LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC AND DRUG ADDICT HUSBAND...

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anneis_hael
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/28/2010 5:17 AM (GMT -6)   
good day...
i'm a 34yr old wife with 3 wonderful sons. been married for 14yrs. my husband is an alcoholic and a drug addict.. he is getting worst now..im afraid for my kids , what pschological effect they will get from my husband.. when hes drunk and under drug influenced, he is very violent, he always broke things in our house, shout in the peak of his voice that our neighbors are all bothered..beats me infront of my kids.. i always packed our things, go to my moms house with my kids, and it will always ends up in reconcilliation, he always ask forgiveness after what damaged he has done promising not to do it again..but story always repeats for almost 14yrs..i always plan to get seperated with him, since i love him sooo much, we always end up to reconcilliation..im afraid to live alone without him,thats my fear.. coz i always believed in the sacredness of marriage. i dont want to have a broken family, i dont want to give it to my kids.. i always wanted my family to be intact inspite of my sacrifices..coz i know how hard it is having a broken family coz i came from a broken family..
i have sacrificed a lot in our marriage life. my husband almost got all the vices.. gambling, alcohol, drugs, and womanizing ( just for one night stand only)..we almost lost every penny we have because of his gambling.. he owed a lot of people because of his gambling..
ive tried almost every remedy i knew just to save him from all his vices, but he keep on coming back.. im losing my patience now..im starting to pity for myself, after 14yrs of marriage.. im planning to go away from him now, im really bothered.. if im doing the right thing.. what about my kids? im afraid to stand on my own..im very depressed now.. where ever i go, i always cry, i even dont notice my tears are flowing from my eyes ..i really need help...please anyone from this site.. im just new here.. i wish i could get help from here.. GODBLESS... confused

myjoy
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 8/28/2010 6:19 AM (GMT -6)   
You need to get you and your children away from this man as soon as possible. A broken home is better than watching what your kids are having to see. They will blame you when they are older for not getting them, and yourself, out of this situation. I know this is hard, but you must be strong and leave. Your husband left you long ago, and has not been holding up his end of the marriage at all. God understand these things. Please get some help and stay away from this very sick person.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.
meds - fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.
A friend loves at all times. Proverbs 17:17

Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
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   Posted 8/28/2010 8:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Ann,
You really seem like such a strong & caring person. I really admire how much you care for your children & want the best for them. I am wondering what you know about how growing up in an abusive environment (where dad beats/belittles mom) can affect children. If you're interested, I can post some resources about that.

If you are looking to get out of that environment, know that there are really wonderful organizations out there that will help you provide a safe home & food for yourself and your children while you work on finding permanent work & a new home. These are special places that more closely resemble a bed-and-breakfast with social workers, than they resemble what we normally think of shelter conditions looking like. Some locations even will place women and children with a carefully screened volunteer in a real home.

Please make sure you are on a safe computer/phone before contacting them, but you can visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, or call them at 800-799-SAFE. I have volunteered with that program locally & the women and children seemed genuinely happy to be in the program. Some of them even have special segregated programs for husbands who want to learn new behavior and on rare occasions the husband/dad does change his behavior after going through the program -- but it's a long ride & even if the separation isn't permanent it usually lasts for at least a year.

I can't say what it would have actually been like if my mom had stayed away from my dad b/c she didn't, but I do know that I wished she had divorced him. We were miserable & as my brother got older he picked up those behaviors and landed in a world of trouble at school plus minor problems with the law. He even started beating my mom toward the end of his high school years. He had a really hard time understanding that he couldn't just treat people however he wanted, in spite of the fact that my mom tried to teach him that all the time.

take care & be safe,
frances

MMMNAVY
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   Posted 8/28/2010 9:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Honey, God did not put you here on earth to be beaten.  If you had a daughter and she was an adult and going thru this what would you tell her?
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Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 8/28/2010 11:16:23 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35084
   Posted 8/28/2010 11:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey sweetie,

Get out now!!! while you are still okay. He could easiely go goo far and really hurt you badly. LIsten to what the others have said. Especially Frances, there are programs for people in your situation. Listen to her.

