Inside, depression???

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

foreveru1993
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/28/2010 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there some stuff about me is, I'm 17 and a senior in highschool. I go to the career center for half my school day in theater so I can do acting. Mainly because I want to be an actress when I'm older. I love music, video games, and being on the computer.

Ever since I can remember, or at the very least since middle school, I've been shy. I'm slightly less shy with friends but still I'm pretty much all in all shy. I think thats part of the reason I like acting and wanting to be an actress, so I can play someone completely opposite of myself. That's the big reason I tried out for Theater at the career center. I am looking to go to college.

I'm not sure if I'm depressed but I do know that I don't like myself. I have pretty much no self-confidence/self-esteem. I mean don't get me wrong I do have small moments, like when I do a monologue in class and it goes well, but I feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Like one minute I could be happy and laughing with a friend and they could say something really small and meaningless but it hits me so hard and the next minute I'm mad/upset and I just clam up and stop talking. I've sorta/kinda talked to a few friends a little about how I'm feeling but I don't think they fully understand what I'm going through. Except maybe my one friend, I actually found out recently she's depressed and goes to see a therapist. After I found that out I kind of told her more about how I feel so she's probably the one who relates most to me.

I don't talk to my family because they just don't really get it. My dad puts me down all the time. Like saying 'eww' when me or my brother walk into a room and he ALWAYS is calling me fat even though I'm like around 5'4 and somewhere around 100 or so pounds. And even knowing I'm not that big it hurts a lot and no matter how many times I express that I hate their way of 'kidding around' they, or well mostly he, doesn't seem to ever get it. My dads an alcoholic currently on probation wearing one of them monitors to make sure he doesn't drink. He's not on house arrest though, thank god. So I really didn't like him much in the first place but all the put downs put it over the top. He's emotionally abusive, and when he was drunk he was both emotional, and a tad bit of physically abusive. Like being forced to watch a movie that we didn't like or already seen and didn't like. That's why I now hate the saying 'give it a chance.'

Being at school I keep everything bottled up and I'm super quiet because of my shyness. I'm afraid of confrontation and I think I'm terrified of speaking my mind and what I think about stuff because I'm always worried about what others think. This and being shy make me hate myself because I hate that I'm so reserved and to myself. Even in my BBTC ,black box theater company, or BB for short, I'm quite. Except for when we're working on monologues or scenes or something. Whenever we take a small brake I hardly ever talk, mainly I do when someone talks to me first. That place is where I feel like I most belong but at the same time I feel like a complete outsider and I don't know what to do with that feeling. Just about everyone in there is nice but I feel like they don't want me to talk to them so like I end up sitting there waiting for people to talk to me first. Which doing that makes me feel super bad about myself like I'm not worth someones time or energy. I think this and being shy is the reason why I've never had a boyfriend. I've thought numerous times about  but I never have because I'm too afraid to. For the most part I'm glad about that but when I'm feeling bad I hate myself for being scared. It's like even on a good day my day is only 'okay' and I just don't know how much more I can take. I promised myself I wouldn't cry during school at BB but I ended up doing just that yesterday.
 
We are not allowed to discuss self harm here on the forum.  Thank you for understanding.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/28/2010 12:00:27 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 8/28/2010 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Foreveru,
 
Thanks for joining the forum.  I think that this is going to be a good place for you to participate. 
 
First of all, it sounds like counseling would really help you.  You need a sense of direction in your life with your feelings.  You are persueing theater, which is wonderful and I agree with you about acting.  You can be somebody else.  That is what is nice about the forum too, because nobody knows you.  You can be any way that you want to be. 
 
Secondly, it sounds like you might have a mood disorder.  Like maybe mood stabilizers could help.  Along with an antidepressant.  But that is up to a doctor or a psychiatrist to decide.  Going to counseling might be enough.  I hope so. 
 
Self esteem is low.  You are right about that.  I am sure that you are a very wonderful person and working on your self esteem would make life a lot better for you. 
 
Remember you can't wait on others to start a conversation.  Start it yourself with just a hello.  That works.  You can always go from there, or just leave it at that.  That other person might be doing the same thing that you are and waiting on somebody else to start the convo.  So give it a try.  Just saying have a nice day helps a lot.  Smile.  It makes people wonder what you are up to.  lol...  Seriously, you can glow if you smile.  People are attracted to others who smile.  And who say hello.  It is easy to be happy.  You just have to want it.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

foreveru1993
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/28/2010 4:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, actually I did kind of tell my mom that I need to talk to someone or get some kind of medication if needed and she said she would set up an appointment, hopefully soon, and see what the doctor recommends. I do agree with the mood disorder thing. I found out recently-ish that my mom is the same way sometimes about somebody saying something not real bad and she gets real mad or whatever.

I know, I don't think it's anyway to live always waiting for somebody else to speak to you which is why I kind of hate myself for being that way. The thing is, since I'm shy I really don't know how to be social. Like I don't know how to make small talk or anything I just feel so uncomfortable that I just stay quiet. I'm really not sure how to change that.

Well I know my mom kind of procrastinates so I'm gonna hint about it every couple days or so until she makes an appointment.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 8/28/2010 7:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I think yours will start out by you starting to feel good about yourself. When that happens, it shows on our faces, then when that happens, people automatically want to talk to us. So smile from within. Let your body posture even show it. You have this within you just waiting to be released. It is there. One day at a time. Get this book called "the new mood therapy" or Feeling Good. By David Burns. It is a good book on cognative therapy. Read it while going to therapy at the same time. You can do this. Just read a little here and there. It will help you.

Keep posting. I hope that you get to see a therapist.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

foreveru1993
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/29/2010 8:18 AM (GMT -7)   
I'll definitely check out the book. I''ll have to check it out the library since we don't have a lot of money right now. Do you have any tips on just getting by day to day? I don't know how much longer I can go with pretending to be happy especially in BB since thats more of a place for participating rather than sitting down and doing work. Music helps but when I'm really upset all it does is make me cry. Even just finding something to temporarily help for like when I goto school would help until I'm able to actually get some help.
I hope theres a way to see a therapist but I don't think we have that kind of money.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 8/29/2010 9:13 AM (GMT -7)   
You can find used books cheap. I only paid about six bucks for mine. In there, there is a part on meditation, mind and body connection. When you learn that, you can learn ways to stop anxiety attacks and ways to control your moods. Having that mind and body connection is a good way to stay in the moment and really experience life. You may be able to look up meditation on the internet and find ways to practice it. there is a lot of information out there, you just have to start looking. You will find what you are looking for.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 10, 2016 5:55 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,804 posts in 301,336 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151439 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, owillie.
230 Guest(s), 6 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Rebel_runner, Loutucky, mrs. george, Steve n Dallas, teddydog, iPoop


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer