you do most churches have pastoral counseling and that could be a start. I wish I could help you but you cannot see what you are doing that is keeping you from getting yourself better. If you won't take advice when you ask then how can we help you? Many
people on this forum have pulled themselves out of their despair by seeking the help that they need. You won't get help because of your family. Why even involve them.
You are an adult, why do you have to explain to them if you go out for a few hours.
I wish I could offer you somehthing you would accept but this is the best I can do.  By the way, my therapist cannot prescribe meds. Only a psychiatrist or MD can give you meds.
 
Aurora

vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/7/2010 10:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry but I'm not like most people who go to the doctor (or in this case, therapist) for every little thing. It seems most people here only suggest trying therapy. That's pretty much the only advice I've heard so far besides to make new friends. Well I don't want to make new friends, I want my old ones back, and I don't want to spill my guts to some random stranger who's only listening because she gets paid. If I had just one good friend who will listen, that's all I need. No one talks to me anymore even when I write them, and it makes me feel so worthless. I'm ignored all the time like I'm just a big joke and not worthy of anyone's time. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of wanting to be happy because let's face it, true happiness doesn't even exist.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/8/2010 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Going to a therapist is one of the first things that we offer. And to see a doctor. We are not professionals. We are just here for support. That is the best that we can do. You may not get your old friends back right away. But you may in the future. Peoples lives go on different routes. And sometimes you meet up with them again. But know in your heart of hearts that they are still your friends even if you don't hear from them. Life is full of so many changes, we learn to roll with the punches and let things roll off of our backs. Don't take it so seriously. Just live.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 9/8/2010 7:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Vdogg,
I understand you don't want therapy and that is your choice. Do you go to church?
Sometimes our faith gets us through these very difficult times. I'm not suggesting anything but sometimes being at church can give you a sense of peace and that you are cared about. I don't know the situation with your old friends or why they are not in your
life right now. Are you saying that you are depressed?  One thing to consider if you are talking or writing a friend is the approach you take. If you are presenting a negative
attitude towards friends or if you are angry or acting uniterested in your friends and their lives this could cause them to pull away from you. Also, what is wrong with making new
friends? I have made several new friends this summer and they are truly great people and I am so glad to have them in my life. I know it takes effort and it takes time to get
to know someone but you may meet a friend you really connect with. Just trying to
find a way to help you. I have found that by reaching out and taking a positive outlook
on life has made my life so much easier. I hope you can write back sometime and tell us you are taking some new chances in life.
 
Aurora

vdogg
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 9/9/2010 10:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I am no longer involved in a church and I don't plan on going anytime soon. I've gone for most of my life and it didn't get me anywhere. Besides I don't have to attend a church to practice my faith and if I go only to meet people/friends like some have suggested in the past, then i'd be going for the wrong reasons. I do have to admit that being involved in a church during my teen years did help me with my depression but I think it was just because it gave me something to do. As an adult, I no longer find religion relevant to my life. I still pray but even that is only half heartedly because deep down, I know bad things are going to happen whether I pray or not. I'm really confused. People always say God is my friend. Yeah that's nice and all but you can't go to the movies or go out to eat with someone that's invisible. Anyway I hope I haven't offended anyone. Usually the only time I post is when I'm at my worst and right now is one of those times. I don't even know why I wake up in the morning. If I didn't have a job, I probably wouldn't.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 9/10/2010 7:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Vdogg,

I hope that you feel better soon. Depression is hard on us. It takes away our good feelings. But do not dispair. It will be better in time. I know you probably have heard that a lot. But it does. Maybe not in the timeframe that you expect, but it happens.

Keep posting, no matter how bad you feel. We totally understand.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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