Wishing you the best.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

anneis_hael
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/29/2010 12:42 AM (GMT -6)   
a millions thanks for all your advices.. i really do appreciate it..
i dont know where to start, im really stuck with my life, my life only revolves with my family, dont know where to go.. i dont wanna ask help anymore fom my husband's family , coz i been asking help from them , but all they can do is for temporary solution only. coz i know they dont want me to leave my husband coz they know if me and my kids are going to leave, my husband's going to be worst than ever..my husband has a very influencial sister and brother in law in our place, they are ashame if my husband's going to jail coz definitely he will be dragging his brother in laws name..and it will be a big shame on them..
im just like in the middle of nowhere now.. i dont know where to start,... cry

myjoy
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Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 8/29/2010 6:10 AM (GMT -6)   
It's too bad that your husband's family is more afraid of how it will look if you take the kids and leave. I would think they would be much more concerned with all of your well-being. But, in a way, this doesn't surprise me as my mother is just like this.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy.
meds - fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.
A friend loves at all times. Proverbs 17:17

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35084
   Posted 8/29/2010 6:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Are you going to any counseling?  I would highly suggest that.  A counselor can help you to move forward one step at a time.  They will teach you to be stronger so that you will know what to do and be able to handle it.  So please go to counseling and get your life in order.  If not for you, do it for the children.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2197
   Posted 8/29/2010 12:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Anne,
I know it's tough to ask for help, but you are not a failure for doing so. We all need help sometimes. Get to a safe phone (can you get out even to go to the store & use a phone there?) and call the hotline (800-799-SAFE).

They will find you a place to live & will give you all the instructions about how to get out of the house safely. They provide absolutely everything you need. You do not need any money. The program is supported by donors who love to help women and children start a new life. And often graduates of the program, once they are in a stable place, will give back a small donation to the organization.

If you need education or training to get a job, they will help you get that. They will provide free child care. They really will take care of you. It is safe & hidden away so that your husband will not be able to come after you. All the paid staff & volunteers are VERY carefully screened. They go through thorough background checks, psychological interviews, and weeks of intensive training before they can even answer a phone call.

Please think about at least giving them a call at 800-799-SAFE. You can call them just to talk, you don't even have to decide to go through with leaving your husband. They can explain how things work & then you can decide whether you want to do that or not. Usually if you are in a very small town, they will move you far enough away from there that you can't be found -- whether that's to another small town some distance away or whether it's to a larger suburb or city. They won't just put you somewhere in your own tiny town b/c that wouldn't be safe. You're absolutely right that your husband will probably be enraged that you are finally taking steps to ensure your safety & your children's safety and well-being. That's why it's so important to work with a program with trained professionals. They can advise you about how to handle the legal aspect of it. Sadly, it is all too common for abusers to have family in the law enforcement field. The people at the program are trained to know how to handle that so that you and your children can finally start to build a happy, healthy life for yourselves.

take care & be safe,
frances

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35084
   Posted 8/29/2010 2:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Frances,

You just gave Anne some very good and important information. Thank you so much.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 8/29/2010 8:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Anne,
You have been given very good advice. Frances truly knows what she is talking about and I hope you will follow what she has told you. This man is not going to change. Even
if you got him in a treatment program who is to say he won't relapse. As I understand
this type of situation it can take as many as 5 or 6 rehabs before a person gets clean.
It sounds like your husband has a very severe problem with the combination of alcohol
and drugs. You can anonomously leave with your children and it can be arranged that he
not be able to find you. It is most important for you to care for your children and yourself than to worry about what his "influential" family thinks. At the rate he is going he is likely to get himself thrown in jail on his own.  I have a friend who volunteers at a
womens shelter program and they provide clean,comfortable living arrangements, get
you training for a job if need be and get you on your feet again. The one thing I do know
is that your situation is never going to get better if you don't leave this man. Who is more important to you, him or your children? Please heed the advice Frances gave you and take care of yourself and children. I wish you the best. The hardest part of doing this
is the resistance you put up to taking that first step. Once that is done the rest will fall into place. Your children are innocent and deserve a life free of such troubles. Please post again and tell us what you have decided. You will have a lot of friends here to support you.
 
Gentle hugs,
 
Aurora

anneis_hael
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/29/2010 11:47 PM (GMT -6)   
hi miss frances... big thanks again for your advices.. i wonder if i could contact the hotline number that you've given, i live here in the philippines.. do they cater cases like mine? i mean from other country? i have tried before , been to a social welfare , a police man endorsed me there.. i was sooo discouraged about their treatment, it is soo frustrating that they havent offered me any help,I've waited for almost 6hours in their office, instead they adviced me to go home ..maybe they have no funds to cater for my case. that is the most frustrating here in the philippines, not like in the other countries..
GODBLESS...

anneis_hael
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/30/2010 12:28 AM (GMT -6)   
i havent mentioned that my husband got a gun, evrytime hes drunk i keep it coz whenever i forgot to keep it, he frightens me his gun, or frightens me that he will kill himself, points the gun to himself, that my kids and i doest know what to do, but to shout and cry ..we are sooo helpless..last week i found him taking drugs with his friends,i decided to call a police so that he will be put in jail, but decided again not to call coz i dont want to put shame on his sister and brother in law..his parents are trying to help him also but they stoped helping him now coz they've seen that theres no improvement in him..they are planning to put him on a rehab but they are afraid coz they know my husband doesnt wants to...we could be living a better life if my husbands wants to, but since he chooses to live misserable life coz of his vices. her sister's been helping us financially before since shes the one who has a better living, but now she stopped helping us also because of my husband's vices..im really glad that ive found this site..coz i was able to express my sentiments.. theres no one that i can share my feelings.. i have still a mother, but since i dont want to be burden to her, since shes living alone , she cant do anything for me then.. i have 2 brothers also, but they have their own families also, and can provide only just enough for their families..
im glad that there are people like you who can spends their time advicing to people like me eventhough im a stranger to you..
GODBLESS YOU ALL..

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35084
   Posted 8/30/2010 8:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Can you and the kids move in with your mother so you wont be subjected to the abuse anymore? Just a thought...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

mogli
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Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 8/30/2010 10:46 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi,

Sweet angel, I hate to say this, but you are in a broken home; your family is broken the way that it is right now.

You really do need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible with safe and careful planning.

Once you and those innocent children are out of this situation, you will have a whole family that is safe and loved and cherished. So much promise when you are away from this situation. Abuse is so tragic and dangerous, but when mixed with alcohol and drugs, I believe it makes it even worse. And that gun, honey, you are in such a dangerous spot. Get out, get out, get out.

I agree with Karen; can you live with your mother?


Tirzah
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2197
   Posted 8/30/2010 2:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Anne,
I didn't realize you were in the Philippines. Your English is really good! I have some friends who are missionaries there. Let me see what I can find out about women's services in the Philippines.

In the meantime, try to do your best to avoid causing any conflict with your husband (I know sometimes that is not possible, but do your best). I'll get back to you with what I find out. There are definitely groups that will help provide a place to stay for you and your children, but I would want to make sure they could handle the legal and safety aspects of it as well because those are just as important, if not more so, as having shelter and food.

Hang in there. I promise to write back with what I find out.

peace,
frances

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2197
   Posted 8/30/2010 6:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Anne,
I am still looking into more resources, but there are a few organizations with US partners so I thought I would post them & see if you've had any contact with them already:

I'm assuming you haven't filed for a BPO or PPO. If you have, there are additional options. If you haven't, I suggest you hold off on that until you can talk to an expert who might even recommend against it.

Because of your husband's position in law enforcement, I am only listing private agencies here. I am not sure whether you practice any religion. Unfortunately, there are fewer resources for Muslim women but if that is your faith hopefully my friends will be able to still get back to me with some additional resources. It does make it a bit tougher to take your children with you if you are Muslim so please get counseling from someone in the legal field first (ideally someone who is not Muslim but who is very familiar with Islamic law).

Women’s Crisis Center Care and Protection Unit of East Avenue Medical Center

This is a non-profit private institution with a firm commitment to end violence against women.It offers a comprehensive range of crisis intervention services for survivors of gender-based violence.

They offer physical facilities like research center/library, temporary shelter for VAW victims, and training centers/ camp facilities. They conduct information campaigns and give training and seminars.

Tel. Nos. 9267744, 9225235

Note: I am not sure whether you can bring your children, though, so you will need to ask them. If not, the Philippine General Hospital does offer services to protect children.

Women’s Desk of Philippine General Hospital

The UP-PGH Women’s Desk is a crisis center for women survivors of violence located at PGH’s emergency room complex, beside the Child Protection Unit. They offer support services such as counseling and referrals to other departments and agencies. They give paralegal counseling for the survivors as well as for the doctors who will serve as expert witnesses. They also provide medical and psychosocial intervention.

Tel. No. 5242990

GABRIELA

Gabriela Women’s Party is a sectoral party dedicated to promoting the rights and welfare of marginalized and under-represented Filipino women . They fight for legislative measures that would strengthen actions with respect to sexual violence. They fight human rights violations against women in all its forms and conducting information and education campaigns to protect women. They also facilitate legal assistance, crisis intervention and just compensation to women who are victims of violence, etc.

Tel. No. 3743451, 3712302

World Vision Development Foundation, Inc.

World Vision is a Christian relief, development and advocacy organization that offers counseling for abused women and children.

Tel. Nos. 374-7618 to 28

Note: World Vision will help you regardless of your religion. They also often are able to provide additional food and assistance to children and their caretaker. If you speak with them, you might ask if they are able to provide any financial assistance or other aid to you and your children to help you start a new life.

Catholic Women’s League Philippines, Inc.

It is a charitable, religious, socio-economic, civic, non-partisan, non-profit organization that offers counseling for abused women and children.

Tel. Nos. 523-2956, 523-3144
Note: Catholic Women's League will likely only be able to offer counseling. Their counseling likely will include some references to Christian beliefs.


If you have any evidence of the violence, keep records of that in a safe place (with a friend, in a place where your husband will never look like a plastic bag hidden toward the bottom of a rice jar, or some other place where it cannot accidentally fall out or be discovered). If you have ever been treated for injuries, try to remember the dates and where you were treated.

more in my next post...

Post Edited (Frances_2008) : 8/30/2010 5:41:34 PM (GMT-6)


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2197
   Posted 8/30/2010 6:08 PM (GMT -6)   
www.unifem-eseasia.org/projects/evaw/vawngo/vamphil.htm

This website, created by the United Nations, lists places that can offer assistance. I think this group is probably your best bet for a place you can call that will offer you both resources to get to a safe place & legal help:

Lihok Pilipina Foundation
102 P. Del Rosario Extension
Cebu City

Tel ( 032 ) - 256 - 1341 / 254 - 8092
Fax ( 032 ) - 254 - 8072
E - mail : lihok@mozcom.com
Contact Person: Tessie B. Fernandez
www.lihokpilipina.com/programs.php

The UN link is from 2003 & says they are only in Cebu City. LPF has since expanded to 6 additional areas: barangays Ermita, Kamagayan, Pahina Central, Pahina San Nicolas, Pasil, and San Nicolas Prope. Even if you don't live in one of those places, I still suggest you give them a call. They should be able to help direct you to resources in your area.

Keep us posted. I'll provide more resources as I find them/hear about them.

peace,
frances

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35084
   Posted 8/30/2010 6:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Frances,

Thank you for posting this information. You truly are a wonderful soul.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2197
   Posted 8/30/2010 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Anne,
I know I and some others have been focusing on trying to help you get to a safe place.

I just wanted to let you know that our members are really good about being emotionally encouraging as well. I know you wrote that you need some place to be able to share what you are going through. You can always post whatever you need to get out & we will try to support you.

I know it is so tough to feel like there is no where you can turn for help. I think Aurora is probably in a better place than I am to understand what it is like to be a mother who wants to help her adult children, even if she herself has little money. I do understand that views in the Philippines about abusive spouses are not what they are here in the US. Too often wives are expected to stay and try to work things out. But that is not realistic. Sometimes you can do everything right and be a very good wife, but your husband is still violent. Certainly the drugs and alcohol make things worse, but it sounds like maybe he had issues even before being an addict.

Even here in the US, where there are so many resources, often abused wives feel isolated and lonely. They feel scared and hopeless. If you are feeling those things, you are not alone.

take care,
frances

anneis_hael
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/30/2010 8:09 PM (GMT -6)   
frances,
      thank you very much for your time and effort. i can see that you're really a great person, you really have a big heart..
that there are still someone like you this world who can extend help to strangers like me..
     anyway im not a muslim, im a christian by faith, a solid roman catholic..but we live here in mindanao..i would try to call some of the institutions that you have given, even just for counselling, and then later , maybe they could help me in some other way..
   i tried living with my mom before, when we escaped from my husband, but it just ended in his violent ways, since he knew where my moms house, he would fetch me and my kids and he was drunk, shouted outside my moms house, and threatens us that if we would not come home with him he would be using his gun.. to avoid embarassment to our neighbors, we did came home with him, after that incident, i tried not to go home to my mom anymore coz she is sick also,told me that she would die in fear if it would happen again..
        as ive told you, my husband has a sister who have married a very influential person here in our place, thats why im bearing all of this to the point of sufferring just to avoid shame to his family..coz it happened six years ago, he was prisoned for overnight only because of his firearm.. he was able to go out of jail the day after because of the influence of his brother in law..and he was warned then not to put shame again..
    thanks for welcoming me here again.. for letting me share my experinces.. coz what i feel like im going to explode, since theres no one i can talk to..GODLESS YOU ALL..

anneis_hael
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/30/2010 10:00 PM (GMT -6)   
i feel really great having someone like you guys , willing to listen ...coz i really need someone who will listen and comfort me..
i feel bad about myself, been asking GOD what have i done to desserve this kind of treatment from my husband.. i been a good mother to my kids, a good wife to my husband , a good daughter..i think im a very good person , a good friend...i been longing and dreaming for a good family, an ideal family...coz since childhood i havent experienced having a normal family... my late dad used to be an alcoholic also, from my preschool to college, hes drunk the whole day, giving us shame to our neighbors and friends.. he used to yell everyday, that 2blocks away from our house could hear it,he s very known to our town as drunkard..im a consistent honor student from preschool, how i wish my dad could be the one who came up on stage and gave my medal, but not once he havent done it..my classmates used to bully me at school because of my fathers abnormal drinking and behaviour..
been asking GOD why in my whole life, ive been living with an alcoholic person, from my father to my husband..and im praying and hoping that GOD won't allow my three sons to be following their grandfather and father's footstep..
maybe this is the reason why im very weak.. i mean im not strong in facing my problems and troubles..maybe this is the psychological effects and traumas ive got from my past experiences..i've got no guts to stand on my own, to stand alone.......

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35084
   Posted 8/31/2010 7:07 AM (GMT -6)   
KNow that we are all here for you and support you. You are a good mother and that is most important.

Keep posting. Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Chotti
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2013
Total Posts : 396
   Posted 4/25/2014 2:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Marriage is no longer sacred when your abused & terrorized. Think of UR children... They will all grow up with the modeling they see from u both. Ask urself is that healthy? Is this the way u want UR children to live. Yes they will. They know no difference.only u can give them a better chance for security, education and self esteem.

Move in with UR mom and do the right thing move on heal UR life. Only u can save UR children from this monster & he is... UR in so deep u can't see the forest for the trees.
Listen to all of us. We are here to support you...

Health & Healing you take the power back to control UR life & protect UR children.....my heart breaks as I try with all my might to write thru my tears . I wonder years from now does this have a better ending than where they are now? Heck yes.... Following UR heart the mother of three beautiful children who will only have a better chance if u leave a broken home than to stay in one! The walls are falling around u time for a safer home without the daily emotional draining of UR spirit with all the horrible effects on UR beautiful children how can any woman let any man do this to her own children. He's not a father he's never going to change.
Isn't 14 years enough? Call the police is the right thing to do next time he's drunk comes to collect u. Add a restraining order if he comes near then call the police that's what the law is for. To protect u from violent drunken rages. This man must have consequences u must show u have the strength to fight for UR kids. Lov & hugs
I only tell you the truth!
"As long as there is breath there is hope, LIFE is a GIFT. "

Post Edited (Chotti) : 4/25/2014 2:04:44 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35084
   Posted 4/25/2014 7:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Chotti,

Just wanted to let you know you are posting on some very old threads. You may not get responses...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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